ETW

After being sober for 5 years, I relapsed in 2016. I for some reason thought since I was 25, my addiction was related to being "young" or "immature." I was wrong ... addiction is not something to be taken lightly.

I've been drinking pretty much every day since I relapsed. Since I manage to keep everything together, those close to me don't realize how serious my drinking problem has become (again). The longest I've gone without drinking since then is about a week and a half. As soon as I start feeling good, I tend to think fall back in the routine of drinking. Why I do this, I don't know? Why if I'm feeling so much better... doing so much better, do I fall back into drinking -- all the while knowing it brings nothing but negativity & pain. I originally stopped drinking the initial time with rehab and thinking I should do it again because I no matter how strong I think I am, trying to do it alone isn't working.

Thank you for letting me share .. <3

Ghostlight1

Sorry about your relapse after five years. If rehab did work, as you say, it may be the answer again.
I relapsed for ten yeas trying to quit. Like you, as soon as I felt better I drank again. Again and again and again.
I feel your pain. As you know sobriety is possible. You're living proof.
Best to you.

least

I relapsed over and over until I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. We do recover. Keep trying. Don't give up.

Hevyn

Hi ETW. I'm so glad you're here. We all understand what you're going through.

I never understood why I did it either. I guess I was looking for the fun & relaxation that it once was. Those days were long gone, though. I drank for 30 yrs. I'm very happy you are going to reclaim your life at a much younger age, and won't have the regret & remorse that many of us feel. You can do it!

tomsteve

I originally stopped drinking the initial time with rehab and thinking I should do it again because I no matter how strong I think I am, trying to do it alone isn't working.


this is an excellent observation and i hope ya run with it.

Dee74

HI ETW

I dunno why you do it but I wanted my cake and eat it too - not drinking felt good but so maybe drinking could make me feel even better?

Totally bogus logic, not backed up any evidence or data, but I bought the lie willingly because no change is always easier than change..

If you're ready for change you'll find a ton of support here

D

Berrybean

Great that you're considering checking back in.

How about trying AA again and getting a sponsor and working the program as well. Meetings themselves weren't the recovery program. You could get to a meeting today or tomorrow, so no need to put anything off while waiting to get into Rehab.

BB

Numblady

Welcome. Agree with Dee you’ll find tons of support here if you are ready to change. You can post before you drink and wise people help you see why it’s a bad idea. I think the other thing that may be helpful is reading stories of others who, like you, were “holding it together” but eventually either decide that’s not good enough for them and they want to start really living and/or alcohol’s grip tightens and tightens as time goes on to the point the situation looks more like a stereotypical rock bottom. And then they decide (hopefully) that’s not good enough and they don’t want to live that way anymore. And they too want to start really living. Which is impossible to do when booze holds so much power. What I mean to say is the old saying that even though the elevator only goes down you can get off before it gets to the bottom.

It seems like you are ready. And folks here are ready to support you as you go along.

january161992

how are you today ETW?

ETW

Hey January - thanks for asking. <3 I'd have to say I'm doing much better than the day I initially posted. I haven't had a drink since, thankfully. This last 'withdrawal' phase was .. the worst I've had. From what I've read, it seems the withdrawals will only get worse each time I start and stop. As I mentioned, once I feel better, I tend to start drinking again - I for some reason thought I could ..just have one or drink moderately. But the reality for me is, 1 turns into another .. into another and 3 days later of heavy drinking, I'm back to square one, feeling terrible. So at this point, I'm accepting I can't even have one. I didn't want to initially accept that .. I wanted to believe I was able to 'control' my drinking.. but I can't. And that's okay ... it is what it is. I don't anticipate this first month to be easy and I'll most likely be posting here fairly often... but I haven't been this determined to stop since the initial time I was sober for five years. Since it was my first time stopping back then, I was curious to see if I could start again and maintain 'control.' Nope ... just not for me.

Thanks all so much for your support! I appreciate it beyond what words can describe ...

Meraviglioso

Welcome to SR, we're glad to have you here seeking support. You sound very smart to have realised that you cannot drink in moderation and sobriety is the only option. Keep leaning on us for support. You can do this.

Gottalife

Well done on the five years. To just do rehab and last taht long is very good going. I think I lasted somewhere between five and ten weeks.

My problem was the rehab gave me a start, but I didn't have anything in place to help me stay stopped. Stopping was always easy, I did it hundreds of times, but I could not stay stopped.

To take up Dee's use of the word data, the available data to me was a mixed bag. Some I could retain like my experience generally told me sobriety was a miserable affair. The other experience that was retained at an irrational level of importance was the memory of what alcohol once did for me. The most important data, what alcohol did to me, seemed to be periodically subject to file lock. When I needed it most, the screen went blank.

The AA big book talks quite a lot of the idea many alcoholics get that, after a time sober, it should be ok to drink again. So your experience is not unusual.

The time I got sober for good I turned down rehab. Not because it might not be a good thing, but because I really felt I had to take responsibility for my life and not look to the rehab to fix me. I wanted to stay out in the world. I didn't think there was much hope for me, many things had been tried and failed, so I thought I would try the one thing left, AA. It worked and gave me permanent recovery. I started by spending some time with a recovered alcoholic who answered all my questions and explained what it was all about. Then I went to my first meeting.

HealthyK

I'm in very much the same boat. Except I keep relapsing (about once a week). I get over the hangover and then once I start feeling better, I think I'm okay and can handle a beer or two when I'm out. And then - BAM, blackout. My therapist and I have talked about the fact that the addiction is present even when the symptoms aren't there, even when you don't want a drink. For me, those are the hardest times.

And I hate the fact that I can't control it - I really resent it, and that's part of why I struggle so much. Just figure I would share that in case it helped any. Day 3 for me (giving recovery a try again and hopefully for good this time). Keep on trying!

Dee74

Welcome back HealthyK

what about looking at some of the group threads - Class of July support thread, 24 hour thread, weekender thread - and posting there regularly?


It was doing stuff like that that helped me break that cycle of feeling good again and going back to drinking.

D