tornrealization

It usually takes a combination of tools to finally cross over into sobriety is the path to take mindset. You probably know deep down already. As Dee said you have to take a leap of faith. I figured, we’ll I did the drinking thing for many years, why not try the not drinking thing. I know what happens with drinking for myself.

It also took many years and starts and stops to get there. I am glad you’ve been reading here in the boards all the while. I did too. There was just too many good outcomes I read, to not take that chance that sobriety is better.

boreas

DJ,
I read here for years before even signing up for an account. I continued to drink for a bit after joining, as I was in that ambiguous place you are now.

I came to realize that I could look at the experience of others and see where I had been and where I was going. Drinking is progressive, as my own history showed. It really didn’t matter if I had tipped the scales into full-blown alcoholism yet, as I had all the symptoms of heading down that road. My body started to change in my late 30’s, and I felt bad much more often than I had any comfort from drink. I made a decision to stop the slide, and in sobriety the benefits of clean living made themselves known over time. For me, sobriety has its own momentum.

Four years in and it is still the best decision I’ve made for myself and those I love. I’m not special, so there was never a basis for my belief that I would be spared the terrible consequences others experienced if I continued.

Best wishes,
-bora

dickensen

After drinking too much for a long time, I finally stopped last March. I feel the benefits of sobriety every day. I am free of the chains of alcohol, i sleep better, my actions are more composed, I get more respect from others, I look better, I have more time to do things, etc. My book calls it thriving in sobriety.

DJ1986

Hi everyone,

Thought I would give a quick update for a bit of accountability.

So I stopped drinking 1st Jan, and amazed myself by not having a drink for 4 months. For the most part I felt good, positive, more productive and loved waking up refreshed. I didn’t actually find it too hard.

I had never committed to stopping permanently, so started having the odd drink here and there from May. That has increased gradually, but mainly only at weekends where I do binge drink.

I really don’t know where I’m at with it to be honest. I’ve felt rough and anxious today after 4 evenings of drinking way too much over the bank holiday in the UK, and right now I’m thinking I really don’t want to feel like this ever again.

We’ve got some nice day time plans with family at the weekend and really like the thought of being fresh and hangover free for them.

BUT, I just know that when 5pm on Friday rolls around I’ll really want to start drinking!! Mainly because I do really enjoy being drunk and seem to have much more fun! But I know it’s only for a few short hours and then I pay the price the next day!

Anyway, that’s my current situation.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you!

nez

Hi DJ, thanks for the update.

I don't know about anyone else, but as to me, if I really did enjoy being drunk and had much more fun when drinking, I never would have showed up here and never would have quit; but I sure am glad I did on both counts and have no regrets about either. :~)

fishkiller

My thought is your AV is telling you lies.
Sure it may feel like you are having fun drunk at times and there is no other way you could have that much fun but that is AV bs.

I don't get drunk and act out anymore but I have a lot of fun. More reserved, heart felt fun which to me is priceless compared to acting silly for a few hours and feeling like ass the next few days.
How much fun is that? Zero imo

If drinking is such fun this site would not exist.
We are here because drinking made/makes, us miserable.

Ignore the AV.

Put the booze down and have some Real fun.

carpetcleaner

Hello DJ

4 days is really great.

I have posted here very recently about the anxiety I currently face having drank so much for so many years.

I'm worried I have something horrible going on inside and I'm talking the last 15 years of 25/30 units a day, often more. Drank before that 15 years too to excess but it's ramped up, as it always does.

The best advice is, and always had been on here, is to visit your GP. I am seeing mine in a few weeks and intend to be straight. It wont be easy, but it'll be easier than explaining to my family why I'm poorly further down the line.

Keep posting - everyone really is a great support here.

Take care of yourself,

CC

Dee74

hi again DJ. I’m not sure I can offer much more in the way of quitting advice if part of you is still convinced that drinking is still fun.

I told myself my self I enjoyed drinking and getting drunk too, but the reality was I did most of my drinking at home by the end. Too many embarrassing things happened outside my house or in the company of others- being carried home, being embarrassing in the bar, fell down a flight of stairs…

Enjoyable drunk was maybe 1% of the experience? The other 99% was anticipation, the idea that if one glass made me feel great then 10 will make me feel awesome…then loss of control, embarrassment regret shame and sadness followed…a terrible emptiness that I thought I could only fill with more drinking.

But still I clung to that 1%…and eventually I did not even get that - I was drinking simply to function, no joy, no lift, no nothing.

You can have the things you felt and did in those 4 months, or you can drink. There’s no way to have both.

D

mns1

Chances are if you have to debate with yourself about whether or not this is a problem and you should stop, then you should strongly consider stopping DJ. The fact that you have anxiety about your drinking and (based on your initial post) what harm it could be doing to your body is even more reason to stop now.

