skyfullofstars

Hi all, I am finally surrendering myself after a relapse that ended up lasting six months.

I'll admit, I got cocky. I was convinced I could moderate, that the alcohol wasn't in control, I was. This last week, especially the last few days have proven the opposite.

Last week I got blackout drunk with my colleague and a customer and stupidly tried riding my bike the one mile journey home. I fell off of course, then fell over again as I was walking it, landing on top of the bike. My legs are covered in bruises, knees bashed to hell and got a nasty bruise on the ribcage. I tried laughing it off with my coworkers, but they don't find my drunken escapades funny anymore, they just looked worried. The alarm bells were quietly ringing then.

At my work the back of house staff are allowed a few drinks during shift, as long as we are still able to work. However on Monday, I was completely blotto, I just couldn't stop drinking and by the end of the shift I was plastered and didn't close down properly. My manager talked to me about it this morning and I felt about two inches tall.

He was so annoyed and disappointed and I felt like such an absolute idiot. I've also been hiding bottles and cans then sneaking them to the recycling at the supermarket - one of the biggest red flags.

Yesterday was the last straw...I had Tuesday and Wednesday off work and instead of being in the garden enjoying the beautiful sunny weather we've been having and reading my new library book I chose to stay in my room drinking glass after glass of wine. Again, hiding the drinks. Then last night was a family meal and I had drunk probably two bottles of wine during the day, then a pint of beer at the meal...and I can't remember the journey home.

My parents haven't mentioned anything bad I said or did, but it was totally obvious I was steaming, and only one pint wouldn't have got me that drunk. Went straight to bed and passed out, woke up at 1am...and after chugging some water I reached for the wine again.

And the lightbulb just went off in my head just as I was about to pour my next large glass. The "what the hell are you doing with your life" lightbulb. The quiet alarm is now a deafening klaxon.

I am turning thirty next April and I do not want this shackle for another decade. I'm DONE. I am going to post here regularly, I've looked for AA meetings in my area and will attend one as soon as possible.

I didn't drink today. Tomorrow I will wake up in the morning and repeat the mantra again: "I will not drink today."

biminiblue

Repeat "I am DONE" every time you start thinking about a drink in the next few months. It's a great mantra.

Thanks for posting. Glad you made it back.

BDTL

You got this buddy so be firm with the poison and not allow it to enter your body. Life is short and you are seeking the true meaning which does not include killing your body through drink. Now go one day at a time and beat that sob = alcohol!

skyfullofstars

Thank you, Blue. I really truly am DONE.

DONE with the hangovers, the dry retching and pounding headaches.
DONE with the ridiculous amounts of money I pee away.
DONE with the sneaking and lying.
DONE with looking pathetic rather than funny.
DONE the spotty skin and extra two stone (30lbs/13ish kgs) that will never shift if I keep drinking.
DONE with disappointing people and embarrassing myself.
DONE with being a prisoner.

I will admit to feeling scared of never having another drink again, but I am terrified of what lies ahead if I keep drinking.

Hevyn

Sky - You are seeing the light at only 30. I waited much longer. Be glad you can get free & have the wonderful life you're intended to live.

I did the same thing at work (a hotel). If not for the owner being someone I went to school with, I'd have lost my job after 20 yrs. of being his right hand person. No one understood what was happening to me - I shocked & disappointed everyone. They didn't realize I was bringing it to work, driving home impaired. Drinking almost 'round the clock in the end. I'm so thankful to have reclaimed my life. I'm happy you are seeing what needs to happen - and taking action.

Mummyto2

Good for you, well done, forget what happened and turn it around to your advantage, good luck

skyfullofstars

Hevyn, I think I was bloody lucky not to be fired or at least on a written warning. I usually do a great job, but that was the first time I have been so drunk it affected my work. The manager looked so angry and disappointed, but also a bit shocked.

I never want that look directed at me again because of pouring that horrible poison down my neck.

