Am I Enabling Him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Am I Enabling Him?
I have been married for almost 7 years. My husband and I met through my older brother about 10 years ago. They were best friends. All social activities were based around drinking.
In 2011 When I was about 5 months pregnant with our first and 3 months before our wedding my brother killed himself. We married in September that same year, we went to court with his ex for custody of their 4 year old one week later. I had my baby that following December. I did that all alone because his solution was to drink. I sat at the funeral by myself. I walked around our wedding reception waiting for him to stop “partying” in hopes we could interact with our guest together. Instead I was the DD and he passed out.
My dad died in 2014 and I again dealt with that alone because he was too busy getting drunk. I had our second baby in 2015. Through those 5 years I was raising all 3 girls while he drank. I would ride the “roller coaster” of it all. It affected our finances our relationship our children etc and decided I needed to make a change. I said I’m moving I have a potential job and housing. He stepped up said don’t I’ll get a job and we’ll move together.
Well it’s been almost 3 years and we’re back in the same boat. So 3 1/2 weeks ago while the oldest child was with her mom for her summer vacation and after another night of being verbally and emotionally abused I told him he had spent part of the rent money on booze and I moved out with our 2 little ones. I have my own place and a new job and have made the promise that I will go to counseling and A.A. with him and that I’m going to do what it takes so we can be a family. I told him it’ll take at least a year of hard work to rebuild our relationship and my trust for me to be comfortable moving back in. He said it wouldn’t take that long that he’d make things right. We went to one counseling session and attempted on A.A. meeting. It has turned into him drinking every week night (while still keeping his job) and then us spending the weekends together for the girls. I truly believe he would be ok if it stayed this way forever.
Have I created a situation where I am enabling him? Because he now gets to spend his money on whatever, drink all week, and then only have to stay sober for 2 nights so he can see our girls.
In 2011 When I was about 5 months pregnant with our first and 3 months before our wedding my brother killed himself. We married in September that same year, we went to court with his ex for custody of their 4 year old one week later. I had my baby that following December. I did that all alone because his solution was to drink. I sat at the funeral by myself. I walked around our wedding reception waiting for him to stop “partying” in hopes we could interact with our guest together. Instead I was the DD and he passed out.
My dad died in 2014 and I again dealt with that alone because he was too busy getting drunk. I had our second baby in 2015. Through those 5 years I was raising all 3 girls while he drank. I would ride the “roller coaster” of it all. It affected our finances our relationship our children etc and decided I needed to make a change. I said I’m moving I have a potential job and housing. He stepped up said don’t I’ll get a job and we’ll move together.
Well it’s been almost 3 years and we’re back in the same boat. So 3 1/2 weeks ago while the oldest child was with her mom for her summer vacation and after another night of being verbally and emotionally abused I told him he had spent part of the rent money on booze and I moved out with our 2 little ones. I have my own place and a new job and have made the promise that I will go to counseling and A.A. with him and that I’m going to do what it takes so we can be a family. I told him it’ll take at least a year of hard work to rebuild our relationship and my trust for me to be comfortable moving back in. He said it wouldn’t take that long that he’d make things right. We went to one counseling session and attempted on A.A. meeting. It has turned into him drinking every week night (while still keeping his job) and then us spending the weekends together for the girls. I truly believe he would be ok if it stayed this way forever.
Have I created a situation where I am enabling him? Because he now gets to spend his money on whatever, drink all week, and then only have to stay sober for 2 nights so he can see our girls.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
He says he is going to pay the auto loan on the van we just purchased in December but a payment hasn’t come due since I’ve moved. He does ask if the youngest needs diapers and wipes and paid for her dr visit last weekend when she got an ear infection but that is all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
If you decide to legally separate, he will owe you proper child support. So you are financially enabling him right now if he is not consistently paying his fair share. I would not play house with him on the weekends. If he believes that this weekend relationship is growing into more and you know differently, this will come crashing down and sober weekends will stop. I would not call this enabling as much as allowing him to think he is repairing things with you when the truth is he is not.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I don't know if you are enabling him or not. BUT, I do think that AlAnon couk d be a really useful idea for you. The help you'd find there could help you to think through where your boundaries are, and teach you how to enforce them to keep yourself and your children safe (emotionally, financially, and maybe - eventually - physically).
Have you checked out the freinds and family subforum here? That is another thing worth exploring. It's like treasure trove of wisdom and experience .
Anyway. Sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you found us.
BB
Have you checked out the freinds and family subforum here? That is another thing worth exploring. It's like treasure trove of wisdom and experience .
Anyway. Sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you found us.
BB
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
I agree that AllAnon would be a good place to start as a support for yourself. It does sound like your husband is satisfied, for now, with staying sober on the weekends. Are you willing to accept that as a lifestyle for your family? I hope that you find some peace for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Please find and attend some Al-Anon meetings. I think if he was sincere he'd be attending AA meetings and not still be drinking every night during the week. Sounds to me like he's got the best of two worlds. Al-Anon saved my sanity.
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