steve202020

Hi everyone,

I posted on here a couple of months ago about some of my struggles with binge drinking (mostly on weekends) and how it affected myself and my family.

Well, I managed to stay sober for a month but my wife and I have had a very stressful time with some stuff recently and my wife came home with some beers and offered me some. I had felt quite strong up until this point about not drinking but seeing some cold cans in front of me, and with my wife being so casual about it, I just couldn't resist. I am still to weak to resist it if it put in front of me.

Anyway, I ended up going out to buy some more, we both drank a lot and then she asked if she could go out with a couple of friends. I didn't object as I always try to be as accomodating as possible and our daughter was with Grandparents this evening. Anyway, I continued drinking but after two in the morning my wife still hadn't returned and she wasn't answering her phone. We are both self employed together and I was worrying about being able to get to work in the morning and wondering where she was...

Anyway, at about 4:00am she returned absolutely slaughtered which was unusual for her to be honest, as she doesn't tend to binge drink like I do, she normally stops at one or two drinks. She threw up everywhere, and I found out that an ex boyfriend had given her a ride home. We had a huge argument and she gave me a black eye and I hit her back in the arm, which I am absolutely ashamed about as I have never done anything like that before. I then went looking for the ex boyfriend, whom I blamed for getting her in this state, found him, and punched him in his face.

I am absolutely disgusted with myself and don't really know where to go from here. I need help to stop drinking once and for all so I don't do stupid stuff like this again. I have a young daughter whom I love very much and I don't want her to grow up with a Dad who can be capable of things like this. It is only when I drink that I can be capable of things like this.

I've told all my close friends about what happened and said enough is enough with the drinking. That this time I really mean to do it. But they always say they understand but then a few weeks later it's like they have forgotten about it and just want to carry on as normal and have some beers together.

I am thinking about whether I should go to the Doctors and get some antisbuse, or something similar? Would anyone reccomend something like that. My Dad used to take it as he was an out and out alcoholic who ended up in re-hab, but when he started taking antibuse it was very rare when he drank, and when he did he normally ended up in hospital.

I'm also thinking about getting involved in a religion which is anti drinking, just so I can be around likeminded people who don't want to drink alcohol. I need non drinking friends in my life.

I am desperate for any help. If can't sort things out soon I could end up losing my marriage, everything. If the ex boyfriend I punched reports me to the police for example, I could end up getting arrested, so I am still a bit paranoid about that.

I need help......

apollo986

30 days is great Steve! Take the high road with respects to your wife. Get back on your program and lead by example. Without my faith in Christ I don't know where I'd be.

Stay the course.
Mike

calmself

Please call up the ex - bf and apologize first. That will take care of the big issue. Next apologize to your wife and ask her what happened. Admit that both of you went overboard and should start a new path to take care of your kid.

rich27

Meeting with "friends" but didn't mention the ex-boyfriend involved in the company, then to come home hammered, can turn into an on-going situation. Have you met the ex? You may want to ask your gf about the ex-boyfriend and what his involvement is. Not out of insecurity or jealousy, but for clarification. I've been there and know how it feels.

I hope you both work things out and support each other in sobriety.

Best wishes.

Lizajane

Steve,
Repeated congratulations on a month. Very common to relapse and test the waters on whether you "handle" drinking now. Agree with calmself, say you apologies. Next, WITHOUT blaming your wife for the evening's events, let her know that in order to quit drinking you need your home to be alcohol free for now. That does not need to be a permanent thing, but definitely a for now thing. You don't know when you are going to hear your addictive voice calling and I think when these things catch us by surprise, we are often not prepared to fight the fight. You need predictable right now. Friends, well that will take time. If you are not strong enough to be with them in drinking situations right now, you need to decline. And finally, you don't need a new religion to be among non drinkers. AA is every where and I bet there are a lot of people at any church who just don't drink! Good luck

steve202020

This is how I remember feeling at the time- suspicious, angry and hurt, especially because this ex also has a track record of cheating with other people's girlfriends/partners. And I was horribly drunk so I wasn't thinking straight, and after seeing the state she was in, I just saw red and started a verbal argument with her, and made accusations. She punched me because she just wanted to be left alone to vomit in peace. She really hit me hard though, I have a very bruised eye which is embarressing because I take my daughter to playschool and people notice these things and make judgements.

