I drank a LOT today!
 

Being the 4th of July, I went out today. I went to the best friend’s, and we shotgunned a beer before I even put my purse down. I happened to walk up right into that, just because of timing. I knew I was okay, though. I truly felt okay hanging out yet keeping the drinking to a minimum. I did great there, then went to my cousin’s house. Hung out there, then various people started migrating downtown. I of course followed. I was totally fine. Until I fell off the toilet, completely face forward, and my cousin’s girlfriend had to help me and all i remember is her telling me to pull my pants up. I never did anything CLOSE to that when i was drinking st my heaviet, so why now?! MOST humiliating moment.

Returning to my non drinking habits is not my concern. I can do that. But I tested it more, i failed, but it was a POSITIVE fail. I just saw tonight again and was reminded again what happens, how stupid drinking is. :c011:

rayna,
to a sober alcoholic that just doesn't sound like you were fine, okay and totally okay until you fell off the toilet.
what did you positively fail AT?
genuine question.
if you know you can get back to non-drinking, what is your concern? staying there, if you want that? or control of the drinking you do? or....?
what can we help with?

I really believe that alcoholism is progressive. If you'll continue drinking you'll find those embarrassing moments can happen on less and less liquor.

Not sure if you were being sarcastic but you seem a little conflicted in your post like you feel that drinking a certain level is ok? or that next time you run 'the test' you might get a different result?

I had to learn it wasn't the last drink that started the madness it's the first. If I don't take the first drink, no problem.

Do you think this experience with stop you from drinking next time Rayna?

D

I'm just thankful it was the toilet you fell off and you had a friend there to help. Imagine if you'd been alone in the street. I dread to think what could have happened.
Glad you're home, safe and posting :)

Hi Rayna,

I'm sorry you dean today. I k ow you were feeling pretty good when you hit the three week mark on the2nd. You sounded confident that you wouldn't be drinking or dealing with hangovers. Just wondering what happened that made you start drinking today? Did you have a plan in place for the party to help you stay sober, or did you plan to drink at this party?

The beginning of sobriety is a great time to come up with solid plans to help you through recovery. You can do this. Take some time to think about the supports you may have put in place the past three weeks, or what you think would be helpful.

I never did anything CLOSE to that when i was drinking st my heaviet, so why now?!

welp, i aint too smart but i have a feeling the amount ya drank could have played into it. possibly ya went into the day thinkin you could control the quantity but alcoholism didnt care what ya thought because it looooooves showing its progression when possible.

But I tested it more
alcoholism isnt something to "test." its possible to fail this test and some day can involve other people getting harmed.
look back at your first post,rayna- take a look at the bolded parts:
I was terrified to do this, but I reached my limit tonight and as much as I want to be done, I can't bring myself to just stop , even though I'm desperate for sleep and a clear day. I am in such a vicious cycle. My drinking has risen to the level of screwing up things at my job. Then I drink to deal with/forget how I've screwed up. Then I screw up more. I don't know how to break free. I'm drinking more and more , and starting earlier and earlier. I know I need serious help but I do not have insurance, and alcohol is a huge stigma in my family, and when I don't "maintain" the same level of drinking, I have trouble sleeping. The other problem is that all of my friends and even my close family, all we do when we get together is drink. If it's someone's birthday, we go to a bar. If we're getting together for brunch, it's surrounded by mimosas. Even if we're just having a game night, there's beer and wine and shots involved. The difference is they can all control it, but I can't. I am totally willing and want to white knuckle it (not my first time looking into quitting), and I guess even just live a life of recluse away from the partying. I just don't even know where to begin

ya gonna keep white knuckling it?

Hi Rayna, I'm not sure I understand.

What was your goal going into the evening?

If your goal was to stay sober, you have failed. Not only that, you casually blamed drinking the first shot on "timing", as if the shotgunning of the beer was forced upon you just because it happened the second you walked into the room.

If your goal was to keep drinking "to a minimum", it appears you failed at that too.

