When does it get easier telling people at party events
 

I tried to talk with my hubs about this but he does not understand why it’s a big deal to me. He thinks I should just be confident in myself and my decision but it’s not that easy for me. Talking with him just left me feeling more deflated than before 😕Don’t get me wrong I’d love it to be something I was happy to share and be open about, and I’m not sure why it’s not. One may be that I don’t have a lot of moments or events that I have had a chance to test my wings on my new lifestyle and When I have gone to events I’ve gotten mixed reviews and been somewhat disapointed with some that I thought would be much more supportive. My biggest thing right now is a bachelorrete this next weekend. Seeing as I am having some issues getting empathy from my husband I figure maybe you guys could help? I know I have asked about this in the past, but as the day gets closer I need support! I feel I’m just being criticized by my lack of excitement.

Side note-not sure if some of my angst is coming from seeing someone who I feel like doesn’t like me (but I’m not sure why)

i'm not sure what you are asking.
your sobriety isn't going to be a big deal to very many other people.
you might as well tell them you've gone vegan.

you seem early in recovery, and bachelorette parties can be pretty dangerous territory...especially if you aren't comfortable STATING you no longer drink and then being disappointed you don't get more enthusiasm from others when you do.

is it NECESSARY to attend?
will the party still happen if you don't attend?
if you were very ill, you wouldn't go.
what are YOUR motives?

I have to agree with AnvilheadII,

I have had several months sober under my belt and relapsed at parties, dates, and other social situations. Now, I have accepted that I'm not able to attend these things...yet.

I am almost 5 months sober and wouldn't even consider going to a party that serves booze. Way too risky. Just my thoughts and experiences. I hope you can put your sobriety first!

And, I never got any standing ovations for quitting. I had to learn to be my own cheerleader!:cheer

Don't worry why it's not. It's not and that's that. So if it is not easy to share your decision to quit drinking, don't. All you have to say is, "No, thanks," to any offer of drinks. If they press you as to why you aren't drinking, you still aren't obligated to answer them. "I'm just not drinking. A cola would be fine, thanks."

Quit tormenting yourself.

And if you expecting validation from others for your decision to quit drinking, you are going to be disappointed.

You owe no one an explanation of why you're not drinking. If they keep pressing you, ask them why it bothers them that you're not drinking. That should shut them up.

People who aren't sober / aren't alcoholics don't really understand our struggles. It's not surprising that your hub didn't understand. If you have to make up a white lie, it's perfectly acceptable. Say you're on antibiotics and can't drink. Say you've been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and can't drink. Say it once, be firm in your decision, and change the topic.

The more practice you have saying no, the more natural it will get. Eventually people will just remember not to offer you alcohol.

Hang in there hun :)

Just tell people straight. I don’t drink because I’m an alcoholic. Simple and it works, no stigma.

Hey there Readyto go,
Your husband doesn't understand because he's not an Alcoholic. My wife is the same, I tell her things regarding my addictions and most of the time she gets it (she's been to Al-a-non meetings) but she just doesn't understand. It takes an addict to understand an addict.
I've been sober 13+months, It's not easy being around a bunch of people that are drinking, especially when they know your past drinking habits. As others have said try to minimize putting yourself in those situations, especially early on in your recovery. If you have to go to the bachelorette party, plan an escape route, if you start to feel uncomfortable get out of there.


Rainman

You can also say you've developed an allergic reaction to alcohol.

You do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you are drinking alcohol or not. In fact, they are being rude if they press the issue. A simple and clear 'No, thanks' should be enough. :)

Be the driver. Everyone LOVES the sober driver! Usually they will buy your sodas.

Anxiety can absolutely cause our minds to go haywire and our old buddy booze is right there. :)

Is there unresolved resentment with this person you are seeing? Is it something that can be resolved?

When you feel strong enough and safe, go out somewhere and take note of how many people have one and done, or don't drink at all. I was surprised the first time I really took a good look around. I have gone to many parties where there is 6 or 8 of us around the table and half of us are sober. One of the last fundraising events I went to as a guest, there was a table of 6, everyone of us could have drove home. In fact at that event I wouldn't say there were too many who couldn't. Now I have been to events where the opposite was true... but the majority of places I go, people are sober or drink moderate. A lot of restaurants I go to, most people have s glass or two and are done. When you drink it seems like everyone else is. When you take off the drinking goggles, you realize most people do not drink a lot.
I figured after putting in hay all day, the case of beer Dh bought would be gone when I got home. There were 4 out of it, there were 6 people here. We have more hay to put in tonight, we sheared a pin, well my son did lol so Dh ran to town to get a new one. When I helped hay last year, half that case would be gone and I claimed not to like beer. Perspective is huge in recovery.

Oh and if it comes up, I just say I don't drink anymore. if pressed I say, everybody has to grow up someday, plus it stopped agreeing with me.

When I quit I assumed everyone obsessed over what everyone else was drinking like I did.

I no longer give explanations. Just no thanks :)

D

I like this, I may have to use it. :c005:

When a waiter asks how you would like your steak to be done, you without hesitation or say "rare/medium/well-done"?

