dearsobriety

Hey all,

I’m feeling very emotional today. I am 58 days sober and today I went with my husband to a rodeo. He’s a cowboy and is an amazing roper and wild horse racer. As you can imagine, there is A LOT of alcohol involved at rodeos. I was fine with my water. I didn’t want to drink, but I missed having a buzz at these events as they make me more social. In a recent therapy session I had, I realized I never worked on my social anxiety issues because I always numbed myself with alcohol therefore I never realized how big of an issue it is for me when I can’t drink. I felt very self aware and felt as if I was very awkward and quiet. I tried my best to be “normal”. I thought I did a pretty good job and got through it with minimal anxiety. However, my in-laws are very self-centered, judgmental people. They know I have quit drinking, but I could feel them walking on eggshells around me, avoiding me... as if I am some sort of sick person that they didn’t want to be near. I can safely say that they are alcoholics as well. So, maybe my sobriety scares them (but that’s just my assumption). They have never made an effort to have a real relationship with me when I was drinking either. It is always about what I can do for them so it wasn’t really anything new except that I noticed it more and it hurt me more.

My husband has been so supportive of me and has said these past 2 months have been the best 2 months ever and he has never loved me more than he has now. Our relationship has never felt stronger. However, at the rodeo I didn’t spend much time with him because he was entered in every event so I had to sit with my in-laws for 7 hours. I felt so lonely. Every time I heard a beer can pop, I just cringed. I was screaming inside just wanting to leave... but I stayed. I am trying to be my best self and I had never felt so lonely than in that moment. I do have an amazing support group outside of my in-laws where I don’t feel judged or ashamed of myself so I know i’m not alone but in that moment I felt that way.

After the rodeo, we went to the restaurant that my in-laws run (and where I used to work as a bartender). I haven’t been there since I quit drinking so I was excited to see my old coworkers. I went up to the chef and gave him a hug. And he said “oh hi! You remember my girlfriend, right?” I have never met her before. I haven’t worked there in a year. And I said “ummm, i’m not sure if we have met, yet.” And he insists I have a couple times. I assure you, I have never seen her before. I met his ex-girlfriend before but not her. I know I do forget names but I remember faces (drunk or not). And he says to me, “oh, you must’ve just been drunk”. I laughed a little and said, “maybe...” knowing I wasn’t and never met her and just walked away. Maybe he was trying to cover his own ass or something, I don’t know. But, I do know I never felt so low and shamed AGAIN in one day.

I have been on cloud 9 knowing I’m approaching my 60 day mark and today just made me feel awful. I know I have made mistakes but I am changing. This journey is really hard and even harder when you feel like everyone is judging you. I was never a mean drunk... just happy and silly and carefree. On the car ride home I broke down crying telling my husband what happened. He said that the chef is the last person I need to worry about. He is right. Who cares what he thinks.

But the point is, I am surrounded by people who drink a lot. That’s just my reality and that’s fine with me. I don’t care if they drink in front of me but now I feel like I am an outcast by choosing not to drink. I’m just trying to save my life (wow how terrible of me, right?). My husband has been my biggest supporter and cheers me on everyday and tells me how proud he is of me and how happy he is with our relationship. That means the world to me and assured me even more that I married the right person. I’m just wondering, have any of you felt ostercized after becoming sober? I feel like I let them just take the wind out of my sails. I’m not going to drink, I don’t even want to. But, I am crying as I write this. I just feel like a piece of garbage. I won’t let this stop me from moving forward. I can’t change the past. I will not cave into my demons and open a bottle to numb myself but I just need some support from you all tonight.

Sorry this was long, thank you for reading. Hope you all are doing well.

STDragon

Congratulations on 60 days, that's fantastic. Your story has some parallels with my own experience. But with time, I've leared (and I'm still learning) that I am a social person and I can have fun whatever the situation. Tho I thought I was more outgoing and fun loving when drinking, the truth is drinking stunted those skills for me in 'real life'. Yea, I felt like an outcast, but it get's better and easier with time.

Dee74

Hi Dearsobriety

I think living sober is a skill like anything else...I was really uncomfortable for a while around drinkers, and even more uncomfortable when I was reminded of things that happened when I was drunk and/or things they wore happened but I have no memory of.

I was having blackouts when I drank - not passing out but rather not remembering things that happened.

I don't know if you met this woman or not but thats not really the priority here.

Congrats on 60 days. Massive achievement

Stay sober, work hard and try not to worry to much about what other people think cos it will change.

I was the neighbourhood drunk. Now I'm not.

It may take a little longer than 60 days but reputations can be rehabilitated too

D

least

Congrats on two months sober! Hang in there, it gets better, I promise.

ElizaD

I understand how you feel, dear sobriety. I have social anxiety which is a big part of why I started drinking. Part of that anxiety is feeling like I'm being judged, not measuring up. It would be hard to be around in laws that have never made much effort to get close to you for seven hours and that chef's comments were pretty insensitive. You are just having a bad day. Tomorrow will be better!

gymratgirl

60 days is amazing!! Hold onto that and keep going!! Can you sit elsewhere at these events? If your husband has been so supportive, perhaps he can also suggest some better seating so you can celebrate with him, but not be trapped with the drinkers?

dearsobriety

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and it WILL get better.

dearsobriety

Thank you, D. I used to blackout too and not remember things sometimes and everyone knew I loved to drink. I love your last sentence. “Reputations can be rehabilitated too”... very powerful. Thank you 😊

dearsobriety

Thank you! I will continue down this journey. Every day does get better, today was just one of those bad ones.

dearsobriety

Thank you so much. You are right... it was just a bad day. Tomorrow WILL be better. I’m going to go have myself some ice cream, pat myself on the back for getting through another day and wake up to a brand new BETTER day tomorrow

dearsobriety

Thank you so much! I’m very proud of my 60 days, that’s one thing they can’t take away from me. This rodeo was a very small local one so there wasn’t many places to escape to but I did excuse myself a couple times and took little walks away from them to breathe for a minute and reset. The next rodeo is next weekend and I will know many more people there. More of my supportive friends and family that know what I am going through will be there so I plan to stick with them through that rodeo. Thank you for your support! 😊

BlueMegaFool

Thats beautiful. Thank you for sharing that! I'm so glad you have a supportive loving husband and a good support group.

