It’s 4:17 in the morning....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 754
Hi Horn. I totally understand your situation. My husband frequently goes out and then just doesn’t come home. ( Not so much any more thankfully.) He gets really drunk and crashes at his friends house always forgetting to call me.
Obviously I would freak out and then when he would show up I’d be so angry and we’d fight and my emotions were all over the place. Then I’d drink and blame him.
Now if that happens I pray to God (my HP) and release my husband to Him. I thank God that I am sober and my children have a parent who is present and can be there for them. I also pray for my husband. He has a drinking problem just like I do but he hasn’t been able to stay sober so I look at him as a sick man. It took a while but I no longer worry or get angry at him When he gets home.
Not sure if any of this is helpful but just know that I’ve been there and I get it. 💕
Obviously I would freak out and then when he would show up I’d be so angry and we’d fight and my emotions were all over the place. Then I’d drink and blame him.
Now if that happens I pray to God (my HP) and release my husband to Him. I thank God that I am sober and my children have a parent who is present and can be there for them. I also pray for my husband. He has a drinking problem just like I do but he hasn’t been able to stay sober so I look at him as a sick man. It took a while but I no longer worry or get angry at him When he gets home.
Not sure if any of this is helpful but just know that I’ve been there and I get it. 💕
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Horn - As I've read through this thread I have pondered what I would be feeling if I was in your shoes. I would be ticked. There is no excuse other than if your wife was in jail or *worse* in a hospital, for her not to call you (or text, a chickensh*t way of explaining but better than nothing).
I'd be very hurt if my spouse was acting like this (going out drinking with her buddies and staying out all night) while I was working on my sobriety. Please stay as focused as you can on YOU.
I'd be very hurt if my spouse was acting like this (going out drinking with her buddies and staying out all night) while I was working on my sobriety. Please stay as focused as you can on YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Well there is a lot to be said here. But I'm not in your shoes, or her shoes so I don't know what you should do.
I can say from personal experience that when I'm very frustrated and angry it is best that I hold my tongue. Pause when agitated. I have learned that anything I say to anyone in a state of frustration never works out well. Never. I might feel I have a 'right' to say something. It might even feel good in the moment, but it never works out well. Every time I wait, hold my tongue, calm down, listen (I have 2 ears and one mouth after all) things work out much better. I can always speak my peace a couple days later. That opportunity never goes away. But often times I find it unnecessary after I've cooled down.
I also hate powerlessness. Especially with someone I love dearly. But powerless I am. Often times my most regretful reactions come from a place of powerlessness....that desire to gain control. That is an illusion.
And last. No one cares about my abstinence. There is no amount of time where I'm suddenly thought of in a different light. I've been sober over a year this time. No one gives a shlit.
But they sure will care if I drink. That's just how it is. I'm ok with that. Because I care.
I can say from personal experience that when I'm very frustrated and angry it is best that I hold my tongue. Pause when agitated. I have learned that anything I say to anyone in a state of frustration never works out well. Never. I might feel I have a 'right' to say something. It might even feel good in the moment, but it never works out well. Every time I wait, hold my tongue, calm down, listen (I have 2 ears and one mouth after all) things work out much better. I can always speak my peace a couple days later. That opportunity never goes away. But often times I find it unnecessary after I've cooled down.
I also hate powerlessness. Especially with someone I love dearly. But powerless I am. Often times my most regretful reactions come from a place of powerlessness....that desire to gain control. That is an illusion.
And last. No one cares about my abstinence. There is no amount of time where I'm suddenly thought of in a different light. I've been sober over a year this time. No one gives a shlit.
But they sure will care if I drink. That's just how it is. I'm ok with that. Because I care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Horn95 
Platitudes are great less. Easier said than done.
I'm telling you that you have to man-up, suck it up and separate the pain your wife is putting you through from the necessity you have to get sober.
