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911 my boyfriend is a week sober

Old 06-13-2018, 07:50 PM
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911 my boyfriend is a week sober

Hi All,

Just wondering if I can get some feedback. I am not new to loving an Alcoholic, albeit it’s been years. I have been dating a wonderful man who is a high functioning A. We live in the wine country and so it is definitely part of our NorCal culture. Wine that is. We naturally had instant chemistry, we are both the same age, have similar interests and I sort of knew he was the one for me pretty quickly. His drinking seemed normal at first. We’d have wine with dinner, never an issue or a hangover. He’s never had a DUI, or been fired for drinking, or had to end a relationship because of it. 5-6 mos in, it was winter and we had a couple of bad arguments. He was a belligerent, and I was beginning to see a trend. He said he felt he needed to drink less coffee, he quit Red Bull’s and said that a dark red wine probably didn’t mix well with his system. I said ok, sounds reasonable. He cut way back on all. A few months later and a couple of more arguments, and now I definitely know there could be an issue because every time we argue, he had had a few. The last two arguments ended with him grabbing my arm and bruising it and the last one was he grabbed my shirt when I tried to leave his house. I broke it off the day. He went drinking the next night and then without me knowing went to an AA meeting the morning after that. He’s been to several meetings and told me that 5 years ago he had wanted to test himself and didn’t drink for a year and had gone to AA. He said he actually really enjoyed it. But thought he could control it and went back to the wine. He now says loosing me was his bottom as he had been planning to propose soon. He said he is committed to not drinking and knows he needs to earn my trust back. He has 100% owned this as him.

I miss him like crazy. I’m just agonizing over whether to give this AA and new walk in sobriety a chance, knowing he could relapse at any time during our life together (then again maybe not). Or. Break it off now.

Currently we are keeping the lines of communication open his hope is to earn my trust back. I’m just torn.
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Old 06-13-2018, 08:54 PM
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Hello!

From my experience, I also stopped using alcohol numerous times for varied periods of time. I had the misconception that I could control my drinking, so after a few months sober I went back. It only got worse, and my abuse became progressively out of control.

You have to do what works best for you and him. If he fully accepts he has a problem, and he comes to the realization that he can’t drink, I believe anybody can have a second chance. But, statistically speaking...relapsing is a high probability for any alcoholic. It takes many of us years of going on and off the bottle to realize we simply can’t drink, and refuse to ever drink again.

I work around domestic violence / assaults every day. Additionally, my father was an abusive alcoholic. It’s a scary situation, and I know alcohol is a direct correlation with the behavior.

Staying or leaving is ultimately up to you. Nobody can tell you otherwise, but as you know..alcoholism is a disease. It’s not easy to beat. My father was given an ultimatum (family would leave him), went to treatment, and has been sober to this day. Sobriety is very much possible for your guy friend, but the process is slow and may take some serious assement by you.

Good luck, and I pray he stays sober for both himself and you!
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Old 06-13-2018, 09:48 PM
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Oh SoCoGal I hope it all works out, if my Bf would tell me he meant it and was going sober I would be overjoyed. Best of luck to you and I hope you can have a happy sober future together!
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Old 06-13-2018, 09:59 PM
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I'm not saying he doesn't believe what he's saying,BUT... I'd slow it way down and watch his action..not words.. I'd also be very cautious to not fall back into the relationship and become his 'warden'..been there and it's as draining,if not more so,than dealing with an active addict,cheater,lier,ect..Way more 'work' than any relationship is worth! IMO/experience.
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Old 06-13-2018, 10:44 PM
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I know you have feelings for him but there are other nice men out there who are not abusive alcoholics. Because not only do you have to worry about his drinking, you have to worry about his escalating anger.

That's a lot of worry that you just don't need to have.
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Old 06-14-2018, 05:16 AM
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This is really between you and God. Not for us to advise any particular course of action. He has only been sober for a week. It is far too soon to draw any conclusions about the long term prospects.

I think in breaking it off, you did a good thing as evidenced by him getting help. I feel it might be wise to see how that pans out. It is better if you can avoid becoming the reason he is staying sober. That kind of load will be too much for you, and eventually, if you should somehow let him down, he will be drinking again.

I also think it is a good idea to keep the lines of communication open. Remember, he is a sick man, not a bad man. I don’t like the idea of dumping him just because he is alcoholic. There is more to him than that. On the other hand, if your really feel there is no future for the two of you, regardless of his alcoholism, then it might be better if you were out of his life.

