Major life changes in the 1st year?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Major life changes in the 1st year?
Hello SR friends,
I have read a lot about not making any major life changes during the first year of recovery. This includes starting a new relationship, moving to a new city, starting a new business, and even buying a home. What are your thoughts or experiences with this concept?
I am almost 5 months sober and all of these things have crossed my mind..and not because I'm running away from anything. I now feel the strength to run towards some of my dreams and goals that got put on the back burner. Should I hold off?
Any input is welcomed!
WF
I have read a lot about not making any major life changes during the first year of recovery. This includes starting a new relationship, moving to a new city, starting a new business, and even buying a home. What are your thoughts or experiences with this concept?
I am almost 5 months sober and all of these things have crossed my mind..and not because I'm running away from anything. I now feel the strength to run towards some of my dreams and goals that got put on the back burner. Should I hold off?
Any input is welcomed!
WF
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think everyone needs to make their own call on this.
It's just that all those things can be stressful and can separate you from recovery at a very vulnerable time. It's your call, though. I'm glad I kept things simple and focused on the things in my life that truly needed to change. I didn't do any of those things you listed.
I did understand that I had nothing to run away from that wasn't in that eight inches between my own ears.
It's just that all those things can be stressful and can separate you from recovery at a very vulnerable time. It's your call, though. I'm glad I kept things simple and focused on the things in my life that truly needed to change. I didn't do any of those things you listed.
I did understand that I had nothing to run away from that wasn't in that eight inches between my own ears.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
I had to move at the very beginning of my recovery due to my husband's job. I moved to a city where English was not the first language and I was unable to work. It was a lot of change and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The Universe was supporting me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sometimes life changes are unavoidable.....regardless of where they fall on any timeline.
the no big changes in the first year is more urban legend than fact. but it is pretty sound advice for the newly recovered. getting sober and staying sober is hard work, stressful, consuming. a year sober is still considered early recovery....but by then the individual has a solid 365ish days of not drinking under their belt, they've been thru the seasons, holidays, birthdays, other significant events. they've had the chance to make recovery a HABIT. getting over the pink cloud phase, the "i got this phase", the do i really WANT to be sober phase.
launching into a new romance is going to be distracting. it can be all too easy to get caught up in the endorphins and the "good feelings" and wanting to spend more and more time together, which means less time doing other things.
moving house/moving across country can be hugely stressful. depending on where the person lands it can be a very foreign strange place, with a negligible support system, leaving the individual vulnerable.
finally, putting big decisions on hold teaches us patience. we are so used to instant gratification, i want what i want and i want it NOW. if something is meant to be, it will be in another week, or month or year. we learn to slow down, think things ALL the way through, examine options and alternatives, craft a plan, hone that plan, and then start the steps to execute the plan. understanding that just cuz WE want it, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. we learn to see the signs and not barrel ahead.
the no big changes in the first year is more urban legend than fact. but it is pretty sound advice for the newly recovered. getting sober and staying sober is hard work, stressful, consuming. a year sober is still considered early recovery....but by then the individual has a solid 365ish days of not drinking under their belt, they've been thru the seasons, holidays, birthdays, other significant events. they've had the chance to make recovery a HABIT. getting over the pink cloud phase, the "i got this phase", the do i really WANT to be sober phase.
launching into a new romance is going to be distracting. it can be all too easy to get caught up in the endorphins and the "good feelings" and wanting to spend more and more time together, which means less time doing other things.
moving house/moving across country can be hugely stressful. depending on where the person lands it can be a very foreign strange place, with a negligible support system, leaving the individual vulnerable.
finally, putting big decisions on hold teaches us patience. we are so used to instant gratification, i want what i want and i want it NOW. if something is meant to be, it will be in another week, or month or year. we learn to slow down, think things ALL the way through, examine options and alternatives, craft a plan, hone that plan, and then start the steps to execute the plan. understanding that just cuz WE want it, doesn't mean it will come to fruition. we learn to see the signs and not barrel ahead.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by wildflower70 
...starting a new relationship, moving to a new city, starting a new business, and even buying a home. ...I am almost 5 months sober and all of these things have crossed my mind.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
One issue with following this AA-ish advice is that life doesn't wait for you.
In the past 3 years I've moved in with my fiance, got re-married, had a kid and am now starting a new job in the fall. I also finally quit drinking.
I wish I had the time and space to get through getting sober without those other things happening. On the other hand, maybe I would have put off finally quitting had I not had my life to take care of. I can't say for sure. But here I am, sober as I've ever been and I will always be. And I've also experienced how all the aspects of life required me to try and be my best self - which, as we all know, can only be accomplished sober.
Not a lot of advice in my post. Guess just a slightly contrarian perspective.
In the past 3 years I've moved in with my fiance, got re-married, had a kid and am now starting a new job in the fall. I also finally quit drinking.
I wish I had the time and space to get through getting sober without those other things happening. On the other hand, maybe I would have put off finally quitting had I not had my life to take care of. I can't say for sure. But here I am, sober as I've ever been and I will always be. And I've also experienced how all the aspects of life required me to try and be my best self - which, as we all know, can only be accomplished sober.
Not a lot of advice in my post. Guess just a slightly contrarian perspective.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Yayaya to 5 months!!!
I bought my first house when I was 7 months sober! Best decision EVER!
I am in no rush for a relationship, just left an 11 year relationship at 5 months sober.
I vacationed at 4 months sober
I totally agree with the relationship aspect, 1 year plus!!!!
We still live, just better choices are being made.
Not drinking is a daily practice!
I bought my first house when I was 7 months sober! Best decision EVER!
