Help! To break up with addict/recovering spouse
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Help! To break up with addict/recovering spouse
I’ve been with my spouse for 8years now. We have a 4 1/2 year old girl. Ever since I got pregnant at 24, his best and worst seemed to come out. He would get so drunk he’d be passing out in the lawn while I tried to drag him in, pregnant. But then again, he quit school to get a good job in order to support us.
After our daughter was born he began taking methadone and fentanyl from his sick father without my knowledge. He got his second DUI, then he lost his job due to missing so much of it, and we had to move in with his mom. That was one of his lowest points. He was using so much during that time, he looked like he was constantly sleep walking, and was so absent from our lives. I felt so alone, like I was raising our daughter by myself.
One night he purposefully overdosed on an entire bottle of methadone to spite me for criticizing him for falling drunk on his face in front of our daughter. I remember running through streets holding my daughter searching for him with the police. We had an intervention for him, which he basically slept through.
But he got a new job and seemed to get better. I would lie to myself and pretend he was fine, just tired, and not using. But I know he was never fully clean. But so much better, and he was trying so hard. However, he refused to get real help, claiming it didn’t fit his work schedule or budget. He never saved any money the entire time we lived for free at his moms.
Well he seemed much better, so we moved out on our own again. He seemed good for a while, with not too many slip ups. I would only know about something when I saw large chunks of money taken out of the bank account.
We then moved to a duplex and had just a few issues. He would slip up and not be able to pay rent. I’d have to help him out even though as a teacher I make much less than him. We didn’t have a shared bank account at this point.
Then my appendix burst and he was so helpful for that time. I saw the light at the end of that dark tunnel emerging. But then the doctors found a tumor in my appendix which seemed to trigger him and he began to slip up some more. He was mentally absent when I needed him the most. After a surgery I had, he took a couple of my pain pills, but to his credit told me about it right away.
His struggle was up and down, but it was my first full year teaching, and I was so stressed by everything that I wasn’t seeing it all. By the end of this school year we decided that we were sick of renting and wanted to save to buy a house. We decided to move in with our parents, and due to a lack of space chose to live separately. He is going to move in with his mom (who’s in a very small house now) and I with my parents. My daughter will primarily be with me since my parents are retired and can help take her and pick her up from school.
He has been taking suboxone and methadone purchased from a friend and his father in order to stop taking pills and whatnot. But I’ve been thinking so much lately about how little I trust him, how poor our sex life is, and how worried I am to commit to buying a house with him. I feel like his mom, cleaning everything, doing all the chores, and shopping by myself.
I’ve begun wanting to break up with him. I told some friends about it, who seemed thrilled. I felt so sure about breaking with him. I wanted to wait until after the move and after he had the chance to be better to do it. But then I noticed several hundred dollars taken from my account. I talked to him about it while he lay there in bed, trying to detox from suboxone and methadone. He said the money was for suboxone, but that it was so expensive that’s why he wanted to be done with it. He then asked for more money for pills to help him get by for work. I then told him that I wanted to help him get through everything, but that I just didn’t know about us and our future anymore.
Since then I’ve mostly moved to my parents. He’s reached out telling me he wasn’t ready to give up on us. He wants to get treatment, and go to counseling. Doesn’t want to throw away 8years. I do still love him, and now I feel so conflicted and guilty. I don’t know what to do and desperately need some advice. I feel so lost and depressed. I feel so guilty for not talking to him before about my feelings before immediately breaking up with him. I feel like I didn’t give him a chance, and just left him when was trying his hardest to get better. Please help. I don’t know what to say to him, or what to do.
After our daughter was born he began taking methadone and fentanyl from his sick father without my knowledge. He got his second DUI, then he lost his job due to missing so much of it, and we had to move in with his mom. That was one of his lowest points. He was using so much during that time, he looked like he was constantly sleep walking, and was so absent from our lives. I felt so alone, like I was raising our daughter by myself.
One night he purposefully overdosed on an entire bottle of methadone to spite me for criticizing him for falling drunk on his face in front of our daughter. I remember running through streets holding my daughter searching for him with the police. We had an intervention for him, which he basically slept through.
But he got a new job and seemed to get better. I would lie to myself and pretend he was fine, just tired, and not using. But I know he was never fully clean. But so much better, and he was trying so hard. However, he refused to get real help, claiming it didn’t fit his work schedule or budget. He never saved any money the entire time we lived for free at his moms.
Well he seemed much better, so we moved out on our own again. He seemed good for a while, with not too many slip ups. I would only know about something when I saw large chunks of money taken out of the bank account.
We then moved to a duplex and had just a few issues. He would slip up and not be able to pay rent. I’d have to help him out even though as a teacher I make much less than him. We didn’t have a shared bank account at this point.
