Leaving an addict
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Leaving an addict
I knew this guy maybe two weeks before we started dating. Actually the night he asked me out he was drunk. We went maybe five months of dating before it really hit me that he had a problem with drinking. Not knowing him much before I just kept thinking it was someone who drank more than I did, not necessarily an alcoholic. I drank maybe 6 drinks a week whereas he liked a few beers an evening and then there was always a party we went to or a special event so I figured it was a normal to drink at so I didn't see a problem. I noticed he drank a bootlegger before work and I stormed out of the house and he begged to me and promised to not do it again because he didn't want to loose me, so I believed it and stayed with him. We worked together and I noticed more and more bottles being found and him acting out and I kept staying out of countless I'm sorries and begging to stay. We broke up once at 6 months of dating over a one night super heated argument. I came back after two weeks of being separated. The drinking to my knowledge lessened and he wouldn't drink as much so I thought maybe me leaving had really hit him. I was wrong but I stayed all the way to dating for a year and a month.I wasn't working this night but apparently He showed up to work completely messed up and actually left in the middle of work and came home. I was lied to about being messed up even though it was noticeable to me. He actually left my house this night and went back to his moms house. He got fired that evening over being messed up. The next day I found out that he had done cocaine quite a few times while dating me and also weed constantly and drinking had never lessened, it was just hidden from me. I gave him the ultimatum of getting help, that I would even pay for the rehab or that I would be gone. He promised once again to be 100 percent sober and that he loves me. I just don't believe him and So I had told him I was done with it all and I left and told him to leave me alone that I had been so hurt over him and his love is for alcohol and drugs. I guess it was just the sober moments we did have and the I love you's that kept me going so long. From others I know have put up for much longer with their partners and I guess I am just looking for some reassurance that I am making the right choice of moving on and not looking back. Because its so hard to not believe that one more time that he would change and just run back to his arms because thats the man I had looked at once of wanting a family and a life with. I guess its just hard for me to let go because I feel like I have given up on someone who I could of had a life with if they would just leave the alcohol and drugs. I just feel so at lost.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
You are totally doing the right thing, the best thing for you would be to run!!!! The cycle has already repeated itself.
Once he is sober, he should ideally wait a year before getting involved with someone anyways.
Find someone who treats you right and you are not arguing within the first few months, that is a huge red flag.
Once he is sober, he should ideally wait a year before getting involved with someone anyways.
Find someone who treats you right and you are not arguing within the first few months, that is a huge red flag.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 3
I think its just more of grasping of not having a life and family with this person. The thing of what could have been is still straining me and how someone would constantly do wrong and just not even worry about me. I guess its more of having to start all over again with someone completely new.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by jayboog08 
I think its just more of grasping of not having a life and family with this person. The thing of what could have been is still straining me and how someone would constantly do wrong and just not even worry about me. I guess its more of having to start all over again with someone completely new.
For me, with every relationship I have lost, I have learned something. I was able to grow and now I know what I want, and when I am ready, I will look for it. If it takes going through 50 men to get what I want, so be it. I am not here to settle for mediocre. I am sure I will learn something new with all 50 as well. (The number is most likely exaggerated, but using it as an example)
As time goes on you will heal, you will see what you didn't like and make sure not to go for those characteristics in someone, find the things you did like and attract those!
Time does heal all wounds, it will get easier. The more time that passes the less you will think about him and soon this will just be a distant memory.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
I cant speak for the drug use but I didn't fully commit to getting sober until I'd ruined my last 3 relationships over drinking. I drank because I enjoyed the feeling it gave me, used booze as a coping mechanism. I loved the euphoria and wasn't thinking of any consequences I may suffer because I'd just say "I'm sorry I was just drunk".
In my opinion, staying in the relationship may enable his drinking and things would likely get worse but add hard drugs to the mix and, in my experience, I've never heard of any happily ever after's. The point I'm trying to make is he's got to experience true loss and, losing you, well maybe that's what has to happen for him. Not just for his sake, but for yours too.
Best wishes.
In my opinion, staying in the relationship may enable his drinking and things would likely get worse but add hard drugs to the mix and, in my experience, I've never heard of any happily ever after's. The point I'm trying to make is he's got to experience true loss and, losing you, well maybe that's what has to happen for him. Not just for his sake, but for yours too.
Best wishes.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 58
I agree. He will just continue to drag you down. You did the right thing even though it hurts.. Im an addict and Ive dated addicts earlier when I was sober and I know that the lies never stop. I feel for you but I'm pretty sure you made the only wise choice in your situation.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Hi and welcome Jay 
I think you're doing the right thing....the relationship, as it is, doesn't seem to offer you much now, much less in the future.
There's a third party in the relationship.
D
I think you're doing the right thing....the relationship, as it is, doesn't seem to offer you much now, much less in the future.
There's a third party in the relationship.
D
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
What you are wishing for is a relationship with how you wish he would be, not how he is.
Most important in a relationship is to accept the person the way they are. That's part of respecting them.
One other thing to consider, you don't know him as a sober person. While you may have seen him sober, the affects of alcohol don't disappear immediately, who he is a day after using is not "sober".
Also, he doesn't drink for no good reason (probably) I don't know what his struggles are but generally addicts use alcohol to block out discomfort and feelings. Should he choose recovery, he will not only have to deal with quitting drugs but also with sorting out new ways to deal with life.
It's a tall order and not one you can really help him with.
Add to that the fact you are thinking of marriage and a family? Bringing children in to a home with an active addict is not a good idea at all. It's terrible for children.
Most important in a relationship is to accept the person the way they are. That's part of respecting them.
One other thing to consider, you don't know him as a sober person. While you may have seen him sober, the affects of alcohol don't disappear immediately, who he is a day after using is not "sober".
Also, he doesn't drink for no good reason (probably) I don't know what his struggles are but generally addicts use alcohol to block out discomfort and feelings. Should he choose recovery, he will not only have to deal with quitting drugs but also with sorting out new ways to deal with life.
It's a tall order and not one you can really help him with.
Add to that the fact you are thinking of marriage and a family? Bringing children in to a home with an active addict is not a good idea at all. It's terrible for children.
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