Cassie6

So I was sober for six weeks until Thursday (my head is a total mess).

I really don't know where else to ask for advice. So before I pick up a bottle... (My meetings are Sunday and Monday).

Me and my Dad are super close, we eat dinner together, talk about rubbish etc.

It was a throwaway comment from my Mum a couple of years ago, which I just laughed off. She said I looked, and acted a lot like her ex-husband.

Now I look at my Dad, and have realised we look nothing alike. He's very Jewish looking (the olive skin, black hair, large nose, thick hair, etc.) which all of his family have. I'm a redhead with freckles, a button nose, fair skin, and fine hair.

I've asked him whether I am his biological Daughter on two occasions, I said say 'YES" or "NO" and he's walked out the door. I just wanted a yes or no.

It would not change anything, but if any men could comment I would be very appreciative - like I said HE is still my Dad, I just don't think he'd walk out the door...

I'm really struggling atm xxx

dcg

Drinking ain't gonna make him your biological father (if he isn't).

That's all that matters.

You're dwelling/drinking over a passing comment (possibly a joke) from two years ago? Let it go.


You say you're close and get along great. The answer to that question will not change the love he has for you. It does not matter to him, so it should not matter to you. Furthermore, if he says yes, will you believe him and leave it at that, or will you inquire further?

If it would not change anything, then it doesn't matter. Focus on your sobriety - something that actually matters.

entropy1964

Well I'm not a dad. But I have a daughter whose father is not her biological father. I told her very early on. She, like you, believes that her father is her father....the other guy is a genetic contributor. But I know for a fact it eats at her. She can meet him when and if she wants. She has chosen not to at this point. No doubt, its different.

Have you asked your Mom again? I don't understand why your dad would just walk out.

If neither parent will answer you can always get a genetic test. Its not a big deal logistically. Might be a bigger one emotionally. I would think you could tell one of your parents this and probably get a straight answer.

Don't forget, your father is the one who raised you. And he loves you.

And I'll add, if you are in early recovery, like first year, don't rock this boat. Put it on the back burner. Focus on you. Emotions are all over the place for quite a while after quitting. Revisit this after you have some good solid time. May not even be an issue in a year!

SaturatedSeize

Your Dad is the person who was there for you, raised you, supported you. For me personally, genetics, mean nothing. Regardless of biology, he stepped up and was there for you as a parent.

My biological Dad walked out on me when I was only a year old and has entered my life at times when it's convenient for him. He's a self-absorbed, manipulative, liar, and was never around for me when I needed him. He's lived 2000 miles away for the last 10 years and I don't miss him.

My point being, we can't pick blood family. We can pick who is important to us. I, personally, wouldn't let this situation risk my sobriety. I can only speak for myself and my perspective though and it's hard to comment on yours and your feelings. I think you are very fortunate to have had him there.

If a Yes/No answer is something you feel you need, I'd try talking to your Mother again or as mentioned, do a DNA test. Closure can be important too if you need that closure.

biminiblue

I used to work in a DNA testing lab. Yeah, you can find out biologically - but to what end?

I saw a lot of heartache caused by DNA testing. If you decide you absolutely have to find out - don't try to do it clandestinely - just ask your parents if they are willing to do a test. They may open up about *whatever* is going on - if anything.

I had an uncle who put doubts in my head about my biological relationship to my father, too. I decided I didn't want or care to know. I could have done a DNA test for free but I decided it wasn't something I wanted to do. It doesn't affect me, ya know? I mean, unless I need a kidney or something. Up until 30 years ago or so, we all just accepted our "fathers" as whoever they said they were; and I'm sure it's really common that they aren't. I don't think DNA testing for paternity is good idea unless there is a medical or child-support/custody issue.

Sleeping dogs and all that.

Try to move on from this. Your dad is your Dad.

Berrybean

Maybe he doesn't know either.

Maybe he walked out because that question is as painful for him as it is for you.

You're not the only one who this will be hurting. It's really worth remembering that. Esp when dealing with the man who has always treated you with love. Are the genetics the most important thing here? More important that all her has done, and all you feel for each other?

BB

Highercall

I understand your need to know and I think it is very bad of your parents to cause you more harm by not giving you a straight answer. It seems likely if your father walks out when you ask the question then he is not your biological father. Unpleasant thought disturbing things like this happen when we try to achieve sobriety and are very difficult to deal with. I wish you well

lessgravity

None of any of this has to do with whether you decide to drink or not.

bexxed

Seven months into my sobriety I found out, at the age of 40, that my dad is not my biological father. It’s a really big deal, even though it isn’t, because of course my dad and your dad are still who and what they are to us. But until it’s part of your unique story, it’s impossible to say that it doesn’t mean anything because it does. And with the big stuff in our lives it’s so critical to be clear when facing them. I made a post about it here last year shortly after I found out, which was 15 months ago now. If you want to connect with me about it, feel free to PM. I’m not really super responsive to messages but I will respond, it’s just a function of not being on here all the time anymore.

I ended up meeting my biological father, siblings, and aunts, and it was amazing and they are a part of my life now... a missing piece. They are all alcoholics, most in recovery, including my biological father. I’m so grateful to have been sober when this revelation hit, because I was able to let the reality of it be real, instead of blurred by being drunk for it. I did consider drinking for a minute there, and just used my tools with all of my might. What a disaster that would have been. This revelation was the most momentous event of my life, and I’ve had some pretty big ones. It’s identity changing. So critical to be sober for it.

-b

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Dee74

How are you doing Cassie?

I'm the spitting image of my dad, but you'd be hard pressed to find two men so different.

Sounds like your stepdad is an awesome guy.

I don't blame you for wanting to know 'where you came from' - but honestly
I think this is a quest best left until you have more sober time under your belt.

As alcoholics and addicts we often get used to wanting things NOW..but sometimes that's not the best way to go forward.

D

DreamCatcher17

Maybe he walks away because that question is painful for him too. Sounds like you have an amazing relationship with him. That's pretty amazing!!!