mistory5

Into self pity monster party today. Today is my 15th day without a drink. I find myself very teary and full of regretful feelings and pain over everything I allowed alcohol to take from my 18 year old son who has started college (he got into summer male Leadership program). I have loss my career which paid very well, now on disability. Loss license 2x, loss friends and family, loss my looks, cant make needed repairs around the house, cant afford to fix car or home because I loss my well paying career. I can't complete college courses anymore to retrain for new career, I loss my memory and ability to process information accurately as i did pre alcoholic, Ive lost my mental and emotional health. All that wasted time and money in and out of rehabs, detoxes, IOPs, counseling,
Psychiatrists, ERs, injuries, meds...unbelievable...insane. The more days I get sober the more clearly I can see and feel the devastation that only myself allowed alcohol to bring down on my life. I just need to figure out how to get back up and replenish my life with good things. I do not want these reflections to take me back to the bottle . I even went to the hospital chapel where I knew I would totally be alone to go before God and ask Him for forgiveness for leaning on alcohol instead of Him. Told Him all about my regrets, fears, worries and how the desire of my heart is to rebuild my life in the way He would want me to. But, I told Him I need His and others help and I need Him to erase these regrets so I can move on.

mistory5

I forgot to add taken away from myself too, not just my son.

NerfThis

Congratulations on over two weeks sober. That is a great achievement!

YOU need to erase those regrets. Picking up the bottle again will only give you more regrets to add to the list. Alcohol does a lot of damage to people and that damage is often upsetting enough to make you think you need to drink to get over it, but it won't help.

The fact you aren't drinking right now means that you are letting nobody down. Not your son and not yourself. Don't worry about what alcohol did, concern yourself with what great things a sober you can achieve. Your mental and emotional health will gradually improve as you get more sober time behind you.

Everything may feel awful now, but it simply cannot improve unless you give it time to. Everything you listed above will improve as long as you don't sink into alcoholism again.

2ndhandrose

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

This is one of my favorite quotes, mistory5. I have felt exactly like you do now.

You are in very early days of recovery and that can be a rocky place to be. God hears your prayers.

Stay the course, God will never cause pain without allowing something new to be born.

wildflower70

Mistory,

I am sorry for the way you're feeling, and many of us have been there. We get sober and the reality of the destruction from alcohol sets in...big time. I have lost my relationship with my daughter over booze, and may never get it back. I too have let my despair take me back to the bottle...in the past.

Now I have moved forward, and that was only possible by forgiving myself. You are worth forgiveness and love. Try to accept the mistakes and forgive yourself for them. Alcohol is a thief that will steal our bodies, minds, and souls....if we let it. Please hold on to sobriety, it will get easier to love yourself again.

WF

entropy1964

I'm sorry you're hurting. Been there. Relate. It takes longer than 15 days to start feeling better. The idea of drinking over the things that drinking has caused is insanity. Pure and simple (btw I've been there, tried that, many times....it doesn't work). I recommend you shut those thoughts down, fast and absolutely.

You believe in God. Why not work the program of AA? I don't know if you've tried but if you believe you have a spiritual malady and the solution is God and you are willing to follow the suggestions of the program, I strongly recommend it. I am envious of people with faith....I have seen it completely change the lives of those that are willing.

Hang in there. Nobody said it was going tobe easy....but you don't have to drink over it. You really don't.

DontRemember

15days is still very early mentally. You can't change your past,so there's no need overthinking it. Sure,remember it and use it to strengthen your resolve,but there's nothing that can be done. Focus on things you can fix and work on. Plan for those courses,repairs,ect..and stay sober. I'd use this down time to throw myself into a recovery program,if you've not already.

VigilanceNow

I've been right where you are on many occasions. This is exactly what alcoholism and addiction does: it sucks you into a vicious cycle in which you drink to forget the destruction of drinking. I've spent days lost in this horrible pattern, digging myself further and further into a hole of mental and physical torture.

Remember, right now, that we are not hopeless. There are people just like you who are struggling to come to terms with their past, but they are not resorting to the bottle. You seem to be listing all the things that you feel you cannot change; well, let me tell you, not one of them seems beyond repair to me. Try to set reasonable, achievable goals for yourself each day. Be patient with yourself and have faith in your body's ability to heal itself. In the first fifteen days, most people (myself included) have cited feeling like they were on an emotional and physical roller coaster. This will improve the longer you stay sober.

You need to establish a program for yourself that you can follow and feel fully engaged in recovery. There are groups around the world that can help with this, and will welcome you with open arms.

You are not hopeless and you are not alone!

mistory5

Thank you all for your replies. They really helped me to have some hope and strength to stick with staying sober. The main thing that stuck with me drinking again will only add to the list of things my past drinking has already destroyed...I honestly feel if that was to happen I would be thinking suicide. And, quite honestly I'm NOT ready to die, especially at my own hands. Thanks again SR community!

Buckley3

You have to keep this in front of you. Also, it's very much a matter of scale... be careful not to expect everything to come together at once. It's not easy. But a lot of us have been there.

You have to fight and claw each day to combat the overwhelming feeling of it all by just focusing and defining 1 or 2 things you can do right now to take the next step forward. Sometimes that will be actions, sometimes it will be rest. Rest is important to recharge to get back at it.
Of course, the first thing is full commitment to sobriety - nothing else happens without it.

For example, getting reset financially - maybe consider selling or downsizing or moving into something affordable? If it is indeed impossible to get out of the current arrangement is foreclosure or even bankruptcy an option? Not pleasant I know. But 7 years isn't forever. But being stuck in non-action can be.