I suggest giving it a bit more time and reflecting on what it is you want out of life.
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Old 06-14-2018, 05:33 AM
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I miss him like crazy. I’m just agonizing over whether to give this AA and new walk in sobriety a chance, knowing he could relapse at any time during our life together (then again maybe not). Or. Break it off now.

im not gonna say break it off, but ya already gave cutting back on red bull,coffee, and red wine a chance.

a few months later........

something that caught my attention:
I am not new to loving an Alcoholic, albeit it’s been years.
this isnt the first time you have had " instant chemistry" with an alcoholic?
or something similar?

it seem to me this is something common with codies: hear the words we want to hear and think that means "he/she is perfect!"
then comes the actions.
yup- perfect allright- a perfect storm.
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Old 06-14-2018, 06:21 AM
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I'm with Mike, you definitely will be walking on eggs if his getting sober is to get you back. Puts you in a bad spot being responsible for his drinking (or not). Besides, if he is intent on proposing so soon into your relationship *(less than one year together, right?) that, coupled with the abuse (which tends to escalate over time) you paint a very "codependent"budding relationship. Red flags are waving.

If you decide to take it on, my advice is to take things slow. If you are uncertain, I would suggest you take the time and read about addiction, codependency, al-anon. Take advantage of the tools available on SR. Good luck to you.
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:04 AM
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I am concerned about the two physical instances you mentioned. I hope that you do not write off those instances as simply alcohol-related. Physical abuse is physical abuse and it almost always tends to worsen over time. I hope you take care of yourself.
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I am concerned about the two physical instances you mentioned. I hope that you do not write off those instances as simply alcohol-related. Physical abuse is physical abuse and it almost always tends to worsen over time. I hope you take care of yourself.
This.

I've known alcoholics that dont get physical in this way. what is minor now escalates later.

He has more problems than just alcohol. Get out to protect yourself.
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Old 06-14-2018, 11:04 AM
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Here is some perspective. I will be married 23 years in september. Not once: not one time, has my husband ever left a mark on me. Not once. he likes to drink, too.

Thats a long time.

Your boyfriend bruised your arm and you've been dating how long?

After six months of dating my ex boyfriend (the man I dated before my husband), he got mad that I didn't want to go visit his friends house with him. He threw me across the bathroom and I bruised up my body hitting the side of the bathtub.

Leave now.
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Old 06-14-2018, 11:11 AM
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If he wants to get sober, let him do it on his own. Leave to protect yourself. Don't look back.
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Old 06-14-2018, 02:19 PM
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My 2 previous exes left me over name-calling drunk texting. I was never physical but I was verbal. I'd promised my ex I'd stop drinking after a disagreement we were having on New Years Eve (She called me by her exes nickname on two occasions), but my promise lasted two weeks.

For some reason I decided I could have a couple drinks with a friend then go home. Sure, I went home alright but I stopped off to pick up a 12 pack and bottle of wine on the way. After blacking out, I'd drunk texted my gf again bringing up the same issue that we were having on New Years Eve 2 weeks earlier. Mind you, this didn't bother me much at all when sober, however, the over-analyzing and exaggerated feelings escalated after drinking and I ended up saying things to her I still regret to this day.

Anyway, she told me it was over the next day and, although I passed her on the street once, we haven't spoken to each other since.

It's true the physical part can and may escalate to violence if his drinking continued. Right now he's reacting to losing you by going to AA, I did that too. I wasn't doing it for me so sobriety probably wouldn't have lasted very long. Honestly, I'd give it a couple months to see if he is serious with quitting and remember he has to do it for himself first.

Best wishes
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Old 06-15-2018, 02:55 AM
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Alcoholics can and do recover. That means that not only do they stop drinking, but they learn or grow back into the main stream of life, and they stop the harmful behaviours of their drinking days. Our big book is very clear, if an alcoholic continues to harm others, he/she won't stay sober, and for us, not being able to stay sober is a virtual death sentence.

I can refer to my own track record. Prior to getting sober I had several convictions for offences of violence and dishonesty. I had some push shovy moments with girlfriends who all left, I behaved very badly towards the women in my life to such an extent that for the last two years of my drinking, no self respecting woman would have anything to do with me.

Since I worked the steps and had the "complete psychic change"promised, not a single conviction or offence in 38 years. I am on good terms with those exes I could find in the amends process, was married for twenty years until an illness took my wife. Never raised a hand to her, and for the most part, managed to live up to my ideals in that relationship. The part I didn't do well at was the occasional bit of flirting which I now realise was the wrong thing for me to do. I was however faithful in all other respects and have been able to maintain that standard in my new relationships.

