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Relationship with recovering addict

Old 06-16-2018, 05:32 PM
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Relationship with recovering addict

Iíve been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and she relapsed 2 months ago which landed her in jail, then an inpatient rehab, and now a transitional house. The month in jail and month in rehab were hard for both of us. We wrote each other a lot and talked on the phone as much as we were allowed. Now sheís in a transitional house and has her freedoms back. She can have a phone and we can talk whenever we want. I keep reading the letters she wrote me while in rehab and they always make me smile. Now sheís in the transitional home and we have the ability to talk often but for some reason we donít, or not as much as I hoped. I understand that sheís focusing on rebuilding herself and getting her life back, and I told her that Iíd like her to be selfish and focus on herself so she doesnít have to worry about me and my feelings because she doesnít need the added stress. However, Iíve noticed a huge difference in what she was saying while in recovery and how she wanted a future with me.. to now that sheís out and has her freedom back which maybe Iíll get an ďI love youĒ but no longer get an ďI miss youĒ or anything that makes me think sheís still interested in being with me. Iíve tried to give her everything she needs, including space. Iíve had groceries delivered, flowers sent to her, good morning texts to wake up to, and just let her know that Iím there for her. Iíve read a lot about how many people say dating isnít a good idea during the first year of sobriety, but does that still go for people youíve been with prior to entering recovery? I love her very much and want to watch her succeed, even if that means I have to let her go so she truly can just focus on herself. I havenít been able to visit her yet and I try not to ask her when I can because I donít want her to feel pressured to see me. She doesnít talk about me visiting at all but while in rehab thatís all she talked about was being able to hold each other. I feel like Iím losing her and I donít know how to tell if she would be better off moving forward without a relationship or if Iím even helping her situation at all. If anyone has any advice on what to do, or if theyíve been in this situation. I donít want her to be codependent on me and Iím thinking thatís why sheís keeping space between us, so she can truly say she isnít. But I just donít know. Iím very new to all of this and have been reading as much as I can, however, I would like to find some personal insight on what to expect or any suggestions. Thank you for everyone that takes the time to read this and respond, Iím sorry if this is in the wrong section. I wasnít quite sure where to post it.
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Old 06-16-2018, 08:12 PM
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Hi and welcome Tgblonewolf87
Could be your sending out mixed messages - you're saying

I’d like her to be selfish and focus on herself so she doesn’t have to worry about me and my feelings because she doesn’t need the added stress.
and
I’ve tried to give her everything she needs, including space.
but at the same time you've had groceries delivered, flowers sent to her, good morning texts to wake up to...' just let her know that I’m there for her'.

Thats a mans ideas of space I think lol (I'm also a man)

You're clearly unhappy at the situation as it is. You can tell her that - tel lher that you're trying to give her space but it's really hard when you're apart and you re feeling a little insecure...or you can go with what you said and just stand back and trust things will be ok?

I know it must be tough - but you'll find a lot of support here

D
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Old 06-16-2018, 10:45 PM
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Dee thanks for the response. I told her I wanted her to be selfish in regards to just focusing on herself and her recovery. As for the groceries she had told me she was eating beefaroni and cookies so I offered to pay for groceries to be delivered so she could eat something with a better nutritional value. She hit two months sober so I wanted to send her flowers to congratulate her because she certainly deserved it. Iím doing everything I can to just step back and let her focus on herself, the biggest thing for me is overcoming the feeling of.. ďdoes this mean weíre over? Ē because thatís not what I wanted. However, if thatís the only way she can truly focus on herself then I will let her go. Her recovery takes priority. I try not to text her very much, usually only if she messages me first. Itís just a weird situation because things were so much different when she was in rehab. Now that sheís out itís like we hit a wall and the relationship is almost non existent. I havenít seen her in 2 months, and the entire time all we talked about was being with each other. So going from that to very little communication is hard to wrap my head around.

The only thing thatís keeping me from asking her about the relationship is that I donít want to add stress to her life by bringing up her feelings about a possible future with me. In a normal relationship this would be a very simple thing/request.. however, this is far from normal. So Iím just wondering if anyone has been in the same boat where their s/o has come out of rehab with the same ďdistance likeĒ feelings.
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Old 06-17-2018, 07:41 AM
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To be honest, TG, the relationship you describe seems a little out of proportion for the amount of time you have been dating. Especially considering that for two-thirds of that time she has been in jail/rehab/transitional housing. That's one month of dating, which included what sounds like a disastrous relapse. This amount of intensity in such a short time frame is a red flag in and of itself.

