I Know/I (Don't) Try/I Fail/ Wash, Rinse, Repeat
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 187
I Know/I (Don't) Try/I Fail/ Wash, Rinse, Repeat
Hey everyone.
Been some months since I was on here, and big surprise - been drinking nonstop again. I *know* that I need to stop drinking, it's like deep in my soul kind of knowledge. And yet, I don't even really try. I just keep repeating the same patterns, thinking it doesn't really count, it doesn't really matter - not me, not an alcoholic. Haha.
Thankfully I don't feel as depressed about it this morning, more reflective. I know I am sabotaging my own health and my own ability to live fully to my greatest potential. When night comes, I go to robot mode and just pour and drink, pour and drink. And it feels good or I wouldn't keep doing it.
Anyway, not sure what I'm after posting on here. I'm back in a stage of weighing out the possibility but afraid to dare make any "commitment". None have ever stuck so it feels like a farce to pretend I would commit.
All I can say is I might try for today, but I don't trust myself beyond that. And as I type this, I hear that "just for today" but don't even feel aligned with that. I am just thinking out loud here, I guess.
Thanks for listening, you all are wonderful support. Hope everyone's been well and living to their best abilities!
Been some months since I was on here, and big surprise - been drinking nonstop again. I *know* that I need to stop drinking, it's like deep in my soul kind of knowledge. And yet, I don't even really try. I just keep repeating the same patterns, thinking it doesn't really count, it doesn't really matter - not me, not an alcoholic. Haha.
Thankfully I don't feel as depressed about it this morning, more reflective. I know I am sabotaging my own health and my own ability to live fully to my greatest potential. When night comes, I go to robot mode and just pour and drink, pour and drink. And it feels good or I wouldn't keep doing it.
Anyway, not sure what I'm after posting on here. I'm back in a stage of weighing out the possibility but afraid to dare make any "commitment". None have ever stuck so it feels like a farce to pretend I would commit.
All I can say is I might try for today, but I don't trust myself beyond that. And as I type this, I hear that "just for today" but don't even feel aligned with that. I am just thinking out loud here, I guess.
Thanks for listening, you all are wonderful support. Hope everyone's been well and living to their best abilities!
Keep Going
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: England
Posts: 1,530
Hi dizzy bee, I couldn't align with 'just for today' either, nor with 'I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I had to do it for a lifetime'. Because whatever I'm feeling, I'm feeling for eternity and if what I'm feeling is not high, then I need to fix it, NOW. I'm kind of mindful for the wrong reason.
I had to say to myself, 'I'm sober this second,' and it would be past and I had achieved it and then I could do another one and now I have 14 months, about 36 million of those seconds.
You need a plan for what to do when the Robot Mode gets on you, so you can intervene at that point. I went to meetings smart and aa, got numbers of alcoholics to call, walked miles, posted here, listened to what people here said.
I went into robot mode 3 times after finishing the withdrawals and each time I had bought the bottle before I even registered it consciously. But I had time to come here before I drank it and there was always some kind soul ready to help me pour it away. Cut through my nonsense sometimes too. And on I'd go sober.
I think the problem where you're at is you still hope you can hang onto the drinking life, and you know deep down in that you are pushing your risk sky high. Once I take a drink all bets are off what will happen. I ended up coming out of a blackout in another country one time without any passport etc. And I hope I never remember the details. But what if?
I hope you come out into the sunshine and live this amazing life to the full with the rest of us. You only need to want to get sober a tiny bit more than you want to be drunk ((((dizzybee)))))
I had to say to myself, 'I'm sober this second,' and it would be past and I had achieved it and then I could do another one and now I have 14 months, about 36 million of those seconds.
You need a plan for what to do when the Robot Mode gets on you, so you can intervene at that point. I went to meetings smart and aa, got numbers of alcoholics to call, walked miles, posted here, listened to what people here said.
I went into robot mode 3 times after finishing the withdrawals and each time I had bought the bottle before I even registered it consciously. But I had time to come here before I drank it and there was always some kind soul ready to help me pour it away. Cut through my nonsense sometimes too. And on I'd go sober.
I think the problem where you're at is you still hope you can hang onto the drinking life, and you know deep down in that you are pushing your risk sky high. Once I take a drink all bets are off what will happen. I ended up coming out of a blackout in another country one time without any passport etc. And I hope I never remember the details. But what if?
I hope you come out into the sunshine and live this amazing life to the full with the rest of us. You only need to want to get sober a tiny bit more than you want to be drunk ((((dizzybee)))))
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by dizzybee 
I'm back in a stage of weighing out the possibility but afraid to dare make any "commitment". None have ever stuck so it feels like a farce to pretend I would commit.
Can you commit to 6 months? Reaping some of the benefits of sobriety might go a long way in helping you stay sober.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Dizzybee. Sounds like you are indeed in the "bargaining" stage right now. Most of us were there at one point, trying to decide if it was really worth it to keep drinking for the pleasure it provided, vs the bad effects. Sounds like you are getting closer to the latter - your better judgment tells you so, but you are still leaning on listening to your addiction that tells you the fleeting moments of "feeling good" are worth all the rest.
Make no mistake though, quitting is a choice you can make at any time. Even "robot mode" is a series of conscious choices you make.
