Update at 10 weeks sober
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Update at 10 weeks sober
Good morning SR friends! I thought I'd give a short update since it’s been awhile. I wish I could post here more regularly. I find myself having trouble keeping up with the fast pace of conversation in the forum, and I wonder if anyone has any tips on how to stay on top of new posts and replies. Other than subscribing to every post I haven’t figured out a way to be informed of new replies in thread that I’m following.
Anyway, I want to share the message to newbies and anyone struggling to maintain sobriety that relief from the obsession of addiction can happen faster than you might think.
I've been sober since May 5th--not very long in the grand scheme of things--yet I feel like a completely changed person. It’s so different this time, for several reasons. Reading and posting on this forum daily was one very important step in getting me past the hump early on. And the wisdom that others so graciously shared here on this forum led me to what turned out to be THE KEY for me, which was changing my mindset towards alcohol.
The message I was getting over and over from those on this forum who were strong in their sobriety was that I had to re-train my brain to associate alcohol and being impaired with misery.
It sounds so simple, especially because we all can easily rattle off a half dozen examples of the havoc drinking wrecked in our lives. Yet for years I had tried to quit, my resolve rock solid for little more than a day before the white-knuckling began, followed by the inevitable binge. What was I doing wrong?
In the past when the cravings of early sobriety hit my reaction was to compartmentalize the negative consequences of boozing: Sure I had a killer hangover last time but that was because I didn’t eat enough first. My husband and kids got upset when I drank the other day but that was because I did it during the week, and today’s Saturday. I blacked out recently but that’s only because I didn’t space my drinks apart enough.
The intimacy issues with my spouse, the tension with my kids, my sleeping problems, my weight, lack of energy and motivation, my depression—well they were all separate issues in themselves. At least that’s what I had to tell myself in order for me to continue drinking like a fool and ignore the painfully pathetic truth, which was that just about every single one of my problems were either caused by or made worse by alcohol.
So when I woke up on May 6th of this year, hungover, ashamed, and disgusted once again after a night of drinking I had a “never again” moment unlike any I’ve had in the past. This time I knew it had to be for real, or that my family unit would not survive. How would I get through it? All I knew for sure is that I had to do something differently this time.
This forum showed me the way, and the epiphany was that I had to train my brain to recoil at the mere thought of getting drunk again. My goal was to consolidate every negative consequence of drinking into one giant ball of wretchedness in my mind, and then attach that feeling to the idea of getting drunk.
Learning any new skill is challenging at first, and I kept reminding myself that this was no different. I remember taking a typing class in high school, and the first few weeks it felt so awkward and foreign to hold my hands in the “home” position over the keyboard. Yet before I knew it I was tapping off 80 words per minute—a skill that stands to this day.
When random cravings pop up I consciously remind myself of that god awful heap of misery. I had to permanently pair the two thoughts as one until it happened automatically. I.E.: Booze=Bad. Drunk=Dying. Being impaired is a waste of life. Imbibing was permanently scarring my kids, and ruining my marriage. And even though there was a time when drinking could be fun, that time had passed in my life and it would never, ever be anything but awful for me again.
In the very beginning I was somewhat fearful of situations where booze would be served. My new way of thinking wasn't yet ingrained and I would catch my mind slipping back into my previous “default” associations with alcohol. Like when my sister invited me to a barbecue at her house for the 4th of July images of beer and thoughts of getting wasted instantly flashed in my brain.
But then I remembered my goal and reminded myself of the truth: Last year at her 4th of July barbecue I shut out the party and focused ONLY on getting drunk. I expanded on that memory in my mind, focusing on the how it felt when the quest to keep drinking would take over me, control me—possess me. Though I’d get progressively more impaired I could never fully drink away the awareness that I was being led on a leash by the booze. And so behind the glassy eyes and sloppy speech there was always that inner shame and knowledge that the drink was taking over my actions, and violating my very soul. That knowledge, of course, would be a thousand times more painful the next morning.
That ugly truth about addiction is what we all try to push aside and forget, yet for me, remembering it--every repulsive, shameful, depraved and sick aspect of it—is my key to freedom.
Living life in sobriety is also a skill that I am re-learning. Being fully present all the time feels strange at first. But with each day, weekend, holiday or family party that I am sober I am closer to becoming myself again. I am discovering the joy of the little things in life and sometimes I feel like a child seeing the world for the first time. Singing along to the Beatles with my sons, splashing my feet in the pool, playing board games. Such simple things that for so long I hadn’t fully experienced because my senses had been impaired, muted--blunted with booze.
