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Im posting this thread to keep me accountable

Old 07-16-2018, 12:11 PM
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,Gabe!
T is packing for a trip to London! But, I am here!
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Old 07-16-2018, 12:14 PM
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Hi Chloe!
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Old 08-04-2018, 02:49 AM
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Hi, T!
May I have this dance!!!
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Old 08-04-2018, 02:52 AM
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Stay connected to the people who lift you up!
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:10 AM
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Hi T. How is life treating you? Let us know how you are 😘
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:38 AM
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Hi again
So.. I went to London. Had a great sober week. Then I came home and fell of the wagon almost right away. Ive felt embarrassed and depressed and keep asking myself how I can do this to myself.. I was on a good run there for a while.
My drinking do not get better. It gets worse. I black out and seldom remember a full night.
My anxiety is bad. My dark thoughts and hopelessness is very much there and the only thing that seem to lift my mood is alcohol. That will be better in a few days. At least my anxiety. The dark thoughts depression symptoms are usually prevalent.
At the same time I had no desire to drink when I was in London. I had some sober time under my belt and felt good the whole trip. My friend and I had a blast. So much to see, so much to do so I think I can thrive in the right environment with the right people around.
I think that when Im home, I substitute alcohol for people and experiences alot. Kinda like what Johann Hari is talking about in his ted talk video.
I have friends and need to spend less time alone, but alcohol is so ingrained in most of my friends lifestyle and its not really a social thing the way I drink.
Whats the point if you can't remember half the night. Other than to get completely numb.
Ive woke up with pictures on my phone after a night out. Pics I don't remember taking. And when I look at myself in the photos. It look like the light is on but nobody is home. Its scary.
Im sorry for not doing what I set out to do, keeping pretty much daily updates. You guys are the only ones who can possibly understand what im talking about. Going public with my issues is not a possible. At the same time. I know a lot of people know I drink to much. I kinda feel like I have a reputation now like the one who always gets most intoxicated at parties even though I can hold my alcohol pretty "well" ( I don't throw up make a scene and can carry a conversation kinda) But after midnight I usually operate within a 2 min span of conciseness at the most. For a long time I knew I drank to much but thought I was kinda normal compared to my circle. Im pretty sure im worse. I sometimes drink at parties but most of the time I've made a habit of drinking alone since I don't want to embarrass myself and usually prefer listening to music or checking out youtube anyway while drunk. Im on day two again and I apologize to myself, but also too you guys for having to reading this after supporting me. I will post more in the coming days though. I felt so embarrassed so I reached out to Chloe to tell her about what was going on. I wasn't planning on writing anything today but thanks to Chloe, I found the courage to start writing again and I think writing is important for me if I want to stay sober. Im pretty sure something bad will happen if I don't stop drinking for good. Im currently on day 2 again.. If you read all the way through my messy post. thank you.
T
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:47 AM
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As I read this my ♡heart was swelling up with so much compassion and understanding that I almost forgot to breathe. Thanks for the share. Glad you posted! xxoo

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Old 08-04-2018, 04:00 AM
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Old 08-04-2018, 04:02 AM
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Don't ever give up trying Trelkovsky, you are not alone. Sending you bug hugs.
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Old 08-04-2018, 04:16 AM
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Thank you Shenzy. I won't. Coming back here has given me hope again.. Hope you are doing good
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Old 08-04-2018, 04:36 AM
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There is nothing to apologise for, honestly. I've been struggling for a year to stop and stay stopped. I am the same too, blackouts every time, anxiety. It's really hard be we are all here for each other and I am so, so pleased you are posting again 💓
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Old 08-04-2018, 04:49 AM
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So happy for your comment and progress Gabe. Yes, thankfully this place exist.. Im not sure if it would even be possible to quit without having friends to talk to. Im glad to be back.. Hope you are having a good day
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Old 08-04-2018, 02:13 PM
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Hi Trelkovsky. It took me a few times, but I finally got it right. I have over 10 yrs. sober now. I know you can get the job done. It's no longer fun, it sucks the life out of us, it brings us misery. I'm so glad we know that now.
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
Hi Trelkovsky. It took me a few times, but I finally got it right. I have over 10 yrs. sober now. I know you can get the job done. It's no longer fun, it sucks the life out of us, it brings us misery. I'm so glad we know that now.
10 years is quite the accomplishment Hevyn, Very inspiring. You are absolutely right by the way. Its really a miserable existence being in a slave relationship to this poison.

