|
Back in- Day 2... The 2nd half of 2018 is going to be freedom I'm praying finally for me. In reality, I'm just focusing on one day at a time, too much pressure to put lofty goals, just one day at a time - hoping it adds up. |
Day Four finished. For the first time since quitting I can honestly say I didn't even think about having a drink today. I did the lunch shift, and I was amazed at how quickly I can do things when I am sober compared to when I was drinking. I had to assemble the ingredients for one of our desserts ready for tomorrow, and before it used to take me about thirty minutes, now it took about ten! During my split I sunbathed in the garden with one of my new library books, before I would be hiding in my room with the blinds closed so my parents wouldn't see I was drinking beer. Instead I got two thirds through this great psychological thriller and got to enjoy this glorious sunshine with a Diet Coke and lemon and lime flavoured water :) During dinner shift the head chef had a bottle of Bud and offered me one. I instantly replied "no thanks" and I genuinely didn't want one. Already my face is looking so much better; puffiness all but gone, dark circles are fainter and my eyes are brighter. I love my job now I am able to do it properly instead of being a miserable, hungover harpie! :D Good start to July! |
Hey July peeps!! Relatively good day today but now I’m feeling blah!! I know this shall pass, and have to just ride it out!! Think I’ll jump in the shower and play some uplifting music! Gotta distract a little. Awareness is the key!! A good nights sleep will do me well. Been sleeping a little better but still not soundly. Hope you all are doing ok! Keep pressing forward. Have a good night/day folks! |
@Minion - apparently sleep problems are very common when heavy drinkers stop. I have had insomnia all my life and it is back with a vengeance! But once this has been ridden out your quality of sleep will be so much better as it is proper sleep as opposed to passing out. I've been reading up about sleep and alcohol and it is fascinating stuff. This is one thing helping me stay on the sober bus - I never want to start at square one again. For the first three days the sweats, mood swings and unable to fall asleep until about 5am were just awful. |
Originally Posted by mirrorball
(Post 6943428)
Sounds like we are in a similar place Futurehope, I had a bit of a watershed moment last weekend, came home at 8 am after a bender on cocaine, kids were playing in the garden and I was too wasted to interact with them, just sat there crying. Husband disappointed in me... he is being supportive now I have given up but I cannot expect his support to continue if I let him down again. Since then deleted all numbers/contacts. A part of me still wants to do it, but a bigger part of me wants to be free of it, permanently. Really think it's my time now after 10 years a cokehead, if I don't do it now I don't know if I ever will... it's never gonna get any easier and probably a whole lot harder. I've made a commitment that it's not me anymore, I have to appreciate everything I've got and alcohol no longer plays a part in that. If I let the AV take control, it's a slippery slope back and I will lose everything that means anything to me. Let the bigger part take control mirrorball - I've heard it gets better. Early days yet but I know it will get better. We have a week!! :) |
When the AV comes calling, as it is a lot now it is in its death throws, I just think to myself - would I honestly freely choose this? Would I choose to dial my dealer when I have work the next day and know I'll be up all night and in no fit state to work? Would I choose to spend money on this when I'm already skint and need to buy things for my children? Would I choose to lie to my loving, trusting husband? Would I choose to ignore my kids because I'm on a comedown and haven't slept- or worse, shout at them? Would I choose to feel ill and grotty and tired for days afterwards when I have a life to lead, things to do? Would I choose to risk death by OD which would ruin my childrens' lives leading them to grow up without a mother, just a memory of someone who they would always resent? I'd never choose a life that involved these things if I had a free choice. But for many years I did choose this life, as the addiction took away from me that free choice and made me choose it! But no more! I want to have the ability to make free choices again! |
Originally Posted by mirrorball
(Post 6943964)
When the AV comes calling, as it is a lot now it is in its death throws, I just think to myself - would I honestly freely choose this? Would I choose to dial my dealer when I have work the next day and know I'll be up all night and in no fit state to work? Would I choose to spend money on this when I'm already skint and need to buy things for my children? Would I choose to lie to my loving, trusting husband? Would I choose to ignore my kids because I'm on a comedown and haven't slept- or worse, shout at them? Would I choose to feel ill and grotty and tired for days afterwards when I have a life to lead, things to do? Would I choose to risk death by OD which would ruin my childrens' lives leading them to grow up without a mother, just a memory of someone who they would always resent? I'd never choose a life that involved these things if I had a free choice. But for many years I did choose this life, as the addiction took away from me that free choice and made me choose it! But no more! I want to have the ability to make free choices again! I'm reaffirming the winning decision to say NO, never again. There's no place for all that BS in my life now. I hope that with each time I say NO, the AV will back down a little more and over time, he will no longer have a say. |
In the past I have argued with my AV, the last time I used in fact I ended up doing some work in the town where my dealer lives and the AV started trying to persuade me to call him up. I kept saying 'no, I can't afford it' or 'no I'll just feel bad tomorrow' but it didn't work and the more I thought about why I shouldn't do it the more it seemed to get a hold of me and persuaded me. Now, I keep thinking ''no' is a complete sentence. I know the reasons why I have stopped.. my AV will never respect those reasons so why try to rationalise with it? Life is full of goodbyes, some good, some bad.... I know as time passes I'll get used to the idea of never using again even though it feels difficult at the moment. I know in time, my brain won't think this way any longer and then I'll be truly free. We just gotta see it out and get through the pain barrier! |
yeah I stopped wasting time arguing with myself. No is the only outcome :) D |
