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Old 06-26-2018, 06:50 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Help, I feel Iím going crazy, I know better, I want to cry Iím so confused!

I have an weekend away with some friends that I havenít seen in a while for a bachelorette party. I have to go or it would cause a lot of issues and hurt feelings. I havenít told my friends that Iím living clean and Iím so scared to for so many reasons. Iím sure youíre familiar if youíve gone through this. I plan on telling them causally once the festivities begin and they offer or ask about my drinking. My only friend I have told met me with aw youíre not drinking? Youíre gonna have to at my bachelorette party! (Different bachelorette party thatís coming up too :-/) she didnít understand and really brought on some tough peer pressure. At the moment my one friend is pushing for me to stay over night so they can go out and have fun, which I get that that could just mean be out late but I feel there is an obvious cultural pressure of expected drinking and drinking debauchery. I feel so distraught honestly. Part of me is beating myself up that I canít just do it for a night but Lord knows Iím scared to go down that road-what if I find any excuse then for it in the future? Iím six months sober and while I wasnít in the throws of despair I saw where I was headed and how much I was having a harder and harder time stopping once I started.

I dont understand how I I can feel so good about how things are going and not think about it and feel totally normal living without it and then blast from the past moments like this party scene can have me upset and lonely, lost and feeling completely awful.

I hate this, I want to go, I want to just have fun, maybe stay over but not feel like Iím going to get the peer pressure that we should be too old for. Btw Iím not even sure anyone will pressure me, but obviously there is that fear there.
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I have a similar experience. I am pretty sure you are much younger than when this happened, but let me share. My family reunions are huge and loads of drinking. My dad has 10 sisters and there is a big tradition of honoring the niece who turns 40 into their YaYa sisterhood. No men allowed at this secret silly meeting that holds lots of fun and silly things. BUT one of the things I did not expect was the shot of tequila and shock from my aunties that I would not just have that ONE shot even though I had shared that I was a full year sober. Thank goodness my sister was there and quickly did the shot for me and got everyone to move on. People who have not witnessed up close the horrors of alcoholism or have not seen the trouble it has caused you will just think you can quit tomorrow. No matter how much they love you. It is not your job to make them understand. BUT you are the only one that can let them know you are firm in your decision. You are also the only one who knows if you can handle this. Your sobriety is probably WAY more important than your company at a bachelorette party.
IF it is just the PRESSURE from the others you are afraid of, can you offer to be the driver?
There is not a drug on Earth that can make life meaningful.

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Old 06-26-2018, 07:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No is a word you can use. Even with friends.
Other people have cared about me more than I cared for myself.

I owe them.
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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...And if you can't use the word - I would question the actual friendship. Well, maybe not.

Here are those links I posted in your other thread before from Nikka's threads when she went through this successfully! (Bachelorette party advice)
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
~ Isak Dinesen
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Old 06-26-2018, 07:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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As I used to tell my kids when they were little: NO is a complete sentence.

And don't be casual about it, be firm. Polite but firm - NO.
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

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Old 06-26-2018, 07:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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if these people were truly friends who cared about your well being, you wouldn't think twice about telling them that you quit drinking. they'd be your biggest cheerleaders, happy for you and you would be happy to TELL them.

yet this bachlorette party that is soooo important, you don't feel you could tell a single person there that you have quit drinking.

just think about that..........

sobriety is like WAVE that damn flag!!!
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Old 06-26-2018, 08:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It took me a long time to understand that alcoholics can't drink at all. And, I'm the one with the problem! So, I get that my friends may not get it.

That sounds like its going to be one party filled night and you're going to be the only one not drinking. Are you confident you can you resist the peer pressure ?And resist the temptation when your friends start drinking?
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Old 06-26-2018, 08:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I have a suggestion....If you really must go....and aren't ready to "tell" them...

Maybe you could be the designated driver? Maybe you could be the one who watches out for the other gals? Maybe you could hold their hair back while they puke in the bushes ??