Everything is an excuse to drink - the crap you're going through and have been through is cause enough. And life is just going to keep bringing the pain to all of us - loss and suffering is certain.
Your sobriety is one thing. Your wife and her thoughtless ways are another. I feel for you, but this path is yours to walk alone.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.
Can't tell you how many times my first instinct to get back at someone was to drink poison, that'll show em. The only "victim" in this scenario is the child. I'm glad you didn't drink over this and glad you are working on the steps. I would not delay in finishing them. Balking at step 4 led me to an 8 year relapse that almost killed me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Horn,
i get the 'tit-for-tat' sentiment, but acting on it is not useful. to you, or her, or the kid.
the comparing of what she is doing today to what you did or didn't do in your drunkenness or how "bad" you ever were is ultimately not just distracting but destructive to whatever relationship you might have, now and moving forward.
any real-life folks, maybe sponsor, who can help with a more detached perspective?
i get the 'tit-for-tat' sentiment, but acting on it is not useful. to you, or her, or the kid.
the comparing of what she is doing today to what you did or didn't do in your drunkenness or how "bad" you ever were is ultimately not just distracting but destructive to whatever relationship you might have, now and moving forward.
any real-life folks, maybe sponsor, who can help with a more detached perspective?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Horn95
Step 4 talks about resentment. I am resenting the fact, that all during my drunkenness, and now, I have given her and her daughter everything. A beautiful home. A beautiful car. Great school. Paying for her college. Showering her with affection and love. Taking her, her mother, and her daughter in beautiful vacations. Swimming, gymnastics, all the things I was unable to provide my own children. And this is what I get?
I do not deserve THIS.
I do not deserve THIS.
I don't understand being married and not being able to trust your wife. She probably left her phone in her purse and left the purse somewhere like the trunk of a car and shes off having fun or passed out. If you can't trust your wife or let her have a night of fun why is she your wife?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by wastedpotential
This sounds like drunk talk to me. I do so much and shes so mean to me blah blah.
I don't understand being married and not being able to trust your wife. She probably left her phone in her purse and left the purse somewhere like the trunk of a car and shes off having fun or passed out. If you can't trust your wife or let her have a night of fun why is she your wife?
I don't understand being married and not being able to trust your wife. She probably left her phone in her purse and left the purse somewhere like the trunk of a car and shes off having fun or passed out. If you can't trust your wife or let her have a night of fun why is she your wife?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
I agree, Don'tRemember. Maybe I'm old school. The very least her GF's should have helped her out and checked in with Horn.
Horn, I hope you are doing okay, I hope that your wife is okay. I can certainly understand your concerns. I know this is a private time but many of us are curious to know how things turned out if you want to share. Take care, be resolute to your sobriety~
Horn, I hope you are doing okay, I hope that your wife is okay. I can certainly understand your concerns. I know this is a private time but many of us are curious to know how things turned out if you want to share. Take care, be resolute to your sobriety~
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 386
Horn, Sorry for what you are going thru man. That hurts!. Please don't drink over it. It will only make things worse.
First off, your wife should have called no matter what or where she is...she could use million other phones around to just say what is going on...Not knowing creates a million thoughts and you try to tie it to other things ....
Second, She has kids too. She holds responsibility and accountability too.
Third, If you have been honest about what you did. She should be, rather than making up s**t (i am assuming here...she could be honest).
Finally, again, It's not worth wasting yourself drinking, you need to put your vigilance gear on and navigating the further best course of action, keeping kids in mind. You are the best person to decide that.
Overall, staying sober will make you a better decision maker.
First off, your wife should have called no matter what or where she is...she could use million other phones around to just say what is going on...Not knowing creates a million thoughts and you try to tie it to other things ....
Second, She has kids too. She holds responsibility and accountability too.
Third, If you have been honest about what you did. She should be, rather than making up s**t (i am assuming here...she could be honest).
Finally, again, It's not worth wasting yourself drinking, you need to put your vigilance gear on and navigating the further best course of action, keeping kids in mind. You are the best person to decide that.
