PaulUK

Thats how I thought. Sure I like a beer, but I drink no more than my work mates. So since we all drink the same it's just normal.

Yeah....

So it's Tuesday evening. Ive been fired from. My last job for an alleged theft of a bottle of wine. Incidently I didn't steal anything, but I was heavily intoxicated.
I can blame the job I could do with my eyes closed and do it better than the new starters who earnt more than me despite me doing the job for a decade. I could blame my childhood where both parents and all four grandparents died in six years before I was 13.
I could blame so much. I only started drinking to fit in with my work mates. I was young, shy with no world experience so to fit in, lets drink with them.

Time goes by and I continue to do so, but now I can drink more.
I drink 10 units a day, every day...

Fast forward, today. I am on 25 units, I've not eaten and I feel slightly drunk. My anxiety over phone calls hasn't gone away and I honestly could die right now and not give a flying toss.
Here's the thing, I'm broke. Since I lost my job I have been living on a stupid budget...
Yet I still but alcohol. Food isn't important to me, just alcohol. I can live on a loaf of bread a week.
I can't pay my bills, my rent,my debts.
And yes about a quarter of the debt is alcohol based.
Yet I still want to go buy more alcohol. To black out and forget my pathetic existence.
Money I don't have.

Here's the real thing, I don't feel anywhere near rock bottom.
I am an extremely negative person, so everything that can go.wrong I expect it to.

So right now I am in a flat with electric and heat. I AM going to be homeless. If not very soon, it will happen unless I stop drinking. But I just don't seem to care.

I honestly feel if I end up homeless I will fully feel I deserve it and the alcoholism won't stop.

I DID go to my doctor who recommended AA.
Thing is, I am not religious and I am hard headed. Stopping for a higher power or someone else means nothing to me, because I AM alone.

I'm scared. Not scared of being homeless, I'm scared I will never reach rock bottom and thus never be able to climb up.

If I seek psychiatric help now, I know I'll never get another job because nobody hires an alcoholic head ****. Or if they do they don't pay amounts that pay the rent.

I don't expect an answer, I just need this off my chest

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Paul and thanks for sharing your story. A lot of us have similiar ones, and I completely understand the anxiety, being scared and the hopelessness of where you are at right now. Many of us were alone too, but we found help in communities like SR or others closer to our home as well.

You don't need to reach a "rock bottom" to quit, you can quit whenever you want to. And I totally get the fear of recovery groups, pscyhiactric help, etc. Think of the ridiculousness your following statement as an example

If I seek psychiatric help now, I know I'll never get another job because nobody hires an alcoholic head ****


You just got fired from a job because of your drinking, so you think seeking help will prevent you from getting another job? That's very much your addiction telling you a big fat lie. Medical and psychiatric help is completely confidential, and quite frankly you probably won't get a job as an active drunk either, right?

So have heart that if you are committed to change, you can. Doesn't matter what happened in your past - you have the ability to change today already inside you. Coming here and asking for help was already a step in that direction that you may have not even noticed. Hope you can stick around and join us for some conversations, you'll find a wealth of information and support here.

JimiC

One of the many things I’ve learned here is that bottom is when you stop digging. Please follow your doctor’s advice, you absolutely can get sober and turn your life around.

MindfulMan

You know you want to stop. Consequences are dire if you do not.

Yet you're convincing yourself that you'll never get another job if you go to a psychiatrist.

Nobody does this alone. You need help. Get it. Stop.

I think those of us that have been there recognize the confused thinking you are exhibiting. Pure addictive voice in the Rational Recovery model. Help puts a floor through the drinking/drugging and gets you to a place where you can move rationally through the world and solve your problems.

Make the choice that you will stop. Then figure out how. Tons of advice on this site alone.

That first step is very difficult, but also very simple. Admit that you have a problem. 12 Step #1. You've done that. Second is admit that this problem is not going away until you stop drinking. For good. Third is to identify as a non-drinker.

