Sober, but accused of drinking :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 3
Sober, but accused of drinking :(
I'm not sure where to start here, but mostly I'm looking for similar experiences and help coping with my situation.
I used to drink, I used to drink to go to sleep. I had made a decision a while back to stop, because I knew I was forming a habit and it was unhealthy. I slipped up sometimes when I had a rough night. I met my boyfriend who is a recovered alcoholic and I have slipped up a few times around him, twice I lied about it. Two other times I told him about it and once had him come pick me up from where I was at...so I have a history of drinking as far as our relationship goes...
This is my problem though...I have some medical problems that are as of yet undiagnosed (diabetes, immune disease) and I'm seeing doctors to figure it out. I act like I'm drunk, and get confused. I get accused of drinking when I act this way.
It hurts me and angers me, even though I see from others perspective how they think I might be drinking or on something, I totally get it. But I'm frustrated that I basically have a scorecard held to me.
Last month I broke my sobriety of 6 months because I was so hurt, that I broke down and bought some littles bottles...I stood in front of my mirror and drank one, then felt so guilty I dumped out another then hid the rest. I was too ashamed and scared to go to anyone about what I did and seek help because I get accused of it already anyway, so it all just sounds like a sloppy excuse.
It's ruining my relationship, and it almost caused a fight with my family. Today they orchestrated an intervention, had some crying and arguing then when they heard the facts they came to realize that they had been accusing me of the wrong thing and need to get medical help...which I'm working on.
Like I said I totally understand what everyone is seeing, especially because of my past...but it's just hurting me to be accused of these things.
Until I get the way I'm acting and bad episodes under control with Drs help, I don't know how to cope. And I don't want to hurt anyone else by letting them think that I'm just drunk when I'm not...but I can't argue with them sometimes because they are dead set in what they believe...
Ughhh, what do I do here? Where do I begin?
I used to drink, I used to drink to go to sleep. I had made a decision a while back to stop, because I knew I was forming a habit and it was unhealthy. I slipped up sometimes when I had a rough night. I met my boyfriend who is a recovered alcoholic and I have slipped up a few times around him, twice I lied about it. Two other times I told him about it and once had him come pick me up from where I was at...so I have a history of drinking as far as our relationship goes...
This is my problem though...I have some medical problems that are as of yet undiagnosed (diabetes, immune disease) and I'm seeing doctors to figure it out. I act like I'm drunk, and get confused. I get accused of drinking when I act this way.
It hurts me and angers me, even though I see from others perspective how they think I might be drinking or on something, I totally get it. But I'm frustrated that I basically have a scorecard held to me.
Last month I broke my sobriety of 6 months because I was so hurt, that I broke down and bought some littles bottles...I stood in front of my mirror and drank one, then felt so guilty I dumped out another then hid the rest. I was too ashamed and scared to go to anyone about what I did and seek help because I get accused of it already anyway, so it all just sounds like a sloppy excuse.
It's ruining my relationship, and it almost caused a fight with my family. Today they orchestrated an intervention, had some crying and arguing then when they heard the facts they came to realize that they had been accusing me of the wrong thing and need to get medical help...which I'm working on.
Like I said I totally understand what everyone is seeing, especially because of my past...but it's just hurting me to be accused of these things.
Until I get the way I'm acting and bad episodes under control with Drs help, I don't know how to cope. And I don't want to hurt anyone else by letting them think that I'm just drunk when I'm not...but I can't argue with them sometimes because they are dead set in what they believe...
Ughhh, what do I do here? Where do I begin?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Symptoms of unresolved diabetes can come across a drunken behaviour. Even breath smell. It is good you are seeing a doc about this...a lot of booze has sugar in it and can affect daibetes and sugar levels. So long as you know you are doing the right thing. You can never make another person change..but with time- perhaps they may change themselves. Just work on yourself and de-stressing tools to help you. I remember in a rehab I did (well, but relapsed after- like so many) they did a random alcohol breath test. Mine was positive even though I knew it was wrong. The accusing looks and the high level of me shouting out 'it is wrong!' just made it tall seem worse. The testing device was not working, they later confirmed. Having said that- what others think is important to us- all humans are social animals. So I always have to try and work on my own responses and feelings- and not on others.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
This might sound silly but it would be effective. Buy a portable breathalyzer from Amazon for $20.00. If they accuse you of drinking you have something right there that is an unbiased truth teller. I'm guessing that if they accuse you a few times and you blow a 0.00% on the breathalyzer each time the accusations will stop. The one catch is that if they accuse you and you have been drinking you will be caught red-handed.