I agree with others who have said that that is your AV saying you love getting drunk. You know the costs are outweighing the "benefits" at thus point.

I also gathered from your initial post that you and I are about the same age. I drank heavily and daily for 12 years and thought I was screwed when my health started to tank bank in February. I was astounded to learn that the damage I thought was done by drinking wasn't as bad as I thought, and was recently given a mostly clean bill of health.

You and I are still fairly young, but the clock is ticking fast DJ. Sounds like now is a better time than ever to start putting your long-term health above drinking. It's not worth it to continue. Trust me.

DJ1986

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and insightful replies, which have got me thinking further which is a good thing.

I think part of the problem is that nothing terrible happens when I’m drinking. I never get into arguments or do anything dangerous, offend anyone etc. I just feel that actually it just makes me a more fun sociable person.

The price I pay, is feeling rough the next day, which I guess I find manageable. Far far from ideal though. And of course it’s really not a healthy thing to be doing.

I appreciate what people are saying about it not being fun, or real genuine fun and I don’t necessarily disagree. But at the time it really does feel fun!

Even on a Friday night at home just with my husband. When we’re drinking we’ll be much more chatty, we’ll laugh more, joke around more, have a dance around the kitchen maybe. And it would be a very different evening if we weren’t drinking. Could still be nice enough, just not as fun.

Maybe that is just ‘the AV’ talking, I don’t know.

LazaB

That is a very good tool actually , is it worth it to have a few hours of fun ( maybe ) when you know that the next 2 days are going to be full on depression/anxiety , and that is actually the best case scenario , the worst case scenario is that you continue to drink and end up homeless or dead ( at least in my case ).

Evoo

Hi, DJ1986 - just read through this thread. And I want to ask a few things, if that's OK.

1. Did you ever see a doctor to get a health workup? Health anxiety was a huge factor in my continuing to drink. I was terrified of what the doctor might say. I was scared of cirrhosis and permanent damage. The thought alone would drive me into existential panic attacks that I felt could only be relieved by alcohol.
2. If you're honest with yourself, do you really enjoy moderate drinking? I also had an ebb and flow between heavy drinking ("oblivion" as you called it) and periods of so-called "moderation." I don't know about you, but moderation wasn't very fun for me. It took a tremendous amount of willpower, and I never felt very good the next day.

My advice - if you haven't already - is see the doctor. Get the workup. I did - my liver was fine - but I had untreated autoimmune conditions from avoiding (and lying) to my doctors for so long. I just assumed it was all drinking-related. It wasn't. Getting treatment and finding doctors I could trust has all but eliminated the health anxiety. I used to spin out Googling symptoms, work myself into a lather, and march straight to the liquor store. No longer.

Hope you're doing well - and glad to see you keep poking your head in. This is not a judgmental crew. We know what you're going through and how long it can take to break free. Please keep posting!

Dee74

but you were worried enough to start this thread about your health….

D

dickensen

We drinkers are all on a slippery slope that goes down. We may enjoy getting smashed but alcohol is addictive and will eventually do bodily damage. There are great benefits of not drinking - health, image, function, freedom, etc.

sugarbear1

My best drinking buddy was in the hospital while her organs were shutting down one by one while I was at an AA meeting trying and succeeding at staying stopped from drinking alcohol eleven years ago.

What do you choose?

Stop worrying about the damage you have done. As long as you are drinking, you are damaging yourself. If you stay stopped, your body can and will heal.....

Ringside

I signed up for this message board probably two years before I quit for good. At that time I was maybe 33 and was still hanging on to the rapidly fading idea that the fun - or utility - of drinking made the depression, anxiety, hangovers, and general emptiness that followed worth it. But I knew at that time that there was a problem - why else would I be here? The horse was out of the barn and it was only a matter of time before I either self-destructed completely or stopped drinking.

I got close to self destructing, but one day, I gave up that fight and it was the beginning of a new life. I hope you get to that point soon, and without too much damage to yourself or others.

DJ1986

I’m very sorry to hear that LazaB and thank you for your thoughts.

DJ1986

Thanks Evoo for the kind words, I am doing well generally thank you.

In answer to your questions:

1. I did come clean with the GP after my initial post and had blood and urine tests, and all came out normal. Probably part of the problem.

2. No, I don’t enjoy moderate drinking (1 or 2 drinks?) really. I drink to get drunk, which I know isn’t normal behaviour.

DJ1986

I know, and then I got the all clear I suppose. I don’t drink anywhere near as much as I did back then. Still does damage though I know.

DJ1986

Thanks dickensen. I’ve been all over the place, up and down, with my drinking over the years.

I do see the benefits, or potential benefits, I really do.