Hi everyone Joining in. Have been high functioning but realising that things are getting worse.....nowhere near enough to lose my family etc but certainly affecting my wellbeing, my work and certainly making me anxious and generally feeling very unwell. I am blessed with a gorgeous family. I now admit (well I have before) I have a problem, drinking every night and drinking from lunch time on the weekends. Often not quite remembering things. I can see how it has caused disconnect and major apathy. I stopped before and did well for 6 weeks. It's when the complacency sets in and the thought it can be managed in moderation. Also a realisation that I have had a few hard years has impacted my life (with lots of highlights though). Alcohol is a problem. Just love it though and it seems to be tied into so many of our life events. So many wonderful memories! Drinking on the balconies on the Almalfi coast, celebrations. Somehow, though, it's become a problem which is related to some trauma but also life is then made worse by the alcohol. I no longer can just have a few glasses at a time. It's hard to think too far ahead as it's a sense of grief and loss. Day 2 today. Few stressful events today have made this a hard day. Didn't sleep well last night. Feeling very down. I hope that things will improve - actually I know they will be just a bit of a struggle now. Anyway thanks for listening! Looking forward to sharing the journey. |
Day 9 feeling good making sure i leave the past where it belongs behind me. Finally able to play with my daughter and not make myself because i know it is the right thing to do. I actually want to and having fun and laughing. I never was abale to do that before with out atleast 3 beers in me to have fun. 2nd day no smoking cigarettes too thats a beast of its own blaa. Hope all doing well. |
Good Morning, Ahhh, so nice to wake up with no regrets 🌞 |
Originally Posted by mirrorball
(Post 6943997)
In the past I have argued with my AV, the last time I used in fact I ended up doing some work in the town where my dealer lives and the AV started trying to persuade me to call him up. I kept saying 'no, I can't afford it' or 'no I'll just feel bad tomorrow' but it didn't work and the more I thought about why I shouldn't do it the more it seemed to get a hold of me and persuaded me. Now, I keep thinking ''no' is a complete sentence. I know the reasons why I have stopped.. my AV will never respect those reasons so why try to rationalise with it? Life is full of goodbyes, some good, some bad.... I know as time passes I'll get used to the idea of never using again even though it feels difficult at the moment. I know in time, my brain won't think this way any longer and then I'll be truly free. We just gotta see it out and get through the pain barrier! |
Day 1 Good Morning Everyone :) Today is the day! I look forward to getting to know you all. ~BF |
My addictive voice is really struggling today, keeps trying to persuade me that I can do it occasionally, it wasn't that bad, and what do i mean I can never do it again??? In the past I have felt 'owned' by my addiction, it called all the shots/commanded me and now I am saying no to it... well, it really doesn't like it. At all. The very fact that I am finding it so hard to give up is the exact reason I need to. This thing has a very strong hold on me, I never realised how strong until I gave up permanently. In the past I've had breaks but always kept the door open for future use. Welcome Ainee - I'd say from my experience, to embrace the sense of grief and loss. It's a sign that you're serious about quitting. I've really been grieving the loss of 'party me' this last week, but I'm just trying to get through with the faith that if I just hang on in there, it will get better soon. |
[QUOTE=mirrorball;6944265]My addictive voice is really struggling today, keeps trying to persuade me that I can do it occasionally, it wasn't that bad, and what do i mean I can never do it again??? In the past I have felt 'owned' by my addiction, it called all the shots/commanded me and now I am saying no to it... well, it really doesn't like it. At all. The very fact that I am finding it so hard to give up is the exact reason I need to. This thing has a very strong hold on me] I totally get that voice - that feeling. The persuasion saying I think I can do this and be normal and it won't be bad... the fact that the verse is in my head non-stop proves to me that I'm not normal, who thinks that thought all the time? Someone who wants to drink. Me. Good for you for choosing to power through and ignore the voice. I am giving it my all. Day 3. :a043: |
[QUOTE=SurvivorK;6944343]
Originally Posted by mirrorball
(Post 6944265)
My addictive voice is really struggling today, keeps trying to persuade me that I can do it occasionally, it wasn't that bad, and what do i mean I can never do it again??? In the past I have felt 'owned' by my addiction, it called all the shots/commanded me and now I am saying no to it... well, it really doesn't like it. At all. The very fact that I am finding it so hard to give up is the exact reason I need to. This thing has a very strong hold on me] I totally get that voice - that feeling. The persuasion saying I think I can do this and be normal and it won't be bad... the fact that the verse is in my head non-stop proves to me that I'm not normal, who thinks that thought all the time? Someone who wants to drink. Me. Good for you for choosing to power through and ignore the voice. I am giving it my all. Day 3. :a043: But I am strong too.. I know the only way out is through and I really don't want to feel for the rest of my life like this thing owns me. I want to be a free person again. Hey.. is the little picture on your post showing you beating up your AV? Love it! |
DAY 3 NEARLY OVER, yesterday was tough but today has been better, this site is really helping me get through the tough bits. :tyou |
Day 6. Beautiful, sunny day. Patios are filling up along the street. Would love to sit down and have a pint under an umbrella. However, I realize that I would be sitting by myself since I have no one to drink with so I would decide to just drink alone in my air-conditioned apartment with the blinds drawn. Not exactly summer-time fun.... I always get waves of nostalgia as I dream up wistful memories of years gone by. So easy to romanticize drinking. I never think of my trips to the ER or the nights in jail I spent though... |
England is in party mode tonight! I was at work but managed to catch the extra time and the final winning goal...with a lovely, iced water with fruit slices. Think there will be quite a few sore heads tomorrow in this country! Will enjoy waking up feeling fresh :D |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:19 PM. |