camsmiz

Hi all,

I've been spending a fair amount of time reading posts here to get me through the evenings so I figured it was time to log my own journey with alcoholism.

I'm a 27 year old man with a drinking problem. Let's just say I can't really remember a time when I didn't drink to excess.

Things all started when I started having my first drinks at the age of 13. Like many of you, I hated the taste of the beer I was drinking but found the strength to gulp it all down when I realised how it made me feel. I was an anxious kid, and things were made worse by my father who picked me as his emotional punching bag. With that first drink, I had finally found peace. That night I had 1.5 litres of 5% beer and a few vodka coke mixers (possibly three). I threw up and blacked out on the couch. My parents weren't in.

After that it was most weekends. I had a buddy who was likeminded and we used to meet on a Friday evening at around 6pm and buy a 70cl bottle of vodka from a local shop that didn't care how young we clearly were. We'd buy some plastic cups and drink it straight, toasting to every shot we had. I got blackout drunk many times, but always managed to hide it from my parents who would have been distraught. Naturally, they figured I was drinking a little from time to time, all the kids were, but they had no idea of the extent of the problem. I was a straight A's kid and maintained that all the way until I got accepted into many excellent universities (and on a highly sought after degree).

University was a blur. Moving away gave me free rein to do whatever I wanted and let's just say I did just that. I still achieved a lot and landed a great job coming out of it in a high powered/high stress career. I've progressed well since then and succeeded on so many levels. I'm well beyond my years in my profession and earning very well.

But there's been a dark undertone to it all..

Almost every night for the last 5 years I have drank. A good night would be 2-3 beers (rare). However I have had weeks at a time where I could average 70+ units a week. This all came with immense stress and guilt. I've alienated friends and withdrawn myself socially. In fact, the only place I am still achieving highly is at work. Ironically, work is probably one of the biggest reasons I drink, but also the biggest reason I haven't fully harmed myself doing so yet. It has regulated me (I know, barely...)

I only drink in the evenings, but can get through a lot in those limited hours, and still function well the next day. I am, however, suffering when I'm not drinking.

13 days ago I made the decision that enough is enough. I've been working up to this for a few months (?years).

It all started when I broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago. It hit me hard. I instigated it, for her own good, but it killed me. I was dragging her down. Despite being a good guy and never actually doing anything wrong to her, I felt I was robbing her of a life she could possibly have with someone who wasn't constantly wallowing in self pity. I broke up with her and went on a binge for a week. It was bad.

On the 29th of May I woke up, groggy but fine. Everything spiralled after that. Fever, abdominal pain (right upper), nausea, vomiting. I wasn't quite sure what was happening but I now know it was either withdrawal related or a bit of alcoholic hepatitis. I wasn't jaundiced, but let's just say I know the symptoms. My liver hurt, a lot, as it had been for a while... I called my sister, told her I loved her and that I was sorry if I had made myself permanently ill, and I promised to finally sort my life out.

The first few days were difficult but it got easier after every sleep. I had never withdrew before, but I think things had really escalated over the last few months. This was something I definitely wouldn’t want to repeat.

Haven't drank since 10pm on the 28th of May, and what a rollercoaster it's been! I'm on for the ride and I gotta say, it's terrifying, but I'm the most excited about life I've ever been!
Wish me luck. I'm gonna log some of the more interesting things I experience with sobriety. It's been so strange and alien already so far!


C

Hevyn

Welcome Camsmiz! It's so good to have you join us.

I'm happy that at 27 you've realized you can't continue down that road. You'll never regret turning your life around. I wish I hadn't insisted on trying to be a social drinker. I drank 30 yrs. & my life was chaotic because of it.

We look forward to hearing how you're doing - you are never alone.

camsmiz

Thanks Hevyn,

I guess that's one way of looking at it!

Today my mother asked me if I would enjoy a nice glass of wine with family if we have a special occasion. I had to firmly explain a few times that I'm not capable of having "just one drink" and never have been.

It's liberating to admit it. Finally feel free.

C

least

Welcome to the family. You're off to a good start. You'll find lots of support here.

january161992

how are you today camsmiz ?


keep in mind ...

its the 1st drink that gets us drunk not the 20th

we cant get drunk without that 1st drink

our choice is between miserable unhappy drunken drinking and all the consequences

or

not taking 1 drink

God bless

camsmiz

I'm good thank you.

Distracted by work which is going very well. It's amazing how much more efficient I am now.

Still enjoying how I feel sober all the time. I would guess this is the "euphoric" phase.

Today I sent out a bunch of emails that I had been meaning to send. Emailing used to be an anxious process, constantly re-reading and editing emails before sending them. I felt very confident to just send things out without proof reading 100 times. Like a normal person.

Excited to see how things continue to unfold. Of course, I'm wary of the potential difficult times that are sure to follow.

C

Anna

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well.

It is a good idea to be prepared for days that are challenging, but have faith that you will be able to deal with those.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome to Sobriety!!!

You'll appreciate life more on this side, I promise

camsmiz

So.. Updates...



1) I've realised that my sober self is slightly impatient and unnecessarily abrupt with people. I'm well respected at work and quite senior. Need to remember that being a good leader involves listening as much as delegating.

2) Something unfortunate happened at work. Actually nothing to do with me, but a colleague. Nevertheless, it affected me a lot and made me want a drink. Had some camomile tea and went to bed early instead. I had a rough night filled with vivid dreams (nightmares).

3) My right upper quadrant doesn't hurt at all anymore. Even if I press hard over my liver edge or rib. Never had my liver enzymes tested but I wonder if they're normal.

4) Visiting my parents this weekend for Father's day. My dad drinks a lot on the weekend so it will be tough. Doubt I'll give in though, just too focused.

5) Glad I've got this forum to read when I'm feeling down!


Happy weekend everyone!

Radix

Thanks for posting. I'm new I recovery too, and I'm also feeling quite refreshed, focused, clear, and happy. And I hear what you say about work. The last two weeks have been like the previous 10 in terms of productivity. Feels like it, anyway. Best of luck to you.

MissPerfumado

It took me a while to sort out my sober personality. I'm also in a management / supervisory position in a profession and I found over time I mellowed. It's a great process though to start seeing yourself in a 360 sort of way in sobriety, and become more aware of your impact on people.

That's a great response. If the camomile tea worked, use it again as a way to quell triggers. Remember it - it will give you confidence that you can rely on options when you need to. I bought boxes and boxes full of different teas the first few months. I joked with my Mum when I visited the other day that I drink tea like it's going out of style because I'm an alcoholic. She understood immediately (Dad is one too, though sober now).

No harm in seeing a doctor for full bloods. If you've been abusing your body for many years, a health check can tell you where you're at and motivate you to get in great shape, thus strengthening your sobriety.

Have a plan for the visit. Get onto SR lots, reach out for help here if you need to. Have some options for getting time away, out of the house if needed. Consider even how you might cut it short if it comes to that. Sobriety comes first and it's still early for you.

This place saved my life!