I am in no rush for a relationship, just left an 11 year relationship at 5 months sober.
I vacationed at 4 months sober
I totally agree with the relationship aspect, 1 year plus!!!!
We still live, just better choices are being made.
Not drinking is a daily practice!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
I think the advice to put off big life decisions comes from people who've taken a retrospective look at a year gone by, and thought, "wow, that was tough; I tried a lot of things that didn't work out and made me less stable."
I can understand that.
But I bet it's recall bias. Meaning that people are more likely to look back after a difficult year and say "I shouldn't have tried to do all that," than they are to look back after a successful year and say "wow, this year was pretty good; It think everyone should buy a house, start a relationship, get a new job, and move within the first 12 months!" It just wouldn't occur to someone to give that kind of advice if things went well, while it would occur to advise people to take it slow if the year has its struggles.
This is a long way of saying that I don't think there's any magic to the one-year point. The answer will be for different for everyone. Some people will do better if they proactively keep things quiet; other people will do better if they follow opportunities as they arise.
And for some people, new settings will give a sense of a clean slate and a fresh start, and that can be empowering.
I can understand that.
But I bet it's recall bias. Meaning that people are more likely to look back after a difficult year and say "I shouldn't have tried to do all that," than they are to look back after a successful year and say "wow, this year was pretty good; It think everyone should buy a house, start a relationship, get a new job, and move within the first 12 months!" It just wouldn't occur to someone to give that kind of advice if things went well, while it would occur to advise people to take it slow if the year has its struggles.
This is a long way of saying that I don't think there's any magic to the one-year point. The answer will be for different for everyone. Some people will do better if they proactively keep things quiet; other people will do better if they follow opportunities as they arise.
And for some people, new settings will give a sense of a clean slate and a fresh start, and that can be empowering.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,418
I've heard it as no unnecessary changes.
Sometimes we have change thrust upon us - I had to move house in my first 6 months (forced move) and I also started a new relationship (unforced change).
It all worked out but sometimes it was HARD not to retreat to the bottle....
Be sure you're capable of travelling on rough seas would be my advice
D
Sometimes we have change thrust upon us - I had to move house in my first 6 months (forced move) and I also started a new relationship (unforced change).
It all worked out but sometimes it was HARD not to retreat to the bottle....
Be sure you're capable of travelling on rough seas would be my advice
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
If you remain sober I think you can handle more than you think. A major life change basically triggered my sobriety, but within the first year I sold my business, sold my house, bought a new house in a different city, started 2 new careers. Never could have done it being a drunk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Originally Posted by thomas11
If you remain sober I think you can handle more than you think. A major life change basically triggered my sobriety, but within the first year I sold my business, sold my house, bought a new house in a different city, started 2 new careers. Never could have done it being a drunk.
Do you think you made those changes because you had new clarity with a sober mind? I've been wanting to make some changes for a long time, particularly moving to a new city to start a business. While drinking the thought was overwhelming, but now it sounds exciting, and may be just the challenge I'm looking for!
Thanks for the input everyone!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. This advice comes from the rehab industry and is often touted in AA, though it has no connection with the AA program. Where I got sober the advice was no relationships for the first 100 years, or something equally stupid to tell a lonely 22 year old male.
I made some big decisions, the biggest to get sober, handing my will and life over to the care of God, getting a new job, getting right into the AA program, these were all decisions that were absolutely major in their extent and effect.
The relationship thing, I made all the classic mistakes there and learnt incredibly valuable lessons as the result. The biggest lesson being that
these things have no bearing on whether I would recover or not. They are external, and my problem is internal.
I think of all the alcoholics I have met and their stories. I and they drank in the total range of circumtsnaces. Job, no job, wife, no wife, house, no house, pots of money, no money, stressed no stress, sad, happy. There was no common set of circumstances that made an alcoholic drink, though all these things are often used as excuses.
The issue is the internal condition. Get right with that and you can handle anything.
I made some big decisions, the biggest to get sober, handing my will and life over to the care of God, getting a new job, getting right into the AA program, these were all decisions that were absolutely major in their extent and effect.
The relationship thing, I made all the classic mistakes there and learnt incredibly valuable lessons as the result. The biggest lesson being that
these things have no bearing on whether I would recover or not. They are external, and my problem is internal.
I think of all the alcoholics I have met and their stories. I and they drank in the total range of circumtsnaces. Job, no job, wife, no wife, house, no house, pots of money, no money, stressed no stress, sad, happy. There was no common set of circumstances that made an alcoholic drink, though all these things are often used as excuses.
The issue is the internal condition. Get right with that and you can handle anything.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
I made some pretty big decisions - kinda had too due to circumstances.
Sold my house, moved a little over an hour away... some other things.
I'm much better off for it. Though I can tell you it was stressful at times... not sure that's for everyone.
Helps if the changes you want to make are part of an overall bigger plan. If so, I say go for it, run toward that new life. Trust yourself. And when/ if you feel a bit lost or fearful in the midst of it just remind yourself you have a plan.
-B
Sold my house, moved a little over an hour away... some other things.
I'm much better off for it. Though I can tell you it was stressful at times... not sure that's for everyone.
Helps if the changes you want to make are part of an overall bigger plan. If so, I say go for it, run toward that new life. Trust yourself. And when/ if you feel a bit lost or fearful in the midst of it just remind yourself you have a plan.
-B
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 80
I guess it depends on the person. Every alcoholic is different, and what works for some, will not work for others. Do and make whatever changes make you happy. At the end of the day, you have the ultimate choice to not drink and stay sober, regardless of any life circumstances.
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