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Learning To Detach...

Old 07-16-2018, 08:48 AM
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Learning To Detach...

I've heard and seen a lot of advice and wisdom about detachment when it comes to alcoholism and addiction. Advice to the family members that they need to 'detach' - to avoid being caught up in the spinning maelstrom of the addict's downward spiral.

I'm finding that this advice can also be really relevant in sobriety. I'm having a challenging time with my family because a family member is struggling with alcohol and they brought me into their web of rationalization as one of the influences who is at fault.

Without going into a lot of detail, the upshot is that my own Mom is acting very strange, is totally out of communication, has nearly 'cut me off' because this other family member has - and is manipulating the family around their perspective of me and their perception of my faults and misdeeds.

For my part, I've established and held my boundaries. Nobody among them have been forthright enough to even simply say what's going on - they've just apparently chosen to cut themselves off from me (yet still seek to connect with my children).....

Anyway - this morning I found myself disturbed and angry about it all.... my mind when spinning off into stories and I got quite grumpy. I finally brought myself back to detachment. While I don't feel good about this whole situation - it's not mine to own. If my family wants to cut themselves off from me - then I am not going to chase them down and seek their blessings or attempt to appease them. I've done nothing wrong and their reaction isn't mine to own.

So - I'm practicing detachment and I'm realizing that's an iportant thing for my own sobriety.

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Old 07-16-2018, 09:16 AM
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Be patient free owl.
Accept it.
Given time things will blow over.
Families have rows all the time.

My brother is the hardest person in the world to be around.
He got cut off from various family members including his kids.
Things are all back to normal again with him now.
He’s a recovering alcoholic of 5years now.

Keep your cool
At least you’re not drinking so things can’t get worse.
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Old 07-16-2018, 09:27 AM
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thank you snowydelrico...

I agree. It's particularly challenging because my Mom is involved.... never had a strained relationship with her.

But - in the end you're correct... families have rows and that's part of life.

I know it'll all blow past like the weather eventually.... along the way I just have to let go.

Grateful that I'm dealing with it in sobriety because the alcoholic me would probably have been irresistibly drawn to try and "make up for" the situation.... seeking to maintain "harmony" in the family and getting drawn into the drama of it all.

As challenging as it feels to be sort of sidelined by my own family - it's preferable to being all spun up in addictive chaos.

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Old 07-16-2018, 09:28 AM
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I don't envy your situation FO, but I can empathize. I too have had minimal contact with my family since mid 2015. I don't necessarily like it, but it is necessary.
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Old 07-16-2018, 09:36 AM
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Alcoholism is like a nuclear bomb that destroys everything around you. Staying clean is the answer.
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Old 07-16-2018, 10:10 AM
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Yeah, some things can’t be forced.
Just got to let them run their course making the right decisions along the way.
Maybe you messed up in the past but that doesn’t mean you have to mess up now or in the future.
While all the chaos around you consumes itself and burns out, your consistency will prevail .
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