MissD23

Hello everyone. I'm a longtime lurker, but I wanted to ask a question I haven't seen on the board. How do you get past the embarrassment of the things you did while drunk? I am usually someone who drinks alone so I can avoid doing stupid **** in front of people but of course there are family functions on my husband's side I have to attend. Just recently I got drunk at his moms house because you know I can't just have one drink and of course drank before I got there. I don't remember the end of the evening and my husband is so pissed at me and was telling me how I behaved. I'm so ashamed to face his family again. How do you get rid of the shame or cope? I'm only 2 days sober now and doing my best but I keep thinking of how I acted and its making me want to drink again. I know thats not the answer but I guess I'm just looking for some words or advice.

Thank you in advance

FreeOwl

There are 12 straightforward steps involved.....



If you’re not into those, then an alternative might be working with a therapist on self forgiveness....

Me, I used the steps, therapy, sharing here on SR, practicing forgiveness, writing things down and throwing them in a fire, seeking forgiveness from others, my own version of ‘prayer’ to interact with spirit and seek forgiveness, and conscious letting go......

And TIME.

Sober time, coupled with sober action, heals and eliminates shame and embarrassment.

totfit

Moving in the right direction and time.

DixieChicken

I would profusely apologize to all parties and promise it will not happen again. Then the ball is in your court and you have the power to keep your promise. If they don't forgive immediately, they will in time. And that's ok!! Good luck!!

least

If you stop drinking now, this kind of stuff never has to happen again. Forgiveness will come with time. Keep doing the right thing and the pieces will fall into place.

thomas11

I think its a pretty common scenario....the embarrassment we have caused ourselves. That being said, its important to make amends and also forgive yourself. If you quit drinking you can almost be sure it will never happen again. On the other hand, if you continue to drink, it will just be a matter of time before you create another post like the one above. Wish you the best.

One of the greatest things about sobriety is that you can look someone in the eyes with a clear and clean conscience.

lessgravity

Your sober self with sort this out I bet. As serious as embarrassment might feel to you right now, there are many other more serious tasks for you to undertake and consider at this point of your sobriety.

Misc72

Chances are they have all been there at some point in their life. Face it head on and get it out of the way with a I'm sorry, Please forgive and I'm working on it. That's all babe. Actions speak for themselves so in time it will fade away... Rather soon too. I really recommend "A Happier Hour". A cute book and this situation reminds me of her. Best to you... It's o.k don't beat yourself up.

fini

for me, pretty much what FreeOwl said.

sober time and a process for a/mending.

Berrybean

Well, sober time and treating people better means we get to make living amends. Trouble in with some of my old apologies was that people heard them too many times, and they got sick of my hungover apologies that were more about making me feel better and easing my embarrassment than any real concern for anyone else. Apologies just didn't cut it any more. When I finally got sober and went to AA I was able to work the steps with a sponsor and be guided through the painful process of recognising the true nature of harms I'd caused and making amends as best I could in a way that wasn't going to risk doing those people more harm, and in a way that wasn't self-serving. Although if course, clearing away the wreckage of my past is wonderfully self-serving in that it frees us up to be the people that we want to be sober.

But none of it is instant. TIME. Things I Must Earn. I the meantime a bunch of flowers with an apology may be the best you can do, but please do try to make that apology about how SHE feels / felt , not about your own feelings of embarrassment. No self-justifications / excused either (ie. No buts or explanations- just a simple and sincere apology for the harm you caused her).

More importantly, do you have a plan for staying sober. Just removing the alcohol and not adding anything else in (recovery work) are rarely comfortable enough to be sustainable.

BB

DontRemember

It's a 'drinking problem 101'; "If you don't remember it, it didn't happen."

That's a bad joke,but I beleived it at a time.. Appologize and show by action that you're not normally like that. I've fallen all over myself trying to appologize for past "bad drunken behavior" and the only thing that's started bringing people back, is how I live my life today/daily..my words mean nothing to some. It's only time/actions with them and that's fine(my bad type thing).

