Ticktockclock

My husband is an alcoholic and is not drinking any longer. He also does not smoke weed or do any other drugs.

We are planning a holiday to Europe next year and are planning on visiting Amsterdam. He has expressed to me that he would like to smoke some weed in Amsterdam.

I am really scared by this as I know how quickly things spiral for him. He says he doesn't have an issue with weed, he can stop it whenever he likes - which he did, but I am fearful that he may have a substance abuse problem, whereas he views it as an alcohol issue.

My worry is that he smokes some weed and it becomes about the chase again. When we were in Venice Beach, CA, all he wanted to do was smoke weed because it was available. He became this feen for weed, like he feens for alcohol when he drinks. But as he said, once we were out of Venice Beach, it was no longer an issue, however he was drinking back then so perhaps the alcohol took it's place? I am not sure how addiction works...

Has anyone had a similar experience and can give me some advice? I'm prepared to put my foot down about this if need be but I don't want to do it if there is no reason to worry..

Dee74

I think you have several reasons to worry and I'd have no hesitation in putting my foot down.

I'm sure many people can take and leave weed but I was addicted to both weed and booze. Both did the same things for me - got me high helped me escape - and both addictions progressed & turned on me badly.

If your husband really can take it or leave it, he can consider how much it worries you and leave it.

D

FreeOwl

I’m not sure putting your foot down would be an approach he’s open to.... but maybe focusing on how much you’ve valued him and his life without alcohol or drugs and asking him to really search his reasons.

I can tell you of my experience: I’ve been sober nearly 5 years. A couple years back we got marooned in Amsterdam for two days. While there I did go to a coffee shop and my wife and I had an edible. She’s not really a fan of marijuana so that’s all she did. I’d also bought a small amount of marijuana and smoked some the next day. But, with her not participating and me feeling actually kind of silly smoking pot, I tossed the rest and moved on.

It was a risky move.

I’m glad for how it turned out.

Previously, I’d had a failed attempt to get sober because I was still smoking pot and it led me back to alcohol by opening the door and taking me out of my sobriety enough to let alcohol back in.

Your husband might be able to just situationally use a little because of Amsterdam - or he might not.

If you share with him what his sober, drug free self means to you and sincerely suggest ‘I’ll support whatever you feel you need to do but I do want to make it clear that THIS is the man I admire, enjoy, cherish and want to be with... my experience of the man you have been with alcohol and drugs hasn’t left me feeling that way and I reallly hope you’ll consider that.’ Then maybe his sober self will take inventory of what’s going on for him.

What happens when the federal government legalizes pot in the US? Will he be using every day again?

To me, it’s a risky thing to play with for Those of us who struggle with addiction.

Is the risk of going back to that place REALLY worth the reward of being high for a couple days?

Sometimes, framed as questions the addict gets to answer for himself versus feeling controlled - he will come to the conclusion he doesn’t want to risk it. Faced with demands or fears or any suggestion of being ‘controlled’ he will often dig in and become even more resolved.

These may or may not be valid suggestions or experiences for your situation - but it’s what I can offer based in my own experience.

Ticktockclock

Great responses, thanks so much. I think you're right Freeowl. I think it is the addiction talking and not the rational side of him when he thinks about having weed in Amsterdam. He gets this look in his eye and it scares me... I hope it is long enough away that it gives him time to think about why he wants to get high and decide that the risk of relapse isn't worth it. I would be happy to skip Amsterdam if it was too much of a temptation. I think I will talk to him when he is in a better headspace with his addiction. He has been struggling with it over the last few days so once he is clearer minded I will approach him with your advice in mind. Thank you.

BarbieKen

I've heard others share that THIS substance ____________ wasn't their problem it was __________. You fill in the blank. We all have our DOC ----drug of choice.

To continue ...... 'Using' some of the non-problem substance then turns into the call to your dealer, or your favorite barstool, you get the idea.
Something to consider. I personally think you know your hubby best, and the plans for relapse are right in front of him.

We cannot change anybody but ourselves.

Yixi

Sorry TTC, but alarm bells ring here for me too. IMO it's too easy for the AV to persuade your hubby that if he can give the weed up then it won't be too hard to give the booze up again, should he choose to drink again and Free makes a very good point too - what will happen when the smokes are totally legal? It may not have been as issue in Venice Beach, but as you point out, he had the drink to replace it then. Is he open to a full discussion of this with you so that you may talk about the possible consequences? It seems too tempting for 2 days "fun"? Wishing you luck. Yix x

totfit

The mechanisms for which alcohol and cannabis work for 'addiction' are very different. Though not a popular subject in recovery the fact is that some folks can and do use cannabis without issue that have severe alcohol issues. In fact some people find that it helps them with many of the issues they had that contributed to drinking. I am most certainly not promoting this, but it is not always a "slippery slope". I would voice my concerns and ask that he consider any ramifications. Otherwise, unless it immediately affects you or him negatively, he has to find out for himself.

DontRemember

I had an issue with booze,but never weed. I don't smoke often anymore..Can't even remember the last time really and I live in a legal state. Anyways..If he was feening in Venice I would be worried,but it's his choice..ya know?

August252015

IMO....it doesn't matter whether you're in Atlanta or Amsterdam. Smoking up is the same, and it's poking the bear - one you already know about.

I hope he doesn't use - IMO, smoking pot means you are not sober, whether it's a legal drug in your state or not - and I hope you decide what your boundaries are if he does.

Dee74

Not in my experience and I did extensive 'self funded research' on both over many years.

Your experience may be different.

