new here, confused, feeling guilt

Old 07-14-2018, 05:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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new here, confused, feeling guilt


I am new to this forum. I recently broke up with someone I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with...however things went sideways.

Were both in our 30s and when we first started dating he kept asking me if I did drugs, and I thought he was just trying to see if I did, in case he wanted a "good girl" stupid me it was a red flag.

We were together for 2 years and where to start...I want to heal. I come from a super straight laced family, I only drink socially, I've never tried drugs.

When I met this guy, we fell for eachother hard. Little did I know every weekend was going to be a party at someone's house. I didn't know he did cocaine until three or four months in. Call me codependent, I really thought I could help him. The first times it was around, I'd go to another room, or go outside, just to avoid. Everything went to hell last fall. He was drunk and doing cocaine and fell and broke a bone in his body. I spent the entire time in the hospital with him during the urgent care visit, but when it came to his surgery day (a different day), he claims he didn't want me to miss work *eyeroll*. I didn't go and I still regret it. His parents didn't make it because they didn't want to step on my toes. Thing is with me, I felt like he didn't want me all...he said he just wanted his parents. So I tried to respect that, but I think deep down he wanted any support. but who knows. I feel so bad he had no one. I will always regret not just telling work I had to go for a few hours and make up the time later.

One time with his friends, his close friend told me he was worried about him. I brought it up to my bf after, and told him if he needed me please tell me and that his friends care about him (ok so that's a little weak with an addict) but his friend thought he was getting worse. When I told this it was like talking to a wall...he didn't give any response. He did that with me sometimes. Guess we weren't good at communicating.

After the accident, he couldn't work out and became a little more depressed. Him and I started to bicker more and I caught him in a lie. He went to his vehicle and told me he was buying soda because some of his friends were coming over. I knew there was soda in his kitchen so I knew he was going to pick up, I freaked out. I had enough of being lied to. The next day we decided to break up. After we broke up we hung out once again and feel like things were improving. We could have gotten back together BUT boom, I was offered a job in a new city and I had to break up and move. And now I feel super guilty and regret. I miss him like crazy. He didn't think I'd actually go. He made it clear earlier this year he didn't want me moving in and so I kind of felt like we weren't progressing (I could be called impatient but hey, I'm not in my 20s anymore).

After I moved, I found out he told someone close to me that he wanted to marry me. He never told me that. I don't know if it were a lie or what. I wanted to marry him. I don't want kids, but neither did he....he doesn't like responsibility. I saw him the last night I was in his town. He kissed me goodbye and said "well I guess you've already made up your mind about going". I kind of wanted to see him fight a little more but I also made the choice without his input and now I feel crazy guilty. Anyways....he seems more sad. The day I was driving to my new life (which is close to my family, 800 miles away) he told me he broke down. I think he's depressed. I feel responsible. I don't know who or what to believe anymore. We occasionally check up on one another. Problem was all his friends were single and partied hard, he wanted me and he wanted his life with his friends. I go back and forth with making the right decision. I feel kind of selfish. I feel like I regret things. They were doing these drugs only on weekends, even though I hated it he never still continued even though I got mad many times. Our time together wasn't all bad. We went on a few fun trips together, we had our jokes, and time together. When he was just with me he wouldn't do the drugs but I always felt like I was too boring sometimes, who knows. Anyway.....I don't have any friends who have had similar experiences soooo thanks for listening
aaliyah08 is offline  
Old 07-14-2018, 08:37 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
StellaBlu's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: corn country, USA
Posts: 957
Hi Aaliyah and welcome to SR.

I'm sorry you feel guilty and confused. I read your post and I empathize with you. If it were me, I would move and take the job for the following reasons:
1. That special someone would have to be very special for me to forgo a career opportunity - meaning I would really have to trust him. Honestly it sounds like he has eroded trust.

2. I would want to hear that he wants to marry me directly from him. If I heard it from a third source it would actually make me trust him less.

3. Some distance (and time) may inspire him to sober up and decide he wants you back in his life. I would let him take the initiative!

But everyone is different. You need to do what is in your heart.
You may find support in the Friends and family section of the website.
StellaBlu is offline  

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