To update my day. I took a walk through the city tonight after catching a movie with a friend and his girl.
Walking home at 23.30 I saw a lot of drunks. heard a lot of screaming, laughing, people pushing each other, ready to start a fight, cars maniacally honking their horns without cause. What a utter mess and it only start to get bad around that time. I bet by now as im typing this its complete chaos in the city.
The crowds spread around town actually stroke me as quite antisocial in nature.

What a pain in the neck I must have been all these years for the sober or casual drinkers to be around..
I really felt a extra knot in my stomach walking home. more than usual. not afraid really. just hyperaware and on alert. I have had that "looking over my shoulder" feeling for near 20 years. Thats one of the reason I started drinking heavily. I love people I know but have little fondness for crowds of people I don't know if that makes any sense. Once I get to know them a little I usually relax more.
Anyway. Watching this spectacle tonight made me just want to get home and regain some peace.
The night spent with friends was good. My anxiety was acting up, but it would have been bad anyway at this point. Im sweating, got spasms, some stomach pain and the feeling of guilt all over me. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.
Im just happy I had a good night with friends instead of sitting at home in scrutiny, thinking about all the wrong I have done in my life, and how I've been wronged in the past. That do not solve anything.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. Im grateful for being back here, just taking it one day at a time. Day 3 tomorrow. guys
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Old 08-04-2018, 05:28 PM
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Welcome back Trelovsky
its not unusual to poss one test and then BAM drink again.

I know most folks tend to want to wing it, but I really recommend a recovery action plan

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

D
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Old 08-06-2018, 02:11 PM
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Hi people

Day three soon finished for me. I still have all this nervous energy in my body . especially in my legs. The day has gone alright. Had a decent walk this morning. Been eating good. Some fish and some lentils and bread. Feeling a little better today overall. slept a few hours already and pretty tired so hoping for a decent nights sleep.

One thing stresses me though. my ex called me out of the blue. She wants to meet up.
I have not seen her at all In almost a year.. She does this the day after her NOW ex boyfriend goes to prison.
She claims his departure, is her way out of the relationship. I really don't know what to think. I don't know if she is sober or using. I know nothing really.
When we was together. She was not using anything for the first 9 months as far as I know. then she started doing drugs again, Some months after that she suddenly wanted an open relationship. I ended the relationship then, because I wasn't interested in all the drama, and sharing the person I cared for. She is kind of my Achilles heel. I started drinking more again when our relationship ended.

I was so surprised when she called me, I said yes to a meeting. Didn't really think. I was out walking when she called . Now Im extra stressed out. My old feelings never really died. I know its a real stupid idea to meet her.. Still, its hard. Maybe one meeting won't hurt? Maybe thats like saying one beer won't hurt.. I don't know.
Anyway. Just wanted to share my day with you guys. If anyone have some similar stories or thoughts about the situation, feel free to share. I just felt I had to vent.

Hope everyone is doing good today.
T
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Old 08-07-2018, 02:11 PM
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Hope you are having a good day, T!
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Old 08-08-2018, 03:47 AM
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Thanks Chloe. Hope you are having a good day yourself
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Old 08-08-2018, 03:54 AM
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It is going to be a great day!
I am walking on sunshine...
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Old 08-08-2018, 03:57 AM
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I fell of last night after almost five days. Ive thrown every bottle I had left out.
Ive also deactivated my facebook after some late night posting before blacking out.
I didn't plan to drink last night. A friend stopped by with beer and before I knew it I had one in my hands..
I was still going through withdrawals but had 4 days and 20 hours. Would have been five today. would be easier if I could tell someone. probably have to do that at one point.
Anyway. I can't continue drinking and I can't stand my life. I have to do whats necessary to fix this.. im going back to school to get an education soon. in a weeks time. I need to sort myself out now..
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