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and crying as you typed. Congrats on the 58 days without alcohol! However it is very normal to be emotional in early sobriety. I know I was, still am (106 days). Part of alcohols alure for me was protecting me from feeling the way you are right now. It was a coping mechanism for me in dealing with feelings I did not like.

They key now that we have stopped drinking is to learn to live sober. We can't allow others or our feelings to take us back to that. So why let them?

Sound familiar? The "actually kill" here is turning back to alcohol. It is us, you and I who allow others to dominate us inside. We allow them to rent space in our heads. Fancied or real we allow our emotions to be like a pinball in a pinball machine as if we are at the whim of the machine. We don't have to do that. We don't have to surrender our peace to others. Learning to be free of having our happiness rely on others is learning to live sober.

This next part was important for me in learning to let go of hurt before it even happened. I don't control others in sobriety and they need no longer control me. Truth is they usually aren't even trying but I allow them control of my emotions anyway.

Hurt people hurt people. Healthy people don't. You are at the begining of becoming healthy. Your journey at this point is one of healing. Understand if someone hurts you or makes you feel as you have described, they are sick themselves. They have their own problems and for now it is important to remember. It's there problem not yours. They are their own mess. Your concern is healing your mess.....and really we are all a mess. The beauty of acceptance in sobriety. We are a mess and that is ok. Not just ok, it is normal. You are trying to be normal when you already are! You are allowing others to hurt you without even knowing it, and that is normal. Until we heal and that is a process. I am primarily talking about your inlaws here. As or your ex-coworker. That falls on the percieved part. It really doesn't matter. What is the worst thing? You were drunk and don't remember? So? Your husband loves you. Do you think he would love you less if he thought you met this person and don't remember? I don't think so.

Hurt people hurt people and that is there problem. Don't let it be yours.



All quotes BB 4th edition.

rayna87

Yes. So much yes. Pretty much everyone I know, my family included, drinks so much. Everything we do seems to revolve around it, and I was just dealing with this issue tonight. At the moment, I feel like I have to choose between not drinking, and not having a social life. After i got a DUI 3.5 years ago, i quit drinking for the first time. That first time I ordered water at happy hour, you would’ve thought I was dancing naked on the bar...the deal that was made over this was humiliating. My aunt pretended to announce to the whole city that i was drinking water. It was a running “joke” all night. After that embarrassing fiasco, I’d just ask the bartender/server to just give me Diet Coke or cran or whatever mixer by itself in a regular drink glass so I could pretend to drink. I was so sad to resort to those levels, and even more sad that NOT drinking got more attention than if i sat there downing a bottle.

I totally understand. You are doing the right thing.

dearsobriety

Wow! THANK YOU! Thank you for taking the time to reply and provide me with some clarity. Everything you said is absolutely and completely true and it was the perfect thing to wake up and read to start my morning.

At my last therapy session, I had a breakthrough about how I let others control how I am feeling. Being sober and still letting them do this to me definitely makes it more painful as now I don’t have the alcohol to numb my hurt. I realized that my own “mess” that I need to work on is self acceptance. All of your quotes really resonate deeply with me.

“Hurt people, hurt people”. Thank you for this as it couldn’t be more true. I would never treat someone the way my in-laws have treated me. From now on, whenever they do or say something to try to take me down a peg, I will be saying this quote in my head. I will feel empathy for them instead of being angry or hurt as they themselves are sick too. It won’t be easy, as I am already a very sensitive person and always have been a people-pleaser and want everyone to like me. But, you are right. Right now, I need to heal within and that is my mess and they can deal with theirs.

Thank you again for all of your kind words and advice. You have truly made my day and I plan on getting up today with a positive attitude and getting through another day sober! This is why I love this site so much. So many caring, supportive people here. I hope you have a wonderful day. Thanks again for shining a light on a dark day for me ❤️

dearsobriety

“That first time I ordered water at happy hour, you would’ve thought I was dancing naked on the bar...the deal that was made over this was humiliating.”

EXACTLY! I feel like an animal in a zoo. Everyone just staring at me and watching my every move making me feel so uncomfortable and judged that I just want to run away and hide. I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. I know how humiliating it feels. And the sad thing is, why do WE have to feel so humiliated by NOT drinking and trying to be healthy? I sometimes think that my friends and family that drink (which is pretty much every single one of them and they do drink heavy at every occasion) are intimidated by my sobriety as they maybe can see that they have a problem with alcohol themselves and are too scared to admit it. That’s just my assumption but I can’t let that get in my way. My doctor told me if I didn’t stop drinking immediately then I would be dead in 2 years. I feel the same as you do about feeling as if you have to choose to be sober or have a social life. I’m choosing sobriety. I will socialize with those that are supportive of this and I will limit my interactions with those who are not. I do have some toxic people in my life, but I do have a lot of loving, supportive, amazing people in my life too. So, I choose sobriety because I can’t let them down. I need to stay alive for them as they have told me they still need me and I’m not allowed to die on them. That keeps me going. I hope you are not still dealing with these comments from your family. But, if you are, just remember you are doing the right thing as well. Thank you for your reply and your kind words. Hang in there, we got this! 😊