New dad. In recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 288
New dad. In recovery.
Hello everyone —
As I write this, my 34-day-old son is asleep next to me. Some soft piano music is playing in the background, and my wife is asleep upstairs (it’s my shift — at night we switch off watching him so we can both get some sleep). As a teacher, I’m blessed with this time off to be here during the first moments of my son’s life....
He already interrupted my writing with a few small cries. :-) I just soothed him back to sleep. I have a clear, albeit sleep-deprived mind. I can be here for him, and that feels good and right.
This last month has taken me on a journey that has brought joy and fear, conflict and peace. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as the experiences of a new parent are concerned. Our son spent a couple days in the NICU after he was born, but that was mainly as a precaution because he was a few weeks early and hadn’t let out a good cry when he arrived. He still had fluid in his lungs and they needed to monitor him. Other than that, he’s a healthy, curious, and much-loved little boy. A little on the small side, but he’s gaining weight nicely now. So why am I writing this?
I’ve always feared becoming a parent. I’ve always envisioned myself, however, as being the father I never had, the father who wouldn’t drink and make our home a booming minefield. There are many good things my father did when we were kids, but even the good things were muddled by fear of an outburst or of his losing his mind. We begged him to stop. He never did, never even tried, even after interventions and police involvement. Even after he inflicted mental and physical abuse on his wife and children. I don’t mean to make this a rant about my childhood, but I’m including it because it hangs over me still, even more so now as I have become a father myself.
As excited and overjoyed I am, I’m also terrified. I have many of my father’s same alcoholic tendencies. I fear not being able to control them. I fear my son seeing me drunk. I fear missing out on his life. I fear creating resentment. I fear the same genes passing onto him. So, I’m here. I’m 44 days sober. I’ve gone long periods of time without drinking. I know I can do it. I know I have to. It’s about much more than me now. The amount of anger and pain I suffered in my childhood made me always feel I could flip a switch and just be sober for my own kids when the time came. Of course, it’s not that easy
Well, step one, I’m sober. The much bigger step (steps?) is staying that way. That’s why I’m writing this. That’s why I’m here. I wish I could say I have a good support system around me, but it’s complicated. My dad has actually been great, bringing over stuff we need and tending to the yard work and other little things around the house. He hasn’t had a drink in front of us. He did, however, bring over beer for me (assuming I’d “need it.”). My brother encourages drinking. He drinks constantly and does so in front of his son. Every conversation with him somehow leads back to beer. Some friends assume that as a dad I’ll need to drink. This idea appears embedded in them as it is in society. So I need to hear from people who don’t see it that way. I know I have a problem. Powerlessness was never something hard for me to admit when it came to alcohol.
What I’d really like to hear is from parents and others who are in recovery. How do you do it? What advice might you have? If anyone has advice or any words of encouragement, parents or not, I’d love to hear it. I’m seeing a therapist soon. My wife is supportive, as are some other family members. I plan to read and post on here. That’s a start. Part of me needs a reminder that it can be done.
Many thanks.
R&H
As I write this, my 34-day-old son is asleep next to me. Some soft piano music is playing in the background, and my wife is asleep upstairs (it’s my shift — at night we switch off watching him so we can both get some sleep). As a teacher, I’m blessed with this time off to be here during the first moments of my son’s life....
He already interrupted my writing with a few small cries. :-) I just soothed him back to sleep. I have a clear, albeit sleep-deprived mind. I can be here for him, and that feels good and right.
This last month has taken me on a journey that has brought joy and fear, conflict and peace. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as the experiences of a new parent are concerned. Our son spent a couple days in the NICU after he was born, but that was mainly as a precaution because he was a few weeks early and hadn’t let out a good cry when he arrived. He still had fluid in his lungs and they needed to monitor him. Other than that, he’s a healthy, curious, and much-loved little boy. A little on the small side, but he’s gaining weight nicely now. So why am I writing this?
