Relationships In Early Recovery
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
Relationships In Early Recovery
I was in a relationship for the past year that I ended this past week. I got sober a little over 4 months ago. I am just starting my 4th step. I have been reading the 12in12 and I have realized that I was resentful at my ex. That was why I broke up with her. Page 53 put it so perfectly. You either try to control or rely on another. And you never form a true partnership. I realize now that I played at least an equal part in the relationship failing. I am thinking of trying over again with her. She was understanding that I am in a weird place this early in recovery, to put it the least.
I just have so many conflicting thoughts on this. She was very supportive of my sobriety, but working on this relationship will take well... work. I need to put my sobriety first. But I'm harming someone and throwing away someone I love. I may not be using, but I still alowed my inner deamons to destroy something that was beautiful. Then I think to myself, my family and friends supported me breaking up. They saw the things she did and say. They thought I gave her too many excuses before I finally ended it. So it's not just me.
My sponsor told me a lot of AA is trying to find the balance. My therapist said when I'm not sure what to do I should rely on my support system. The big book & the 12in12 are telling me I played a huge role in this mess.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Looking forward to your thoughts.
Brenden
I just have so many conflicting thoughts on this. She was very supportive of my sobriety, but working on this relationship will take well... work. I need to put my sobriety first. But I'm harming someone and throwing away someone I love. I may not be using, but I still alowed my inner deamons to destroy something that was beautiful. Then I think to myself, my family and friends supported me breaking up. They saw the things she did and say. They thought I gave her too many excuses before I finally ended it. So it's not just me.
My sponsor told me a lot of AA is trying to find the balance. My therapist said when I'm not sure what to do I should rely on my support system. The big book & the 12in12 are telling me I played a huge role in this mess.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Looking forward to your thoughts.
Brenden
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Brenden, welcome to SR and way to go on your sobriety and all the work you are doing!
i haven't been in that exact situation, but step 4 was a real eye- opener for me ( and i had been convinced i knew myself quite well).
having played a huge role in messes...yes, i got to seeing that.
my suggestion would be to carry on with the stepwork and get farther along in that process before you rush into decisions about this.
since you are doing that work, it seems to me that when you get to step nine you will have more clarity on how to speak with her about your part and taking responsibility without putting expectations into it.
.
i haven't been in that exact situation, but step 4 was a real eye- opener for me ( and i had been convinced i knew myself quite well).
having played a huge role in messes...yes, i got to seeing that.
my suggestion would be to carry on with the stepwork and get farther along in that process before you rush into decisions about this.
since you are doing that work, it seems to me that when you get to step nine you will have more clarity on how to speak with her about your part and taking responsibility without putting expectations into it.
.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Brendan. Well done on the work you're doing and taking accountability.
I would suggest that if you're not sure what to do yet, don't do anything. Let it unfold. When you're ready to ask what you can offer her in this relationship, and not the other way round it might be time to reconsider. And that probably sounds harsher than its meant. And be careful around your motives when you get to making amends on this one.
Sounds like you're doing great though.
BB
PS Charlie C on fear and sex is a pretty good listen... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...-nevada-2006-2
I would suggest that if you're not sure what to do yet, don't do anything. Let it unfold. When you're ready to ask what you can offer her in this relationship, and not the other way round it might be time to reconsider. And that probably sounds harsher than its meant. And be careful around your motives when you get to making amends on this one.
Sounds like you're doing great though.
BB
PS Charlie C on fear and sex is a pretty good listen... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...-nevada-2006-2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Yeah..I agree with 'wait and see'. I was all over the place for months mentally,so you wouldn't want to get back together and decide you weren't ready.. I was in a back/fourth toxic codependant relationship and had to just cut it off or continue drinking with her or to 'deal' with her. I'm about 19mo sober and am just now considering casually dating again. Relationships are a lot of work and I'm still 'lazy'? 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Literally dealing with your situation
Sup bro. My name is jay. I’m 23 and I literally can relate to you at this very moment. I can give you my experience and one day you may be able to try this.
Just joined the site btw.
I’m 11 months sober. Let’s say I’m beyond lucky to have made it this far with the issues I had with control. My sponsor warned me “where is god in this” each time I called. I didn’t like to hear that, but the man was right all along. This experience below has set forth growth for me whether my relationship works out or not. It’s in god’s hands.
My gf and I have been battling. I always was insecure jealous etc. I could sometimes manage but some days I’d be hell. I’d push her away asking validation questions, why she hung with a male coworker. All my defects of chracter pushed her. She finally got so mad when I told her she disrespected me by hiding the fact she went to a male co worker house that I found thru opening a Snapchat on her phone (NONE OF MY BUSINESS). I thought to myself how is my gf gonna resent me and get angry... she said we need space.
I said fine we can have space.
My mind hit “Fear” aka **** everything and run. I convinced myself that she was the issue and that I don’t care if we break up. YIKES. I’m typing this and thinking RELAPSE WARNING. I sounded so stupid that day. Anyway....
I was isolated. My mom’s sponsor came over (she’s been around a long time. She listened and realized that my ego was never deflated and I need to write about this. She did a 4-9 step with me.
I finally did the footwork to this deadly resentment that I thought was all her fault. So I Had an eye opening 4-9 step about my current gf the last 72 hours. Things I never imagined came out from this. I was emotionally and mentally abusing my girlfriend. I never let her enjoy a life outside of mine. I never valued her opinions. I was GOD. I was so controlling. I have been running the show since I joined AA (absolutely crushed me). God was there but I wasn’t actively seeking. I acted out, I was mirrable around my lady. I always thought it wasn’t me, but my insecurities, my control, my jealousy defects flared out so bad. I tried to blame her many times and she has given me so many chances. In fact it was always my fault never hers. She talked to the guy coworker as a friend because I was too busy making her uncomfortable and stressing her out.