I did everything. Psychiatrist. Inpatient detox. Inpatient rehab. 12 Step. Outpatient rehab. Individual psychotherapy. Investigating more mindfulness techniques, because when your life stops revolving around your addiction you are free to make your life what you want. That also takes work.

It's very rewarding work.

So first, figure out how to stop, then stay stopped. None of your other problems will get better until you do this. So try AA if that's what's in front of you.

Trelkovsky

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone and welcome. Im new here after lurking for a while and im very happy i finally started posting. Hope you will feel the same.

awuh1

Paul you may have the wrong idea about AA. It's a spiritual program not a religious one. It took me a long time to understand what that meant.

Lots of folks in those meetings who felt exactly like you do now before their first meeting. Go see for yourself. Whats the worst thing that could happen if you go?

Obladi

There are times that I honestly thought if I died I would deserve it and even welcome it. That was the booze hosting me to my most depressive episodes ever. Neither you nor I deserve to be homeless or in any other way at rock bottom - we deserve a minimum of a life free of the bondage of alcohol.

I'm glad you came here to post - there are lots of awesome people here who will help if you let them.

O

Anna

We do deserve to take care of ourselves.

Dee74

Hi Paul - I hope you stick around and post. I had a very negative attitude too when I found SR and no hope, but this community helped me turn my life around.

It was amazing to me to find that people cared what happened to me.

Alcohol messed me up in ways I wasn't even aware of. I'd become this dark negative person. That actually lifted a few months after I stopped drinking.

I don't know you, of course, but at least consider that alcohol is contributing to your state of mind right now.

You don't need to crash and burn before you stop drinking or seek help

D

BDTL

My higher power happens to be God however in AA your higher power can be any source of spiritual strength that helps you heal. Heck if you choose a door knob, so be it. Don't let the religious part stop you from getting help from an organization that has helped so many to return to normal lives. You need community support and coming here is huge so now try AA out and work the steps using the higher power that you can grasp on to.

48heath

Welcome to SR Paul,I take it you are in the UK from your username.

I suggest you call the AA helpline and have a chat,it is manned by Alcoholics in recovery.The programme is not religious,it is spiritual.I am in the UK and there are very few people in the meetings I attend that are religious and I attend a lot of meetings over a wide area in the Midlands.

Wishing you well.

least

Welcome! It doesn't matter what you call it, if alcohol is causing problems it's best to stop drinking. And where's the shame in seeking help? We all need help from time to time. This is your time, that's all.

I hope our support and any other support you get can help you get sober for good. It takes some changes and effort, but is so worth it.

AtomicBlue

Paul, I feel for you. I hope you can convince yourself that you don't want to go from pathetic existence (as you call it) to NO existence. I didn't want to seek professional help either until one day I said f*** it I want to LIVE! You went to a doctor already anyway? AA's not going to hurt you like booze does. You'll be stopping for yourself. Your existence will improve. Choose life!!!

rayna87

“Rock bottom” is different for everyone. I didn’t hit rock bottom when i got a DUI. Didn’t even hit rock bottom when i was thisclose to a second one barely 2 years later. The real rock bottom came almost entirely out of nowhere. I know too well the feeling of not caring. For about 2 weeks, starting this past Memorial Day weekend, all I cared about was drinking. I barely ate, barely slept, when crap at work was going wrong because of things I should’ve known at an elementary level of what I do, I sat in front of my boss telling myself over and over in my head that it was okay because I had wine in the car. Even though I still had/have a job, I paid important things like my allergy medication on a credit card and paid cash for my wine, with the nonchalant attitude of whatever, what’s debt matter, I’ll figure it out later. My point in telling you a bit of my ridiculousness is that until I came on here, I thought I was the only one who did these things and thought those ways, but I’m not and neither are you.

PS - no employer can legally ask about or hold against you your medical/psychiatric records.