wist·ful ˈwis(t)fəl/: having or showing a feeling of vague or regretful longing - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 06-29-2018, 09:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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wist·ful ˈwis(t)fəl/: having or showing a feeling of vague or regretful longing


Funny how the mind plays its tricks and its games.

Solid in sobriety now, certain I'm never drinking again and yet...something triggered this fun, silly memory of sharing a bottle of wine with my wife when we first met, on a bus to a beach house we were staying at with friends, sipping from the bottle in the back seat of the bus. I remembered the exciting, flirty, hazy, drunk feeling I had with her. It was a fun ride, a sweet memory.

Then I felt sad, sad for myself. "You'll never have that again", I thought. I thought "you'll never be able to give her that kind of fun, careless, drunk time again" and I felt wistful self-pity.

Of course next I thought of all the lies and the tears on my wife's face and the fights and pain and the vomit and the sheer horror of being up at 3am in a state of pure panic, the shame, the lies, the wasted money, the wasted mornings, betraying the person I wanted to be, hurting my son, the lies, all the actual psychic and spiritual and physical GARBAGE that accumulated in my life as a result of all the bottles of poison I honored and cherished and sacrificed to.

So that fixed that.
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Old 06-29-2018, 11:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I fell in love a year ago. Lots of sweet memories. Lots of amazing, heart-in-my-mouth, can-this-be-real feelings. We had lots of flirting, lots of fun, and not a care in the world. (World, what world?)

What does Joni Mitchell sing? Moons and Junes and ferris wheels / That dizzy dancing way you feel / As every fairy tale comes real.

I fell in love that way and I was stone cold sober and every moment of that beautiful time is etched in my memory. I would not trade it for any of my drunken affairs or dalliances.
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Old 06-30-2018, 12:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks MissP. I needed to hear that as well.

I readily admit that drinking was a huge amount of fun. Until it wasn't. And the wasn't is the reality from here on out. So I don't bother.

Looking forward to falling in love sober. So far I like flirting, dating and sex much more sober than I did in any altered state. Have only fallen in like or in lust, but it's a'comin.

LG, make new memories with your wife that are far better than the drunken antics of youth.

(Does that sound old and bitter? "The drunken antics of youth." Did I REALLY just say that? While you're at it, GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!)
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Old 06-30-2018, 05:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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While you're at it, GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!)
I feel ‘ya. I was pondering less’ post yesterday, thinking how the days of “fun” drinking are firmly behind me. Proven by years of miserable drinking.

They are in the past, just like being able to get out of bed without creaking, like being able to stay up past 10 o’clock and not be exhausted the next day, like how my butt **used** to look in those levi’s in college.

I guess it is human nature to want to hold on to the good things from the past, hazy drunken memories or otherwise. But oh my, what a quiet joy it is to just accept who and what I am today, and try to make the most of what I have. Kind of like the adage, “I don’t want to look young, I just want to look good.” I guess spiritually, I’ll fight the curmudgeonly old woman inside me, though it’s there. So, “GET OFF OFF MY LAWN, please.”
-bora
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Old 06-30-2018, 05:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Excellent post sir. Very accurate picture of alcoholism. Well done. The panic attacks were enough to put me over the edge. Never again.
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Old 06-30-2018, 05:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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lessgravity: liked your post, and was impressed with the inverted ‘e.’
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Old 06-30-2018, 08:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Funny how the mind plays its tricks and its games.

Solid in sobriety now, certain I'm never drinking again and yet...something triggered this fun, silly memory of sharing a bottle of wine with my wife when we first met, on a bus to a beach house we were staying at with friends, sipping from the bottle in the back seat of the bus. I remembered the exciting, flirty, hazy, drunk feeling I had with her. It was a fun ride, a sweet memory.

Then I felt sad, sad for myself. "You'll never have that again", I thought. I thought "you'll never be able to give her that kind of fun, careless, drunk time again" and I felt wistful self-pity.

Of course next I thought of all the lies and the tears on my wife's face and the fights and pain and the vomit and the sheer horror of being up at 3am in a state of pure panic, the shame, the lies, the wasted money, the wasted mornings, betraying the person I wanted to be, hurting my son, the lies, all the actual psychic and spiritual and physical GARBAGE that accumulated in my life as a result of all the bottles of poison I honored and cherished and sacrificed to.

So that fixed that.
Thank you for this post LG. I also struggle with random feelings of loss for the fun times associated with drinking. Despite knowing 100% that those days are gone and drinking will always bring nothing but misery to me going forward, the melancholy longing for how it used to be still pop up now and then.

I agree with what boreas said, and find it helpful to remember that its no different than other changes that we go through along the long and winding road of "adulting". I used to love ice cream, for example, (especially soft serve Carvel), but now I'm lactose intolerant. Even one Sundae will bring 6-8 hours of misery. I still remember how good it tasted but wouldn't even think of indulging anymore. Plus there's sherbert and almond milk.

I also have had battles in my head over the idea that just maybe someday I can recapture the glory of how drinking was before it all went bad; to get it back to good, when drinking was an accompaniment to activities rather than the main event; Before I preferred drinking in isolation and before I stopped doing everything else I loved so I could get drunk alone.

