Horn95

I just got back from vacation. Family had a great time, I did not. Relapsed. I was doing so well. I was so proud of myself. Too proud. I made the single biggest mistake every alcoholic makes— thinking I can control my drinking.

I will make an AA meeting today.

Hour by hour. Day by day. I miss being sober. I really do.

tekink

Vacations and things of that nature are things I had to give up in early sobriety.

It's just too much. I've relapsed in that place myself. I took notes of the situations that lead to relapse and I avoided those at all costs especially for the first year.

If I go out of town everything is on my terms so far as where we go. In the past vacation was a time to try interesting bars and restaurants. That was always the highlight for me.

doggonecarl

Not every alcoholic. But every alcoholic who falls prey to the addictive voice and the insanity of alcoholism.

Glad you made it back.

D122y

Horn,

I just got back from a vacation as well. I didn't crave so much but I was curious.

I would watch folks start drinking around 9 am.

I would see them have 2 or 3 drinks. Then try to act sober.

It was funny to see that.

I would see folks in the bar. Drunk and blabbing about everything. I could see their glazed sad eyes.

I don't miss being physically addicted.

These days I know that is the reason I was drinking.

Being a drunk is not a good look for me.

While on vacation I ate and worked out extra. I tried to get more sleep, but that didn't work because my room was just below a party night club. Kept me awake half the night.

Otherwise, the vacation was awesome and as is usual these days....sober.

Thanks.

Horn95

Some tough love. But I get it.

lessgravity

Was wondering where you were. Bummed to hear you gave in, should have checked in with us first.

But I'm glad you're back man. Right that ship.

tomsteve

where were ya at in the steps?

Delilah1

Welcome back Horn!

Hevyn

You didn't let it take over your life again, Horn. You came back here with regret & determination. You will do it.

Dee74

Hi Horn - I'm sorry you drank but I'm glad you made it back.

Looks like the memories of binges past - horrific as they were - were not enough to keep you from drinking again.

Whats the plan this time? what are you going to add to your recovery programme?

D

Gottalife

That would have been a good question for me in the period leading up to my last relapse. The truth was I hadn't quite got step one. That is what my lack of action showed. I was rocking up to two meetings a week, having a little phone contact in between, and not really doing anything else.

I don't know if you would call that a mistake, or a blind spot. I didn't act with more vigor because I didn't think I needed to. I had not yet understood the seriousness of my condition.

Some of the other members had talked about the steps being necessary to avoid the obsession coming back, but I didn't give their experience sufficient weight.

Horn, you described it as the biggest mistake an alcoholic can make, but what you described to me was the classic return of the obsession, the insane idea that we can drink normally in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. In the collective experience and knowledge of AA, when the obsession comes back, there is no choice.

The mistake, if there was one, was a lack of action on the program, the purpose of which is to remove the obsession. I suppose this could be ego getting in the way, but it could just as easily be a lack of understanding the implications of step one, or it could even be poor sponsorship. We take the steps to recover. Some sponsors try to do it the other way around which doesn't work for the real alcoholic.

My last relapse hammered home step one. It proved I had no effective defence against the first drink (choice) it proved I had no control, and add that to the facts I had learned about alcoholism and I knew I had to get busy to have any hope of surviving.

In my belief, anyone who really understands step one will have the rest of the steps done yesterday. Willingness is one thing, desperation quite another. I grabbed on to the program with all the desperation of a drowning man. I got a sponsor and got into those steps like my life depended on it. And it worked.

I saw in another post you had begun questioning everything. You have a perfect right to do that, but in the context of a spiritual program of action, it is futile. One cannot understand the effect of the steps any other way than by experience. A bit like sex, we can have no idea what it is like until we have done it.

I heard a speaker make a very good point the other day. He felt the best results were achieved when the action on the program stayed ahead of the thinking. That is to say take the step, experience the result, then do the thinking. Being somewhat stupified by the effects of my drinking, this was more or less how I ended up going through the steps. It wasn't hard to stay ahead of my thinking.

J50

Those two sentences seem to contradict each other. Either you commit to not drinking or you don't. There's no in between where you can "control" it. Not when you cross that threshold or imaginary line.

You can do it!

lessgravity

When you say you miss being sober - have to assume you are still drinking post-vacation.

No?

FreeOwl

I’m glad you’re back.

I hope you’ll now choose; sobriety

I hope you’ll now act; in earnest support of that choice no matter what.

That’s all it takes to be free.

Horn95

I am not drinking. I feel like holy hell. I miss feeling normal. Yet another round of withdrawals. Anxiety. Nausea. No shakes, yet. Gosh, I hate the addiction.

lessgravity

Good.

Push through it man, get help if you need, but you know this.

I'm looking forward to having you back on my side. You were missed.

TheSoberDude

Hello sir,

I’m sorry to hear you relapsed. Many of us have been there more times than we can count. I too have felt like I could control my drinking numerous times. Yet, every relapse was progressively worse. I drank more and more every single time. I don’t imagine myself not having alcohol in the future. For me, that’s not a healthy mindset.

I take every day as day 1. I end the day knowing I didn’t drink today. I don’t think about tomorrow, or two years down the road. I also put myself in situations where drinking was a part of the equation. It’s a test to show myself that I can overcome those situations, and not fall prey to alcohol. I accept that life has to go on...and I will be doing things that I had previously done. But, alcohol will not be in the equation.

You will get there! Keep strong.