Payday cravings
 

I don't know what happened. 2 weeks ago I was dead-certain I was never going to have another sip of alcohol for the rest of my life.

Fast-forward to today, and I'm not sure I'll last the rest of the week. I got my pay-check, which I've learned is a BIG trigger for me. Some of my worst binges were always right after getting paid.

It's day 93 and over the last couple of days I've gotten intense cravings to drink on a new level I have not experienced since I first decided to quit. I just went to the grocery store and literally put my hand on a six-pack of Crispin cider but I pulled back at the last second.

My body wants it, I think. Yesterday I tried to substitute my usual sugar binge in order to knock it down. I ate an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch but still wasn't satisfied.

I can feel my resolve weakening. I feel myself bargaining already - I can only have 2 or 3 - I don't have to get drunk. My liver numbers are fine. One night won't hurt.

I feel so stupid for being so confident last week, so sure of myself. Maybe I haven't even begun to understand how hard this is.

I'm trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied but it just keeps screaming at me that the world is so unjust and nobody gives a **** and I'm never going to be accepted by normal nice coupled up people anyway so why not have a drink?

Resisting.

For now.

93 days is great!

My AV was still messing with me constantly at 90 days as well.

Don't get discouraged, things tended to come and go in waves for me with the good waves slowly getting bigger and the bad waves slowly getting smaller.

It sounds like you have a good wave last week, try to hang on to the fact that it happened instead of dwelling on the fact that it seems to have subsided!

I hope you don't drink. :( 93 days sober is wonderful. :) Don't throw it away for a night you'll regret.

I always keep stuffing up on payday. Maybe try mixing up your routine. There are lots of good ideas in the book Living Sober. You are doing so well. Don't screw it up now.

Nope, as long as you've been sober, over 90 days, you are way past physical dependence. It's all mental. Your brain wants alcohol. Not your body.

I know the thoughts are torturous, but they are just that...thoughts.

At ninety days it's not your body, unless there is some other chemical in the picture that is triggering the craving.

Usually, by this time the problem can only be in the mind. What we AAs call the insanity of the first drink. Something goes wrong with the memory and the ability to make sane rational decisions aound alcohol.

Where, a few weeks or months ago, we were horrified at where alcohol had taken us, we were overwhelmed with the sheer awfulness of what had been happening to such an extent that we wanted to stop for good - a moment of true sanity, we now find the picture looks entirely different.

The reasons why we should not drink maybe still there, but they don't have the same force. Other thoughts that come from the obsession of the mind, start to be more credible. Based in the memory of the time that alcohol actually worked for us, we begin to wonder whether we are making too much of a minor problem. Perhaps things were not actually that bad, and now, after a period of sobriety, my physical health is better, people are off my back, maybe I can manage a couple of drinks this time.

After all, I don't really want to get drunk so much as relax and experience that good feeling I used to get from just one or two srinks.

It is like solid evidence gest to be overcome by wishful thinking. Unfortunately, this problem with the mind seems to stay with us until we do something about it. It is the reason the idea of just not drinking doesn't keep many of us sober. The problem is not the booze, it is the alcoholic mind.

I hope you don't give up that much time. I'm sitting here on day 3, and I wish I could get to 93 days.

since you don't drink, payday is no longer a drinking EVENT.

it's a day when we get financially reimbursed for putting in effort at a job, that we are lucky to have. those funds allow us to pay our bills, live indoors, feed our bodies, keep our homes and bodies and clothing clean, rest in our own bed.

i LUV payday...we have direct deposit so i get paid a day early and i love logging on and paying them damn bills, the ones that aren't automatically deducted from my account. bam, take that comcast. bam, take that energy bill. bam, take that water department. i love being able to pay a little ahead on a bill.....if it's $122, round up to $125 and bam, next month, a 3 dollar credit!

it's all about the mindset of what our purpose is with the funds we receive.

Whats gotten you past the other paydays so far Timm?

My bottom line was I had to take the option of drinking off the table.

There was no mental or physical imperative for me to drink - obsessions and cravings pass with what is really only a little discomfort.

The anticipation of that discomfort tho was a real mind bender.

Get to your support structure whether it's here on SR or elsewhere and tie yourself to the chair if needs be.

You can get through this without drinking and you will be stronger for it coming out the other side.

D

Keep your money in the bank and buy a new 'toy' or take a trip after a few paydays. Much more satisfying than a few nights of misery.

Hows it going Timm?

D

In the early days, I would spend the amount that I would have spent on alcohol and buy something I really wanted for me or the house. I have to admit, I love having pretty things around me since I quit drinking - the latest 'payday thing' is a really stunning set of embroidered curtains for the kitchen - looks stunning and every time I walk in there, I KNOW that if I was still drinking, I wouldn't have been able to afford them.
In the past 18 months, I now have a 50 inch TV, a new laptop, the whole place redecorated, but most importantly I have my self-respect back.
Go spend the 'booze money' on something for you! Or save it up and take a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go.
PS My hair doesn't fall out now, either ;)

I made it through the week. Focused on aggressive self-care - some junk food - some relaxation - and lots of coffee.

This feels slightly insane but I noticed this anxiety/desire to drink peaked around the full moon then it dropped off the last few days.

Whatever it is, I don't feel like I'm on the edge anymore - the fourth will be Day 100.

good going :)

D

Good for you for resisting the urge to drink. :) It gets easier to resist, the more you do it. :)

That's awesome! Those full moon cravings get less and less in time. I'm like 18-19mo and the thoughts of 'a beer' are almost zero.. I simply no longer drink alcohol and my mind knows that.