Perhaps making an actual written list of the pros/cons might help you? It's not always effective but for the heck of it, take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left, write down the positive effects of drinking alcohol that you experience. On the right, list all the bad effects of drinking. Might at least give you a different perspective.
It's also a very sure bet that whatever bad things are happening will only get worse. Health problems, job loss, DUI's, all those bad things are very possible of course, but part of the problem with using consequences as a motivator is that they all go away eventually. I hope you are able to make the decision to quit before you experience any of those or perhaps worse.
Make no mistake though, quitting is a choice you can make at any time. Even "robot mode" is a series of conscious choices you make.
Perhaps making an actual written list of the pros/cons might help you? It's not always effective but for the heck of it, take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left, write down the positive effects of drinking alcohol that you experience. On the right, list all the bad effects of drinking. Might at least give you a different perspective.
It's also a very sure bet that whatever bad things are happening will only get worse. Health problems, job loss, DUI's, all those bad things are very possible of course, but part of the problem with using consequences as a motivator is that they all go away eventually. I hope you are able to make the decision to quit before you experience any of those or perhaps worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Anyway, not sure what I'm after posting on here.
seems like youre lookin for someone to talk some sense into ya.
And it feels good or I wouldn't keep doing it
if it did feel good would ya be posting here about it?
All I can say is I might try for today,
i started doing that back in 2005. some days i had to go down to one hour at a time. some hours down to one minute at a time. some minutes down to one second at a time.
well worth fighting the obsession even when it was one second at a time.
seems like youre lookin for someone to talk some sense into ya.
And it feels good or I wouldn't keep doing it
if it did feel good would ya be posting here about it?
All I can say is I might try for today,
i started doing that back in 2005. some days i had to go down to one hour at a time. some hours down to one minute at a time. some minutes down to one second at a time.
well worth fighting the obsession even when it was one second at a time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi dizzybee 
I knew for years I should stop drinking but I was never committed to turning that knowledge into real action - even tho my drinking contributed to me losing more and more of the things I valued loved and held dear....
Don't be the Frog
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dont-frog.html (Don't be the Frog)
D
I knew for years I should stop drinking but I was never committed to turning that knowledge into real action - even tho my drinking contributed to me losing more and more of the things I valued loved and held dear....
Don't be the Frog
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dont-frog.html (Don't be the Frog)
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 187
Hey everyone - I know I'm a few days behind to reply, but I've read and reread the wise responses you all gave. Some really sound advice, and it sounds like every one of you "get" exactly what I'm saying and feeling. I resonate with each of you, which mean I might be like each of you, which of course means I have an alcohol problem...
I'm still circling around (bargaining stage is the perfect fit) but I can say right now I haven't drank in 2 days. Making it through today will be 3 but I need more patience and kindness for myself in this process than a strict order not to drink. Not sure if that makes sense, but kind of circling back to that original idea of not resonating with the idea of commitment, more in need of some self-care.
I'm grateful to you all for sharing your wisdom and support.
I'm still circling around (bargaining stage is the perfect fit) but I can say right now I haven't drank in 2 days. Making it through today will be 3 but I need more patience and kindness for myself in this process than a strict order not to drink. Not sure if that makes sense, but kind of circling back to that original idea of not resonating with the idea of commitment, more in need of some self-care.
I'm grateful to you all for sharing your wisdom and support.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by dizzybee
... but I need more patience and kindness for myself in this process than a strict order not to drink. Not sure if that makes sense, but kind of circling back to that original idea of not resonating with the idea of commitment, more in need of some self-care.
Hope you stay sober. That's the best self-care you can give yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Sounds like you are negotiating with your addiction and allowing for the possibility of drinking. But that's just my interpretation of what you wrote. If I'm off base, I apologize.
Hope you stay sober. That's the best self-care you can give yourself.
Hope you stay sober. That's the best self-care you can give yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Many alcoholics go on auto-pilot. Its the same routine day after day and it works. Sometimes for years. But eventually it catches up with us and it seems like you are seeing that. I'm a big proponent of advising people to quit while they still have a choice.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Making it through today will be 3 but I need more patience and kindness for myself in this process than a strict order not to drink.
A firm gentle no is as good, if not better, as a metaphorical slap to the head.
Unfortunately my AV was particularly adept at convincing me that one drink would be me being kind to myself.
The others are right though - not drinking is self care - when you drink like we do.
If you really want to practice self care and loving and cherishing yourself there's no better way to do that thna to stay quit
congrats on day 3
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 187
Hey everyone -
Sorry if I wasn't clear, but that's exactly what I meant: looking at not drinking as self-care. That approach feels more welcoming to me than a stern or strict one. It's easier for me to embrace being good to my body/mind/spirit by leaving alcohol out of the picture. At least for now.
Dee74, your Chuck Norris commit made me laugh. Thanks for that.
Sorry if I wasn't clear, but that's exactly what I meant: looking at not drinking as self-care. That approach feels more welcoming to me than a stern or strict one. It's easier for me to embrace being good to my body/mind/spirit by leaving alcohol out of the picture. At least for now.
Dee74, your Chuck Norris commit made me laugh. Thanks for that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
