Quake84

I was doing really well. Had been 8 days without a drink. Then. Fell into my old routine again yesterday. Had too many beers after work. Got so messed up I don’t remember how I got home. Or who I was hanging out with. Or conversations I had. I apparently called my boyfriend 15x. We both work in the bar industry -(Which obviously is not conducive to getting sober). Anyway, I worked during the day so I got off early. He always works late. I was so out of it i couldn’t even comprehend it was only 10pm and just kept calling him. Over and over and over. I made an ass of myself. Now I am hungover and filled with anxiety. I am laying on the couch, I can’t sleep. My heart is racing. My thoughts are racing. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces I threw out when i made the choice that trying to make friends with my coworkers was more important than sobriety. I wish I had it in me to walk out the door and disappear from this life. I feel so ashamed. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel disgusted with my life. I feel like i want to crawl in a hole and die. Does anyone else get the worst anxiety or depression of their life after a binge? I feel so alone. I truly hate that this is who I am and this is how my life ended up. I don’t know how I have friends. I don’t know how anyone cares about me. I’m such a sad excuse for a human being. I need you guys now. Someone tell me I will be ok.

Pipefish

Hello Quake

Absolutely identify with your post, and felt that same out of control hangover you describe so well when I drank. It's not living.

Have you tried AA? Maybe call the local telephone line, and have a chat with someone? The AA programme has helped me to stay sober and recover. An out of control drunk, whose speciality was loss of dignity and a complete inability to stay stopped drinking. It's worth a try....... :-)

Wish you well

Nonsensical

I sure did.

I don't have to feel like that ever again.

Neither do you, if you're willing to do what it takes to achieve it.

You can do this.

decchemist

I truly hate that this is who I am and this is how my life ended up.

But your life has not ended and you can change the direction of the story if you want to. The happy ending is yours to write - you can be the author.

PhoenixJ

Quake- that was me. I was in a hellish cycle of depression/anxiety/shame/guilt and lots more. I drank to seek oblivion. I did not want to do- but forgot how to live. For me- professional support..physical and dep. with a GP, sobriety with an addiction counsellor (when in a program) and meetings..lots of meetings, just to force my self to be with humans. Then a planned routine- what to do when cravings hit, when to clean,wash,cook etc.
Support to you.

Tonymblue

Your story, my story. After bingeing, the my anxiety would be so bad. I would literally feel like the world was ending. The self loathing and depression were worse than any physical symptom. However, things will be all right. The brain needs some time to right itself. Hang in there. These feelings will slowly dissipate. You are not a bad person. Stay strong. Stay on SR. It helps a lot during those dark times. Everything will be ok. Really.

Jim1958

A conclusion I came to - that I have to remind myself of, is that drinking makes my mental problems worse. It is hard to be a positive person when you are drinking. Alcohol is a depressant. If you already suffer from depression, alcohol just makes things worse and worse. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. You can make progress. SR is here to help.

RogerD

Hi, yes, I think we've all been there. Most of us had many failures before we were able to stop completely. It too me a good six months. Yes, it sucks. But you had 8 days, so that's a positive. Now, shoot for nine. It's all about picking yourself up and trying again. It's hard, but it's worth it and then one day you'll be able to help someone else. I never thought I would make thirty days, let alone a year or two years. But you can do it.

ClearPath64

Exactly this. If your user name is anything like mine and the numbers represent your birth year, then I can assure you that you have plenty of time to turn this around. One year from now you could be sharing with us how many things have improved in your life since you decided to stop drinking. Borrowing a quote from Shawshank Redemption, "get busy living, or get busy dying". It's truly our decision to make. Best of luck to you. Don't drink today. And then, tomorrow, do the same. One day at a time.

apollo986

Cessation of alcohol reduced my anxiety and depression immensely. Day 57 for me. It will work for you too. One day at a time. You can do it! It's so worth it.
Mike

Rar

Hi Quake - You will be okay - just don't drink. I had HORRIBLE anxiety and depression after heavy drinking. I have tendencies toward those issues even when sober, so I certainly don't need to make them worse. You will feel better tomorrow. Dust yourself off and begin again. You can do it!

Edited to add that I relapsed with 3 days of drinking after 112 days of sobriety. Fortunately I didn't do anything crazy, but my depression and anxiety were terrible. I was so full of remorse after my relapse. The only way to not feel that way again is to not drink. I'm on Day 37 now and the memory and some sadness is still there.

DreamCatcher17

I haven't felt that way in over 8 months! I wouldn't change this sober life for anything. No friends, no lover, no job, no nothing is worth it.
I hated myself for far too long. I just want to love myself and life and be the best version of myself possible.
I wish you the best and please remember when the anxiety clears, that isn't an indication that consuming alcohol is a good idea, like you're a normal drinker because clearly that isn't the case.

Dee74

How are you feeling today Quake?

D

Gottalife

." I’m just trying to pick up the pieces I threw out when i made the choice that trying to make friends with my coworkers was more important than sobriety."

Some choice eh? What kind of thinking led you to believe you would have more success making friends if you drank, than if you didn't. That might be the case for normal drinkers, but you have a lot of experience behind you that tells you it never goes well in your case. So what kind of thinking over ruled the bitter lessons of the past?

Could you say it was a perfectly sane and rational choice in the light of your past experience, or were you deluded, believing that this time would be different?

I made the same apparent choices many times over, always wanting to just have a good time and relax. Nothing more. Nearly everytime I drank was a disaster. I didn't plan to have disasters, it wasn't my goal to loose control, but it was inevitable as night follows day, yet I could not see that truth at the time it counted. Remebering the last disaster never saved me from the next one.

It became apparent that I had lost the power of choice, as happens to some alcoholics. I needed serious help, and I found it in AA, which was the last place I ever thpoguht I would end up. But it worked.