How was the evening a positive?

The positive you appear to take away from the experience is that you realise you can't drink "to a minimum". Okay... But it's not a positive if you will struggle to stick to this. You seem pretty sure you can return to your "non-drinking habits", which seems over-confident on your part, given your experience with the "forced" shotgunning of the beer and how you progressed to falling on your face without realising how alcohol had affected you.

What is your intention now?

Sobriety? Moderation? Both seem to be a struggle for you.

I hope you can help me understand.

Hi there- echo the comments above, especially those Miss Perfumado made.

My big question, putting the details of this escapade aside....what do you want?

To moderate?

To have as few "bad" times drinking as possible?

TO GET SOBER?

You need to decide that first, like we all did- honestly. Then proceed from there.

This isn't a site encouraging moderation so you likely won't here a chorus of folks "OK"-ing your described plan/non-plan.

It sounds like alcohol is causing problems in your life. What will you decide to do about that?

Rayna, I agree with the others. When I was still conflicted about whether or not to stop completely, I would certainly have times when I could drink moderately, but those times were in the vast minority compared to times I completely blacked out and did god knows what in front of god knows whom. It sounds like you’re doing precisely what I did, which was to “test” myself in order to prove that I could moderate. Well, all my knowledge of statistics flew out the window when assessing these “tests”, because to me, an alcoholic binge drinker, even 1/10 times I managed to drink in moderation meant that I was not an alcoholic and could control it. This is irrational thinking.

I also want to reiterate what Dee said re: alcoholism being progressive. Just because this time you didn’t make a total fool of yourself and wake up in agony does not mean that it won’t happen next time. And frankly, falling off a toilet and remembering very little of it except your cousin’s girlfriend helping you does not sound like you were in control by any standards. Sure, something worse can always happen; but that’s the AV telling you to test the limits of just how terrible things can go. Don’t let it poison your thinking.

Do you want to pursue sobriety? You made it sound like you “know” you can, but based on past posts, it sounds like you cannot. But that’s entirely up to you!

^^^I just thought of something to add to the comments about how deathly progressive this disease is - I, like lots of us, started considering the kind of incident you had as .... "not that big a deal." My standards kept lowering and what was acceptable behavior got way away from what that actually is.

I hurt myself a LOT physically - from countless hard core bruises to way worse stuff.....and justified it as "boy I drank a LOT!" like your OP says (to me, kinda braggy-like?) and "ha, what a funny night." BS.

Hope you take our concern and comments to heart, and from our experiences - not as criticism or judgment. All of us have to CHOOSE if/when to stop....hope you do NOW.

Well the 'totally fine' thing is a hallmark of the drug. I didn't drink that much last night....I did WHAT? I'm fine to drive...no worries. Is that a cop? I only had a couple, is that barf on my shoes?

The drug that totally alters perceptions and lowers inhibitions. That's why I don't know how drunk I am. Pretty cool huh?

I'm glad returning to not drinking is easy for you. But is staying not drinking easy?

Rayna, I hope you don't feel criticized by these posts. It's not like that at all; we've all been there and have probably done worse. I've been hospitalized twice. I've been thrown in jail. I hooked up with a girl's boyfriend IN FRONT OF HER. I've gotten countless bruises and cuts, and said a million horrible things I didn't mean. Point is, we've all had our share of embarrassing nights.

I started rationalizing my drinking. After all, blacking out on my couch and falling asleep seemed like NOTHING compared to spending a night in jail. So by my low standards, everything was fine!

But alcohol is progressive. Bad nights will always come back to haunt you if you keep drinking. It's a total delusion that we can control our alcohol. Yeah, I can remember a FEW times where I successfully had one drink, but compared to all the crazy **** I did that shouldn't even be relevant.

Point is....alcoholism is a totally illogical disorder. You will take any excuse to convince yourself that your drinking is okay, or it's not that bad, or that you've somehow gained control of it.

