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Help! I need to make a decision asap!

Old 07-06-2018, 01:12 AM
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Help! I need to make a decision asap!

I live with my ABF. I told him the next time he lies to me and comes home drunk I am going to kick him out. He came home at midnight wasted. I calmly asked him where he was and he told me it was none of my business. Instead of fighting with him I said to him. "Ok, I'm going to bed". ( I have to get up for work at 5am). He came into the bedroom and started saying crazy things. I ignored him. He's passed out now. MY PLAN- I want to put all his stuff into storage this Sunday when he is hanging out with his drunk buddies. I want to take his house keys Saturday night when he is sleeping, after I remove all his belongings I will go to where he is at and give him back his half of the rent money along with the key to the pad lock that I will buy for the storage space so he can get his belongings and find a place to move. OR SHOULD I give him a written notice to move out in 30 days? Everything is in my name. I worry if I do that things will change and it won't happen. I've asked him numerous times to move out if he wants to drink his life away. He won't go. But I can't live like this anymore. I'm going crazy with a drunk in my bed snoring and choking on his breath and he reeks of alcohol. I've been dealing with this for 6yrs! My apologies that this post may sound frantic, I'm exhausted and need to get to sleep but I wanted to reach out. I feel I need to act fast in this situation.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:21 AM
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Hi Amusic. It's your flat and you have every right to say who lives there and under what conditions. I have been like your ABF, and been kicked out on short notice on more than one occasion. It was inconvenient but not fatal. I got over it.

More than that I think that peoples refusal to tolerate my behaviour was instrumental in me eventually getting help. Seems to me you have been more than reasonable.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:27 AM
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Hi Amusic,
I like the idea of giving him 30days written notice. Regardless if he stops drinking, it sounds like you are ready to end your relationship with him. you say that things might change and it won’t happen but it’s not clear why?

Personally, I would regret just kicking him out - but that’s just me.
Good luck.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:32 AM
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If you've given him countless warnings previously and he's not willing to help himself - you are perfectly within your right to kick him out.

I'm sure if it was me, it might give me the shock I needed to seek the help I needed and for me to realise it's serious.

What would you do afterwards? Would your relationship be finished? And do you have people you can turn to for support?
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:39 AM
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Thank you for your replies. Waiting 3O days gives him time to string up some more excuses , and it's been a monthly occurrence of him stumbling home drunk Late at night sometimes 5am. I think he needs a wake up call and I need this stressful situation out of my life. I love him, but not under these conditions. I just went thru his phone and saw his credit card purchases he was at the bar at 4pm and he told me he was at work and meeting up with a friend to go to dinner at 8. His friend actually never showed up. These lies are not anything new. He does this ALL The time. It's disrespectful and it makes me sick to see him this drunk. He is 43. And I'm wasting my life waiting for him to clean up his act. I think it's time he sees what it's like to be a drunk without a home.
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Old 07-06-2018, 02:13 AM
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If the lease is in your name, you have every right to kick him out. If you return his share of the rent, that's fair and ensures he has no claim against you for that.

Six years is a long, long time to be suffering as you have. He has lied to you and you are right, he has totally disrespected you. I am with you. Why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone like this and be treated as you have?

You have a job. You have a flat. You don't need this man.

I like your plan.
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Old 07-06-2018, 02:26 AM
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I agree that it is within your rights to kick him out. If you are hoping he might change, the 30 days notice might inspire him to do so, but probably not. I would move his things out and give him the key to the storage. Do you have to pay rent on that spot? Returning his portion of the rent is fair. You don't need to live your life under these conditions. Good Luck.
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Old 07-06-2018, 03:27 AM
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Does your boyfriend receive mail at your place? If so, he may, unfortunately, be considered a tenant. Then you may legally have to provide him 30 days notice. My late husband and I had to do that with his son (alcoholic, crack and heroin addict).

If he just stays over occasionally but still has his own place, then I don't believe all that will be necessary.

Either way, I hope you can work to keep your own place peaceful and drama-free!!
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:29 AM
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yeah..be sure and check the tenant laws in your area. He may have more rights than you think. Just because he's there for longer than you wish doesn't mean you have to listen to his excuses though. In the friends and family section here they call it "quacking" and there's some funny/insane "quacks" in there!
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Old 07-06-2018, 08:55 AM
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you would never get away with that in NYS, USA. but you can always roll the dice and try. he may not do anything about it. it would depend on him. my exgf would of had a field day if I would have attempted that. she lived in my house for about 10 yrs and I had her served with a 30 day notice. she flipped out which was expected and then we started negotiating. I essentially paid her off to get her out because to go thru the court process and continued legal fees would have been worse because she would have hunkered down and it can take awhile. do whatever it takes or what you can afford. he may not do anything with your approach. it's a judgement call. I think you will be making a mistake to let things keep dragging on. I did that for waaaay to long.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:14 AM
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I would disregard everything in this thread and get a free consultation with a lawyer familiar with landlord-tenant law.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:20 AM
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How 'attached' to your apartment are you ? Maybe an option is to find another place for yourself ?