We do get better, we do change, if we do the work, if we are honest and if our motives are thoroughly good. I guess you will have to stand back and see if that is how it is with your man.
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Old 06-15-2018, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Alcoholics can and do recover. That means that not only do they stop drinking, but they learn or grow back into the main stream of life, and they stop the harmful behaviours of their drinking days. Our big book is very clear, if an alcoholic continues to harm others, he/she won't stay sober, and for us, not being able to stay sober is a virtual death sentence.

I can refer to my own track record. Prior to getting sober I had several convictions for offences of violence and dishonesty. I had some push shovy moments with girlfriends who all left, I behaved very badly towards the women in my life to such an extent that for the last two years of my drinking, no self respecting woman would have anything to do with me.

Since I worked the steps and had the "complete psychic change"promised, not a single conviction or offence in 38 years. I am on good terms with those exes I could find in the amends process, was married for twenty years until an illness took my wife. Never raised a hand to her, and for the most part, managed to live up to my ideals in that relationship. The part I didn't do well at was the occasional bit of flirting which I now realise was the wrong thing for me to do. I was however faithful in all other respects and have been able to maintain that standard in my new relationships.

We do get better, we do change, if we do the work, if we are honest and if our motives are thoroughly good. I guess you will have to stand back and see if that is how it is with your man.
great testimony

i wish i could get you to chair my homegroup

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Old 06-15-2018, 01:54 PM
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I usually hang out over in Family and Friends but happened to be visiting this side of the forum and saw your thread. I'd like to echo those who say that the alcoholism and the abuse are two separate issues. Even if he gets and stays sober, it is more than likely that he will still be an abuser.

I'd like to direct you to this section of the "stickies" over in the F&F forum. You might find some clarification in these threads.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
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Old 06-17-2018, 01:01 AM
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Originally Posted by january161992 View Post
great testimony

i wish i could get you to chair my homegroup

Haha! I would probably start a riot Thanks for the kind thought. You know, I have seen too many miraculous changes in Alcoholics over the years, even ones who went to prison for violence, to ever believe there is no hope of change.
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Old 06-17-2018, 01:18 AM
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I was the alcoholic that eventually destroyed my family under very catastrophic events (mine- not theirs, they are ok). I tried sincerely for years to stop drinking. I used it to escape depression but did not see the link between depression and booze. Over time- I drank more, got more depressed- rinse, repeat.

With 28 months sobriety, perhaps I can offer my own experience with a bit of credibility.

Any person who stops an active addiction needs to back up their words- with action and behavioural changes. Daily- every day. Evidence. I would stop for a month- then go back to drinking when 'the heat' died down. I would ring a contact for AA 3 times, each time waiting 2 rings- then hang up. That way I could say that I called 3 times, but no one answered. I was a master of lies.
The biggie for me, was not just AA meetings, or SMART- but professional support. All the time. For transparency- honesty and motivation.
GP- for physical health and the depression. Psychologist to cope with crap memories and use CBT to change thinking- which effects the behaviour, which defines the emotions. AND- (even tho out of now- on call) an addiction counsellor- to work on remaining sober.

My advice to you is- STAY SAFE! Do not become a carer or a rescuer. Codependent relationships start out that way. Any addicted person in recovery should not rely on their loved ones, family to carry them. It is their burden and up to them to fix..
You have your life to lead..and I think you would not want to be exactly as you are now- in 2,5 or 10 years.
Support to you.
Prayers for you both.
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Old 06-17-2018, 06:36 AM
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I'm a visitor from the F&F side.

People in your situation are usually advised to give it a year before making any big decisions about the relationship. The fact that he's abused you is a big, giant, red flag.

I don't know if you two were planning to have kids, so if what I'm saying is irrelevant forgive my spiel. I was physically abused as a child. My parents never knew about it, until I spilled the beans in college. It was our nanny who did it.

They never saw signs that she could be abusive, and she made sure that they never saw it. She stabbed us with needles, threw food in our face, and tore up our stuffed animals. None of these things left marks on us, which was whole entire point. I ended up getting suicidal for a spell and had a nervous breakdown in college. I now go to therapy to deal with the depression. My sister denied that this was actually abuse in the first place, hangs out with our abuser, and smokes pot like a chimney. Her daughters no longer live with her.

I would like to think that if my parents had a clue she would do this, they would have never had hired her in the first place. You have evidence that this guy, who could potentially be the father of your children, will turn to physical domination when the emotions get too much for him to handle. You have no idea what will happen. If you have a baby that's crying 24/7, how is he going to cope? If your child gets into an accident/is born with a disability, how will he handle the frustration?

Notice, I haven't even brought alcohol into the equation.
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