Whatever you have to do to start getting the basics of life back to a sane foundation from which to work is important. And it's a day by day process of battling the fears, anxieties, etc.. It also requires that we suck up our pride sometimes and just embrace the suck. Trust me, you aren't the only person that's ever made a mess of things... and by far the mess you've made isn't the worst mess. It's ok. It really is. **** happens. The important and courageous thing is that you are owning it now. That's huge.

BUT... and it's a biiig BUT... every little hurdle you overcome builds confidence. Even the seemingly bad outcomes - like potential short term credit problems or the inconvenience of moving - etc. etc., even those once engaged and dealth with become important hurdles that build our confidence back up.

You've already done what's impossible for some. You own your situation, you've sobered up. Remember that you aren't alone. It does get better, but you have to take actions to rebuild. Don't think in terms of home runs... think base hits. One thing at a time, little by little, bit by bit.

It comes together. You'll enjoy the sense of accomplishement and the empowerment that comes with it. You'll learn to trust yourself again. Others will take notice. Help will come from unexpected places. It's an amazing story, it's just waiting for you to write it. One word at a time.

Remember to be good to yourself. You deserve it. And you are not alone. Many of us faced these things - are still facing these things. You are not alone.

-B

Hevyn

Mistory - I'm really glad you wanted to talk about this.

I had the same feelings of regret & remorse as the fog lifted. I had been numb to all the chaos swirling around me. I justified my behavior & made light of it - even though some very serious & damaging things happened because I was drinking. A few times the guilt did lead me back to drinking - and believe me, you do not want to allow that to happen in a moment of weakness. I made my recovery so much harder by not riding out the negative feelings. Each time I decided to 'comfort' myself by drinking - it led to even more damage & danger. None of us sets out to sabotage our life. Remembering how out of control we are when drinking is necessary, but we have to cut ourselves a break at some point. We can't allow negativity to shatter our world & destroy the rebuilding of our life.

Today is your Day 16 - congratulations. Treasure it.

Awake61

Hi - I could have written your post. So hard right now. But you and the replies have been so inspiring. Thanks for sharing. WE can do this.

january161992

great job on 15 days

soberista

Congratulations on your sober time. Well done. Could i ask...what's your plan? To acknowledge you need help and are helpless when it comes to alcohol i would imagine a 12 step programme would be helpful if your not already following. You cant do this alone and you are doing so well you may find lots of help and support at a meeting. Xx

Nonsensical

Congrats on 2 weeks Mistory!

Here is something I use when I start to get sucked down the Vortex of Regrets:

I look ahead to 1 year from now. I see myself, and I am so happy because I stayed sober, and it allowed me to do things to become a better person. Then I list those things that I am happy I was able to have done a year from now.

Keep it going! You can do this!

blueberry2015

Recovery is a painful process, however one which is completely worth it. The feelings you describe, are normal. Myself and every other recovering alcoholic have all experienced regret, shame and remorse. What is really important to remember that those actions were not done by a sober person, but by a person whom was in the grips of their addiction. These actions also were never ever meant to be intended either. Alcohol is so powerful it takes away our control, control over how much we drink, control over our actions etc. Whilst im not saying that we shouldnt be accountable for our actions, because we should, but what I am saying is that these are the actions of someone who was unwell. You do need to be kind to yourself, what is done is done and cannot be altered, however what you do have the power to change is how you react to them. Today, you do have a choice. Now, you can continue to keep beating yourself up, or have acceptance to what has happened, make amends, and also and most importantly, forgive yourself. So so important. You are NOT a bad person. Ok?

A start to making amends to others and yourself is by taking ownership of your drinking problem, which you have, and you can continue to do so by staying sober. One day at a time.

Remember rome wasnt built in a day, all this stuff takes time to work through, being sober today is a good start, and as each day goes by you are making progress, moving one step further away from the past and one step closer to a new future.

If you havent already, i’d suggest AA and a sponsor, the steps and a sponsor will really really help process all this stuff x You are not alone x

Anna

I had a really hard time dealing with regret and shame when I stopped drinking. I was at the point where it was pulling me down. I had to start to rebuild my self-esteem so I could move forward.

Two weeks sober is a great accomplishment. Be proud of yourself for making the changes you are making. This simple quote from Maya Angelou helped me, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better".

Mango212

How are you doing today?

Gottalife

I have to say I am pleased you have found yourself in a spot where you are beginning to see the truth of your situation. It seems, for the real alcoholic which you appear to be very like, that seeing the truth is a vital first step toward recovery. After all, if you don't understand clearly what the problem is, how can you fix it?

Good news and bad news. The bad news is the memory of the humiliation of even a week or a month ago will not be sufficient to prevent an alcoholic drinking again.

The good news is you appear to already have step two of the AA program done, which is to say that you believe God could help you recover from this. You also have a good part of step one, which is about identifying the problem.

AA sums it up in the abcs. A) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, B) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, and C) that God could and would if He were sought.

The key to starting this journey is in recognising the limits of our own power. We get a bit muddled on this. I go to God for help, ask Him to help me do his will, but always with the rider that I will do it my way. Most of us (recovered alcoholics) have found that we begin to recover only when we are willing to try ideas other than our own. Hence the surrender "OK my way didn't work, I will try yours God".

AA is about getting you connected to the Power that will keep you sober. Our experience is that there are a good number of blockages in the way, and the steps from four to nine are about removing those blockages so we can hear what God wants us to do. " the desire of my heart is to rebuild my life in the way He would want me to." You see the difference with "the way I would want to"?

All of the problems you listed above will be solved in the process, and many things you have listed as negatives will be turned into positives.

It all starts with the willingness to change and the willingness to try a new approach.