But I have had it confirmed from a reliable source who was there that he was innocent this time. He was actually going to pick up his current girlfriend and my wife aparently asked him to help get her home because she was feeling sick. He obliged.

So I've really messed up, and if I hadn't drank, I might have been able to think things through before reacting like such such a jerk......

Dee74

Hey Steve sorry you're struggling.

Have you thought about some meeting based real life support to help keep you sober - AA SMART, Lifering or something of that ilk?

Its a big step sure, but you sounds like you're in pretty deep.

The violence has me worried too - is it a new thing?

D

Anna

The violence is a big concern for me. Is physical abuse between you and your wife the norm? I truly hope not. And, I think you should contact the ex who you punched and apologize and find out if he plans to have you arrested. The incident could be life-changing, so talking to him could be helpful.

I am glad you are planning to stop drinking. You can talk to your dr about the medication and see what he thinks. I haven't used it, but it could be a tool to help with sobriety. Getting involved in a church could also be helpful. And, SR is always a good place to read and post.

steve202020

Anna- no, there has never been violence before from either of us and it is worrying what happened.

I am just sickened by it. I asked her if she wanted me to leave yesterday and she said no.

But I feel like I should take some time out anyway because I just feel so ashamed.

The problem is, we are so tied up with one another- raising child, finances, running a business etc. And I do really love her.

But I can't have her just turning up with beers and casually offering me one. I can be strong but when it is in front of me it is really hard to resist. I already explained to her many times that I can't drink, that my Dad was an alcoholic etc. When we first starting dating nine years ago neither of us were drinkers as we had both quit drinking. She knew the reasons why I gave it up.

We also met through our church at the time (which promotes not drinking) but we left our church a few years ago and then the drinking started again.

steve202020

I know that if I never touch a drop of alcohol again that stuff like this can not happen again. It is in my hands, so to speak. But it's easier said than done, when everyone around me seems to be doing it and making out like it's a normal thing. Eventually, after time, my mind will start forgetting about the bad things that happened and telling me it will be ok to have a couple etc, which will then turn into binge drinking again.

I need a support group of people who are strongly opposed to drinking, or at least, just don't ever drink and do other, more worthwhile and wholesome things with their time. I need to be assosciating more with people like that, otherwise I will end up relapsing again. I could also become a hermit but I'vee tried that before and it doesn't work as I need human contact.

I gave up drinking before for a number of years so I know I can do it again if I just have the right support group and friends. I am thinking about reconnecting with some old friends from my church, but my wife is opposed to that as she thinks they will just exploit the situation to try to bring us back into the church (which she has some issues with).

This is why I am thinking about anti-buse or something similar. Some of my teenage memories were of my Dad suffering in hospital because of anti-buse though. My Mum always made him take it every morning and it stopped his drinking from being a daily thing but he still occasionally took his chances with it (maybe twice a year or something) and usually had to be taken away in an ambulance or driven to hospital by my Mum.

So I know I can't take this stuff lightly.

I just know I have had enough of the alcohol. I have hit rock bottom with it. I just want to be free as I know I am a much better human being without it.

I feel so frustrated that the age of 36 I am still having to battle with it, the shame, the guilt of things I do under the influence etc

JOHNNIEH63

Hi Steve,

If you can, just try and take a moment before jumping ahead and worrying about what's happened. I know that's easier said than done, but trying to second guess what happens next is a trap to fall back to what comes easiest ... and we all know what that is !!

It's the most natural thing to just want to fix everything immediately, solve all the distressing stuff so that you have a flat playing field.
I have been a binge drinker too, for a long time. It's like beating yourself up or self-harming, and that's the frustration. Don't feel ashamed or guilty, many of us have our similar horror stories.

I too had a situation where my wife did the same things some years back, and I wanted to find the guy and do serious damage. Luckily that never happened, but I still tracked the phone number down and phoned his wife, drunk, to ask politely, if he'd refrain from contacting mine. I don't know whether their marriage survived, but my actions weren't all that honourable to me. It's done though, and I try not to look back.

I tried Antabuse some years back, and in all honesty I couldn't cope with sober life at the time, so I waited 6 days and got hammered again. Not saying it wouldn't be useful to you, but urges are powerful and you have to be honest and keep taking them. I'm on day 60 today, feeling better, and all I take is some anti-depressant medication that the Dr gave me.

If I can do it, I think you'll be able to - my binge drinking was heavy.
Wishing you all the best,
Johnnie.

