Can’t forgive myself
 

Last August I drinked to the point of blackout again. I was going through some serious issues at the time (I still am) and I used drink as a way to get away from them.

Basically I was out on a work do and apparently I tried it on with some woman. I found out later on that apparently she rejected my advances so I tried to hit her.

The problem with that narrative of the story is that I didn’t have any marks, no relocation of hitting said woman, just a vague memory of calling her something and that I wouldn’t do such a thing because I had a girlfriend at the time.

I have done bad stuff when drunk but not try and hit a woman.

When I found out that something happened, the next day I went round the bar of said incident and I asked if anything got reported. Nothing.

I went to a Priest, I confessed to God that something could’ve happened. I felt ok for a while but now all the bad feelings have come back.

When I visited the Priest and explained what could’ve happened, he said if I tried to hit a woman then I would’ve got a hiding. I tend to agree.

When I went to work though I found out that apparently I might’ve hit someone or maybe my work colleagues were spreading rumours for the sake of it. Some friends eh?

I don’t know. The thing is I can’t be trusted with alcohol and what if I did try to hit a woman? I don’t deserve to be near one again.

I want to die over this.

This won’t stop haunting me.

Hey there,

What you deserve is a life free from misery. We have all done awful things while under the influence. I used to have a hard time forgiving myself, and that just kept me drinking...which led to more poor choices.....and more drinking.

Stop the madness! Stop drinking, get some support, and work on forgiving yourself. This isn't so horrible that you don't deserve a second chance at a happy, full life. (nothing is..)

You will find acceptance here....:grouphug:

We have all done some terrible things while under the influence.

But, not everyone feels bad about it. Some people will brush it off or tend to make jokes about it.

The thing about our past is that we can't change it but we can prevent making the same bad decisions in the future. All you can do now, is to continue to do the right thing each day forward.

I think the right thing would be to end my life.

If you had done something, you'd know by now.

Please, don’t do anything rash!!! Whatever happened wasn’t you, it was the alcohol!!!! You are worth so much, you are a good person otherwise this wouldn’t bother you. We have all done some pretty awful things while drinking and the depression and anxiety also caused by the alcohol makes everything seem so much worse! Is there someone you can call to come and stay with you a while? Please remember it wasn’t you it was that awful poison! Things can and will get better xx

Please please please don't hurt yourself. I am bereaved by suicide and I can ASSURE you that you would be making the lives of those that you care about a million times worse. It is depression talking, that is telling you that you don't deserve to live. Every one of us on this forum have done stupid things that we regret when drunk. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just flawed like all humans. Besides, people have done a LOT worse things when drinking, than what you describe in your post. Please go easy on yourself and PLEASE don't hurt yourself.

It sounds like possibly you are sober but not working a program of recovery.

The tricky thing about God's grace and mercy isn't earning it I reckon. It's in accepting it. God lives you and wants you to like a new life, free from the bondage of shame and self-loathing. Please accept what he so freely gives.

Might be worth adding something extra into your recovery plan to help you stay connected.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB

Please take care of yourself. This link may be helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

Sounds like your memory may be playing tricks on you.

Are you sober? You sound like you are, you should focus on that. On the other hand, who else can you speak to? You need therapy, as many of us do. Where can you find that?

Go to an emergency room right now and get immediate help

Maybe, I only found out I apparently tried to hit someone through work talk.

I don't think I should be allowed near women again for a while. I want to date and have a family but I think it's for the best that I stay single, I'm a liability and could end up hurting someone.

If I reacted like that to a woman in a public bar, what could I do indoors?

I've carried around a fear that I might be violent when I feel angry. My counsellor asked me, "have you, in the last 4 years sober, ever reacted violently when you've been angry?" The answer is no, I have not.
I don't need to stay away from people, I need to stay SOBER and work on my recovery so that I DO stay sober.

We can't change yesterday. But we can change today.

BB

PS Also, you're relying on gossip for your information right now. Never a good idea. Not about ithers, or about ourselves. Of course, again you can't change yesterday, but you can change today. By staying sober and accountable you will know whether or not you retained your integrity today.

I will probably never know what happened, how can I accept it and move on?

Even when drunk I haven’t been violent. It just seems so out of character for me but all I remember like I said it arguing with her.

I just feel like scum.

YOU may think the right thing to do is to end your life, but what does GOD think the right thing to do would be?


saul of tarsus slayed christians in the name of christianity. became one of Gods greatest disciples.

the problem is within yourself- self forgiveness. if you confessed your sin to God, then He has forgiven you.

i was responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk.
im not that man any more. the man i was back then is dead.
should i not be allowed around people?

I think you deserve to be around people yes.

I’m just highly self critical of myself and I need to move past that.

self forgiveness doesnt come naturally to me either.
something that may help you to stop kickin yourself in the ass:

youre not a bad man,just a sick man.
bad men dont feel regret and remorse for their actions.
sick men do.
there is a solution- change who you are and make amends with the people you have hurt-not say youre sorry but explain what you did, why you did it, what you should have done, and what youve done to change the behavior.

After all. Who are we to refuse God's grace?

How about resolving to do God's will, and move forward with integrity.
The AA 12-step program of recovery really helped me to learn the art of letting go,and spiritual growth. Have you considered using something like that?

BB

AMEN!!!:You_Rock_