I am nervous because I work in a pub so I am literally surrounded by booze. I am also not quite ready to come out of the alcoholic closet to everyone yet. For now I will just say "I am not drinking today" and that is it.

djlook

Scary. It just gets worse. I would make going to an AA a top priority - now.

skyfullofstars

Djlook, yes it will get worse. I've trawled this forum and read stories of people who couldn't stop for years and my heart was breaking. They all said the same thing "it hasn't happened YET".

This last week has frightened me just how sneakily I was on the downward slope. Time this was nipped in the bud before it gets worse. AA is very high on the priorities, I need and want the help

Dee74

Welcome back skyfullofstars

Apart from the daily declaration, have you though about what a plan to stay sober might look for you?

D

djlook

Good for you. You sound sincere. My son is 44 and he can't stop drinking on his own. It is breaking my heart to watch him deteriorate physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, and spiritually, and I am so helpless. He said about 15 years ago that he knew where to go if he got into trouble with his drinking (AA) but the booze keeps telling him he's got it under control. His drinking has cost him two marriages, a really good job, loss of relationships, all that goes with alcoholism, but he blames it on anything but his disease.

I remember right before I got to AA I went to the doctor and answered that questionnaire they have you fill out. One of the questions was, was I on any prescription medications and I said, no, of course. I was lying. Another doctor had given me a prescription to help with the withdrawals from alcohol and I was drinking and doubling-tripling the dose of the pills. So I know what you mean. That's what got me in the end was the dishonesty. I didn't want to be that person or live that way anymore. Alcohol turns us into a real Jekyll and Hyde, doesn't it?

biminiblue

I quit drinking in my early thirties and continued to work at a very busy popular chain bar/restaurant for 10 years afterwards without drinking. It can be done.

Especially if you're DONE.

least

I'm glad you're getting sober for good.

skyfullofstars

Dee, I have checked local AAs and there is at least two every day of the week. As soon as we get next week's rota I will ring up and arrange to go on my days off.

I also have a very understanding friend from another country who I can 'come out' to, so to speak. If I say it out loud to someone it will make this decision more real, and I am a little too nervous to admit it to someone from home. I know it is silly, but I am ashamed of admitting to being an alcoholic.

Just for now though, with time I will be able to be honest about why I am not drinking.

Is there anything else you can recommend?

skyfullofstars

So sorry about your son, djlook. I can't imagine the pain it must cause seeing your son n the downward spiral.

This is such a cruel infliction, on the sufferer and everyone close to them.

skyfullofstars

Given my teeth a good, thorough scrub, and got a mint tea to sip on before I turn in for the night.

Going to be amazing waking up hangover free and without my mouth tasting like a chemical toilet

Dee74

Sure can
There are some very good ideas here

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

D

skyfullofstars

Thanks Dee, I will give those a read later. Had a little skim and they look very helpful. Thanks everyone else for the support and kind words.

Woke up at 7am this morning, and although I feel a little tired because it took forever for me to fall asleep and I only got four hours, it was soooooo good waking up with no headache or acid reflux. And a clean mouth and teeth!

Better to be just a little tired from a couple of hours lack of sleep than tired AND sick and hungover.

brighterday1234

Hey man. May not be possible but would a change of job be at all possible to support your recovery?

JOHNNIEH63

Hi Sky & everyone,

Congrats for waking up without the sore head & acid reflux !!
2 immediate positives to get going with. It takes guts to admit the problem, so I think it makes complete sense to choose who you 'fess up' to at this stage. All I can say is that once I'd owned up, which was hard, I felt a complete sense of relief, like a ton of bricks had been removed.

In time, you'll be so glad that you've changed your perspective and started the fight. It's not always a picnic, and there will doubtless be times when you think wtf, but nothing that's worth it is 'easy' ....

So, anyway, fab to have you here & all the very best in your journey.
Johnnie