But the truth is that you simply can't unscramble an egg. The toothpaste cannot be put back in the tube. I passed the point of no return, and it will never, ever be good again. Accepting this as fact is true freedom for me, and allows me to acknowledge those sweet memories of when drinking was fun, yet focus on all the good, fun things life has in store for me now, going forward.
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Old 06-30-2018, 09:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Falling in love sober. Wow. Thank you for that beautiful possibility, MissP. I'm a bit jealous of Mindful, flirting and dating.

It's strange, but I don't have any wistful memories of drinking. I want to say that the moment that stuff got in my body I was either drinking 'til it ran out, or I fell down. That can't be true. There must have been some laughing times with friends.
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Old 06-30-2018, 11:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by boreas View Post
They are in the past, just like being able to get out of bed without creaking, like being able to stay up past 10 o’clock and not be exhausted the next day, like how my butt **used** to look in those levi’s in college.
Now those things you can fix or at least improve.

I started a diet and exercise program after I got sober and I am now fitting into jeans that I would have worn in college....from a tight 36" to a comfortable 30". Plus I just FEEL great. I just had my 57th birthday and I feel like I'm in my late-30s again, and I'm in about the same shape as I was then, when I was bodybuilding. I was much bigger and muscular then, but I never got my waist down this slim.

Join our Road to Fall 2018 thread in the Fitness forum for some motivation! You've got a hugely solid foundation with 30 minutes of yoga a day!
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Old 06-30-2018, 02:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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For the longest time my mind said alcohol = fun, I lived this way until my mid 40s and my liver made me stop.

Anything I was doing that was already fun was instantly more fun by adding a drink!

Gotta work all night? Who cares I'll just do a couple shots! Tending bar in at a hot spot makes it all the easier.

When I first sobered up boredom was huge, I went to instantly hating my job. My wife and I own/run a wine bar, hanging out at work and watching over things was just hanging out at the bar and having a couple. Bars have been a huge part of my life, I dreamed of owning one for a really long time before it happened.

I get the wistful thinking thing but I've learned now that alcohol =! fun but it took my brain realizing that what I thought was fun for the last 25 years was not the only way to have fun. There's a whole world out there.

These days I think of it more like an old friend that screwed you over so bad that person has been removed from your life. Yeah, there was some fun but in the end that person was bad and used you.
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Old 06-30-2018, 04:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks for this post. There were a lot of good times with people, until the end when I would rather drink alone because it was literally too much of a hassle to make friends who would stand in the way of the quickest route to what I wanted- obliteration. Alcohol became like an extremely possessive and sadistic lover.

As my 20s come to an end my definitions of fun, joy, meaning, substance, etc. are all having to change. As for romance... I'm finding that real intimacy requires vulnerability, something I was not capable of while my mind, body and soul were already committed to drinking. It's been a rocky road and I don't know what the outcome will be, but the romantic relationship I destroyed while drinking has healed in ways I didn't even think possible.
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Old 06-30-2018, 07:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I was amazed to discover that normal people DIDN'T plan for their next drink, or plan their activities to be sure that drinking or drugs were involved, and didn't drink or drug until the supply was gone, and didn't need to force themselves to stop so that they could drive home or function the next day. I thought EVERYBODY wanted a party!

As it turns out, most people who party normally aren't like that at all. They fancy a drink or two, and if there is no more, then so be it. They don't have to know where the bar is at a concert first thing. They can do social events on weeknights because the way not to be hung over the next day is...just don't drink.

WHAT A CONCEPT.

I heard a great share at a CA meeting from a woman that was addicted to pretty much everything, but coke was the big beast. She was going through her story and a typical day, and she must have said the phrase "Anyone want to do a line"? 30 times in the course of the story. Eventually someone said "No, everyone DOESN'T want a line." This shocked her at the time.
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Old 07-17-2018, 07:41 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for this post LG. I also struggle with random feelings of loss for the fun times associated with drinking. Despite knowing 100% that those days are gone and drinking will always bring nothing but misery to me going forward, the melancholy longing for how it used to be still pop up now and then.

I agree with what boreas said, and find it helpful to remember that its no different than other changes that we go through along the long and winding road of "adulting". I used to love ice cream, for example, (especially soft serve Carvel), but now I'm lactose intolerant. Even one Sundae will bring 6-8 hours of misery. I still remember how good it tasted but wouldn't even think of indulging anymore. Plus there's sherbert and almond milk.

I also have had battles in my head over the idea that just maybe someday I can recapture the glory of how drinking was before it all went bad; to get it back to good, when drinking was an accompaniment to activities rather than the main event; Before I preferred drinking in isolation and before I stopped doing everything else I loved so I could get drunk alone.

But the truth is that you simply can't unscramble an egg. The toothpaste cannot be put back in the tube. I passed the point of no return, and it will never, ever be good again. Accepting this as fact is true freedom for me, and allows me to acknowledge those sweet memories of when drinking was fun, yet focus on all the good, fun things life has in store for me now, going forward.
Hey how are you BND?

I went back to a thread you started in another forum just to read it. Hope you are well.
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Old 07-17-2018, 11:00 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Eventually someone said "No, everyone DOESN'T want a line." This shocked her at the time.
..and the guest towels are just on the back of the toilet, next to the line of coke.

Anybody got a straw? I have to clean the bathroom, Mom is coming over.

The old days, not the good ones, just the former ones.

As an aside, I met my husband and got with him as a normal drinker, most of our dates were 10pm at night, going for a walk and coffee, then hitting the backseat of one of our cars, Looking back, there were some fun, drunk times, but there were a lot more fun times sober!
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