Horn95

Today has been kind of up and down re anxiety, etc. But something happened that really caused me to reflect on my life with, and without alcohol.

This afternoon, I received a text from my second wife to inform me of some major developments in her professional life. A little background.

I met her 15 years ago this June 21 (yes, I remember the very day I met her). At the time she was 22 years old and working as a legal intern at the law firm I was at. I was fresh out of a divorce (which had nothing to do with alcohol). She was here on a work Visa from the Czech Republic. She was actually modeling at the time as well. She walked in the room and took my breath away. Literally. Stunningly beautiful.

I pursued her immediately, and we struck up a mad love affair. She went back to finish school, and over the next 3 years we would go back and forth from Europe and the U.S. to see each other. When she graduated school in Europe she moved here and we married a few months later.

As I had connections to some of the bigger law firms in my city, we were able to get her a job at a prestigious law firm doing international law. She did very well. The marriage was chugging along, at least so far as I could tell. But a constant refrain from her was, "do you have to drink so much?" Or, "I hate your drinking."

She left the firm job, and got an internship at a very prestigious court in Paris. That was Spring of '09. During the year leading up that, my drinking ramped up considerably. It was the height of the Great Recession, and I had gone to work for a firm that, unbeknownst to me, was deeply in debt. Literally, there were weekends when I would go to get a prescription filled and they would inform me that my insurance had lapsed due to the firm's nonpayment of premiums. It was a horrible time. I thought my career was in mortal danger. If the firm went belly up I was screwed as the job market was non-existent (at that point I had no resources to start my own firm). I had 4 small children to support, and a wife. Of course, my wife was complaining, rightfully so, of my drinking -- although I was not quite an alcoholic at that point (at least in terms of addiction).

When she returned in August, she started to prepare for attending the University of Michigan Law School, to get her Masters, for which I paid. I just knew something was wrong though. I cleaned up my drinking though.

Fast forward about 2 years later to mid-2011 she returned to Czech because she could not find work here (the market was still horrible). But she wanted to stay married, and I was still madly in love with her. Well she found work, but I was always asking when she would return. She always evaded the question.

Finally, I put it to her in 2014, commit to me about coming back, or I am divorcing you. She would not commit, so I divorced her in 2014. I later asked her why she would not return. First she said work, but then she said, you guessed it, "I hate your drinking, and I did not want to commit to someone so unstable." Mind you, I was only drinking about 3-4 days a week at that point. ("Only"... SMH)

We have kept in touch over the years because we always were and still are friends. But she texted me today to inform me that she got a job at a prestigious U.S. firm, and will be working out of their Prague and Washington, D.C. offices. I was/am very happy for her.

It all made me think, and I am still thinking about, all of the pain and havoc my drinking and eventual alcoholism has caused so many people I have loved -- even desperately. Relationships ruined.

And it made me think even more about my wonderful, wonderful wife (the one I have now -- that sounds bad doesn't it? ) I have put her through so much. But she has stuck by me through it all: detox, and all the relapses. The stupid fights (even though in many of those she was drinking too). I would have not have blamed her for having left me a long time ago. She deserved/s better. She is hard to read at times, and can be emotionally unavailable, but deep down she has a huge heart and is deeply caring. But I know I have caused her so much pain. All the while, I have been resentful, unappreciative, and self-centered -- heck just read some of my posts about my marriage.

I know we are not supposed to quit drinking for other people, but I must say, I don't want to hurt her anymore. I want to be a better man to her and her/our daughter (technically my step), and all those around me. I want to be better for all of the people in my life. And I cannot lose her by being a drunk -- although to some extent, that is beyond my control at this point (meaning the damage done so far may be irreparable). sigh. God, I hope it is not too late, or that the damage cannot be repaired. I am not freaking out. But I am scared, and sad about what I have done. All I can do now is try to get better, improve and hope she is there down the line.

In any event, my list for persons to make amends with at some point is certainly getting filled out already.

Dee74

Thats the bottom line.

I think we have to get better because we want to be better - all the other stuff like marriages etc flows from that?

D

Kdon853

I went to AA to placate my wife. Three days in, I realized that I was an alcoholic, finally surrendered and started working the steps.
I realize xe that I did a lot of damage, I’m just trying to be the best person that can be. Don’t know what f that makes sense.

thomas11

Truer words have never been spoken.

Horn95

Absolutely correct. And I really want to get better, for myself, and all those I care about.

Sorry about the long post.😋

BrandNewDay11

Horn95, I can definitely relate. The further I get in my sobriety and the clearer the depravity my drinking created I find myself being amazed that my husband didn't leave me. I knew when I was still drinking that he had been getting counseling of some sort but didn't really know the details. He has recently shared with me that he had been seeking advice from Al Anon (for families of alcoholics) and that they once told him if I ever attempted to drive while impaired he should let me go and call the police on me, but that he just didn't have it in him to do that to me. That was really hard for me to hear.

I know what you're feeling but just remember this: It's true you can't change the things you did in the past but you can go forward and make the best of each day you are now choosing to live as a clear and sober person. I will repeat the awesome advice I was giving by another member of this forum (Joandmelandhan) because it so profoundly struck a chord with me:

"I decided that the time for "sorry" was over and that my actions from that day had to act as my living amends to them. "

Focusing on what we can do going forward is so much more productive than stewing in regrets over mistakes made in the past.

Good luck to you and keep coming here!

Ladysadie

I just love it when you post, Horn. It's sincere, succinct, and honest. You write well and with such passion about your life. You should consider writing a book about your life as I'm sure there's "more to the story". I would buy it.

Thank you for sharing. We're honored to have your insights on your journey in sobriety.

Horn95

Thank you Sade!