When our loved ones do what we did
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
When our loved ones do what we did
It’s hard to see another loved one, heading down the same path we did, unable to help.
I’m there now. It’s creating chaos and pain in the family. The person is lashing out at me and blaming me. Others are getting wrapped up in the manipulation, blaming me also. Enabling the person while believing they are helping.
It’s hard to watch and hard to know I also did this, to know the pain I caused and experience it first hand watching someone else.
Having them work to try and blame, see feelings of guilt and shame arise for me... having to let go and to distance myself and simply say ‘when you’re ready to get help I’ll be there for you, until then I won’t get involved.
Anyone had the experience of trying to be there for a loved one in alcoholism while they’re blaming you for their problem, resenting you, unwilling to get help or listen.
Just venting. I think all I can do is honor my boundaries and communicate that I’m here to help if recovery becomes an option.
I’m there now. It’s creating chaos and pain in the family. The person is lashing out at me and blaming me. Others are getting wrapped up in the manipulation, blaming me also. Enabling the person while believing they are helping.
It’s hard to watch and hard to know I also did this, to know the pain I caused and experience it first hand watching someone else.
Having them work to try and blame, see feelings of guilt and shame arise for me... having to let go and to distance myself and simply say ‘when you’re ready to get help I’ll be there for you, until then I won’t get involved.
Anyone had the experience of trying to be there for a loved one in alcoholism while they’re blaming you for their problem, resenting you, unwilling to get help or listen.
Just venting. I think all I can do is honor my boundaries and communicate that I’m here to help if recovery becomes an option.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,446
I think the alcoholics defense depends on the person and the relationship. In the case of my wife, ive been told: I'm being controlling, im being a hypocrite, I'm not happy and planning on leaving, shes working on cutting back and don't bother her "every day".
Putting the blame for drinking on another person is kind of the same thing. It deflects any feelings of guilt and protects the drinking.
Boundaries are good. Much less chance of getting sucked into and argument and drama that way.
Putting the blame for drinking on another person is kind of the same thing. It deflects any feelings of guilt and protects the drinking.
Boundaries are good. Much less chance of getting sucked into and argument and drama that way.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm sorry you're going through this FreeOwl.
I dunno about you but I stubbornly refused all help and insisted I was fine right up until the moment I decided to stop.
I dunno how other people stay by and watch that.
I can recommend you at least take a read through the friends and family forums, maybe even post there - the insight from 'the other side' is quite helpful.
D
I dunno about you but I stubbornly refused all help and insisted I was fine right up until the moment I decided to stop.
I dunno how other people stay by and watch that.
I can recommend you at least take a read through the friends and family forums, maybe even post there - the insight from 'the other side' is quite helpful.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks, Dee....
Will do. I’ve been somewhat blissfully off to the side with this but it’s recently gotten really intense and I’ve been sucked into the vortex a little. Members of my family who don’t ‘get’ addiction are trying (well meaning) to ‘help’ but they’re winding up getting manipulated and then coming at me, blaming me along with the alcoholic.
I can see pretty plainly whAts happening because I’ve lived and witnessed and learned a lot about addiction in the last four years - but I’m unable to effectively communicate any of it to those who are caught up in the madness.
I really think all I can do is put distance between myself and them.... which hurts, but it won’t serve them to allow myself to get caught in the swirl with them.
Will do. I’ve been somewhat blissfully off to the side with this but it’s recently gotten really intense and I’ve been sucked into the vortex a little. Members of my family who don’t ‘get’ addiction are trying (well meaning) to ‘help’ but they’re winding up getting manipulated and then coming at me, blaming me along with the alcoholic.
I can see pretty plainly whAts happening because I’ve lived and witnessed and learned a lot about addiction in the last four years - but I’m unable to effectively communicate any of it to those who are caught up in the madness.
I really think all I can do is put distance between myself and them.... which hurts, but it won’t serve them to allow myself to get caught in the swirl with them.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
That's rough Freeowl. I guess that's why they call it the family disease. I have an odea your solution may be similar to mine. By going through the steps and doing my best to square the past, there was no reason for me to feel guilt or shame. I have done what I can.
I try to remember a passage in the big book about resentment and how we might deal with it. It seems apropo here. It goes something like though we don't like their symptoms and the way they disturb us, we realised that they were perhaps spiritually sick too. We try to show them the same love and tolerance we would for a sick friend. We ask God to keep us from getting angry.
I have had a similar experience. It has been going on for my entire sobriety. Both my mother and sister are alcholic. In my first few years of recovery I helped get them to treatment, put them in contact with people who could help, all to no avail. They still drink today and have done many things over the years to try and trip me up. I don't know whether they hate me or the fact that I have recovered. They don't seem to want to. I cut all ties about 10 years ago.
I got help for myself, cleared up my past, did everything I could to help them. I have done my part. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I feel sure it is the same for you Freeowl. This is just the nature of a disease over which we have no power at all, excepting that you will have the power to help them if and when they are willing.
I try to remember a passage in the big book about resentment and how we might deal with it. It seems apropo here. It goes something like though we don't like their symptoms and the way they disturb us, we realised that they were perhaps spiritually sick too. We try to show them the same love and tolerance we would for a sick friend. We ask God to keep us from getting angry.
I have had a similar experience. It has been going on for my entire sobriety. Both my mother and sister are alcholic. In my first few years of recovery I helped get them to treatment, put them in contact with people who could help, all to no avail. They still drink today and have done many things over the years to try and trip me up. I don't know whether they hate me or the fact that I have recovered. They don't seem to want to. I cut all ties about 10 years ago.
I got help for myself, cleared up my past, did everything I could to help them. I have done my part. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I feel sure it is the same for you Freeowl. This is just the nature of a disease over which we have no power at all, excepting that you will have the power to help them if and when they are willing.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm sorry you're going through this owl. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Hard none the less.
Ya know, I get jealous when I read these posts. How weird is that? This addict that you speak of has all these people that love them so much they are all willing to get 'involved'.
That person is tremendously lucky. For many addicts there isn't a soul who would be willing to spend 5 minutes checking to see if they are dead or alive.
Ya know, I get jealous when I read these posts. How weird is that? This addict that you speak of has all these people that love them so much they are all willing to get 'involved'.
That person is tremendously lucky. For many addicts there isn't a soul who would be willing to spend 5 minutes checking to see if they are dead or alive.
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