Acoa
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Acoa
Hi, I am new to this forum. I am trying to figure out a relationship I had with an ACOA. I am also an ACOA, but did not grow up in that environment. My dad always had an addictive personality, but didn’t start having a problem with alcohol until after retirement.
I was in a very loving relationship with an ACOA who was also abused as a child. He had many issues with defense mechanisms, jealousy and emotional immaturity. As we progressed in our relationship, he started withdrawing. He wanted so much for me to marry him, live with him, and be with him. I never pressured or forced anything. His prior relationships and marriage were very high conflict with a lot of criticism. I was very calm compared to these.
It seems like out of the blue (and in the midst of telling me how much he loved me), he just jumped into a new relationship. He was often scared I would leave him. Now he is in this on again off again relationship with a girl who is very unstable and breaks up with him every week.
He cries and is in therapy and is not happy, but keeps choosing her. I’ve offered to be there, go to counseling with him and I’ve always been understanding and civil. He stays in communication with me and won’t let go, but also won’t leave his relationship although he knows it’s unhealthy and unsustainable.
All this after getting a fresh start after his divorce. It’s very confusing and hurtful to me. And I wonder why I am so attached still.
I was in a very loving relationship with an ACOA who was also abused as a child. He had many issues with defense mechanisms, jealousy and emotional immaturity. As we progressed in our relationship, he started withdrawing. He wanted so much for me to marry him, live with him, and be with him. I never pressured or forced anything. His prior relationships and marriage were very high conflict with a lot of criticism. I was very calm compared to these.
It seems like out of the blue (and in the midst of telling me how much he loved me), he just jumped into a new relationship. He was often scared I would leave him. Now he is in this on again off again relationship with a girl who is very unstable and breaks up with him every week.
He cries and is in therapy and is not happy, but keeps choosing her. I’ve offered to be there, go to counseling with him and I’ve always been understanding and civil. He stays in communication with me and won’t let go, but also won’t leave his relationship although he knows it’s unhealthy and unsustainable.
All this after getting a fresh start after his divorce. It’s very confusing and hurtful to me. And I wonder why I am so attached still.
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Location: St Louis, MO
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Have you considered attending alanon meetings? They are helpful for understanding codependency and relationship issues with alcoholics and the effects growing up with an alcoholic may have had on our development. I think you should start with understanding yourself and your own life direction before you worry about understanding his motivations and choices. Sorry you are hurting. People who jump passionately from one relationship into another are rebounding and really need some time on their own before they can have a true healthy relationship.
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Yes. I started therapy in order to figure out a few things in the relationship while I was still in it. I discussed it with my therapist for about a year.
We both went through divorces to be together so there is a lot that goes with it and that’s why I sought therapy. I just never expected him to quit and just start sharing his life with someone else out of the blue. He tried to overdose after he broke up with me (about 2 months after) and was still with this girl who he says is so different and he has to keep chasing bc he is never good enough. Says breaking up with me was unintentional and I was his calm. I don’t know what to believe from him anymore.
Now he is in therapy to figure out why he chose an unhealthy relationship again after his ex wife. Still says he loves me and he knows that I am very good for him, but I feel like he is so enmeshed with her. My therapist says he could have a love addiction and ambivalent attachment. Also that he might have realized that he can’t show up for me emotionally.
He can’t talk to me face to face without drinking now. He’s so uncomfortable. It’s sad.
We both went through divorces to be together so there is a lot that goes with it and that’s why I sought therapy. I just never expected him to quit and just start sharing his life with someone else out of the blue. He tried to overdose after he broke up with me (about 2 months after) and was still with this girl who he says is so different and he has to keep chasing bc he is never good enough. Says breaking up with me was unintentional and I was his calm. I don’t know what to believe from him anymore.
Now he is in therapy to figure out why he chose an unhealthy relationship again after his ex wife. Still says he loves me and he knows that I am very good for him, but I feel like he is so enmeshed with her. My therapist says he could have a love addiction and ambivalent attachment. Also that he might have realized that he can’t show up for me emotionally.
He can’t talk to me face to face without drinking now. He’s so uncomfortable. It’s sad.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
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It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for you. This has to hurt. You have invested a lot. I would take a step back and consider what exactly you benefit from continuing in this relationship. Focusing on and trying to figure out what is wrong with him is not going to be productive. You will not find that answer. Let him chase this other woman without you waiting in the wings. I would be completely unavailable to him. You deserve much more. If you settle for less than you deserve, he will give you less than you deserve.
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Thank you - I know I need to be unavailable. I think I’m still in shock and it’s been almost a year! It’s because we still have contact and I see his family. He doesn’t text me often, but will post little things here or there to keep a superficial connection. He is comfortable with his arrangement but it’s so painful.
I understand it rationally but still struggle with it. It’s also very hard for me to ignore anyone. On the chance we do talk, he acts like he is single and no longer with her....
I don’t know how to be unavailable or mean because I don’t think he’s intentionally hurting me, just being very selfish in trying to get his needs met.
I understand it rationally but still struggle with it. It’s also very hard for me to ignore anyone. On the chance we do talk, he acts like he is single and no longer with her....
I don’t know how to be unavailable or mean because I don’t think he’s intentionally hurting me, just being very selfish in trying to get his needs met.
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Originally Posted by Nwish 
I don’t think he’s intentionally hurting me, just being very selfish in trying to get his needs met.
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We both went through divorces to be together so there is a lot that goes with it and that’s why I sought therapy.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Looks like you guys were having an affair before the divorce? That in itself comes with lots of issues so very good that you are in therapy. My experience has been that relationships that start during marriages are usually full of 'other' issues....frankly, he might be doing you a favor by choosing another woman. Whether or not any of his behavior has to do with being an ACOA is hard to tell from your post. Sounds like a guy who wants to keep his options open.
If I had it to do again, I would work on myself, stay out of relationships for a while until I settled the issues that caused the downfall of my marriage. Then, when ready, start a relationship with a healthy person who is ready for the same commitment I am. I didn't do this and I brought all my crap, plus his, into our relationship. Not to mention a lot of resentments on both sides. Not a good thing.
I would invite you to see the silver lining here.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Looks like you guys were having an affair before the divorce? That in itself comes with lots of issues so very good that you are in therapy. My experience has been that relationships that start during marriages are usually full of 'other' issues....frankly, he might be doing you a favor by choosing another woman. Whether or not any of his behavior has to do with being an ACOA is hard to tell from your post. Sounds like a guy who wants to keep his options open.
If I had it to do again, I would work on myself, stay out of relationships for a while until I settled the issues that caused the downfall of my marriage. Then, when ready, start a relationship with a healthy person who is ready for the same commitment I am. I didn't do this and I brought all my crap, plus his, into our relationship. Not to mention a lot of resentments on both sides. Not a good thing.
I would invite you to see the silver lining here.
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Thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience. I know how it all sounds. There is a lot of baggage but I thought I could handle it. I didn’t realize how anxious he really was and how he needed so much chaos to feel normal. I think he is still upset that I didn’t flip out on him or chase and fight for him. I don’t want to play games. It’s just really baffling how he could want so much from me and act completely in love and then just run. His behavior is very immature in an emotional way. Like a little boy.
Even if he did me a favor I still feel very confused by his feelings and his ability to give up when he could barely live without me (a red flag for sure). I also feel like I lost my best friend. He would tell me that too and wants to keep me in his life, but on his terms. Thanks for listening
Even if he did me a favor I still feel very confused by his feelings and his ability to give up when he could barely live without me (a red flag for sure). I also feel like I lost my best friend. He would tell me that too and wants to keep me in his life, but on his terms. Thanks for listening
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