You have said that you know the best thing for her is to focus on herself and her recovery. But your actions show a very different story. There is always a reason to check in, make contact, do something for her--but that isn't what she needs, and you know it.

Recovery is the hardest thing she will ever do. She needs to focus on herself and the best thing you can do for her is respect that. If this relationship is meant to be, the two of you will find it again when you are both healthy and ready to really create a meaningful partnership.

Until then, it may be worth examining why you got into something so intense so quickly, and took on so much responsibility for her well-being.
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Old 06-17-2018, 08:18 AM
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You sound like a great guy Lonewolf, but Sparklekitty is right, this is a little much so early out the gate in a new relationship. What you are describing is your own Codependent part you are playing in this relationship dynamics. You should be supportive but at the same time understand that what you are really wanting is a response you want a response from her acknowledging your actions. I say this as gently as I can, but directly as well.

Please read under friends and family area of this forum about codependency and you will understand what I mean. It will help you be able to set boundaries (and we all need them for healthy relationships) and be able to deal with the quiet times when our [insert partners, children, parents, family members - it applies to all relationships] person does not reciprocate or respond as we hope they will. Complicated, yes, but you've shown you care so now let her work her program.

Understand if she was using when you met, that she may become a different person once she's sober. What brought you together may not be what keeps you together. Allow the process to work for her and get busy with your own life building it, setting goals for yourself, becoming the healthy you and live life moving forward. Sometimes you just have to let go and trust she will make her choices -- some of which you can applaud and some of which may be relapse. You take care of you and wishing you all of life's good things.
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Old 06-17-2018, 09:53 AM
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something i caught in your word, Tg:
I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know how to tell if she would be better off moving forward without a relationship or if I’m even helping her situation at all. If anyone has any advice on what to do, or if they’ve been in this situation.

why is it up to YOU decide what will be best for her? isnt HER decision whether or not she will be better off?

back in april ya typed:
As far as the saving her and wanting a loving relationship. I want both! I
I wanted her to see what a real relationship was like.
So in that sense, I guess you could say I did want to save her.. but not in the hero sense.
I wanted to do it by showing her respect.
I’m going to use what I’ve learned from the forum you sent me to and try to help her see the path that she’s currently on.

i understand she is pregnant with your child, but that doesnt mean you can make her what you think she should be. doing all of what youre doing is actually counter productive- you are losing yourself even more.
i gave a reply that i believe still stands true today:
you may have wants for her and try and make them happen. however, thats not how it works. we cant control other people. we shouldnt push our wants for other people onto them. of course we want the addict/alkies in our lives to get healthy, but that doesnt mean its going to happen nor will it happen the way we want it to.
we didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.

p.s.
its not about giving up. its about allowing others to live how they want and allowing them to face the consequences of their actions
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Old 06-17-2018, 11:12 AM
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I really appreciate the responses. I thought I was being understanding of what sheís going through, but from an outside perspective that you all showed me, I see now that I wasnít. I truly do want her to set her main focus on her recovery because I do believe she has a great future ahead of her. Sheís very smart and determined, and youíre right.. she is a different person than who I met. She has never had this intensive rehabilitation before, and I whole heartedly believe it was a blessing. Unfortunately we lost the baby due to the relapse, so having a child together is no longer a factor. Since my post yesterday I havenít reached out to her to see how sheís doing.. Iím not sure if I mentioned it or not, but we havenít talked about ending the relationship while sheís working on her recovery. I have just read that the best thing for recovery is if theyíre selfish and focus solely on themselves. So thatís why I wasnít sure what to do, if I should openly let her go.. or just give her the space and let her figure things out while Iím doing my own thing. Lately Iíve just been staying busy, working on myself, focusing on my job, and keeping my mind clear.
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Old 06-17-2018, 11:25 AM
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TG, its hasnt been an easy decision for any of us. i couldnt tell ya to call it a day with the relationship, but stepping back and working on yourself while she is working on herself would be very wise for both of you.
im truly sorry to hear about the baby- that has to be very difficult to have to have happened for you. there is help available for that part,too. im sure there is some amazing support here that will reach out for ya.
keep comin back,Tg. let people know whats goin on in your melon. it will help ya to let it out and help people help you.
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Old 06-17-2018, 12:54 PM
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I'll be "that guy". In 3mo you are FAR from her boyfriend. This isn't middle school..it's life and adulting is a huge part of that. You've known her 'emotionally' for 3months..RUN!! You're going on a "long ride" if you don't! That ride includes blatent lying,other men(who'll let her do 'her thing',ect..).. Run,buddy! 3mo is nothing!! You can't save her and she doesn't want to be saved..she's looking for enablers. You do not matter to her. Work on yourself. SHE'S GONE!!

