Am I better than them?
 

Just over 5 weeks sober... managed to do it even after husband left me. Today I had to go to the drugstore to pick up prescription refill and I think good thing the drugstore doesn’t sell booze (not that I ever noticed) but dang it as soon as I leave the house my car has the “empty” light on... no idea if I can make the 10 minute drive without more gas so I stop at nearest gas station.

Been there before, cheapo place that half the time outdoor payment at pumps not working so have to go inside to pay... happened today. They sell beer, but I don’t think any hard liquor, I’ve never bought any booze there even when I was drinking a lot, I never drank beer plus this seemed to be type of place where hobos would buy booze.

Man is at the counter paying for a giant can of beer, woman with him has a large can of “4 Loko”, both from a fridge right by the cash register. They are paying in flipping change, counting out lots of nickels and pennies to pay for their stupid drinks...

It’s 99 degrees outside and this place has no AC... I’m frustrated these pathetic poor people are making me wait so long... the man is saying she’s buying a b**** drink... woman says something about it has more booze than his beer... I’m staring at the cans in fridge.. huh... 14% alcohol... vaguely recall ever hearing of this stuff... and the AV told my hands to grab two cans.... two nice cold drinks... felt great in my hands as I wait to pay.

I pay for gas and the cans and the cashier puts each can in a separate small brown paper bag... kinda puzzling me because I thought all stores in CA required you to use reusable bags or they ask if you want to buy a bag, but maybe that doesn’t apply to convenience stores... whatever... but why 2 separate bags, don’t they have larger ones and if not why bother bagging?

Walk out of the store and there is the man and woman... drinking their drinks with the bags folded down... they didn’t look as grubby as homeless might, but not well dressed (how I dress when at home and nobody is going to see me). But drinking in public... are they thinking passerby might assume they’re drinking Coca Cola in a brown paper bag? They must be trashy people I assume.

And there I am with TWO brown paper bags... feeling like a pathetic hobo and ashamed of myself.

Got in my car and drove to the drugstore then home, yes with the 2 cans in bags (I grew up “never waste anything” so even after feeling stuffed at meals would “clean my plate”... and yeah that might contribute to my alcoholic thoughts “there’s only 2 shots of vodka left in the bottle... may as well finish them off”).

Cans are sitting in my fridge right now... I am tempted to drink some and a couple days ago probably would have. I can’t bring myself to dump them and waste them... yet telling myself what happens if I drink any... there goes 5 weeks of proud sobriety... but... curious what these taste like... and what would it hurt to have one taste...

And I also wonder about that couple... not to be narcissistic but assume I am better than them... I never drink in public, certainly not out of a brown paper bag... I can afford more than a $3can of booze, why my husband would buy a bottle of scotch that cost over $200 and we’d split it in one night...

But I know I’m an alcoholic... are they alcoholics too.. or maybe they only drink a can a week because that’s all they can afford... and I’m thinking if that’s the case they probably are better than me.

Still don’t want to waste these by pouring down the drain... so I’m struggling to ignore them...

Pour them out. Toss them unopened in another store’s trash if you don’t think you can resist once you open them. What good will come from a taste?

As for those people - you don’t k ow anything about them except for the fact that they bought the same alcohol you just bought. Are they alcoholics? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? The one thing that’s true is that you and I are. And we have no business having a drink.

You can do this! Get rid of it.

Hey...

Most of the world's problems stem from people thinking they're better than people. You're not better than them.

As for the booze, that is definitely better poured into the sink than into your body.

Honesty and sincerely, recovery taught me I'm no better than anyone else.
I'm thankful for the empathy and compassion I re-discovered in myself.

Early days tho I still thought like a lonely drinker for a while even tho I was sober...lots of self absorption and judgemental thoughts, so you're not alone katzen.

Only a day ago you were freaking out about losing your memory.

Be good to yourself and dump the booze. Consider the money spent as a investment in your recovery.

Please pour the booze down the sink. If you don't, you're just setting yourself up for a fall.

For me I can only ask:

Am I a better person today than I was yesterday?

I don't have enough information (or the inclination) to compare myself to strangers in a gas station.