Then my appendix burst and he was so helpful for that time. I saw the light at the end of that dark tunnel emerging. But then the doctors found a tumor in my appendix which seemed to trigger him and he began to slip up some more. He was mentally absent when I needed him the most. After a surgery I had, he took a couple of my pain pills, but to his credit told me about it right away.
His struggle was up and down, but it was my first full year teaching, and I was so stressed by everything that I wasn’t seeing it all. By the end of this school year we decided that we were sick of renting and wanted to save to buy a house. We decided to move in with our parents, and due to a lack of space chose to live separately. He is going to move in with his mom (who’s in a very small house now) and I with my parents. My daughter will primarily be with me since my parents are retired and can help take her and pick her up from school.
He has been taking suboxone and methadone purchased from a friend and his father in order to stop taking pills and whatnot. But I’ve been thinking so much lately about how little I trust him, how poor our sex life is, and how worried I am to commit to buying a house with him. I feel like his mom, cleaning everything, doing all the chores, and shopping by myself.
I’ve begun wanting to break up with him. I told some friends about it, who seemed thrilled. I felt so sure about breaking with him. I wanted to wait until after the move and after he had the chance to be better to do it. But then I noticed several hundred dollars taken from my account. I talked to him about it while he lay there in bed, trying to detox from suboxone and methadone. He said the money was for suboxone, but that it was so expensive that’s why he wanted to be done with it. He then asked for more money for pills to help him get by for work. I then told him that I wanted to help him get through everything, but that I just didn’t know about us and our future anymore.
Since then I’ve mostly moved to my parents. He’s reached out telling me he wasn’t ready to give up on us. He wants to get treatment, and go to counseling. Doesn’t want to throw away 8years. I do still love him, and now I feel so conflicted and guilty. I don’t know what to do and desperately need some advice. I feel so lost and depressed. I feel so guilty for not talking to him before about my feelings before immediately breaking up with him. I feel like I didn’t give him a chance, and just left him when was trying his hardest to get better. Please help. I don’t know what to say to him, or what to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Sarah,
I think you should follow your instincts here -you HAVE given him a chance, maybe a thousand chances. If he truly wants to get sober and get his life back on track, he will do so whether you are together or not. It is suggested in the rooms of AA & NA that newly sober people avoid dating for the first 12 months. I suggest that you give yourself 12 months of sanity without him, and if he has been sober, held a job, saved money, and helped support your child then maybe then you can reconsider.
The problem here is NOT the extent of your support, it is his lack of effort.
Keep posting, and good luck!
I think you should follow your instincts here -you HAVE given him a chance, maybe a thousand chances. If he truly wants to get sober and get his life back on track, he will do so whether you are together or not. It is suggested in the rooms of AA & NA that newly sober people avoid dating for the first 12 months. I suggest that you give yourself 12 months of sanity without him, and if he has been sober, held a job, saved money, and helped support your child then maybe then you can reconsider.
The problem here is NOT the extent of your support, it is his lack of effort.
Keep posting, and good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,908
Totally agree with poster above. It’s not your fault he was unavailable to work on a relationship with you. It would not be fair of him to ask you to continue in the same path. Which has not led to any lasting change. I hope you can get support for you. You’ve held up the whole family for longer than is right, even considering he has a disease. Stay strong. Post often and be proud you are modeling strength for your daughter.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
I have been the alcoholic girlfriend for years, but have not really dated for the last two years, apart from people that I had lunch with but don't want to date. My longtime ex could not change me. He gave me every chance and then some, other than stop drinking wine himself. Let's put it this way: I would not date me. Eventually I hope to find someone, when it happens it happens. However as others said, if a person is really out of control it's hard for them to commit to change. Rehab and all that is a good sign but when it comes to relationships there is a difference between love, codependency, depression or infatuation, it gets tricky. Also you don't know what he is up to where he is. Take it easy! Hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 3
me too!
But no kids,so my heart breaks for you Sarah. Today is our 10 year wedding anniversary,16.5 years together. I just got the umpteenth suicide speech - either blood-splattered out on our (main rd) residential street,or loudly daily drinking himself to death in the bar my uncle works at.
They are indeed class acts. i can only say this as an hour ago I staggered to the computer sobbing...and have just read posts from pages and pages of women/spouses/mothers of addicts who threaten the same thing.I can put it into perspective. Somewhere(?) there is a site with primarily only wives of addicts and reading four posts alone makes me WILD with anger.The manipulation, the playing on the guilt.. that we kind hearted ones aren't self-sacrificing enough...of our time,love,money,compassion,sanity...
They are lovely, then they withdraw then they are pathetic,then sick then wonderful...then they pour their hearts out to us then they let us down.No wonder we all have Stockholm Syndrome.