I’ve always feared becoming a parent. I’ve always envisioned myself, however, as being the father I never had, the father who wouldn’t drink and make our home a booming minefield. There are many good things my father did when we were kids, but even the good things were muddled by fear of an outburst or of his losing his mind. We begged him to stop. He never did, never even tried, even after interventions and police involvement. Even after he inflicted mental and physical abuse on his wife and children. I don’t mean to make this a rant about my childhood, but I’m including it because it hangs over me still, even more so now as I have become a father myself.
As excited and overjoyed I am, I’m also terrified. I have many of my father’s same alcoholic tendencies. I fear not being able to control them. I fear my son seeing me drunk. I fear missing out on his life. I fear creating resentment. I fear the same genes passing onto him. So, I’m here. I’m 44 days sober. I’ve gone long periods of time without drinking. I know I can do it. I know I have to. It’s about much more than me now. The amount of anger and pain I suffered in my childhood made me always feel I could flip a switch and just be sober for my own kids when the time came. Of course, it’s not that easy
Well, step one, I’m sober. The much bigger step (steps?) is staying that way. That’s why I’m writing this. That’s why I’m here. I wish I could say I have a good support system around me, but it’s complicated. My dad has actually been great, bringing over stuff we need and tending to the yard work and other little things around the house. He hasn’t had a drink in front of us. He did, however, bring over beer for me (assuming I’d “need it.”). My brother encourages drinking. He drinks constantly and does so in front of his son. Every conversation with him somehow leads back to beer. Some friends assume that as a dad I’ll need to drink. This idea appears embedded in them as it is in society. So I need to hear from people who don’t see it that way. I know I have a problem. Powerlessness was never something hard for me to admit when it came to alcohol.
What I’d really like to hear is from parents and others who are in recovery. How do you do it? What advice might you have? If anyone has advice or any words of encouragement, parents or not, I’d love to hear it. I’m seeing a therapist soon. My wife is supportive, as are some other family members. I plan to read and post on here. That’s a start. Part of me needs a reminder that it can be done.
Many thanks.
R&H
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
RandH, I am from the "other side" of the forum and usually hang out in the Family and Friends area. I'm not an A myself and so can't directly share experiences and advice with you. I just want to say that I wish you all the strength and clarity you'll need to be the father, husband and person you want to be.
Your post is beautiful, and I hope you are able to do and have all you dream of. You are such a wonderful example of someone who is using their past to propel himself forward, not an excuse to stay stuck.
Your post is beautiful, and I hope you are able to do and have all you dream of. You are such a wonderful example of someone who is using their past to propel himself forward, not an excuse to stay stuck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 288
Originally Posted by honeypig 
RandH, I am from the "other side" of the forum and usually hang out in the Family and Friends area. I'm not an A myself and so can't directly share experiences and advice with you. I just want to say that I wish you all the strength and clarity you'll need to be the father, husband and person you want to be.
Your post is beautiful, and I hope you are able to do and have all you dream of. You are such a wonderful example of someone who is using their past to propel himself forward, not an excuse to stay stuck.
Your post is beautiful, and I hope you are able to do and have all you dream of. You are such a wonderful example of someone who is using their past to propel himself forward, not an excuse to stay stuck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
I had noble intentions to “cut back” when my child was born. It wasn’t until 4 years later that I realized only complete abstinence works for me. At that point I also decided I wanted to quit for myself as well (not just for my family). Being a parent is significantly easier/better/rewarding as a sober person. It’s amazing how it makes life much simpler. I also enjoy the simple things in life again much like my kid. Trying to hide drinking from kid, trying to sleep in, or watching a child while hung over? Super exhausting. Stay the path my friend. I wasn’t ready to jump out and tell everyone I quit right away. However the immediate threats to my sobriety (people coming over and offering me drinks) were the people I had to tell right away that I no longer drink. Best of wishes.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Congratulations Rattle and Hum . I'm not a parent but I've net some fine parents here.
There's no reason to fear you won't meet the high standards that a parent in recovery reaches
The fundamental step is to choose recovery. Always...
Give your son a dad to follow and admire, even inspire
D
There's no reason to fear you won't meet the high standards that a parent in recovery reaches
The fundamental step is to choose recovery. Always...