The 5th step hour changed my life. I didn’t just look at my girlfriend in my crazy situations. I applied Mom, Dad, sister, brother, friends. My mind was blown. I was doing this behavior my whole life. I never realized how rude and shut off from God I was.
My conception of God drastically changed. God showed up as my friend after this inventory. The god of my own understanding has been with me consciously loving me and talking to me. God finally has been felt in my heart.
Today I wrote an amends letter. Read it to my mom’s sponsor. She said continue to read it until it really settles in. I know that when God knows it... the right time for me to make this amends will be felt in my inner most deep part of my heart.
I can’t force this amends. I have to read that letter and feel it. When my girlfriend is ready to reach out it will be on GOd’s time. I will make my amends not for relationship fixing, but to be forgiven, and to get a lesson from GOD to never live this way again. I can’t control the outcome. God knows and whatever happens... I’m still sober and alive.
Until that amends. I walk with God and continue to do the next right thing.
I wish you luck man. Love you.
Jay
8/5/17
Just joined the site btw.
I’m 11 months sober. Let’s say I’m beyond lucky to have made it this far with the issues I had with control. My sponsor warned me “where is god in this” each time I called. I didn’t like to hear that, but the man was right all along. This experience below has set forth growth for me whether my relationship works out or not. It’s in god’s hands.
My gf and I have been battling. I always was insecure jealous etc. I could sometimes manage but some days I’d be hell. I’d push her away asking validation questions, why she hung with a male coworker. All my defects of chracter pushed her. She finally got so mad when I told her she disrespected me by hiding the fact she went to a male co worker house that I found thru opening a Snapchat on her phone (NONE OF MY BUSINESS). I thought to myself how is my gf gonna resent me and get angry... she said we need space.
I said fine we can have space.
My mind hit “Fear” aka **** everything and run. I convinced myself that she was the issue and that I don’t care if we break up. YIKES. I’m typing this and thinking RELAPSE WARNING. I sounded so stupid that day. Anyway....
I was isolated. My mom’s sponsor came over (she’s been around a long time. She listened and realized that my ego was never deflated and I need to write about this. She did a 4-9 step with me.
I finally did the footwork to this deadly resentment that I thought was all her fault. So I Had an eye opening 4-9 step about my current gf the last 72 hours. Things I never imagined came out from this. I was emotionally and mentally abusing my girlfriend. I never let her enjoy a life outside of mine. I never valued her opinions. I was GOD. I was so controlling. I have been running the show since I joined AA (absolutely crushed me). God was there but I wasn’t actively seeking. I acted out, I was mirrable around my lady. I always thought it wasn’t me, but my insecurities, my control, my jealousy defects flared out so bad. I tried to blame her many times and she has given me so many chances. In fact it was always my fault never hers. She talked to the guy coworker as a friend because I was too busy making her uncomfortable and stressing her out.
The 5th step hour changed my life. I didn’t just look at my girlfriend in my crazy situations. I applied Mom, Dad, sister, brother, friends. My mind was blown. I was doing this behavior my whole life. I never realized how rude and shut off from God I was.
My conception of God drastically changed. God showed up as my friend after this inventory. The god of my own understanding has been with me consciously loving me and talking to me. God finally has been felt in my heart.
Today I wrote an amends letter. Read it to my mom’s sponsor. She said continue to read it until it really settles in. I know that when God knows it... the right time for me to make this amends will be felt in my inner most deep part of my heart.
I can’t force this amends. I have to read that letter and feel it. When my girlfriend is ready to reach out it will be on GOd’s time. I will make my amends not for relationship fixing, but to be forgiven, and to get a lesson from GOD to never live this way again. I can’t control the outcome. God knows and whatever happens... I’m still sober and alive.
Until that amends. I walk with God and continue to do the next right thing.
I wish you luck man. Love you.
Jay
8/5/17
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Brit in New Zealand
Posts: 160
I am single right now. Split from my one and only serious relationship three years ago but had a few flings that always ended in complete disaster.
Now I am sober I've decided to avoid dating and even sex for at least a year. No more one night stands. For once I am going to be the classy lady who is hard to get because she has self-respect instead of being the drunken, promiscuous ladette. As much as I dislike the double standards between men and women who sleep around, women are still called slags or worse when men are called legends for it. Nobody should be judged for having sex, but society seems to disagree. I don't want that reputation anymore.
I am concentrating on me, myself and I. Getting sober after being a drunk for ten years is a very radical change and I need to feel comfortable in my own skin and love myself before I can focus on loving someone else.
Another addiction of mine was emotionally unavailable men and one night stands so I could have an ego boost and feel wanted and I don't want to fall into that trap again and risk a relapse. It is also unfair to use another person and toy with their emotions just to make yourself feel better. I've been on both sides of the coin for that and it is just not nice at all.
For now my recovery and self development comes first and foremost
Now I am sober I've decided to avoid dating and even sex for at least a year. No more one night stands. For once I am going to be the classy lady who is hard to get because she has self-respect instead of being the drunken, promiscuous ladette. As much as I dislike the double standards between men and women who sleep around, women are still called slags or worse when men are called legends for it. Nobody should be judged for having sex, but society seems to disagree. I don't want that reputation anymore.
I am concentrating on me, myself and I. Getting sober after being a drunk for ten years is a very radical change and I need to feel comfortable in my own skin and love myself before I can focus on loving someone else.
Another addiction of mine was emotionally unavailable men and one night stands so I could have an ego boost and feel wanted and I don't want to fall into that trap again and risk a relapse. It is also unfair to use another person and toy with their emotions just to make yourself feel better. I've been on both sides of the coin for that and it is just not nice at all.
For now my recovery and self development comes first and foremost
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