That's my advice from seeing this crap from ALL sides.

Edit: count your blessings for not being tied to this woman via child..I know the pain of losing a kid,but not due to relapse. Count your blessings and end it with her,,get on with a peacful life. Drama F'n SUCKS!!
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Old 06-17-2018, 05:22 PM
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Oh *mate*

ahhhh *mate* (Aussie here lol). You've been used .

Feel the feels, be glad you learned one of life's tough lessons early and move on buddy.Really!

I worked in jails and rehabs for years as a teacher and OMG the romantic letters and phone calls that emanated from those bored,lonely manipulative souls.

99% of whom would walk out and look derisively at the person who had sent them endless presents and letters and declarations of love for weeks/months/years standing there with flowers and money and loving hope...and walk on right by....

Addicts are manipulative by nature. My husband is a rehab counsellor and OMG the stories,the creative brilliant manipulations. There are few more romantic and heartfelt as those fishing for a free-ride.

Oh and read Melody Beattie,you need it buddy! Good luck.
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Old 06-17-2018, 11:48 PM
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Originally Posted by laughingcrying View Post
ahhhh *mate* (Aussie here lol). You've been used .
I don't know that Tgblonewolf shared enough of his story to draw conclusions from?

Tgblonewolf - sorry for the situation you are in. I hope you have read around the forums a bit and in particular in the friends and family section, lots of wisdom there.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Your focus seems to be totally on her and what she needs. That's kind of you, however, it would be a good idea to perhaps put some of your focus back on yourself.

Are you happy with the way things are? She is not a china doll, if you have concerns then perhaps you should voice them, a calm discussion about the status of your relationship might help clarify things for you?

If you are really not comfortable doing that then, regardless, taking the focus off her and putting it back on yourself will help you figure out what YOU want.
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Old 06-20-2018, 11:58 AM
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I appreciate all of the responses. Iím not going to lie, I do feel like Iíve been used especially after everything I have done and the minute she gets out of rehab and went to the transitional house her attitude has completely changed. Which is fine, it is what it is. She opened up a little bit to me yesterday and told me that sheís fortunate to be on the shot because every morning that she wakes up she still fights the urge to want to use. Not because she wants to get high but because she feels isolated from everyone. She canít have visitors who arenít family or in recovery so that means I canít see her. She keeps to herself in the house and doesnít do much other than talk to the other girls that are there with her. I thanked her for being honest and feeling comfortable enough to tell me how sheís feeling. Hopefully soon she can get a job so she wonít have as much free time to sit around, because that was a big part of why she relapsed. Lately Iíve been focusing on myself.. spending time with friends, working more, reading as much as I can about what sheís going through so I have a better understanding. But most important I havenít been bothering her. In fact she actually reached out to me to tell me how her meetings are going. So, that was a nice surprise. It was hard to wrap my head around the whole situation, but every day seems to get better and easier. Well, idk if easy is the right word to use because I still miss her and think about her a lot. But knowing that sheís distancing herself so she can find the happy medium and learn to overcome the urges when she doesnít have something to occupy the time makes things easier for me. Iíve accepted the fact that itís possible this wasnít meant to happen now, and maybe in the future she will be ready.. but eitheir way, God has a plan for both of us so we just have to keep moving forward. There was a response a few days ago about being early in the relationship and something about it not being real love. I can understand that someone may think that given I havenít told you about our entire relationship. But we have known each other for 2 years now, and talked and hung out a lot before I officially asked her out. The relationship and the feelings were there long before it was ďofficialĒ so 3 months may sound like a short amount of time before you tell someone you love them.. but I was just going off of the official amount of time weíve been dating. Again though, I do appreciate all of the responses, theyíve been a huge help in figuring out where I should focus my time and energy. So thank you all for that!
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Old 06-20-2018, 05:03 PM
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When I got sober my priorities changed - they had to.
I couldn't live my old drinking life as a sober person.

I don't know she's using you so much as her life is in the process of being turned upside down as she works to stay clean and sober.

As my wife if oft to tell me, it's not always all about you

I want to fix things or (benevolently) control things - and most times it's not my place to do either.

You have a lot of mental energy invested in a 12 week relationship. Maybe it would do you some good to step back a little?

If things work out it was meant to be - if not there's another love story to be told somewhere just around the corner

D
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