The poison still has its hold on me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
The poison still has its hold on me.
Hello SR. Writing here from a position of failure.
On Friday night i managed to throw away the 61 days i had up my sleeve.
I rented an apartment in the city for 3 nights to get away from the boredom that surrounding me at home. I really wanted to just go out and enjoy the city, i felt so crap at home just sitting there, like in a jail cell.
for a few hours i abstained and was pretty happy to not drink. But as the night went on out of nowhere i had a drink in my hand and of course my conversation skills improved and that was it, i drank all night.
My tolerance is still the same after 2 months, which i found surprising.
so i spent Friday and Saturday night getting obliterated in nightclubs. Just sitting there and drinking amongst all these people, it was very weird. I didn't speak to anyone Saturday night but i just sat there amongst them drinking.
What i learned from all this is that i have not addressed any of my emotional issues, in the space of 2 months. i have bottled them up quite deep instead because i nearly broke down at one point when i was just sitting there drinking amongst all these people in a nightclub.
I think it was obvious because i had a few random people telling me iam acting strangely i remember.
So yes i obviously drink due to some deep down bottled up emotions that i cant seem to even pinpoint. For the last 10 years in my life i have needed to go out on an adventure and get absolutely wasted at least every month or two, ive always needed that release for some reason.
ive also done this in my relationship with my partner being at home and she didn't not suspect that i was out by myself getting absolutely hammered.
Before my 2 months, this was deemed as normal for me, i didn't see that this lifestyle is very wrong in many ways. Now have 2 months has shown me that its a very wrong lifestyle.
I am seeing that Addiction is not a light-hearted matter, it truly changes who you are as a person.
on a bright note, all the alcohol i had left in the fridge in the morning I tipped out.
But did i enjoy it? well iam an alcoholic so of course i did. It wasnt a planned thing, or a "one last time" type of thing, it was more that i knew it was gonna happen because i put myself in that city night scene position.
So when the veteran SR members say " dont put yourself in a position where you might drink" they are dammed right, you have no idea how fast your thinking changes and sobriety suddenly means nothing when in that moment.
On Friday night i managed to throw away the 61 days i had up my sleeve.
I rented an apartment in the city for 3 nights to get away from the boredom that surrounding me at home. I really wanted to just go out and enjoy the city, i felt so crap at home just sitting there, like in a jail cell.
for a few hours i abstained and was pretty happy to not drink. But as the night went on out of nowhere i had a drink in my hand and of course my conversation skills improved and that was it, i drank all night.
My tolerance is still the same after 2 months, which i found surprising.
so i spent Friday and Saturday night getting obliterated in nightclubs. Just sitting there and drinking amongst all these people, it was very weird. I didn't speak to anyone Saturday night but i just sat there amongst them drinking.
What i learned from all this is that i have not addressed any of my emotional issues, in the space of 2 months. i have bottled them up quite deep instead because i nearly broke down at one point when i was just sitting there drinking amongst all these people in a nightclub.
I think it was obvious because i had a few random people telling me iam acting strangely i remember.
So yes i obviously drink due to some deep down bottled up emotions that i cant seem to even pinpoint. For the last 10 years in my life i have needed to go out on an adventure and get absolutely wasted at least every month or two, ive always needed that release for some reason.
ive also done this in my relationship with my partner being at home and she didn't not suspect that i was out by myself getting absolutely hammered.
Before my 2 months, this was deemed as normal for me, i didn't see that this lifestyle is very wrong in many ways. Now have 2 months has shown me that its a very wrong lifestyle.
I am seeing that Addiction is not a light-hearted matter, it truly changes who you are as a person.
on a bright note, all the alcohol i had left in the fridge in the morning I tipped out.
But did i enjoy it? well iam an alcoholic so of course i did. It wasnt a planned thing, or a "one last time" type of thing, it was more that i knew it was gonna happen because i put myself in that city night scene position.
So when the veteran SR members say " dont put yourself in a position where you might drink" they are dammed right, you have no idea how fast your thinking changes and sobriety suddenly means nothing when in that moment.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear that Renvate, but glad you came back and got rid of the alcohol in your house. I think the most telling thing is your comment that you have not addressed any of your emotional issues during your sober stretch. That can be a real killer as many of us equate alcohol as a solution to said problems - which of course it is not. It's also why you hear so many people around here reinforcing the concept of having a "plan". Quitting the act of ingesting alcohol is a very important part of that plan, but it's only the very beginning of course. Addressing our underlying emotional/mental issues is very important in our recovery process too. Have you considered seeking professional help for said issues?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Renvate 
It wasnt a planned thing, or a "one last time" type of thing, it was more that i knew it was gonna happen because i put myself in that city night scene position.
