Need a pep talk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 2
Need a pep talk
I'm feeling defeated.
This is my first post and found the site after googling "why do alcoholics disappear". I'll keep this post as brief as possible, and there really isn't a need to go into too many details because frankly after reading these posts most of our stories sound the same. Here are the details:
my husband has been sober for 8+ months. sobriety came after he was arrested at our home after I called the police, in response to a 3 day bender that resulted in him acting violet and refusing to leave. This wasn't the first time, and I've endured multiple "episodes" during our marriage. When he's not drinking, he's smart, charming, thoughtful, attentive...a great spouse, father, friend and employee. Which is always why I ultimately stay by his side. And because I talk myself into the fact that marriage is "for better or for worse" and he is simply ill.
After he was arrested, it was days of craziness that concluded with me kicking him out, filing a restraining order which was granted and starting the proceedings for a divorce. He ended up living with a friend but this was only after drinking himself nearly to death, threatening suicide and really hitting a low. He lived with this friend and their family for nearly 4 months, and I ultimately let him back into my heart and reconciled. In this period he was sober and has remained sober (and I haven't been drinking either). Life has been good - he's been doing great at work, is in the early stages of starting a business, his relationships have improved and everything was on the right track. I started to trust him again, and I really believed that sobriety was important to him and we had MANY MANY thoughtful conversations about the damage alcohol has had on his/our lives and the senselessness of it all. Friends warned me "there could be a relapse" and for the first time in a long time, I felt confident that there wouldn't be. He (we) were just doing too great to risk it all on a drink.
Well, I was wrong. I'll try to spare all the details but he's out of town to purchase a boat we bought for our business. He was calling me to check in a lot, and took a picture on the boat that mistakenly included a 15 pack of beer in the photo. Oops...I asked if he had been drinking, and he immediately went on the defense (oops again). Back to old patterns - accusing me, blaming me, denial. He called me pretty quickly and unlike old patterns, admitted he bought the beer and had "2 beers" (why the 15 pack then? good question) I thanked him for being "honest" and tried to be loving/understanding and supportive, as well as honest with how it made me feel (scared, uneasy, worried). He assured me I had nothing to worry about. It was a mistake, he thought he could have "a beer" but regretted it but wanted to move on. I tried to not react and said I understood, loved him and that we have too much going for us to blow it with alcohol. Well, that was 24 hours ago. He's 1/2 way across the country, I haven't heard from him. He was supposed to be on a plane back and I'm afraid he's 15+ beers in (likely vodka too), passed out on the boat we just purchased. I'm really trying to resist my old reactions - which was to get really upset, let it derail my day (s), spend multiple days trying to track him down only to find out he's been between bouts of drinking/passed out/drinking/passed out...it's super unsettling, heartbreaking and I feel so lonely. It really stinks to be right back where we were 8 months ago. I don't want anyone to know, including the kids.
I really don't want to go through this again. It's so hard loving someone who is self-destructive but I don't want it to destroy me and my children as well.
I'm hoping someone can reassure me. I don't need to react. I need to put my energy into myself and my children. He's a grown man, who is very ill and if he chooses to drink himself to death, I can't stop him but I don't have to let it destroy me too.
This is my first post and found the site after googling "why do alcoholics disappear". I'll keep this post as brief as possible, and there really isn't a need to go into too many details because frankly after reading these posts most of our stories sound the same. Here are the details:
my husband has been sober for 8+ months. sobriety came after he was arrested at our home after I called the police, in response to a 3 day bender that resulted in him acting violet and refusing to leave. This wasn't the first time, and I've endured multiple "episodes" during our marriage. When he's not drinking, he's smart, charming, thoughtful, attentive...a great spouse, father, friend and employee. Which is always why I ultimately stay by his side. And because I talk myself into the fact that marriage is "for better or for worse" and he is simply ill.
