How to accept that I am capable of anything when drunk

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08-15-2018, 11:04 PM

# 21 (permalink)

bunchie

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Join Date: Jun 2015

Posts: 149

Quote:

Originally Posted by soberFitness

Hello All

I am afraid. Very afraid
I am sober and working the steps. But I am having a hard time accepting that I’m one drink away from any possibility

I’ve never been arrested
Lost a job
Killed anyone drinking and driving

I’ve always been a “high functioning” alcoholic
But I’m aware that I was just lucky

I feel like i have to spend the rest of my life carefully treading a line

And on the other side of this line is potential irreversible disaster
I don’t feel safe or secure
I don’t like that I’m one thin line away from irreversible destruction

Here are the things I’m trying to tell myself to cope:
1. All I can do is my best, one day at a time
2. If I do relapse, I most likely will just binge at home and avoid trouble like I did for 10 years...if I didn’t do crazy things in 10 years of drinking, a relapse would most likely be the same isolated self destruction and not the horrible consequences I fear
3. I trust myself to do what’s right, and accept the possibility I fear, turning it over to God (this is the hardest for me)

None of this makes me feel better
I don’t want to live in fear of ruining my life in one moment

Please help

If your here, you are an alcoholic, non alcoholic's do not visit recovery websites. As far as high functioning alcoholic, I learned there is no such thing, either you are not an alcoholic and function well when drinking or you are in denial , which was the case with me, I considered myself a functional alcoholic, but realized being an alcoholic does not mean you are homeless with no job or no future, keep drinking and it might, I asked myself when I thought I was a functional alcoholic, can I do better at my job, can I do better with my family, can I do better with the community, and friends?I realised my life was a mess although I have a good job and great family, I was so close to losing all that I have, it was not rock bottom that told me this. It was driving by an intersection in city and seeing the congregation of addicts, a place called methadone mile, so sad so young lives all lost to opiates, and alcohol. There was one guy so messed up physically I pulled over to give him some money, he was young , suffered a horrific injury , got hooked on drugs and is physically not capable of work or even the basic simple things in life we take for granted, and it struck me so hard that I was wasting my life on booze, I was capable of anything and I got caught in the selfish pursuit of getting drunk every weekend, I had no excuses and I looked at this poor soul who does not have anything , is physically handicapped beyond imagination, I can not believe some one from the state has not tried to get this person help, and I thought to myself I have to quit drinking and own up to my horrible past. Two weeks later I was still drinking and I had my first full blown blackout , and I am here today because of it. I too also thought I was a functional alcoholic, no such thing. I went by intersection today saw that same person , gave him some money , but also contacted the city and the state , and I am not going to stop until this person gets to a facility where he will be taken care of. I never would of done this a month ago , while I was a functional alcoholic.

08-17-2018, 02:17 PM

# 22 (permalink)

snitch

Member

Join Date: Nov 2017

Posts: 2,583

Fantastic responses here.

08-17-2018, 06:21 PM

# 23 (permalink)

Dee74

Administrator

Join Date: Apr 2007

Location: Australia

Posts: 211,369

Hows it going soberFitness?

D

08-17-2018, 06:39 PM

# 24 (permalink)

least

bona fido dog-lover

Join Date: Mar 2008

Location: SF Bay area, CA

Posts: 99,759

It took me some sober time, about a year, to truly feel the commitment to sobriety that takes drinking off the table. When I truly wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, then I knew I wouldn't drink. I have no fear of drinking anymore, just a healthy respect for all my blessings.