Overall, staying sober will make you a better decision maker.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
From what I can tell, which isn’t much from a few posts on the internet of course, this sounds like a game.
She’s playing games with you, and perhaps you’ve played games with her in the past? I don’t know, but this is classic manipulation and you’re falling for it.
Some of your responses make me think that perhaps you’ve done the same in the past (“I’ve done all this for you and this is the thanks I get??”) kind of talk makes me wonder.
It’s up to you if you want to keep playing the game(s). The drama can be seductive, the highs and the lows of the fights, accusations, self-righteousness, indignation, etc. All of that produces adrenaline, and it can be exciting.
But it’s most often not one-sided, in my experience. It takes two to tango, so you can play on, or you can quit. And quitting doesn’t necessarily mean divorce. It just means that you take full accountability, real accountability for your actions and stop reacting when she tries to take you back into game mode.
Just my two cents. I’d pick the option that was most conducive to continuing sobriety. Whichever one that is is your business.
She’s playing games with you, and perhaps you’ve played games with her in the past? I don’t know, but this is classic manipulation and you’re falling for it.
Some of your responses make me think that perhaps you’ve done the same in the past (“I’ve done all this for you and this is the thanks I get??”) kind of talk makes me wonder.
It’s up to you if you want to keep playing the game(s). The drama can be seductive, the highs and the lows of the fights, accusations, self-righteousness, indignation, etc. All of that produces adrenaline, and it can be exciting.
But it’s most often not one-sided, in my experience. It takes two to tango, so you can play on, or you can quit. And quitting doesn’t necessarily mean divorce. It just means that you take full accountability, real accountability for your actions and stop reacting when she tries to take you back into game mode.
Just my two cents. I’d pick the option that was most conducive to continuing sobriety. Whichever one that is is your business.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
I hope your wife is OK, Horn.
FWIW, I have learned that, when I'm angry or upset, projecting scenarios ahead of time never works out well. Particularly with loved ones, as one cannot predict their responses or motivations. And where you don't have complete information, it can result in applying the wrong (premeditated) response to a situation. Instead, I usually think through the principles of why I'm upset, what is triggering me, and how I might be able to convey that if I think that'll help. And I adapt when I know what the true situation is.
I also have learned that starting with compassion when it comes to relationships is the most powerful way to elevate a relationship. It helps heal those relationships that are suffering and takes already good relationships to amazing places.
FWIW, I have learned that, when I'm angry or upset, projecting scenarios ahead of time never works out well. Particularly with loved ones, as one cannot predict their responses or motivations. And where you don't have complete information, it can result in applying the wrong (premeditated) response to a situation. Instead, I usually think through the principles of why I'm upset, what is triggering me, and how I might be able to convey that if I think that'll help. And I adapt when I know what the true situation is.
I also have learned that starting with compassion when it comes to relationships is the most powerful way to elevate a relationship. It helps heal those relationships that are suffering and takes already good relationships to amazing places.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
It honestly could take a long, long time to repair the damage caused in your relationship. Healthy communication is key and if contempt and stonewalling have become the norm you're in murky waters. Trust can be re-built but it will take time and effort from both of you. I don't say that to be a downer but so that by managing your expectations in the early days you'll set yourself up for less disappointment. It's also why you really do need to separate your sobriety from her.. Who are you doing this for? You or her? Best to get clear on that now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
sorry to leave you guys. My heart is with you Horn and how (you) might be suffering. But my neighborhood just caught fire today and the wonderful firefighters in the sky are currently helicoptering water buckets from everyone's ponds, trying to save structures, livestock, and other assets (I'm in the PNW). Gives new meaning to (me) what is our base value system. If we lost everything, what is the most important thing to you (Me). Y'all need to figure this out for yourselves. I'm just grateful I have good neighbors. Horn, I pray you are still on course and your wife and you are too. Blessings to all. LS
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