LunaBlue

Don’t apologize too soon. I mean that. I did that without working the steps and it made us all feel worse.
However, if the apology is much needed for you and your family, then do so.
My Smart Recovery leader says, there is no room for shame and guilt in this room. We have enough to work on getting better physically and mentally. Shame causes misery and misery is a hinder to sobriety. So forgive yourself and take it one day at a time. Self-forgiveness is the hardest thing I’ve found about recovery but is such a necessary thing. Hugs.

Zebra1275

I know two things that will improve your situation, but neither one will be a quick fix.

First go to AA, get a sponsor and work the steps. When your husbands family realizes you are in recovery they probably be very supportive. And it will be good to for your husband to see that you are sincere about recovery.

The second thing that will improve your situation is the passage of time. That obviously is not a quick fix, but weeks, months and years of sober time will make this a forgotten incident for many people.

August252015

I have to concur with everything FreeOwl said (Luna and Zebra too) and also add to this from DC -
We are not in the outcome business- some people may NOT forgive us and that's OK. If we have done our job (to wit from AA: steps 4,5 and 9) with honest assessment of our part in every situation, then we are done; ONGOING amends are "more" important in the sense of how we begin to live every day.

We have to remember that we have conditioned people to expect bad behavior. From my learning in AA, and here at 852 days, it's not about apologizing profusely, rather apologizing sincerely THEN backing that up with right action.

Lastly....it was strange to hear at first, but IME and through observation of others (and now what I would suggest to my sponsees), it is not selfish to focus on our healing and literal sobriety at the very start where you are - we need time and distance and recovery before we can tend to others and especially to make amends.

Keep going - you can do it.

entropy1964

I have to start with forgiving myself. Then build a plan to stay sober. There is comfort knowing that if I never drink again, I never have to behave in a regrettable way again. Fear for me comes from reservations that make me believe this behavior is something that will keep repeating itself. Acceptance of myself, the good, the bad and the ugly, helps free me from regret.

teatreeoil007

I think we've all done things we felt ashamed of. Got to find a way to let it go because it's a very heavy load to be carrying around. We've all had egg on our faces...wipe it off, clean it up and make a vow to never repeat the behaviors you're ashamed of. Forgive yourself. And the reality is....others may or may not forgive you..... or....it may take a very long time for them to truly forgive you....we can't control that part. But we have much more control over the conscious choices we make for ourselves. Try not to worry too much about what others think of you and just keep doing the next right things....knowing in your own heart that you are making an honest effort....others may not even have an inkling of all the effort you are putting forth to CHANGE....but you know your truth....you are worth it!!

Radix

Lots of good advice here. Probably the single best thing you can do is live life sober. It's possible to burn bridges that can't be rebuilt (and that's not something you can control, anyway), but many people are able to forgive, and they will forgive, as long as they see a sober person they can relate to.

The corollary is that it will be much harder for anyone to forgive and forget as long as they see a person who keeps drinking.

So: sober time.

tomsteve

glad ya made it back,missD. looking at a thread ya started almost 4 years ago, it reads like the drinking and the consequences are getting worse.

i used to try and drink my past away. tried to make the guilt,remorse, and regret for past actions not real. it never worked.
when i got sober i used a lot of that to learn about me- find out how i was who i was and how to change for the better.
eventually i was able to make amends to people- NOT and im sorry and/or i promise. i was able to explain WHY i did what i did, what i should have done, and what i have done to change.
my past actions no longer haunt me and its a blessing.

Dee74

I've tried to make my life a living amends - I try to do the best I can do, everyday.

After a while, Today becomes the most important day and Yesterday, although full of lessons for me still, is n;t as important?

D

DangerZone

I think it is very similar to getting over an ex who you dated for a long time. You simply have to move on.

You can't change the past but you can focus on the future and making sure you never get drunk and embarrass yourself again. Focus on that and like others have said in time you'll get over it.

It also helps to remind yourself that you were drunk with little control over what you were doing so don't be too harsh on yourself. Anyone who is functioning with no inhibitions is going to do things they regret.