another lapse and struggling
 

On friday I lapsed again. Back on day 2 now. Trouble is it was thoughts about my wife that triggered me. My brain would just not stop telling me go back and try and reconcile this fight for it etc. These thoughts persisted with imaginary conversations of what I would say what she would say etc on and on until I felt I was going crazy. After a very tough battle on thursday which I managed to avoid drinking I started friday really well with a long jog. As soon as I came home the thoughts started again and I simply couldn't take it. The thing is I don't trust my thoughts at all and when I rationalise and talk out loud I know that it was right to end for the both of us. I can't even say I love her out loud but in my brain its like I love her get her back etc. Can anyone somehow explain what is going on here because I feel i'm going mad.

Don’t know your back story but it sounds like you are not going mad so much as dealing with major events and trying to stay sober. My one piece of advice would be stay close and post here before taking a drink. We are here for you.

I'm not sure what happened before Thursday, but I had a similar experience after my now ex husband and I split. The worst thing you could do right now is drink. Trust me! I remember the feeling all too well...it's like the world is falling out from under you. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this :( I have been divorced for 5.5 years now and I promise it WILL get easier! Try to focus on something healthy, such as exercise and as Numblady suggested, post a lot on here!

I struggled real hard for a long time ... face in the asphalt struggling.
Thru hitting an absolute inner-bottom, then having to Work the Steps as my Life depended on it, I am now over 4 years clean & sober. Thank God.

I realized thru getting Free, and heard quite a few people share the same realization ... the REAL Trigger was ME.

I couldn't 'not drink' ... especially when 'life situations' got my obsession fully engaged. Now, after working the Steps (and continuing to work the steps as a life-framework for freedom living) the same situations don't have a hold on me - the gears just don't engage, even though I recognize the old self ... down below the level of getting the keys to the car.

Freedom - it's an absolute miracle.

RDBplus3

Very few of us like change - and most of us have second thoughts wondering if we walked away from a good thing, or at least a familiar thing.

I don't know what the answer is for you relationshipo or thought wise, but I know that drinking's not going to help that fear - it may delude you into thinking it's helping but in the long term it's just ramping up the anxiety you already have.

Are you still going to AA - I think hitting a meeting or calling some numbers of AA friends would be a good thing to do instead of drinking?

D

I think if you got and stayed sober, it might be easier to solve your problems. I know my life got a lot better after I got sober for good. :)

Thanks for the replies. Yeah Dee still going to AA went on Sunday again and have one to one counselling on Monday's. Spoke to counsellor yesterday and had my thoughts confirmed on this. It is relationship addiction My brain is looking for another quick fix of going back to wife probably to lift my non existent self esteem and fear of life in general. I spent most of my 20's trying to meet someone thinking it would make me 'happy' and it did temporarily at least. Even know I know it's over and wrong for both of us she was co-dependent trying to help/fix me our entire relationship because of the part of me she fell in love with. The real me which I want back or actually to meet for the first time without alcohol. Iv'e never had self worth or love and have had anxiety from early teens. She's the only person iv'e been with. I knew the way my brain kept on and on it felt like addict voice rather than true feelings probably now coupled with guilt and shame from my behaviour over the years with alcohol/cannabis and gambling towards such a wonderful person. Thats not to say I don't have true feelings for her i'm just not sure of anything right now my brain is a mess. I have been sober for 25 out of the last 27 days from all 3 addictions 2 lapses of alcohol none of the other 2. Not sure how much longer I can take my sleep disturbances though if I do sleep which is very difficult I wake every hour or so from vivid dreams mainly all from childhood involving the 3 addictions. My av screams at me every night to just have 1 smoke for sleep purposes but I keep fighting because I know it could lead to full blown relapse on it and the alcohol. Luckily alcohol wise it's mainly only a battle at weekends. Feel like i'm blabbering here sorry to rant on just better than internalising.

This is my experience too. Resentments were not much of a driving force in my drinking days, but I got to feel their power in sobriety, and see the results in others who could not or would not do what it takes to be rid of them.

It is recognised in AA that resntment kills more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease etc. It is a serious business. It can actually give others the power to kill (us).

I am a fan of the freedom model too. At the base of it was the realisation that external circumstances (life as it is called) have absolutley nothing to do with whether I will drink or not. It is totally about what I was willing to do about my alcoholism.

Hope the counsellor can continue to help Someday

maybe also see a Dr if the sleeplessness is knocking you around?

D

Thanks will do Dee. Thanks for all the replies and support. The dr gave me some zopiclone a few weeks back but have ran out they were great but i don't want to keep taking last thing i want is another addiction lol.

Did you explain that last time, someday?

D

No my doctor doesn't know the full extent of my addiction's at least not in last few years. I was openish about it a few years ago. My doctor said I was using alcohol/cannabis to self-medicate then for a good while I managed to cut down 'control' my use since then I haven't told doctors anything about my use.