A few weeks ago I was at a barbecue with my husband’s cousins. My ambivalence about getting through it sober quickly dissolved as I became immersed in conversation. It was a great day with good food, good people, and a gorgeous summer breeze. All throughout the party I couldn’t help but notice a rather large red robin that kept perching on the chain link fence in the yard. It seemed to be deliberately looking trying to get my attention and meet my gaze. I’m a big fan of birds, and I’m also a believer in signs from the universe. In fact, starting from the crazy chain of awful events in close concession during my last week of drinking, I’ve had this sense that my sober journey is being divinely guided. And there was something about the way that robin kept landing there and looking at me during the party that led me to believe he was there for me. Later day I searched for the symbolic meaning of red robins. Yes, indeed, that bird was there for me:
Robin signifies stimulation of new growth and renewal in many areas of life. He teaches that any changes can be made with joy, laughter and a song in your heart. This bird shows you how to ride the winds of passion within your heart and become independent and self reliant through this change. The energy of this bird will teach you how to move forward with grace, tenacity, perseveranceand assertion. Are you letting go of personal dramas? Ones that no longer serve your higher purpose? Are you exercising compassion and patience in mental, spiritual and emotional areas? This creature will teach how to incorporate new beginnings with faithand trust in the process. It is time to believe in yourself and use the inspiration that is given. Listen carefully. It is time sing your own song for a new period in your life..
I’m so thankful for my new chance at life. Booze brought my world to a screeching halt, and now that I've removed that roadblock I am free to continue my journey and to grow as a person. I still have challenges like every human on the planet. It's only now that I am sober that I can actually begin to rise up to those challenges.
Anyway, I want to share the message to newbies and anyone struggling to maintain sobriety that relief from the obsession of addiction can happen faster than you might think.
I've been sober since May 5th--not very long in the grand scheme of things--yet I feel like a completely changed person. It’s so different this time, for several reasons. Reading and posting on this forum daily was one very important step in getting me past the hump early on. And the wisdom that others so graciously shared here on this forum led me to what turned out to be THE KEY for me, which was changing my mindset towards alcohol.
The message I was getting over and over from those on this forum who were strong in their sobriety was that I had to re-train my brain to associate alcohol and being impaired with misery.
It sounds so simple, especially because we all can easily rattle off a half dozen examples of the havoc drinking wrecked in our lives. Yet for years I had tried to quit, my resolve rock solid for little more than a day before the white-knuckling began, followed by the inevitable binge. What was I doing wrong?
In the past when the cravings of early sobriety hit my reaction was to compartmentalize the negative consequences of boozing: Sure I had a killer hangover last time but that was because I didn’t eat enough first. My husband and kids got upset when I drank the other day but that was because I did it during the week, and today’s Saturday. I blacked out recently but that’s only because I didn’t space my drinks apart enough.
The intimacy issues with my spouse, the tension with my kids, my sleeping problems, my weight, lack of energy and motivation, my depression—well they were all separate issues in themselves. At least that’s what I had to tell myself in order for me to continue drinking like a fool and ignore the painfully pathetic truth, which was that just about every single one of my problems were either caused by or made worse by alcohol.
So when I woke up on May 6th of this year, hungover, ashamed, and disgusted once again after a night of drinking I had a “never again” moment unlike any I’ve had in the past. This time I knew it had to be for real, or that my family unit would not survive. How would I get through it? All I knew for sure is that I had to do something differently this time.
This forum showed me the way, and the epiphany was that I had to train my brain to recoil at the mere thought of getting drunk again. My goal was to consolidate every negative consequence of drinking into one giant ball of wretchedness in my mind, and then attach that feeling to the idea of getting drunk.
Learning any new skill is challenging at first, and I kept reminding myself that this was no different. I remember taking a typing class in high school, and the first few weeks it felt so awkward and foreign to hold my hands in the “home” position over the keyboard. Yet before I knew it I was tapping off 80 words per minute—a skill that stands to this day.
When random cravings pop up I consciously remind myself of that god awful heap of misery. I had to permanently pair the two thoughts as one until it happened automatically. I.E.: Booze=Bad. Drunk=Dying. Being impaired is a waste of life. Imbibing was permanently scarring my kids, and ruining my marriage. And even though there was a time when drinking could be fun, that time had passed in my life and it would never, ever be anything but awful for me again.
In the very beginning I was somewhat fearful of situations where booze would be served. My new way of thinking wasn't yet ingrained and I would catch my mind slipping back into my previous “default” associations with alcohol. Like when my sister invited me to a barbecue at her house for the 4th of July images of beer and thoughts of getting wasted instantly flashed in my brain.
But then I remembered my goal and reminded myself of the truth: Last year at her 4th of July barbecue I shut out the party and focused ONLY on getting drunk. I expanded on that memory in my mind, focusing on the how it felt when the quest to keep drinking would take over me, control me—possess me. Though I’d get progressively more impaired I could never fully drink away the awareness that I was being led on a leash by the booze. And so behind the glassy eyes and sloppy speech there was always that inner shame and knowledge that the drink was taking over my actions, and violating my very soul. That knowledge, of course, would be a thousand times more painful the next morning.
That ugly truth about addiction is what we all try to push aside and forget, yet for me, remembering it--every repulsive, shameful, depraved and sick aspect of it—is my key to freedom.
Living life in sobriety is also a skill that I am re-learning. Being fully present all the time feels strange at first. But with each day, weekend, holiday or family party that I am sober I am closer to becoming myself again. I am discovering the joy of the little things in life and sometimes I feel like a child seeing the world for the first time. Singing along to the Beatles with my sons, splashing my feet in the pool, playing board games. Such simple things that for so long I hadn’t fully experienced because my senses had been impaired, muted--blunted with booze.