Not sure what the takeaway is for you. You aren't drinking now. That's a plus. I hope you can start engaging in the kind of recovery work that will assure you sober time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I think it was a lot more planned than you'll admit. Relapses tend to happen well in advance. If your had posted you plans, we "veteran" SR members would have probably advised against it. But then you know that. So you didn't post. Because you planned to go out to the clubs and you wanted to drink.
Not sure what the takeaway is for you. You aren't drinking now. That's a plus. I hope you can start engaging in the kind of recovery work that will assure you sober time.
Not sure what the takeaway is for you. You aren't drinking now. That's a plus. I hope you can start engaging in the kind of recovery work that will assure you sober time.
Not sure what the takeaway is either, perhaps I have a very good lesson on how strongly iam addicted. When I said I enjoyed it i didn't mean that arrogantly or with defiance, I meant that my brain is hooked on alcohol. I now see what addiction really is, something is missing in your mind that your brain can't naturally produce.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if i may be so bold, i think there are some answers twirled up in this statement:
to get away from the boredom that surrounding me at home. I really wanted to just go out and enjoy the city, i felt so crap at home just sitting there, like in a jail cell.
to get away from the boredom that surrounding me at home. I really wanted to just go out and enjoy the city, i felt so crap at home just sitting there, like in a jail cell.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
That was planned before you went out there. If you reached out and told some of us that you were going to the city to escape lots of alarms would have went off.
It is hard , we drank because the **** worked, then it turned against us.
I’m not a veteran here , will have 8 months on July 4th God willling. Emotionally probably still 18 , I’m 54 now. Feeling pretty good now but I still can’t manage my mind at times.
Everyday I keep myself busy , chores, recreation etc . Some days it’s really boring but I walk through it.
Sorry for rambling , I used to be so good at expressing myself, still fried I guess. Last thing AA has really been helpful, steps, Sponser etc.
Welcome back.
It is hard , we drank because the **** worked, then it turned against us.
I’m not a veteran here , will have 8 months on July 4th God willling. Emotionally probably still 18 , I’m 54 now. Feeling pretty good now but I still can’t manage my mind at times.
Everyday I keep myself busy , chores, recreation etc . Some days it’s really boring but I walk through it.
Sorry for rambling , I used to be so good at expressing myself, still fried I guess. Last thing AA has really been helpful, steps, Sponser etc.
Welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
In order to stop drinking I had to get brutally honest with myself. If I don't call myself out on my own bs, who will?
I have also realized that my abstinence, for me, is not contingent upon anything. This made quitting pretty simple. Any issues I have, emotional or otherwise, will be there whether I drink or not. Making my abstinence contingent on some state of mind, or some other person or thing just maks everything so darn complicated. Quitting is an action in and of itself. I can feel shlitty, bored, lonely, angry, happy, sad, up, down, antsy, calm......and still not drink.
Quitting is just that. The rest is learning to cope with life.
I have also realized that my abstinence, for me, is not contingent upon anything. This made quitting pretty simple. Any issues I have, emotional or otherwise, will be there whether I drink or not. Making my abstinence contingent on some state of mind, or some other person or thing just maks everything so darn complicated. Quitting is an action in and of itself. I can feel shlitty, bored, lonely, angry, happy, sad, up, down, antsy, calm......and still not drink.
Quitting is just that. The rest is learning to cope with life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Do you and your SO live together? I'm confused(kinda) on why you didn't plan a getaway/staycation with them if you were truly bored..unless the sole intention was to get trashed 'in the city' on your on. Which sounds very boring in itself btw. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
But did i enjoy it? well iam an alcoholic so of course i did.
did you honestly enjoy it? it seems if you did ya wouldnt say
[I] it truly changes who you are as a person. [/I
or
they are dammed right, you have no idea how fast your thinking changes and sobriety suddenly means nothing when in that moment.
or
i nearly broke down at one point when i was just sitting there drinking amongst all these people in a nightclub.
did you honestly enjoy it? it seems if you did ya wouldnt say
[I] it truly changes who you are as a person. [/I
or
they are dammed right, you have no idea how fast your thinking changes and sobriety suddenly means nothing when in that moment.
or
i nearly broke down at one point when i was just sitting there drinking amongst all these people in a nightclub.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Renvate
Its interesting you spoke about a jail cell cos thats how I thought of my life for a long time.
It turns out I didn't need to go anywhere to escape the cell, I just needed to stop holding the door shut
welcome back
D
Its interesting you spoke about a jail cell cos thats how I thought of my life for a long time.
It turns out I didn't need to go anywhere to escape the cell, I just needed to stop holding the door shut
welcome back
D
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