Six years is pretty long , a new place could help solidify a new beginning for your self ?
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Old 07-06-2018, 10:40 AM
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I'm stuck in a lease until next April. Or else I would just move out. I'm not looking forward to packing up all his stuff and hauling it to a storage unit , but I also don't want to endure anymore of this sick disrespectful behavior of his. He is 42 and acts like a teenager. I need to be strong and make it through this obstacle in life. Thank you for all your replies.
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Old 07-06-2018, 11:07 AM
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please make sure all of your windows are locked. let him keep the keys- just get new locks.


OR SHOULD I give him a written notice to move out in 30 days? Everything is in my name. I worry if I do that things will change and it won't happen.

only you will stop it from happening. a high probability he may sober up for a bit, but once the heats off it will be back to the circus.
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Old 07-06-2018, 11:26 AM
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Yeah I'd be careful just kicking him out. If he gets pissed enough, he may try to sue you if the law is on his side at all. The rules/laws vary and you'd better make sure he's not considered a tenant. Daredevil has good advice. I'd be just as tempted as you are to kick him out and hope for the best, especially when it sounds like he's had ample opportunity to clean up his act. He's taking advantage of you in an awful way and I totally understand your desire to just be rid of him. But be careful. Another thing - is he the type who would react in any violent sort of way? Be careful of that, too.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:53 PM
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I see two angles to this issue. One is the legal issue and as others have said you need to know what you can and can't legally do. The other is the emotional angle, you are mad right now, its been my experience that very few good decisions are made when we are mad or emotional. We need a cooling off period.

That being said, I see your side of the story, he sounds like he's taking advantage of the situation.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:59 PM
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You have every right to kick him out, but be safe about it. If you suspect he could get violent if confronted with it, take precautions. It sounds like you are beyond ready to have him out of there and that's totally understandable! When you're ready you're ready and when you're finally really ready it's like it can't happen fast enough. Play it safe though. Release the inner "bi**h.
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:25 PM
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Amusic,
Get legal advice for sure. Co habitation laws and tenant laws need consideration.
I would get a lock for the bedroom door. Remove his belongings from this space. Tell him it is over and you want him to leave. Tell him you are getting legal counsel and are willing to give him whatever legal time he is entitled. If he decides to go before that, you will refund him the rent for the days he is owed. He should sleep on the couch or floor until he leaves. If you have male family or friends that can be present to help you through this situation, you should have them come over. If he is verbally or physically abusive, call the police for help immediately. I suggest spending time away from the apartment as well. If he makes attempts to get sober, that is great but make sure he knows that changes nothing. He needs to be sober a minimum of 6 months before you will consider dating him again.
Best of luck and keep posting.
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:26 PM
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Amusic,
Alternately you can speak to your landlord. Perhaps they would be willing to end your lease early if you shared your situation. They might want to get rid of a tenant whose boyfriend is drunk and disorderly.
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:20 PM
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He has had 6yrs to clean up. He goes a couple wks of being "good". But it's never been a full month. I am mad. I'm tired. I feel used. The landlord does not know he lives there. He does not receive mail there, everything is in my name. He pays his half of the rent in cash. I just don't know how to react to him anymore. Ignoring him doesn't work. Trying to talk doesn't work. Even this morning he started yelling at me because he could tell I was upset but I just wasn't going to waste my time saying anything. He turned it around on me saying that I don't like him to hang out with his friends. Of course I don't mind him hanging out, what I mind is him lying , drinking to get drunk and coming home at whatever crazy hour drunk. But he won't acknowledge that part. He does get violent breaking things and screaming , I'm embarrassed my neighbors have heard him. A couple wks ago when we went out to see a band he got drunk ( I'm the Driver ). I tried to enforce a new rule, I told him I refuse to drive when he is drunk we will sit in my car until he sobers up. I'm sick of being used as the designated driver while he sits there all sloppy and can't talk straight. I keep telling him I want that lifestyle out of the house. We sat in my car for 2 hours he yelled at me told me I was holding him hostage , ppl at the club could hear him. He tore the mirror off inside the car. Was throwing things. The whole time I just sat there and let him act like a drunk lunatic. I've asked him to leave and he tells me he won't. So I really think my only option is to kick him out. I don't know about the legal issues , but I don't understand how he could sue me. This whole thing is the biggest hassle of my life.
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