Springforward

Hello everyone, hope all finds you well.

I have been sober for 43 days from a 5th of vodka daily for 14 months.

Prior to vodka i drank a 12 pack of beer for 3 years daily.

I have been a drinker for 38 years.

I became a daily drinker 7 years ago, prior years i drank 5-10 times a month.

I have relapsed over 10 times in the past 7 years, sober for 5-7 days at times, a couple times sober 45 days.

I know it's time to quit the booze forever.

I am taking it day by day, easy does it, staying busy, the thought of booze has come back in the last week.

I am feeling better little by little daily.

I always wonder why i go back to drinking after starting to feel better, it's insanity to repeat drinking again, hoping it will be different.

I need to figure out why i drink alcohol in excess when the result are the same, it only gets worst as i get older.

Does anyone here understand why i repeat this destructive pattern other than likely being an alcoholic.

I have lost everything over the last 8 years.

What are your thoughts?

WhiteLight

Hi Springforward
I can only speak for myself but for me addiction goes much deeper than simply being an alcoholic. I feel that addiction is often a sign of a deep pain and emotional suffering. I feel that by healing the deep wounds that exist inside me that I have found the way to healing my addiction issues. I guess it takes alot of internal introspection, which ironically is made more difficult by substance abuse. I found I couldn't avoid the pain any longer and had to face my inner demons so to speak. In doing so I have found many different ways to heal myself and i started to utilise those strategies daily, even before quitting for good. The work had to start before i could step away completely. Questioning your addiction is a great step in the right direction. I wish you luck in finding the answers for yourself

Jim1958

Definitely mental issues for me. Bad upbringing, my father an alcoholic. Drank to numb memories and pain. If you want an answer, don't ask what is wrong with you, ask what happened to you. Just my thoughts.
Good luck to you.

Dee74

I kept going back to drinking cos it was the only solution I had for so many things.

I also wanted to be a normal drinker.

When I accepted I wasn't a normal drinker and never would be...and when I found SR and more solutions to my problems, things got a lot better

D

TheSoberDude

We always relapse thinking we can control our drinking, yet the abuse gets worse. It’s extremely hard to change so many years of a bad habit. For me, it was used to suppress anxiety and stress.

The thought of alcohol rarely comes across my mind, as I don’t allow it. It’s simply not a part of me anymore and never will be.

I have found other ways to deal with my issues. I eat healthy and exercise, which depletes my stress and doesn’t just hide it like alcohol.

So many years of hangovers, fatigue, and early warning signs of health issues. Yuck...just thinking about a beer makes me want to gag.

BlueMegaFool

43 years of drinking for me so we are about the same. I agree with the responses above. Why have I been so self destructive for so long? There is more to it then just liking the sense of ease that comes with intoxication. Of course I went through stages and in the end other then knowing no other way the addiction to the mind numbing bliss had become such a part of who I was......I didn't really need a reason. I thought about a drink and I drank, done.

From a spiritual perspective we need to stop believing the lies and begin to know the truth. The lies keep us in the problem the truth sets us free.

Alcohol was once a solution. Now it is the problem. We can have a peace we have not known in the past without alcohol. That is truth.

Gottalife

The main problem centres in the mind, for the alcoholic of my type anyway. You said it yourself. It is insanity pure and simple.

The most insane thing an alcoholic does is pick up the fatal first drink. What is in the mind of the alcoholic at that insane moment. Not much, just an idea that this time will be different. If there are any thoughts to the contrary, they are easily pushed aside.

In my own case, I had such incredibly solid reasons for not taking the fatal first drink, yet they never came to mind to protect me. Evidence that that a mind prone to insane moments was not in the best shape to fix itself. In fact it always got worse. At certain times I was without defense against the fatal first drink.

Drinking too much once I start ceases to be a problem if I never start in the first place. Finding a reliable defence through a Higher Power is the AA solution, and it has worked well for me.

Nonsensical

The pattern wasn't destructive when it started. It was just a pattern. It became destructive after it became a pattern.

My brain loves patterns. Patterns liberate my brain to do other things.
When I am driving to my office in the morning I listen to music. I sing along, recalling the lyrics from my oldies station. Thinking about where I was when I first heard that song, the girl I danced with in high school. Belting out those lyrics, imagining that I sound great. All the while I effortlessly make the necessary turns, change lanes, one hand on the wheel, and arrive at my destination - a destination I have been to hundreds of times. I am cozy and comfortable the entire time. I enjoy the ride.

Contrast that to when I am driving to some place for the very first time. Some place unfamiliar. The radio is off. There is no singing. Two hands gripping the wheel. I look intently back and forth between my GPS and the road signs. What lane should I be in? Is this the right turn? I am tense and nervous, not cozy and comfortable. Why, oh why, I might ask myself, am I going to this new place? I am not enjoying this ride! I should just be going to my office instead!

I had a well-established pattern of drinking. Even though the side effects were wrecking everything, it was cozy and comfortable. Breaking out of that pattern and doing something else was hard. My brain was hating it. I was making it work extra hard when all it wanted to do was sing and think about my high school girlfriend.

A pattern becomes a pattern by repetition. It takes practice. I am now well-practiced at being sober. I feel good about it, and all those nasty side effects my drinking habit was causing have disappeared.

Get after it.
Stay after it.
It gets easier.
You can do this!