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Help! I need to make a decision asap!

Old 07-06-2018, 07:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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If you go that route, I would suggest getting someone to stay with you or staying some where else when the locks are changed. Move out for a week and send his calls to spam. Leave him a letter because he will not listen to your verbal messages, he just spins your words and yells. It will be there for him to reread when he is sober. Have someone else give him the key to the storage facility or drop off his things. Talk to him on your terms, not his. He will be calling angry and drunk. Meet him in public during the day to discuss closure to relationship matters. I don't know where you live, so I have no idea what the cohabitation laws are.
I think you need to get out of this situation immediately. His violent behavior is not excused by his drinking. I think your need to do this when he is absent stems from a real fear of his emotional and physical abuse when you tell him. You might want to have a talk with the local police about your plan and they might post someone to keep the peace.

If you want out of your lease, then letting the landlord know that you have a room mate and the current situation might be helpful. I don't know your lease terms. If it says a room mate is cause for additional fees or forfeit of your security deposit, then you need to think about that. If it says it is grounds for eviction, then they may oblige you. If you want to keep the apartment for yourself, then that is no help.
Your boyfriend is not going to get better in this situation. You are doing the right thing. He needs to be on his own and let his drinking take him to a place where he decides to get sober or it does not.

Take care of your safety first. When people are drunk they are unpredictable and he already sounds like he has a bad temper with inclinations to violence.

(Amusic)
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Old 07-06-2018, 08:06 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lizajane View Post
If you go that route, I would suggest getting someone to stay with you or staying some where else when the locks are changed. Move out for a week and send his calls to spam. Leave him a letter because he will not listen to your verbal messages, he just spins your words and yells. It will be there for him to reread when he is sober. Have someone else give him the key to the storage facility or drop off his things. Talk to him on your terms, not his. He will be calling angry and drunk. Meet him in public during the day to discuss closure to relationship matters. I don't know where you live, so I have no idea what the cohabitation laws are.
I think you need to get out of this situation immediately. His violent behavior is not excused by his drinking. I think your need to do this when he is absent stems from a real fear of his emotional and physical abuse when you tell him. You might want to have a talk with the local police about your plan and they might post someone to keep the peace.

If you want out of your lease, then letting the landlord know that you have a room mate and the current situation might be helpful. I don't know your lease terms. If it says a room mate is cause for additional fees or forfeit of your security deposit, then you need to think about that. If it says it is grounds for eviction, then they may oblige you. If you want to keep the apartment for yourself, then that is no help.
Your boyfriend is not going to get better in this situation. You are doing the right thing. He needs to be on his own and let his drinking take him to a place where he decides to get sober or it does not.

Take care of your safety first. When people are drunk they are unpredictable and he already sounds like he has a bad temper with inclinations to violence.

(Amusic)
Thank you. That is a good idea about writing a letter instead of talking to him. As he won't listen anyway. I've given so many warnings that if he keeps up this lifestyle I will leave him. But I've never followed through because we live together and it's like a trap. He acts like living like this is normal. Anyway. Thank you. I've already looked into a storage unit and trying to prepare for this long over due release.
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Old 07-06-2018, 08:44 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I donít have any sage advice. I just wanted to say that Iím sorry you are in this situation. It must be so draining, emotionally and physically. I hope you find some peace soon.
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Old 07-07-2018, 10:04 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I am very sorry for your situation, it does sound miserable. Please keep in touch here.
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:57 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi, Amusic. You've gotten a lot of advice on what looks like your most pressing issue at the moment--how to get your drunk BF out of your house. Can I suggest coming over to the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section of the forum to look into other types of help you'd likely benefit from in dealing with this situation? It's right here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Hope to see you over there soon.
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Old 07-08-2018, 08:57 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Things are not working out as planned. He did not come home last night. I don't know where he is. It's been a very long time since he has done this , normally he just comes home at whatever odd hour. Yesterday (Saturday), I was doing my best to ignore him , he called me a bunch of horrible names and than tried to act nice and "get along". It's these types of mind games that have really done some mental damage. Anyway I told him he can't treat me this way, it's not normal , if I were to do what he was doing he would not put up with it. I'm not sure how to react when he does come home. No matter what I say he always turns it back on me and blames me. He says I'm trying to control him. Basically I'm trying to teach a wild animal how to be a decent human being. But with no luck , his mind is toxic.
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Old 07-08-2018, 09:07 AM
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Write out that letter. I'd keep it very 'matter of fact' and business like. No need to discuss his drinking or his/your feelings any longer ,as it's a waste of time and energy. Just a simple "I'm done and want you to leave." type thing.. No need to dicuss anything else at all.
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Old 07-08-2018, 09:35 AM
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Sorry you are going through this Amusic. All of his behavior is very typical of an alcoholic - blaming others, lack of responsibility, etc. The concept you mention about teaching wild animal to be civilized is not really a good analogy because you actually can teach wild animals things. Alcoholics who are actively drinking cannot be "taught" to do things - and unfortunately they don't really care about you or anything you might have to say. Drinking alcohol is far more important to him right now than you, or anything you might have to say to him. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, but he's under the spell of alcohol and nothing will change until he quits drinking. In a way you are enabling his behavior too by allowing him to live with you without consequences for his antics. In his mind, why would he not go out and get drunk and disappear for a day or two ? There are no consequences for doing so.

I would suggest you find a way to get him out of your home and life. If that involves getting a lawyer then get a lawyer, but you could also get in touch with your local domestic abuse hotline - because he is abusing you too. They can help you sort out the legal details and get him out of your life.
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Old 07-08-2018, 10:06 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I would be calling the police and having him removed to the drunk tank when he is drunk. They will be happy to remove him and give him a nice concrete bench to sleep on while he sobers up.

Not only that, if he threatens you or is violent (like the mirror thing) you can call the police to remove him and then get a restraining order that keeps him out of your house and prohibited from contacting you.

I would call a Domestic Abuse hotline and ask for further advice - if you don't know of one, call the police and ask. They would also know about evictions and landlord-tenant issues, plus they are on your side. You need support.

You are being abused. It's not okay. There are legal remedies.
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Old 07-08-2018, 10:24 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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what hes doing is abuse and you DO NOT deserve this behavior and treatment.

biminiblue has great advise there.
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Old 07-08-2018, 10:50 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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You told him he was out next time he was drunk and lying.

You clearly established your boundary.

He broke it.

Seems to be thereís no decision to be made here.
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Old 07-08-2018, 10:51 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Also I second what Bimini said.
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