That's YOUR choice and expectation and its done without hesitation,, right?

saying nohanks" to a drink should have the same expection and confidence behind it.

What If the waiter gave you a weird look? You'd think he was strange, correct?

Same goes here, if you get weird looks..then thats just it, they are strange people who are gonna have an absolute horrible morning tomorrow, and let it be.

I also advise not to make a deal out of it to them , you being sober doesn't require a explanation nor will they understand. Just go for your friends and yourself.

I’m also finding people don’t notice or ask me about not drinking. My neighbor offered me a beer and I said “No thanks, I actually don’t drink anymore”. He said, “Oh, OK” and put the beer away. That was the end of that. I had a whole speech prepared in case of questioning too!

I think there are two seperate questions within this post.

First, the one in the post title. When does it get easier telling people we don't drink (any more).

Second, how did we deal with being at the stage you are at now.


In answer to the first question. For me it got easier when I stopped seeing myself as a party girl / drinker. When I'd kinda got to the stage where drinking events and drunk people had proved themselves to be just a bit... Well, boring, a few times. When I'd realised that actually I much prefer the sober chats I have with others in recovery to drunk banter and supposed hilarity of a session. When I'd learned who I am sober, and what I like to do, and realised that if I don't like parties unless I'm drunk, then I probably just don't like parties. And realised that quite a few other people feel the same. Given the choice of a party tonight, or watching an episode of Orange is the New Black, or some quiet time with my book, I know which I'd choose now. And it's not the party. At first I felt like there was something wrong with that, but now I have found peace with this new BB who I've learned to like, then respect, then love and care for. As I've worked on my Recovery there has been a lot of change and growing up happening. How long that takes? I suppose that's different for all of us. Took me longer than a lot of people because I resisted that recovery work for a while. One man I can think of in AA is 9 months sober and is already very comfortable in his sober self (most of the time). Another lady who will be a year sober next week is as well. And then there's others who struggle for longer. Mostly folk who don't want to work on their recovery, but just pretend there is nothing to do other than stopping drinking, and who are determined to carry on their old lifestyle with the old people, just without alcohol. They struggle longer.

The second question, as to how to deal with the party situation you have coming up. I wouldn't suggest announcing to everyone you meet that you're an alcoholic. Thats just too much information. And if it's a batchellorette party, it's not about you really is it. It's about the bride. People don't need to be concerned about you.
When I was in this situation (going to a hen weekend in Berlin with my best friend and others) I talked things through with the two closest friends who would be going beforehand. I explained that although i may seem quieter than when I was drinking, they shouldn't be concerned think anything was wrong, I was find and would be enjoying seeing them all hapoy, but would feel a bit shyer than usual, that's all. I also explained that I may not be able to see the whole evening out when they went to nightclubs. They were fine with it all. Surprisingly, on that weekend away, every time I opted out and went back to the hotel early (around 10 one night and midnight another night, there were a couple of others each time who asked if I minded them coming back with me as they didn't want to drink any more and needed to lay down.

They did have me quieter than usual, which may not have been as fun as usual in some regards. But then they didn't have to drunk-sit me, apologise for me, or worry about me behaving inappropriately and getting the group into trouble either. I don't think I ruined anyone's weekend. And that was an achievement in itself.

Other than the close friends, other people mostly didn't question my not drinking. If they did "I don't want to" was a good enough answer for most, esp if I then quickly changed the subject to talk about them or their loved ones. It's worth having some questions up your sleeve for this.

BB

I didn't have trouble saying "no thanks" to alcohol at events after getting sober. Often, that was that, and no-one would ask why.

Initially, if someone did ask why (because I was a known drinker in my social and work circles), I usually got away with "I'm taking a break from the booze". In my drinking circles, people did that from time to time too. "Detoxes" were pretty common in that group.

As months went by and it became clear this was a long-term change, I would say a little more, like: I felt much better not drinking, that I was tired of using it as a crutch or stress-reliever, even sometimes stating that there's a history of alcohol abuse in my family and I thought I should stop before it became a real problem.

About a year on, sometimes I even said straight out I had a problem with booze and I don't drink anymore. It just got easier and easier to be straightforward, because the shame factor (as an alcoholic) diminished and the pride factor (as a recovering alcoholic) increased.

Do what works for you and what you're comfortable with. It can help to be a little evasive early on IME, because you're just dealing with so much. As you get more comfortable in your recovery, it becomes less and less of a big deal, and your responses will probably get more confident.

Loads of brilliant advice above Readygo. I just wanted to address your final paragraph about seeing someone you feel doesn't like you. I get that.... I can pick up vibes off people very quickly and those vibes aren't always nice! Now I remind myself that other people's opinions of me are none of my business. I can't possibly know what's going on inside someone else's mind or the reasons why. All I can deal with is what I'm thinking about .... and as long as I'm feeling happy, grateful for everything I have and determined to put as many positive vibes out into the universe. .... well, nothing else (including other people's opinions) really matters. Stay strong, stay sober and stay positive. .... everything else sorts itself out xxxx