I look after disabled kids part-time and the past weeks I have been looking after two brothers whose mother has endless relationships with addicts. She insists it's all for them,that she wants them to have a Dad.They are only 5 and 8 but OMG you should hear the tragic,heartbreaking tales then tell me weepily of the sort of erratic manipulative 'dads" they have had.
So stay strong! My husband has just flung out to have his 'last EVER"walk with our dog who he has adored for 4.5 years but apparently now $45k and $900pw is not enough to support. Much melodrama about the bitch breaking both their hearts and having to abandon her now as he has to live on the streets after doing so much for us both.
same-same:-(
I work from home so have to rush out to the library and hope he doesn't trash the house as he leaves....if he does....
They are indeed class acts. i can only say this as an hour ago I staggered to the computer sobbing...and have just read posts from pages and pages of women/spouses/mothers of addicts who threaten the same thing.I can put it into perspective. Somewhere(?) there is a site with primarily only wives of addicts and reading four posts alone makes me WILD with anger.The manipulation, the playing on the guilt.. that we kind hearted ones aren't self-sacrificing enough...of our time,love,money,compassion,sanity...
They are lovely, then they withdraw then they are pathetic,then sick then wonderful...then they pour their hearts out to us then they let us down.No wonder we all have Stockholm Syndrome.
I look after disabled kids part-time and the past weeks I have been looking after two brothers whose mother has endless relationships with addicts. She insists it's all for them,that she wants them to have a Dad.They are only 5 and 8 but OMG you should hear the tragic,heartbreaking tales then tell me weepily of the sort of erratic manipulative 'dads" they have had.
So stay strong! My husband has just flung out to have his 'last EVER"walk with our dog who he has adored for 4.5 years but apparently now $45k and $900pw is not enough to support. Much melodrama about the bitch breaking both their hearts and having to abandon her now as he has to live on the streets after doing so much for us both.
same-same:-(
I work from home so have to rush out to the library and hope he doesn't trash the house as he leaves....if he does....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you
Thank you all for your added perspective. It is so hard to know sometimes if what I feel for him is love, or some sort of twisted codependent thing. Deep down, I still feel like leaving him is the right thing to do for both of us, but I still have those feelings of doubt and guilt.
I’m so sorry to all of you for everything you’ve experienced. But thanks to your responses, I feel like I finally have the support I’ve needed for so long, but never realized.
What tears me apart is knowing that he’s really trying right now. He’s finally going to a methadone clinic, and hopefully living with his mom soon will help.
I was on the phone with him yesterday to arrange a visit with my daughter, and he told me that I abandoned him when he needed me the most. He asked me if I could understand what that felt like. He said what if my cancer was worse and he just decided to leave me then... that’s what it’s like he told me. It made my heart just shatter. I know he’s trying to guilt me, and it’s working. I feel so bad for leaving him when he’s not actually using anything right now... as far as I know.
I have a hard time justifying the break up to him, and knowing what to say. I just know that I don’t want to live my life in fear of his overdose or relapse. My trust in him has been shattered, and everything he says I can’t help but have a seed of doubt. I’m too scared to commit to buying a house with him under these circumstances.
He’s so recently clean, and we’ve been through this cycle before. But I don’t want to say that and express my doubts in his ability and only make it harder for him.
I appreciate all of your support, from the bottom of my heart.
I’m so sorry to all of you for everything you’ve experienced. But thanks to your responses, I feel like I finally have the support I’ve needed for so long, but never realized.
What tears me apart is knowing that he’s really trying right now. He’s finally going to a methadone clinic, and hopefully living with his mom soon will help.
I was on the phone with him yesterday to arrange a visit with my daughter, and he told me that I abandoned him when he needed me the most. He asked me if I could understand what that felt like. He said what if my cancer was worse and he just decided to leave me then... that’s what it’s like he told me. It made my heart just shatter. I know he’s trying to guilt me, and it’s working. I feel so bad for leaving him when he’s not actually using anything right now... as far as I know.
I have a hard time justifying the break up to him, and knowing what to say. I just know that I don’t want to live my life in fear of his overdose or relapse. My trust in him has been shattered, and everything he says I can’t help but have a seed of doubt. I’m too scared to commit to buying a house with him under these circumstances.
He’s so recently clean, and we’ve been through this cycle before. But I don’t want to say that and express my doubts in his ability and only make it harder for him.
I appreciate all of your support, from the bottom of my heart.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend, first and foremost, he abandoned himself. And he abandoned the relationship.
He isn't a puppy, or a toddler. This is pure manipulation on his part. Please, please, please prioritize taking care of yourself.
He isn't a puppy, or a toddler. This is pure manipulation on his part. Please, please, please prioritize taking care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but he doesn't HAVE cancer....he has a disease that can be brought to a full STOP by not using drugs ever again. and he can do that anytime, anywhere. he could have made that choice long ago.....last month or last year.