Someone told me early on to go to different types of AA meetings. I do this now- at 853 days sober, so going on 28 mo- and plan to continue as long as I live, noticing two consistent things: there are names with people on major buildings in this city....and there are tatted up "crazy" looking people...people who "look homeless"....people who "look like white collar" employees..

And addiction doesn't discriminate - by any criteria.

I have enough to do "going 40 mph in my own lane," as my sponsor says.

I best remember comparison is always a losing proposition.

Five weeks is awesome. And precious. Loose it to drink and you'll realize how precious that sobriety was.

Many never achieve it again.

Ok well as someone you are most certainly "better than" let me give you a spoiler alert... 4 lokos are probably the worst thing you could possibly relapse on. They are like cheap tequila with some street drugs sprinkled in.

Have to agree with everyone else, forget about the couple and pour them out.

Are you nuts??? Throw them out!

You aren't better than anyone. None of us are.

Am I at least a little bit better than I was before? Am I growing? Am I learning? Am I deepening my experience of life?

These have been more helpful questions to me....

pour out that booze.

Sobriety makes us better.

Than we were. Not than others.....

Sobriety brings us to a place where we can ask ourselves about ourselves.... not ourselves in relation to others....

Sobriety leads us to a place where we might help others who might still suffer..... whom we're not better than.... in fact.... whom we're just like.

:grouphug:

pouremout

1. No you are no better than them, but are you really asking that?

2. You don't want to throw out two cans of crap booze because you aren't a person who wastes things and yet you'd finish off an overpriced bottle of Scotch in a single night? Something quite inconcruous in your logic.

3. Unclear what the couple did, to you or anyone else, for you to call them pathetic.

katzen i hope ya poured the booze out. if not just toss the cans in the trash.

not to be narcissistic but assume I am better than them.

those 2 people may have had higher incomes and drank higher priced liquor than you did at one time.
then their spouses left them. they they lost their job, got evicted...sunk deeeper into alcoholism.
it just hasnt happened to you YET.
Youre Elligible Too.

it doesnt have to get that bad.

old grant used to sit on his porch with a case of natural ice every day. he drank it warm. i wasnt that bad. i drank better beer and always cold.
10 years later i was drinking whatever i could to get drunk.

to the above point;

until we're dead - this sort of logic will always allow us to look around and find someone we're "not as bad as".....

it's one of the trickiest traps of the addictive mind.

This is an EXCELLENT post!! I can relate to EVERY point!! I was so far ABOVE everyone else, every other addict. It wasn’t until I checked myself that I realized that I wasn’t. I still have that “holier than thou” attitude, but my addiction is JUST like theirs. I don’t care if it’s top shelf vodka or cheap gas station vodka. It all does the same thing. May just take a few move drinks and a little longer to kick in. I fought the “addict or alcoholic” title for a LONG time. Years that kept me in my addiction. Because I “WAS NOT” like “them”. But I am.

When I was still living in the problem, I was always better than or worse than somebody else.

Working the 12 Steps in my life helped me to see that I was neither. I try not to judge anymore, because I never know what happened to get someone to the point they're at today. It could just as easily be me in their place, given the right set of circumstances.

I'm definitely in agreement with all of those who said pour them out.

As for the couple, it sounds like all they did was buy one drink each. Not really sure where your question comes in, but certainly don't think judging is the right place for you to be going today. Stay focused on you, the only person you need to be better than is who you were yesterday.

Well, Four Loko is 14% and 24oz, so it's essentially an entire bottle of wine. It also used to be loaded with caffeine to mask drunkenness, so after a bunch of teen deaths, and bannings in several states, they removed the caffeine from the beverage. If you look at the packaging (think: Joe Camel) it's pretty easy to see what the real problem is with that drink.

OP,

It makes it easier to continue drinking if you think you're not a drunk. One way to make yourself think you're not a drunk is to compare yourself to other drunks that you think are worse than yourself. At the end of the day, though, you're just an addict, too. Johnny Depp spends $30,000 a month on wine - does that make him better than you, or is he just another drunk but has a bigger purse than you?

nah, you're not better than them.
but you think you are.
or you want to be.
or you believe there is "better than" on any of those grounds.
that kind of thinking/perspective was just another part of my garden-variety-drunk-ness right there.