Mango212

Hi Steve,

My story:

I'm not alcoholic. I'm a family member who's in recovery from this family disease of alcoholism.

I've been to domestic abuse help centers for counseling. There's many kinds of abuse besides physical violence. They are every bit as damaging. Many abuse centers are able to help men as well as women. It's okay to reach out for help. It's not okay that your wife hit you.

I received no judgment, much support, insight and resources. Whether alcohol use is involved or not, emotional, verbal or physical abuse has resources for free recovery support. Abuse and alcohol use are two separate issues that can be intertwined.

One step at a time. One day at a time.

I've learned how to show up as a parent in new ways as I pray and reach out for support. Kudos to you for stepping up, reaching out for help here, staying connected to a good resource here and being open to finding more non-alcohol areas of support.

Hevyn

Steve - I'm really glad you're here with us & that you wanted to talk about the incident.

Every time alcohol was in my system it turned me into a stranger. I did so many out-of-character things & put myself in serious danger. What would start out as a fun, relaxing time almost always ended up with arguments & confrontations. I'm a very quiet, reserved person normally. I came to the same conclusion you have - if I didn't drink these things could never happen. Seems so obvious - but it took me a long time to actually take action. I was way older than 36. I'm so glad you've made this crucial decision to change your life.

thomas11

You sound like a pretty smart and dedicated guy who had a really bad night. I think you are justified in re-evaluating your relationship with alcohol. Maybe your wife too. You have too much to lose, especially to alcohol which is preventable. WIsh you the best.

rich27

It sounds a lot like a past relationship I once had. I was working and in school and she knew I didn't want to drink but she would bring home booze twice per week offering me drinks. It slowly evolved into more drinking on her part, her going out to a house party, then not coming home until the next morning "because she had too much too drink", then she got violent after I questioned her behavior. Sadly, I made the decision to leave the relationship but unlike your situation I was a step-parent.

I'm not saying she's going to be the same way but both of your heated emotions are coming out after alcohol is involved so that tells me there could be some underlying issue or issues going on. She knows you don't want to drink so where's the support? Sounds a little selfish to me. Secondly, she's a mother and probably shouldn't be putting herself in that situation in the first place where she's being driven home hammered by the ex or anyone else for that matter.

I'm with you on this one but I feel you may want to have a sober heart to heart with each other to get your feelings out in the open. Best wishes.

Ihadmyfill

Steve, Antabuse is a good first step. I was taking it for the first 3 months after my last binge and detox. It will make you sick for sure, and for me that was enough negative reinforcement to NOT drink. During that time I attended some AA and SMART meetings, which was a good second step for me. I have been in recovery now for 1 year and don't miss the poison one bit. Best wishes to you on your journey!

steve202020

Thank-you everyone for the replies, advice and information. I am still suffering from what happened last weekend and I have had a heart to heart (sober one) with my wife and we have made a few decisions.

We are probably going to separate for a while and see how things go. It's difficult because like I said, our lives are so entwined, and I am concerned about how this will effect our five year old daughter.

But as painful as this could end up being, giving up the alcohol is more important to me than anything right now. I need to get some momentum with it and circulate more with other non drinkers.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow and will ask about options including antabuse. I would like to try out AA but the problem is I live in a foreign country (my wife is Scandinavian) and don't speak the language well enough, and I'm not sure I would be able to get much out of the AA, and I can't expect them to speak English just for my benefit.

I'm also thinking about taking a week off to travel back to the UK soon to see my family, maybe get some advice from my Dad who has had to battle alcoholism all of his life and was much worse than me.

I'm going to keep reading posts on this site too, as it really helps to know that I'm not alone with this.

Thanks again, lets all stay sober

iwilltryagain

Steve - Stay strong brother...Sometimes things happen for good, see positive that comes out of all this....Prioritize your sobriety....you are on the driver seat and you are in control...it's up-to-you to drive the way you want. If you are sober you can make smart decisions and actions...

Give yourself a good new start....and drive on! Peace!

On a side note - Get a consultation from a Lawyer...it might cost a little bit but you will find peace and get some ideas on options....

Dee74

Looks like there are a few English speaking meeting groups available

https://www.google.com/maps/d/viewer...9599999998&z=6

you can always do online meetings too
http://aa-intergroup.org

least

I hope you will use all the resources available (including SR) to help you get sober for good this time. And when you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then temptation won't sway you.