The other option is to stop letting your feeling be an excuse to drink. Sure it hurts when they accuse you of drinking when you haven't been, but it takes awhile to build that trust back up with family/friends/partners after multiple slip ups. It sounds like you need to come up with a recovery plan and stick to it and also get a medical plan in place with your doctor(s) to diagnose and treat your medical conditions.
The first method I mentioned (the breathalyzer) is more of a "blunt" way to handle it but it's pretty cut and dried. The 2nd method I mentioned is going to take a lot of work on your part (recovery plan and plan to deal with medical issues) as well as a lot of patience on your part. Trust has to be earned back and that takes time.
The other option is to stop letting your feeling be an excuse to drink. Sure it hurts when they accuse you of drinking when you haven't been, but it takes awhile to build that trust back up with family/friends/partners after multiple slip ups. It sounds like you need to come up with a recovery plan and stick to it and also get a medical plan in place with your doctor(s) to diagnose and treat your medical conditions.
The first method I mentioned (the breathalyzer) is more of a "blunt" way to handle it but it's pretty cut and dried. The 2nd method I mentioned is going to take a lot of work on your part (recovery plan and plan to deal with medical issues) as well as a lot of patience on your part. Trust has to be earned back and that takes time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
hi and welcome 
I eroded a lot of trust with my drinking. I promised to quit many times - I lied and said I was sober when I wasn't...I missed many important events for family and friends cos I was too wasted to go out...I got away with secret drinking (or thought I did)...
I'm a good guy - but you'd never know it from that behaviour. I ended up the neighbourhood drunk. Mothers would shoo their kids across the street to avoid me.
It took me a little while to rehabilitate my reputation but I did
Until I proved myself, I got accused of drinking a lot because that's what I did (at least for the past 20 years anyway)
It stung but I could see their point of view.
Whats seemed like an eternity to me and a massive journey of self discovery was a few weeks to them.
My advice is be the person you want to be seen as - no secret drinking, no hiding or lying about drinking, no sliips no matter how justified you feel about them......
people will see real change in you and their response will reflect that
I hope you find out whats going on healthwise.
D
I eroded a lot of trust with my drinking. I promised to quit many times - I lied and said I was sober when I wasn't...I missed many important events for family and friends cos I was too wasted to go out...I got away with secret drinking (or thought I did)...
I'm a good guy - but you'd never know it from that behaviour. I ended up the neighbourhood drunk. Mothers would shoo their kids across the street to avoid me.
It took me a little while to rehabilitate my reputation but I did
Until I proved myself, I got accused of drinking a lot because that's what I did (at least for the past 20 years anyway)
It stung but I could see their point of view.
Whats seemed like an eternity to me and a massive journey of self discovery was a few weeks to them.
My advice is be the person you want to be seen as - no secret drinking, no hiding or lying about drinking, no sliips no matter how justified you feel about them......
people will see real change in you and their response will reflect that
I hope you find out whats going on healthwise.
D
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
There is a phrase in the AA book about making a decision based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. It could be minutes later or years later. As a drinking alcoholic, fully self absorbed, we do have this ability to get on the wrong side of people and cause them to lose confidence in us. It takes a while for that to come back. Sometimes it never does. We just have to accept that and do what we can about getting ourselves right.
I have a nephew that is diabetic and when he gets out of balance, his behaviour could resemble someone who has been drinking. He has no history of alcohol abuse, so no one draws the wrong conclusion with him, but it is understandable how someone might with you.
It is a mistake that they make based on their past experience with you. It is a consequence of your drinking, in much the same way that your current health problems may have something to do with your drinking as well. It will take time to heal, time sober. Why not get recovered like your boyfriend.
I have a nephew that is diabetic and when he gets out of balance, his behaviour could resemble someone who has been drinking. He has no history of alcohol abuse, so no one draws the wrong conclusion with him, but it is understandable how someone might with you.
It is a mistake that they make based on their past experience with you. It is a consequence of your drinking, in much the same way that your current health problems may have something to do with your drinking as well. It will take time to heal, time sober. Why not get recovered like your boyfriend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
There is a phrase in the AA book about making a decision based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. It could be minutes later or years later. As a drinking alcoholic, fully self absorbed, we do have this ability to get on the wrong side of people and cause them to lose confidence in us. It takes a while for that to come back. Sometimes it never does. We just have to accept that and do what we can about getting ourselves right.