If I was in your shoes, I would tell them I'm not gonna drink ladies, I'm gonna watch out for you all, I'll get you home safetly!!

Just a thought...good luck and please consider what could actually happen if you drink?!
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Old 06-26-2018, 08:37 PM   #9 (permalink)

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Yeah if I got pressure from friends or family, "oh, hell NO I don't drink! No way!". Big smile on my face. I'm me. I know where I've been. and I know where I'm not going again. I don't expect anyone to fully understand and those who have tried to understand have missed the mark because they are not alcoholics.

anvil is right. Go and do your thing if you must but DO talk up your sobriety and talk it up with a smile. A smile that says you won't be vomiting in the bathroom that night!
First day of freedom: 9/25/17
"A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean." Dr. Suess, The Lorax
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Old 06-26-2018, 08:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It is a little tough initially, but once the folks get drunk, and I am still sober, it gets easier.

The next day, at breakfast, is always especially empowering for me. I am stone sober, feeling great, great sleep, ready for the day. My hungover, still drunk friends and family are all messed up. Dealing with having to pack and drive home.

Not to mention the crave that I know I would feel in a day or two. Don't need it.

Drinking was a learned behavior. Like a bad habit.


When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 06-26-2018, 09:41 PM   #11 (permalink)

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There is a theme in your threads.....fear of being judged for being sober. I get it. But if I were entertaining going to a bachelorette party I personally would want to be extremely confident of my own ability to protect my sobriety. My desire to. My personal commitment.

You have already experienced the usual stuff....some care, some don't, some support you, some enable you. That's the deal. Your abstinence isn't contingent on anyone's support or lack of. I mean, that's how I see it anyway. For me, it's an inside job.

My concern isn't whether your friends are good or supportive friends. It's whether you can stand by your commitment not to drink. Friends may not always have your back, but you can have your own back.....
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Old 06-28-2018, 04:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If you're going to these things make sure you have an escape plan in case things get too rough readygo

some more good ideas here (Social Occasion Survival Guide)
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Old 06-28-2018, 05:43 PM   #13 (permalink)

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I was not a bar drinker. The gal I got sober with was, she loved to drink vodka and dance all night. I heard in early sobriety that I had to change people, places, and things. She heard the same things I did, but bars was all she had ever known. I got sober in a club house, which was open pretty much all the time. I'd be sitting in there and she'd come in after going to the bar and not drinking and she would be shaking all over, literally. Her hands were jerking. She did finally stop going around the people she used to drink with. For me, in early sobriety, when I did have to be around drinking, I would get an emotional hangover. I had not drank, but it really bothered me. My sobriety is the most precious thing in the world. If I lose my sobriety, I lose everything, and I've worked so hard to be where I am today. Not a relationship, job, friends, social get together, nothing, nothing in this whole wide world is worth losing my sobriety.
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Old 06-29-2018, 07:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Great comments and shares above.

I'm firmly in the camp of "no" being a complete sentence. I did not go ANYWHERE that challenged my physical or emotional sobriety for a long time. As in, I didn't go out to eat with anyone but my parents for maybe 100 days. First out of town trip (w my now husband who is in recovery too), 9 mo. First party, 14 mo, first wedding, 17 mo.....this was not about fear of drinking, it was about absolute commitment to my recovery and choosing my audience, who gets (or doesn't get) a seat at my table.

I definitely wouldn't have gone to two bachelorette parties - might not go even now (except I am too old for that stuff!)....and I hope whatever decisions you make - and remember, you ALWAYS have a choice- they are based in your absolute commitment to being sober.

"Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Alice in Wonderland
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Old 06-30-2018, 11:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I think your fears are warranted, but they can't stand in the way of your sobriety. Alcoholism I have learned is a brutal disease, it destroys families, cost people jobs and ultimately kills. So saying no and hurting some "feelings" is minor in my opinion.
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