After he was arrested, it was days of craziness that concluded with me kicking him out, filing a restraining order which was granted and starting the proceedings for a divorce. He ended up living with a friend but this was only after drinking himself nearly to death, threatening suicide and really hitting a low. He lived with this friend and their family for nearly 4 months, and I ultimately let him back into my heart and reconciled. In this period he was sober and has remained sober (and I haven't been drinking either). Life has been good - he's been doing great at work, is in the early stages of starting a business, his relationships have improved and everything was on the right track. I started to trust him again, and I really believed that sobriety was important to him and we had MANY MANY thoughtful conversations about the damage alcohol has had on his/our lives and the senselessness of it all. Friends warned me "there could be a relapse" and for the first time in a long time, I felt confident that there wouldn't be. He (we) were just doing too great to risk it all on a drink.
Well, I was wrong. I'll try to spare all the details but he's out of town to purchase a boat we bought for our business. He was calling me to check in a lot, and took a picture on the boat that mistakenly included a 15 pack of beer in the photo. Oops...I asked if he had been drinking, and he immediately went on the defense (oops again). Back to old patterns - accusing me, blaming me, denial. He called me pretty quickly and unlike old patterns, admitted he bought the beer and had "2 beers" (why the 15 pack then? good question) I thanked him for being "honest" and tried to be loving/understanding and supportive, as well as honest with how it made me feel (scared, uneasy, worried). He assured me I had nothing to worry about. It was a mistake, he thought he could have "a beer" but regretted it but wanted to move on. I tried to not react and said I understood, loved him and that we have too much going for us to blow it with alcohol. Well, that was 24 hours ago. He's 1/2 way across the country, I haven't heard from him. He was supposed to be on a plane back and I'm afraid he's 15+ beers in (likely vodka too), passed out on the boat we just purchased. I'm really trying to resist my old reactions - which was to get really upset, let it derail my day (s), spend multiple days trying to track him down only to find out he's been between bouts of drinking/passed out/drinking/passed out...it's super unsettling, heartbreaking and I feel so lonely. It really stinks to be right back where we were 8 months ago. I don't want anyone to know, including the kids.
I really don't want to go through this again. It's so hard loving someone who is self-destructive but I don't want it to destroy me and my children as well.
I'm hoping someone can reassure me. I don't need to react. I need to put my energy into myself and my children. He's a grown man, who is very ill and if he chooses to drink himself to death, I can't stop him but I don't have to let it destroy me too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
Hi Mariehan
Offering you my support. What a difficult and scary situation. Alcohol is such a bastard. Stay close to the site. You will get a lot of helpful advice and support here. Hopefully he has had enough sober time that he be able to get back on track sooner then later.
Offering you my support. What a difficult and scary situation. Alcohol is such a bastard. Stay close to the site. You will get a lot of helpful advice and support here. Hopefully he has had enough sober time that he be able to get back on track sooner then later.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,754
Welcome to the family. 
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find a lot of support. You might also want to look at our 'friends and family' forums for extra support from those who have walked in your shoes. 
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find a lot of support. You might also want to look at our 'friends and family' forums for extra support from those who have walked in your shoes. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 2
update. he called. he missed his flight (shocking, I know) proceeded to scream at me. because he was "so tired"...didn't call because he was so busy getting the boat together. I'm just heartbroken...I do not want to go through this again. I have to keep in mind there is NOTHING I can say or do that will change him
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
I hope you do what you need to do to take care of your children and yourself. Are you ready to make a decision so you don't have to go through this again?
I hope you do what you need to do to take care of your children and yourself. Are you ready to make a decision so you don't have to go through this again?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Mariehan, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds absolutely devastating. You've been a devoted wife and it really seems like you have done all you can, recognizing that he has to make a choice to stay sober for himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9
Please look after yourself and your children now, there is nothing more you can do for your husband at this point.
Is there something you can do to ensure your and your children’s safety if he decides to come back? If he was violent before, it could happen again.
Please be careful.
Is there something you can do to ensure your and your children’s safety if he decides to come back? If he was violent before, it could happen again.
Please be careful.
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