I have a nephew that is diabetic and when he gets out of balance, his behaviour could resemble someone who has been drinking. He has no history of alcohol abuse, so no one draws the wrong conclusion with him, but it is understandable how someone might with you.
It is a mistake that they make based on their past experience with you. It is a consequence of your drinking, in much the same way that your current health problems may have something to do with your drinking as well. It will take time to heal, time sober. Why not get recovered like your boyfriend.
I have a nephew that is diabetic and when he gets out of balance, his behaviour could resemble someone who has been drinking. He has no history of alcohol abuse, so no one draws the wrong conclusion with him, but it is understandable how someone might with you.
It is a mistake that they make based on their past experience with you. It is a consequence of your drinking, in much the same way that your current health problems may have something to do with your drinking as well. It will take time to heal, time sober. Why not get recovered like your boyfriend.
I guess it's a very difficult balance with people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Grungehead
This might sound silly but it would be effective. Buy a portable breathalyzer from Amazon for $20.00. If they accuse you of drinking you have something right there that is an unbiased truth teller. I'm guessing that if they accuse you a few times and you blow a 0.00% on the breathalyzer each time the accusations will stop. The one catch is that if they accuse you and you have been drinking you will be caught red-handed.
The other option is to stop letting your feeling be an excuse to drink. Sure it hurts when they accuse you of drinking when you haven't been, but it takes awhile to build that trust back up with family/friends/partners after multiple slip ups. It sounds like you need to come up with a recovery plan and stick to it and also get a medical plan in place with your doctor(s) to diagnose and treat your medical conditions.
The first method I mentioned (the breathalyzer) is more of a "blunt" way to handle it but it's pretty cut and dried. The 2nd method I mentioned is going to take a lot of work on your part (recovery plan and plan to deal with medical issues) as well as a lot of patience on your part. Trust has to be earned back and that takes time.
The other option is to stop letting your feeling be an excuse to drink. Sure it hurts when they accuse you of drinking when you haven't been, but it takes awhile to build that trust back up with family/friends/partners after multiple slip ups. It sounds like you need to come up with a recovery plan and stick to it and also get a medical plan in place with your doctor(s) to diagnose and treat your medical conditions.
The first method I mentioned (the breathalyzer) is more of a "blunt" way to handle it but it's pretty cut and dried. The 2nd method I mentioned is going to take a lot of work on your part (recovery plan and plan to deal with medical issues) as well as a lot of patience on your part. Trust has to be earned back and that takes time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by ProximaOpera
I'm working on being recovered. I can stay sober, have been. Attend some AA, even with my boyfriend. I guess I'm having issues with feeling like I'm having to kiss ass to make up for my past mistakes. I feel demoralized and belittled, not like a human being. More like a dog being punished. When I try to worry about myself and my path I am made to feel like I'm just shrugging everyone off and don't care....
I guess it's a very difficult balance with people.
I guess it's a very difficult balance with people.
You mentioned attending some AA meetings. You do know that meetings aren't the AA recovery plan right? How about working the 12-steps with a sponsor? Then you might start feeling some relief from all this, and being able to value what you know about yourself above what others think about you.
I'm going to leave you with the prayer that helps me when I'm doing my best and am getting disheartened by the fact that some people are never content with that....
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
Keep going. And please, no more drinking at people to punish them. That's just punishing yourself really.
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 46
I have started to realize that I don’t like having my feelings hurt. And I would rather hate than hurt. So I would pick a fight with my wife. Sometimes say mean things to her and boom I’ll just solve the whole thing by drinking.
My friends in recovery have said that we alcoholics look at things funny.
My friends in recovery have said that we alcoholics look at things funny.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by ProximaOpera
I guess I'm having issues with feeling like I'm having to kiss ass to make up for my past mistakes. I feel demoralized and belittled, not like a human being.
Look at it from the other lens though - how would you feel if the roles were reversed and someone did the things to you that you did to them when you were drinking? The lying, lack of accountability, etc. It simply.y takes time and the brutal truth is that people won't instantly forgive us just because we haven't drank for a while. We need to prove to them that we've truly changed and do it for an extended period of time before the start trusting us again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
All excellent advice Proxima. Just to add to it, focus more on YOU and less on them and what they might think.
Live fully in your now, this day. You can't change the past but you can decide each step from here on. Good luck to you!
Live fully in your now, this day. You can't change the past but you can decide each step from here on. Good luck to you!
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