Give your son a dad to follow and admire, even inspire
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
R&H - beautiful post. I read it as I lay here at 630am with my 6 week old daughter sleeping in my arms. I'm going to take a halfday at work today to go see my 11 year old son's show at his summer camp. I'm 90 days sober, and finally sober for good.
Though I wish deeply that I had put the booze down for good years ago, I'm grateful and proud to have finally gotten here, to sobriety. You can search my years of posting here to see how a father tried, failed, over and over, and finally got sober.
As it's clear you know, kids don't get us sober. I've been, seen and know too many drunk parents. But we can use the love and obligation we have for them as leverage to get sober.
Thank you for the post. And welcome to SR. A sober life, truly better in every way, is yours fit the taking. You just have to want it enough and be willing to put in the work.
Though I wish deeply that I had put the booze down for good years ago, I'm grateful and proud to have finally gotten here, to sobriety. You can search my years of posting here to see how a father tried, failed, over and over, and finally got sober.
As it's clear you know, kids don't get us sober. I've been, seen and know too many drunk parents. But we can use the love and obligation we have for them as leverage to get sober.
Thank you for the post. And welcome to SR. A sober life, truly better in every way, is yours fit the taking. You just have to want it enough and be willing to put in the work.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 547
Just wanted to say what a heartfelt post RattleAndHum. I gave up drinking for good when my Grandaughter was born, holding her in my arms and looking down at her sweet innocent little face, it really hit home how bad a problem my drinking had become. I also had a similar childhood with an abusive father and only recently found the courage to stop all contact with him, again because of her. You can change the future for your son, it does not have to be the same for him. IMO, therapy is a good idea and I wish you luck in your journey as a parent. Also check out the section on SR on adult children of addictive parents, it really helped me.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,705
Congrats on the new baby! Drinking is not a part of parenting. A parent is always there for the child. It is a very special bond that is created. Alcohol is the poison that ruins lives and destroys relationships. I hope you just come to terms with the fact that alcoholism will always win over having a decent life and positive relationships. Choose not to pick up that first drink. Your family needs you clean and sober for the long haul. Do whatever it takes to protect your sobriety as you would protect your baby. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Mother of 7 year old twins here. Parenthood will test you, every part of your personality and character. It forces growth...or not. Yo can either face it or hide from it. Horribly unfair things will happen - fights with your wife where she’s completely wrong and hurtful. Times when the child doesn’t cooperate at all. You’ll know fear that you’ve never known before - the baby will have a fever, or the toddler will fall down the stairs, or the young child will jump in a pool. These feelings will be overwhelming, because your love for your child is so great.
Parenthood will push every button, and for me, sometimes it seemed that the only recourse was to drink to blow some off some steam. I was running. I wish I hadn’t. I missed so, so much of the joy.
Try to hold on to the feeling that you have now. Take pictures, lots of pictures. Delight in every new thing.
That’s all I got. Congratulations!!
Parenthood will push every button, and for me, sometimes it seemed that the only recourse was to drink to blow some off some steam. I was running. I wish I hadn’t. I missed so, so much of the joy.
Try to hold on to the feeling that you have now. Take pictures, lots of pictures. Delight in every new thing.
That’s all I got. Congratulations!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
What a beautiful post.
My father died at age 41. My parents were divorced and it was mostly because of alcohol, in my opinion. No one ever talked about the elephant in the room.
Maybe print this out or copy-paste it to your phone so you can re-read it often.
Life is infinitely better without alcohol.
Congratulations on your precious son.
My father died at age 41. My parents were divorced and it was mostly because of alcohol, in my opinion. No one ever talked about the elephant in the room.
Maybe print this out or copy-paste it to your phone so you can re-read it often.
Life is infinitely better without alcohol.
Congratulations on your precious son.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
I had the same kind of father you had growing up. When he died I was 29, I actually felt relief at his death because he went through years of getting sober, falling off the wagon, getting sober, falling back to drinking. He was a very kind man when sober and a SOB when drunk. I know what it was like not having the kind of father I wanted.
Certainly your fears are understandable but you have it within your power to become the father you want to be. The therapy can help you heal some of your anxiety (PTSD?) about your past, and hopefully you'll follow through with it to grow and heal, and allow yourself to become awesome. It sounds like you have the heart and soul of a great father in the making.