NONE of this is on you. unless you forced the drugs down his throat. while you sound concerned for his well being, i'm not hearing much from him except concern for SELF. he's of no use to anyone unless he gets completely off the drugs and gets his head on straight. and that remains to be seen.......
NONE of this is on you. unless you forced the drugs down his throat. while you sound concerned for his well being, i'm not hearing much from him except concern for SELF. he's of no use to anyone unless he gets completely off the drugs and gets his head on straight. and that remains to be seen.......
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SarahES 
What tears me apart is knowing that he’s really trying right now. He’s finally going to a methadone clinic, and hopefully living with his mom soon will help.
, and he told me that I abandoned him when he needed me the most. He asked me if I could understand what that felt like. He said what if my cancer was worse and he just decided to leave me then... that’s what it’s like he told me. It made my heart just shatter. I know he’s trying to guilt me, and it’s working. I feel so bad for leaving him when he’s not actually using anything right now... as far as I know.
, and he told me that I abandoned him when he needed me the most. He asked me if I could understand what that felt like. He said what if my cancer was worse and he just decided to leave me then... that’s what it’s like he told me. It made my heart just shatter. I know he’s trying to guilt me, and it’s working. I feel so bad for leaving him when he’s not actually using anything right now... as far as I know.
so in a sense, hes still using in his mind.
this is a grown man,correct? someone that survuved before you,correct?
something else to think about:
He has been taking suboxone and methadone purchased from a friend and his father in order to stop taking pills and whatnot
hes taking addictive drugs to get off of pills hes addicted to. NOT prescribed by a doctor FOR HIM.doesnt matter if he doesnt have insurance and cant see a doctor to get them. its not monitored.
being a cancer survivor myself, along with being an alcoholic/addict, the 2 are NOT comparable. cancer never once made me act like i did what i was high as a kite and drunk as cooter brown.
please.dont let him guilt trip ya with that line of crap.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
SarahES
I am a recovered alcoholic for 20 years, but I also have attended many, many Al-Anon meetings. I don't know if you're familiar, but Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. I sure can identify with the emotional ups and downs you're going through. I allowed my youngest son to guilt trip me for 23 years over his dad's and my divorce. My son was an opioid addict. I gave him money, a home, totally supported him, his wife, and my two grandchildren for years. I got so emotionally sick that I could barely function. Every waking moment of my days was thinking about what he was thinking of me, what could I say to him, and on and on and on. Finally, I had to have some relief and started attending Al-Anon meetings. My son was also on the meds you've mentioned. But an alcoholic/addict is never, never honest about how much they're using. My son is the who ended the relationship for a while. During that time I attended more and more Al-Anon meetings. When I cut off the money and no longer let him hold me hostage with all of his drama and the guilt tripping,, he got off the drugs, has a job, his own home, and has turned out to be quite the man I always knew he could be. We have the best relationship we've had in many years. It's tough, the guilt and all you're going through. I think you've done the right thing by doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. That's the only way you can help him is by helping yourself. He may choose to keep on using but at least when you get stronger you won't allow him to take you down with him. Try some Al-Anon and see if that doesn't help. They're experts in codependency. Good luck to you.
I am a recovered alcoholic for 20 years, but I also have attended many, many Al-Anon meetings. I don't know if you're familiar, but Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. I sure can identify with the emotional ups and downs you're going through. I allowed my youngest son to guilt trip me for 23 years over his dad's and my divorce. My son was an opioid addict. I gave him money, a home, totally supported him, his wife, and my two grandchildren for years. I got so emotionally sick that I could barely function. Every waking moment of my days was thinking about what he was thinking of me, what could I say to him, and on and on and on. Finally, I had to have some relief and started attending Al-Anon meetings. My son was also on the meds you've mentioned. But an alcoholic/addict is never, never honest about how much they're using. My son is the who ended the relationship for a while. During that time I attended more and more Al-Anon meetings. When I cut off the money and no longer let him hold me hostage with all of his drama and the guilt tripping,, he got off the drugs, has a job, his own home, and has turned out to be quite the man I always knew he could be. We have the best relationship we've had in many years. It's tough, the guilt and all you're going through. I think you've done the right thing by doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. That's the only way you can help him is by helping yourself. He may choose to keep on using but at least when you get stronger you won't allow him to take you down with him. Try some Al-Anon and see if that doesn't help. They're experts in codependency. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
And you may think any words you say to him are inadequate or not the right ones, but your actions have said, I've had enough, I cannot do this anymore. So you've broken the cycle, and congratulations on that. It's tough, I know, but removing yourself says everything he needs to know. There's an article you can look up on the Internet called "Alcoholism, the Merry-Go-Round of Denial that's just great.
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