SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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coffeespoon 06-20-2018 05:17 PM

Starting a new journey today
 
I first found SR last year while looking for support in dealing with a family member's addiction. Reading everyone's posts helped give me hope and support during that time.

Now I am trying to face my own addiction. I have smoked marijuana daily for over 13 years, and all day every day for close to 5 years. In the past three months, I've cut down to one or two bowls a night. Now I'm trying to quit completely. Today is my first sober day.

I want to quit because weed has made me lethargic, unmotivated, and emotionally stunted and unavailable. I used it as a coping mechanism for the anxiety and depression I've dealt with all my life. For many years, it sort of worked, granting me mental distance from my worries and giving me the euphoric feeling I couldn't easily find on my own. Of course, using only made my actual problems worse, and also robbed me of the chance to grow emotionally. Eventually it stopped being fun, and just became a very expensive habit that wrecked my mental health and a lot of my relationships.

Recently when I've smoked I've started having panic attacks and anxiety. I believe this is my body and brain's way of telling me to step back and consider my choices. I tried to quit last year, but quickly gave that up when stress from family drama prompted me to retreat into my dark smoky cave again. Which of course led to another round of depression.

Now I find myself staring down 34, wondering where all the years went, where all my friends and dreams went, and why I feel so empty. Sadly, I know the answer is "into the pipe."

I've been working toward a new path for over a year. A year of getting off emotion-deadening prescription pills, a year of trying to exercise and meditate regularly, a year of attempting to resurrect old hobbies and find entertainment beyond the next bowl. That's actually been pretty successful, and I feel better than I have in a long time, which is giving me the motivation to take the next step and quit completely.

I know quitting will be difficult, partly because my partner is still a daily smoker, and partly because my identity and lifestyle have been wrapped up in this drug for a long, long time. Stress and plain ol' boredom are my biggest triggers. But I am hopeful that I am finally, after years of half-hearted attempts, ready to quit. I am actually looking forward to working the THC out of my system and giving sober life a try. I'm sure that will wear off as the withdrawal and sober reality sets in, but I'm braced for a long journey, and mindful of why and how I got here.

I appreciate everyone who posts here – it's been really helpful to read about others' journeys, and to feel like I'm less alone in my struggle. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, so I'm very grateful for SR. I'm posting this to force myself into accountability, and to let other people in similar situations know that the struggle is real and is shared by others. Let's walk a new path together.

rascalwhiteoak 06-20-2018 06:33 PM

Hi Coffeespoon. Taking the first step and joining/posting here keeps me sober. Years prior to quitting alcohol, I quit smoking pot due to the anxiety you describe. You can do it — it's worth it!

coffeespoon 06-20-2018 07:31 PM

Thanks, rascalwhiteoak. Glad sobriety has been worth it for you. I think it will be the same for me. :)

least 06-20-2018 08:22 PM

Welcome to the family. :) You might be interested in our specific marijuana forum too. Lots of insight there. :)

Nonsensical 06-21-2018 02:27 AM

Awesome! Welcome to SR.

Best of Luck on Your Journey! :ring

PhoenixJ 06-21-2018 04:06 AM

Welcome! Professional Support is a HAVE TO for me (booze). Psychoist- CBT to change thinking and feelings and a GP for health and my depression/anxiety.
For the booze addiction- some way to release crazy thoughts- art, exercise, writing..AND meetings..
support to you.

Dee74 06-21-2018 04:54 AM

Hi and welcome to this side of the boards Coffeespoon :)

I smoked daily for the best part of 30 years and one of the best things I ever did was quit pot.

You'll find lot of support and encouragement here, both in this forum and our Marijuana forum as well.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ana-addiction/

D

coffeespoon 06-21-2018 11:48 AM

Thanks, least and Dee. I have read a lot of the posts on the Marijuana board, and am thankful for the opportunity to hear about people on a similar journey to mine. I may start a thread over there.

PhoenixJ, thanks for your thoughts. I have worked with a CBT before, and that was helpful. Right now meditation and reading recovery books is helping me to re-train my brain, but if I can't keep this up, I'll go back to a professional for help. I probably do owe my GP a visit though – it's been a while.

Nonsensical and everybody else, thanks for your support. :)

Made it through yesterday and felt pretty good. Even while my partner was smoking next to me, I was fine turning it down. Today of course I find myself rationalizing why I should smoke tonight, how I didn't smoke last night so I know I can do it... so maybe I'll just prolong my taper and alternate days for now... or maybe smoke this weekend since I'll have gone days without by then.

I know this is just my messed up addict brain following the path of least resistance. After this many years of smoking I've rewired by brain so that "reward" equates to smoking for me. Although "dealing with disappointment," "facing worries," and "being bored" also equate to smoking. Funny how that works. It's not like I even really enjoy smoking anymore, it's just a habit.

I have to get used to rewarding myself with something else. Books are the next best thing and I can't read while stoned (at least not if I want to remember anything or make it farther than page two), so I will plan on curling up with a good book and some tea instead of with the pipe and mindless TV.

Thanks for the support, folks. Hope you're all staying strong and enjoying yourselves. :grouphug:

PhoenixJ 06-21-2018 02:48 PM

CS- good CBTing on the reward stuff. Pavlov would be proud of you!
I am not going to push the prof. help- or meetings angle, because by saying I won't- I have.
A plan- what to do when stuff happens. It may seem arbitrary - but using exemplars helps me- if I can do it this time, that means the next completely different next time, I have more skills to work with.
Support to you.


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