A few weeks ago I was at a barbecue with my husband’s cousins. My ambivalence about getting through it sober quickly dissolved as I became immersed in conversation. It was a great day with good food, good people, and a gorgeous summer breeze. All throughout the party I couldn’t help but notice a rather large red robin that kept perching on the chain link fence in the yard. It seemed to be deliberately looking trying to get my attention and meet my gaze. I’m a big fan of birds, and I’m also a believer in signs from the universe. In fact, starting from the crazy chain of awful events in close concession during my last week of drinking, I’ve had this sense that my sober journey is being divinely guided. And there was something about the way that robin kept landing there and looking at me during the party that led me to believe he was there for me. Later day I searched for the symbolic meaning of red robins. Yes, indeed, that bird was there for me:
Robin signifies stimulation of new growth and renewal in many areas of life. He teaches that any changes can be made with joy, laughter and a song in your heart. This bird shows you how to ride the winds of passion within your heart and become independent and self reliant through this change. The energy of this bird will teach you how to move forward with grace, tenacity, perseveranceand assertion. Are you letting go of personal dramas? Ones that no longer serve your higher purpose? Are you exercising compassion and patience in mental, spiritual and emotional areas? This creature will teach how to incorporate new beginnings with faithand trust in the process. It is time to believe in yourself and use the inspiration that is given. Listen carefully. It is time sing your own song for a new period in your life..
I’m so thankful for my new chance at life. Booze brought my world to a screeching halt, and now that I've removed that roadblock I am free to continue my journey and to grow as a person. I still have challenges like every human on the planet. It's only now that I am sober that I can actually begin to rise up to those challenges.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Beautiful post BND. It's kind of crazy but I literally just 2 minutes ago responded to a post you put on a thread I started to check and see how you were. I don't believe in the divine, but ah, quite a coincidence!
I'm on the same path, with much of the same thoughts and experiences as you. I was struck by this you wrote (among other things):
Being fully present all the time feels strange at first. But with each day, weekend, holiday or family party that I am sober I am closer to becoming myself again. I agree and even more I feel like I am closer to becoming a self I never even knew. There is someone in each of us, maybe maybe someones, who is never able to live properly because of our drinking. Only by being sober are we able to let that self, that true self, start to evolve.
I agree, it's work - and I agree, it is also perhaps the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Might just be the meaning of life itself - this work on bettering our selves for our families and our communities and our selves.
Thank you for the post. And a huge congrats. An honor to be walking this path along side you.
As for the frequency that these boards get updated and seem to disappear - I know what you mean. No advice here, only that I hope to see you write more often. You are an excellent writer and have much to share.
I'm on the same path, with much of the same thoughts and experiences as you. I was struck by this you wrote (among other things):
Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11 
Being fully present all the time feels strange at first. But with each day, weekend, holiday or family party that I am sober I am closer to becoming myself again.
I agree, it's work - and I agree, it is also perhaps the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Might just be the meaning of life itself - this work on bettering our selves for our families and our communities and our selves.
Thank you for the post. And a huge congrats. An honor to be walking this path along side you.
As for the frequency that these boards get updated and seem to disappear - I know what you mean. No advice here, only that I hope to see you write more often. You are an excellent writer and have much to share.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by lessgravity
Beautiful post BND. It's kind of crazy but I literally just 2 minutes ago responded to a post you put on a thread I started to check and see how you were. I don't believe in the divine, but ah, quite a coincidence!
I'm on the same path, with much of the same thoughts and experiences as you. I was struck by this you wrote (among other things):
I agree and even more I feel like I am closer to becoming a self I never even knew. There is someone in each of us, maybe maybe someones, who is never able to live properly because of our drinking. Only by being sober are we able to let that self, that true self, start to evolve.
I agree, it's work - and I agree, it is also perhaps the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Might just be the meaning of life itself - this work on bettering our selves for our families and our communities and our selves.
Thank you for the post. And a huge congrats. An honor to be walking this path along side you.
As for the frequency that these boards get updated and seem to disappear - I know what you mean. No advice here, only that I hope to see you write more often. You are an excellent writer and have much to share.
I'm on the same path, with much of the same thoughts and experiences as you. I was struck by this you wrote (among other things):
I agree and even more I feel like I am closer to becoming a self I never even knew. There is someone in each of us, maybe maybe someones, who is never able to live properly because of our drinking. Only by being sober are we able to let that self, that true self, start to evolve.
I agree, it's work - and I agree, it is also perhaps the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Might just be the meaning of life itself - this work on bettering our selves for our families and our communities and our selves.
Thank you for the post. And a huge congrats. An honor to be walking this path along side you.
As for the frequency that these boards get updated and seem to disappear - I know what you mean. No advice here, only that I hope to see you write more often. You are an excellent writer and have much to share.
So true about how we are in many ways discovering ourselves for the first time. I've only had short stretches of sobriety as an adult and never in my 40's. It's pretty awesome to discover that I can actually like myself!
I'm also grateful to be going through this alongside you and all of the courageous people on this forum. This place is what got me to where I am today and I will make it a priority to post more often.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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