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Itís time. I canít keep going like this.

Old 07-20-2018, 08:51 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thank you guys. Yes we can do this. I even think that if I work on my spirit enough in the coming days as well as the abstinence, I can go to the pub trivia and not need to drink. Iím lucky in that my friend who I go with is a non drinker, but on the other side of me sits my boyfriend. I think he wouldnít know what hit him. I know he would be really impressed. He isnít involved enough with me to want a drinking buddy. And I canít let him buy wine for me anymore either. He does it because itís the only way he can show love. That has to change. As much as this will be hard for me, it will be so much harder for him. He says he wants to stop going to the bar but so far Iíve only seen him get worse. He has gained probably 50 lbs all in his belly. I truly worry about his health. But, we are two sick people and I think distancing myself even further from him can only be a good thing. If your relationship is nothing but drinking together and the very occasional spending the night at his house, thatís not healthy.

You are right about the lies! I really donít want to step foot inside a gas station and pollute my body and mind with those awful drinks. Theyíve done so much damage to me and my life.
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Old 07-20-2018, 09:01 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I definitely would not test myself with pub trivia. I think it's way too soon. Even though you may make it through the evening, events like that are just too risky as triggers. Give yourself some space and time.
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Old 07-20-2018, 09:20 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by PalmerSage View Post
I definitely would not test myself with pub trivia. I think it's way too soon. Even though you may make it through the evening, events like that are just too risky as triggers. Give yourself some space and time.
You may be right. There are times I quit last year before I met my bf, and I was able to drink Arnold Palmers and did fine. But my bf is kind of a trigger for me, moreso than the bar itself. I donít know how to be myself around him anymore. He really put me through some crap while I came to terms with his distance and that the bar would always come before me. It took away so much of my confidence and self esteem. Itís a long story but yes I do blame him not for my alcoholism but for drinking way more as I felt increasingly unloveable due to his ways. Us alcoholics have a way of finding each other and causing each other a lot of suffering. Iíd love for him to see me healthy and sober and then maybe he can contemplate what he lost, because Iíll never be with him. So thatís my main worry is feeling uncomfortable around him sober.
Maybe skipping it is best for now.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:11 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Truthseeker11 View Post
Thanks for sharing what worked for you too. I donít know about AA. I went to a few meetings. Iím not sure I felt too comfortable there. I could try a different meeting..
it would be wise to get a copy of the big book( or read it online- search,"big book online") and read it to get an understanding of what the program is about and what it has to offer.
meetings were very important for me early on. i went to a lot.
but they werent what helped me recover from alcoholism.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:26 AM
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You really can do it Truthseeker
I was a freaking mess and terrified to quit. You just have to take the step.

It is scary but most of the fears you have are just the addiction lying to you. It takes a lot of adjustment but life without booze is so much calmer on so many levels. Not only is there a lot less drama but you can handle life so much more effectively when your not riddled with alcohol induced anxiety.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:35 AM
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I was in a relationship very much like yours for 10+yrs and it got worse for us both as time went on. When I got serious about my sobriety I had to end it or keep drinking. I did not like the person she was when she was not drinking and then I did not like the person she was while drinking when I was getting sober/staying sober. Ultimate/long term "beer goggles" if you will. She was/is beautiful women from the outside,but once sober the writing was on the wall on who she is as a person, from my view of the type of people I want in my life.

I'd also skip out on the bar scene for a while if you really want to get/stay sober. 'Tests' don't go well for very long.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:53 AM
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Iím sorry you are struggling!

Donít kid yourself about drinking and driving. You really should not drive if you have ANY alcohol. This is from someone with four DUIs on my record.

I recommend getting help, try one on one counseling, group addiction therapy, AA, Smart Recovery, anything you havenít tried or been successful at thus far.

The reality is, if you keep drinking something bad is going to happen. Itís a progressive disease, and it only gets worse.
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Old 07-20-2018, 11:22 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Welcome TS11.

You've received a lot of good advice. Keep posting. Read around. I might have missed it in your post but are you sober now?

How do you find happiness? You asked this question. My experience is happiness is a feeling. Like sadness, or loneliness or fear. It isn't a 'state' of being. It comes and goes....like all other feelings. Seeking it, at least for me, is folly. And it definitely isn't in a bottle....not that I didn't try endlessly to find it there.

Contentment. That, for me, is a state that I can achieve. If I have a baseline of contentment whatever happens from there, good or bad, is temporary. I just hope to return to contentment. And no, I'm not always content. Haha. But I try to work toward that, tweak my life as I need to.

Alcohol is chaos and havoc for me. Period.
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Old 07-20-2018, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by bananagrrrl View Post
Iím sorry you are struggling!

Donít kid yourself about drinking and driving. You really should not drive if you have ANY alcohol. This is from someone with four DUIs on my record.

I recommend getting help, try one on one counseling, group addiction therapy, AA, Smart Recovery, anything you havenít tried or been successful at thus far.

The reality is, if you keep drinking something bad is going to happen. Itís a progressive disease, and it only gets worse.
I agree with Banana. Seems like you drive while intoxicated quite often and even show up to court under the influence. Please be careful as you don't want to kill yourself or someone else.
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Old 07-20-2018, 05:18 PM
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Stay true to your namesake. It'll serve you well.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Truthseeker11 View Post
And I know not to expect too much when I do quit, other than the obvious stuff like feeling much better physically.
.
Hi Truthseeker,

I just wanted to challenge this belief a little. I am coming from the place of a particular type of alcholic who followed a specific course of action and recovered, as opposed to the same type of alcoholic (my mother) who refused to follow the same course, and got what she got.

I didn't believe AA would work for me when I started. I only did it because there were no untried alternatives, and I could not go on as I was. I suppose I wasn't expecting much either.

They used to have a saying about writing out what you thought your life would be like after a period of AA sobriety, and read it again at the end of the period. They guaranteed I would sell my self short. And I did, by a country mile.

I had no idea what sobriety could be like so I couched my goals within in terms of reference of the alcoholic mind.

Here is an example, on the employment front. I wanted to be a cab driver. I liked driving and I liked books and it seemed to me cab drivers got to do a lot of both. The police would not allow me a license, God's way of saying he had other plans for me.

Where did I end up? Career wise I became a divisional manager in a national company, then I set up my own business, which I have had for the past 23 years and now enables me to sail the world, a life long dream.

When we get sober, we don't know what God has in store for us. But in my experience we can be reasonably sure it will be a lot better than anything we could imagine at the start of the 12 step journey.
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