You have the power anytime, any day to END that crazy cycle and get off that merry go round.

Thanks for posting, I really did need to hear this today as my own AV was acting up around the 4th!

What's up Rayna? I remember a post from you not too long ago that had me thinking you might be headed to a drink or two.

How are you feeling today?

How are you doing today Rayna?

Welcome back to sober train Rayna. Always, you can pick yourself up and move on. Thanks for sharing it will help lot of us to stay sober.

Don't you think you shouldn't have tested this in the first place ? ...just a thought..

Anyways there is always an another try....

Hi Rayna. I'm glad you told us what happened & that you're ok.

I had a few setbacks before I kicked it for good. Each time I went back out, I put myself in more danger - my behavior was more unpredictable than ever. It was frightening how quickly I lost all control. I knew the only way to stay safe was to stop all together. It feels wonderful to be free. No more humiliating, embarrassing incidents. It sounds like you learned something valuable - I'm glad you said you were reminded how stupid drinking is. You can do this, Rayna.

Hi Rayna, I may not have as many sober days under my belt as these previous posters but I will chime in about 'testing' or trying to control the drink.

It DOESN'T work.

Once the switch has flipped in your brain to addicted mode then you are not in control. I arrogantly thought because I had gone two weeks without a drink I was in control so I had a few drinks. Within less than a week I was back to drinking stupid amounts of booze.

Went almost a month back in January but it was agony the whole time. I was doing it for someone else but not for me and still massively in denial. Again, when I believed I could control it I was back to where I started, only worse.

Finally a week ago I surrendered and accepted I have a problem with alcohol and I will never be in control again. The alarm bells were ringing years and years ago but I ignored them. Maybe if I had listened then I could have learned to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Now the ship has sailed and I have accepted that.

Bottom line; learn from my mistakes and do not test the bottle. The bottle will win every time and the punishments will get more and more severe.

Work with them and they will help, but you need to be willing and honest :)

Hey Rayna. I am very glad you're back. Remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Whenever I went back to the drink after some sobriety things just got worse and the consequences became greater. Kindling is a real phenomena. The first time I quit at age 30 it wasn't horribly difficult, just somewhat uncomfortable; I went back to drink 15 years later and when I quit after five hellish years I had horrifying audiovisual hallucinations and a couple of seizures. I spent 2 weeks in hospital and 2 months in rehab. Even that wasn't enough to convince me of sobriety so when I drank after 3 years sober the first night I ended up smashing my car into a concrete barrier in a suicide attempt--I nearly succeeded. I will not tempt fate again, and I treasure my sobriety now like a rare gemstone. July will be my 31st month sober.
I hope you hop back on the sober train and not test it again--failing that test comes at too great a cost. Sending you love and light and lots of encouragement.

I can understand the timing and walking right into that fatal first drink. It happens to alcholics who don't yet have an effective defense. Something similar happened to a guy I was sponsoring. He had about three months up and was very serious about sobriety.

He went home after work one friday evening. When he got there, there was a bit of a party going on. Some frineds had come over to his house, a perfectly normal thing to happen at his place. As he came in the door, a friend handed him a beer, another perfectly normal thing. He said thanks and without a thought, the galss was on its way to his mouth. All his defences were inoperable in that moment.

There was nothing planned about this, and nothing out of the ordinary in terms of his usual home life. The problem had arisen in the first few seconds after he arrived home. As it happens, his sister was close by and knocked the glass out of his hand before he could drink any. Luckily, she knew what he had been trying to do, and she saved the day.

That was a close shave. It is easy to see how it could have gone the other way.

I totally intended to drink. I knew it came with the territory of where I was going and what I was doing on a holiday. What I failed at was forgetting how much even a little bit of booze would affect me after so long. I’m still embaressed by what happened in the bathroom. 3 weeks of nothing will do that to you. But I didn’t drink last night, I went to dinner with friends tonight and had a perfectly normal water-only night. It’s situational. All is well.