YCDT2

I know. I am going to try to not let it get to me. But...I feel somewhat defeated and depressed. But...it might just be my adrenaline and hormones calming down. I am also coming off of a plan b pill, so my hormones are all ****** up....

lessgravity

Feel you. Such a silly reason to have a drink, yet I can picture myself giving in for something similar.

It's clear you did not want to do what you did, at least not your true self. Yet you did, and here you are.

The only way to get it right is to stop the flood, stop drinking and figure out what you're going to do today and going forward to prevent you from ending up this way again.

You can do it, I'm sure, but you need to own it.

MissPerfumado

My alcoholic dad, who was 10 years sober when I quit drinking, gave me three rules to remember:

1. The booze WILL kill you.
2. All it takes is one drink.
3. If you start again, stop immediately.

He always said about No. 3, don't be ashamed to reach out and call me if you fall down. Reach out, admit what you've done and get back on the wagon. Do what you need to do to stop immediately.

Alcoholics know alcoholics. That's why this forum is so great.

One other thing - perfectionistic thinking is a bugbear for many alcoholics. It has to be perfect or else it's messed up completely. Your AV is riding that perfectionistic thinking all the way to a full blown lapse. Don't let it do that.

YCDT2

So.....my mom ended up showing up at my house...because she "wanted to see how I was doing". She is currently here and will not leave.

Goodbye sobriety.

DreamCatcher17

It gets easier, I promise!!!!
DO what you have to do to be/remain sober! Life will get better, people will trust again, you'll feel a million times better about yourself, you will grow. There are still BAD days, people will test us.. Those are the times being sober is better for a couple reasons 1. We overcame that obstacle, sober and 2. We grow and love ourselves and that will rub off on people!

It's amazing!

I hope you are not drinking the rest of the night

(((hugs)))

PS: Screw those people who want to bring you down and tell you that you are using when you are NOT.
If someone asks's you again, give it 1 answer and be done. Move on.. The rest of their actions are on them!

YCDT2

She is the type where she thinks if she makes you feel SOOO ******, you will realize you are a piece of **** and will change your ways.

No, bitch, you make me feel like I am a piece of **** and there is no reason to fight...so I will just accept my shittiness.

DreamCatcher17

When you say goodbye sobriety.. I hear I AM PROVING YOU RIGHT MOM, see I am DRUNK, just like YOU wanted.

That is too bad.

I bet she would have felt better and a little stupid knowing you were not drinking and feel ashamed of accusing you of drinking.... Then maybe she would have apologized... This scenario would have been much better for you, I would bet money on it.

DreamCatcher17

Sounds like a person that needs boundaries in your life, your life (sobriety) depends on it!

YCDT2

I'm sorry for all the back and forth of today. I am done. I am shot.
I don't want to fight anymore, I am giving in. I am sorry. **** my mom. **** her. **** her. **** her. **** her. **** her, I dont care if I am taking myself down to **** her....but **** her.

DreamCatcher17

You are NOT a bad person.
We have all made POOR decisions, most while we were drinking (I am sure). I can speak for myself only. And 90% of my mistakes were when drunk.
All the times I felt like crap or like a bad person was from when I was drinking.
I would be around people I had done wrong, and automatically felt like a bad person because of all the guilt I had for the things I did wrong.

I no longer carry that around, I have accepted what I did, made amends or let that relationship go to better myself.

I believe in you.

You can be sober

You can live free from negativity!!!!

YCDT2

I did exactly this, only she showed up....so it ended up being a war...so now I will drink more.

doggonecarl

This is why we trumpet recovery, not just abstinence from alcohol. Some of us can just quit drinking and the problems disappear. For others, and you seem to be in that group, when we quit drinking, the problems begin. Hence the need for recovery. To learn to live sober, to cope with life (and our mothers) without running to alcohol.

ProfessorD

It's weird but no matter how drunk I get, it has never helped me win a single argument with my mom.

lessgravity

Nothing like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

YCDT2

I was hanging by a thread, but holding on. IDK why she felt the need to push me. Regardless, I guess its my problem, not hers. She doesnt know how hard I was trying, and how her ******** talk affected me.

I guess its done now. Ive ruined it. Not her. Not her.

doggonecarl

It's not to late to back away from the ledge, but you've worked yourself into a relapse. What about how hard you were trying? Prove it now. Put a halt to the skid.

ProfessorD

I cannot relate to this post more. I have a truly messed up relationship with my mom, and I cannot imagine even talking with her on the phone sober. I don't have advice but lots of sympathy. I haven't talked to my mom in person in like two years. Can you put your sobriety first, establish a boundary, and get her out of your life for a while? It sounds like childcare is an issue here, but...you know that drinking because your mom is annoying you is irrational and silly, right?

Again, I totally relate which is why I'm trying to be straight with you. Hope you can put the booze down.

Edited to add: from what you've written, it seems really important to you that your mom understands and recognizes how hard you are working. Why? You're an adult. What is her opinion to you? My guess is that she's disappointed you by not appreciating you before. So my question to you is: assuming you can never win her approval, will you just give into drinking, then? I think you are going to need to envision the terms by which you will stay sober even when she is being a b**** (to quote you)

YCDT2

It's stupid, but she never let me live my life without her approval. I dont even know how to be my own person, to be honest. But....yea, its my life, not hers. My problem, not hers.

August252015

YCDT2, I truly empathize with a *difficult* mom (an understatement for me). I am so sorry to hear the turn of events of your day.

I want to share something helpful and hopeful, and am just not sure what will come across that way for you! I find plenty of threads relatable, whether from new and trying to get sober folks or stalwarts like Dee and others with years.

Something about your tone, and both the anger and what I picture as tears for ALL kinds of feelings feels so familiar to what I was like about, with, to - everything- my mom when I was drinking.

I can tell you that the drinking had to stop first, until I could even start to see my blaming, playing the victim, viciousness...I use those words referencing myself, and...to gently say that's stuff I hear it you too. The whole relationship she bang with my mom, so to speak, was a huge factor in my continued and "justified" drinking. I have an ok amount of recovery under me, and only in year three have I really felt like things are at a good, solid place for both my mom and me (and, oh yeah, my dad too!).

I hope you will stop drinking tonight, now, and don't let this spiral into a relapse. It is nearly impossible to see how we do have this choice, when we are in the throes, but I PROMISE you things can get better if you start a life in recovery.

I hope we keep hearing from you.

least

Why does your mom being there mean goodbye to your sobriety?