D

Trelkovsky

im a problemdrinker but i have no trouble smoking a little bit of weed now and then. For the last few years i haven chosen not to smoke but in my case, those to substances are very different and it all depends on how your husband is wired really. In my case i could keep a little bit of weed for months without really thinking about it. i mostly used it for pain reasons or insomnia when i smoked. Not to get high. Im not a social smoker and i smoke very little when i do, but im not condoning it. everyone reacts differently. Ive found that cbd oil gave me help especially with my insomnia without getting me high so for me that was a better choice. I guess it all depends on your husband. If he was able to kick it without problems, it sounds like he got that part under control. but the best would of f course be not to use. Reading your post again. having a general substance use problem might be the case so i understand your worries. Just sharing my experience. When i drink i cant stop but with weed its a different story. The problem i had with weed was that it was illegal and i never knew what i got. That gave me heightened anxiety. I also didnt like too high thc strains. Hm..A place were the variety is huge and its basically legal could possibly have changed my using pattern. I really dont know..

MindfulMan

Ah, Venice. I lived there for 15 years. What a circus that was!

I don't think there's any single response for how dangerous it is for an alcoholic to smoke weed. I loathe weed, so for me it's easy. Weed is completely dysphoric and makes me want to die. The only way I would ever use it was to eat a TINY amount of edible to help me stay in deep sleep. Once I stopped drinking and got off the sleep meds merry-go-round, it's not even an issue.

I know some people that have been sober for years and smoke weed occasionally. Super serious 12 Steppers. It happens.

The guy who ran my outpatient rehab is a well-known addiction academic. His poison was opiates. Serious opiates. Scrips, heroin, you name it...OD'd and was brought back from the dead three times. The question came up during one of his lecture days about using something that was NOT your DOC once you have some time away from your DOC. His answer was interesting. Alcohol was never his thing, he didn't really like it, and he'd been sober for a number of years. He felt that he could probably drink alcohol safely. However, 'could' and 'should' were different things. Partially because he'd probably lose a lot of professional street cred if he started drinking, but primarily....it just wasn't worth the risk.

There are also the people I've met in recovery who have had multiple relapses, ALL of which started with weed.

No way to know for sure.

I love raves and music festivals, and I love psychedelic drugs. They aren't physically addictive. I'm nearly certain I could dabble in such drugs for the 2-4 times a year I'm at an EDM show or big festival and I could keep it at that. I wouldn't want to do a candy flip at home on some random Tuesday night, those drugs just aren't like that. The odds are high that I could roll on some E and nibble on some mushroom caps at a rave, be done with it and go back to a normal sober life.

I do worry about a few things enough not to do so. As far as Molly/ecstasy goes, it can really cause depression in the comedown, and as a bipolar sufferer, that just isn't worth the risk right there. Indolic psychedelics like mushrooms and LSD don't have that risk, and in fact are being increasingly used as tools to get and keep people sober from physically addictive drugs. Still, two worries. First is that the experience will get very intense and I'll want a drink to help "take the edge off." Also, it's just being in that partying space again, I'm worried that since I've gotten a buzz, it will open the door again.

I am attending an EDM festival the first Sunday in August and thought about rolling. For the above reasons, I rapidly decided against it. It's definitely too soon, and I have a feeling that "never" is a better idea. It's certainly a safer one.

I think I'd ask my husband if he DIDN'T smoke in Amsterdam would he feel like he was really missing out on something. I think there's a discussion there. Why the interest in Amsterdam? Is that part of the reason? If it is....RED FLAG to my ears.

Not a cut and dry issue, but for me, I'd play it safe and not smoke, particularly if weed had EVER been a problem drug.

Soberween

Most people here would agree that drinking wasn't the problem. Drinking was the solution. The problem is what made living in the moment so uncomfortable that one would choose to escape those feelings by ingesting alcohol in mass quantity so they didn't have to feel anything. Weed is just a substitution to alcohol. For me, it was anxiety. I'm introverted and something as simple as making a phone call would give me pause so I would have a couple of glasses of wine and then make the call. Your husband sounds like he is still very sick and needs to do some self introspection to understand he needs to be in an altered state to live.

AnvilheadII

pretty complicated expensive way to smoke pot.......

i agree with the post above that asked is the trip about seeing the city and sights of Amsterdam.......or just smoking pot. personally it would seem silly to me to go all that way just to do something you could do in your home, whether it's technically legal or not. and seems silly to make pot smoking a part of a European vacation. to be thinking about it and planning it that far in advance signals PROBLEM to me........

thomas11

I wouldn't take a recovering gambling addict to Vegas on vacation. Just a thought.

MindfulMan

Amsterdam is also famous for its red light district...but I wouldn’t feel the need to get a hooker to “fully experience” the city.

Ticktockclock

Thank you everyone. We discussed this issue last night. I asked him why he wanted to visit Amsterdam (this was on his 'must' country list) and he said he had always wanted to smoke weed in Amsterdam. He said nobody wants to visit Amsterdam for any other reason. I explained that actually I just wanted to see the city, and that smoking weed wasn't something I wanted to do. He ended up saying that if it makes me really worried then he won't do it. I am thankful for this outcome. I appreciate all of the responses.

Ticktockclock

So true. I wish I had thought of this in our discussion last night

MindfulMan

I thought you'd appreciate that.

Let's see.

Amsterdam. The Anne Frank House. The Van Gogh Museum. Walking on the canals. The Rijksmuseum. That's just from my brain without googling!

hellorockview1

So will he now be a martyr the whole trip and act like you are a parent telling him what to do? I've been in Vegas and had no problem not drinking (hello gambling!) but I have had to turn down Amstersam trips with friends because if I went there and didn't smoke I would be resentful the entire time.