Certainly your fears are understandable but you have it within your power to become the father you want to be. The therapy can help you heal some of your anxiety (PTSD?) about your past, and hopefully you'll follow through with it to grow and heal, and allow yourself to become awesome. It sounds like you have the heart and soul of a great father in the making.
I am McLovin'
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Clara, CA
Posts: 144
It took me till me son's first birthday for me to really get sober. That first year of my son's life was dark, fuzzy, and full of regret. My son is now turning 6 (and daughter is turning 2), and the last 4.5 years have been nothing short of a 180 degree turn and miracle. All I can say is put your recovery first, you need to be well to be a good parent. Second, give your child as much love and attention as you can (they can never have enough), and you'll be fine.
From where I sit now, I can't imagine not being present for my children, even for a moment. Becoming sober has given me the gift of presence in their lives, provided rapid fire epiphanies as I walk them through their early years, and enduring patience because they can be crazy little monsters sometimes ;-)
Good for you for getting sober now so early in your son's life, keep it up and enjoy the ride :-)
From where I sit now, I can't imagine not being present for my children, even for a moment. Becoming sober has given me the gift of presence in their lives, provided rapid fire epiphanies as I walk them through their early years, and enduring patience because they can be crazy little monsters sometimes ;-)
Good for you for getting sober now so early in your son's life, keep it up and enjoy the ride :-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Great post and congrats! I didn't start drinking until my daughter was about 6 and as we all know it progressed. She's now 22 and I'm about 19mo sober,so we're getting to know each other again. Don't do what I did. I missed out on a lot of 'life'. I made great money and provided monetarily,but I was a selfcentered A-hole who thought money and 'toys' covered up for my lifestyle. It didn't. Congrats again! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 288
Originally Posted by tesquizito
It took me till me son's first birthday for me to really get sober. That first year of my son's life was dark, fuzzy, and full of regret. My son is now turning 6 (and daughter is turning 2), and the last 4.5 years have been nothing short of a 180 degree turn and miracle. All I can say is put your recovery first, you need to be well to be a good parent. Second, give your child as much love and attention as you can (they can never have enough), and you'll be fine.
From where I sit now, I can't imagine not being present for my children, even for a moment. Becoming sober has given me the gift of presence in their lives, provided rapid fire epiphanies as I walk them through their early years, and enduring patience because they can be crazy little monsters sometimes ;-)
Good for you for getting sober now so early in your son's life, keep it up and enjoy the ride :-)
From where I sit now, I can't imagine not being present for my children, even for a moment. Becoming sober has given me the gift of presence in their lives, provided rapid fire epiphanies as I walk them through their early years, and enduring patience because they can be crazy little monsters sometimes ;-)
Good for you for getting sober now so early in your son's life, keep it up and enjoy the ride :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 288
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Great post and congrats! I didn't start drinking until my daughter was about 6 and as we all know it progressed. She's now 22 and I'm about 19mo sober,so we're getting to know each other again. Don't do what I did. I missed out on a lot of 'life'. I made great money and provided monetarily,but I was a selfcentered A-hole who thought money and 'toys' covered up for my lifestyle. It didn't. Congrats again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 288
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Maybe print this out or copy-paste it to your phone so you can re-read it often.
Life is infinitely better without alcohol.
Congratulations on your precious son.
Life is infinitely better without alcohol.
Congratulations on your precious son.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Congratulations on the birth of your son, and I'm so glad you are taking time to bond with him. That will pay off in many ways, for both of you.
I'm glad to know you are sober and plan to continue your sobriety.
I'm glad to know you are sober and plan to continue your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
A son, a blessing.
I drank through my son's childhoods- they are 27 and 30 now. Because of my drinking- I am pretty much cut out of their lives. If you get your recovery right- and do not booze - your son will be the better for it, and your life will be so much richer.
Support to you.
I drank through my son's childhoods- they are 27 and 30 now. Because of my drinking- I am pretty much cut out of their lives. If you get your recovery right- and do not booze - your son will be the better for it, and your life will be so much richer.
Support to you.
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