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Mental health and addiction and marrage

Old 06-29-2018, 07:31 PM
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Mental health and addiction and marrage

I have multiple diagnoses including borderline personality and bipolar 2. Many doctors and therapist have told me both are very similar so I am aware. I was in what I called a "remission" from cutting for almost 10 years. However, almost 2 and a half years I met my husband and on March 3rd I found out he was an alcoholic. He was living a double life. I broke. He got out of rehab and rejected me. On Monday it will be 3 weeks since we've spoken. It's killing me.

During our relationship he got into a head on collision due to alcohol. No one knew. So he had a TBI. He kept drinking but no one knew. Then he had a seizure and we all found out he's an alcoholic. We got him into rehab. I took care of him through thick and thin. My father died of cancer yet I still took care of him. My horse of 22 years passed but I still took care of him. I delt with doctors, nurses, insurance people, social workers, the government, planned our wedding, was his family communicator, moved in with his father, and did it all with love. We were a team. I supported him mentally. I could go on and on.

So how does he need a break? How does he not love me anymore? How can he just look at me like I'm crazy? How can he tell me he cant hold my hand bc it's akward? How does being an alcoholic give him a free pass?
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Old 06-29-2018, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Caryhansen View Post
I have multiple diagnoses including borderline personality and bipolar 2. Many doctors and therapist have told me both are very similar so I am aware. I was in what I called a "remission" from cutting for almost 10 years. However, almost 2 and a half years I met my husband and on March 3rd I found out he was an alcoholic. He was living a double life. I broke. He got out of rehab and rejected me. On Monday it will be 3 weeks since we've spoken. It's killing me.

During our relationship he got into a head on collision due to alcohol. No one knew. So he had a TBI. He kept drinking but no one knew. Then he had a seizure and we all found out he's an alcoholic. We got him into rehab. I took care of him through thick and thin. My father died of cancer yet I still took care of him. My horse of 22 years passed but I still took care of him. I delt with doctors, nurses, insurance people, social workers, the government, planned our wedding, was his family communicator, moved in with his father, and did it all with love. We were a team. I supported him mentally. I could go on and on.

So how does he need a break? How does he not love me anymore? How can he just look at me like I'm crazy? How can he tell me he cant hold my hand bc it's akward? How does being an alcoholic give him a free pass?
It doesn't give him a pass at all. Why do you feel it does? Get on with your own life and work on yourself in whatever way that may be. If it works out..great! If it doesn't..you'll both be better equiped to handle it in a mature/sane fashion,as much as possible,because breaking up sucks in general. BUT..you'll move on to whatever life YOU(and him aswell) built,while working on yourselves either way.
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Old 06-29-2018, 08:07 PM
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It would appear that he wants to drink more than he wants to be with you. It seems as if you've been the one putting in all the effort in the marriage, he seems to have little invested in it.

Being an alcoholic does not give him a 'free pass' for unacceptable behavior.
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Old 06-29-2018, 08:25 PM
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sorry to read what brings you here. there isn't anything in your post that would indicate that you were a team. maybe you left out some things that he did to benefit you so I won't judge. it does sound like he has made up his mind tho. take care of yourself. unfortunately these things happen.
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Old 06-29-2018, 11:45 PM
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Do you have anyone you can talk with and who can give you some emotional support right now Cary?

For someone with BPD this must be extremely difficult.

Please keep checking in with us.
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Old 06-30-2018, 12:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Caryhansen View Post
I have multiple diagnoses including borderline personality and bipolar 2. Many doctors and therapist have told me both are very similar so I am aware. I was in what I called a "remission" from cutting for almost 10 years. However, almost 2 and a half years I met my husband and on March 3rd I found out he was an alcoholic. He was living a double life. I broke. He got out of rehab and rejected me. On Monday it will be 3 weeks since we've spoken. It's killing me.

During our relationship he got into a head on collision due to alcohol. No one knew. So he had a TBI. He kept drinking but no one knew. Then he had a seizure and we all found out he's an alcoholic. We got him into rehab. I took care of him through thick and thin. My father died of cancer yet I still took care of him. My horse of 22 years passed but I still took care of him. I delt with doctors, nurses, insurance people, social workers, the government, planned our wedding, was his family communicator, moved in with his father, and did it all with love. We were a team. I supported him mentally. I could go on and on.

So how does he need a break? How does he not love me anymore? How can he just look at me like I'm crazy? How can he tell me he cant hold my hand bc it's akward? How does being an alcoholic give him a free pass?
Maybe its not that he doesn't love you, but more that he needs to learn to look after himself and be responsible for himself. That can be tricky to do when someone is inclined to do it all for us. If he is going to get well, his OWN mentality needs to be worked on. None of us stay sober long term by someone else looking after us.

Have you considered AlAnon at all? It might be worth googling and trying some meetings in your area.

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